What does that mean?
We’re done replaying all the Mania matches!
Let’s start some new feuds…
New characters…
New friends…
New fiends…
Same Rabble
Welcome once again to the Rabble is here… What does wrestling portend tonight? Oh, I don’t know at all – but joining us are:
BILL – Form Legs
CHRIS – …and body…
HERNANDEZ – …arms…
JENNA – …and torso…
ERIC – …and I’ll form…
DANI – …THE HEAD!
And your entire Voltron – Me!
The show starting off with, Edge! They’re wearing matching pants.
“They both bedazzled their jeans…” – Dani
“They ‘blinged it on” – Hernandez
So they announce it’s a triple threat with Hunter, Edge, and John for the title at Backlash. Edge announces he’s back where he belongs.
“CURTAIN JERKIN!” – Eric
Edge decides he’s the odds on favorite since Trips tapped at Mania and Cena lost last night. So we should start to appreciate him.
“Or what, you’ll sleep with my girlfriend?” – Hernandez
Edge announces that the ‘champ is heah’
“Way to cue Cena…” – Eric
“CENA SUMMONING POWER!” – Chris
And here he is!
FIRST SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Cuck Fena!
Cena thanks the crowd, mixed entirely between boos and cheers. Edge isn’t going to be walking home from Backlash empty handed… he has… well…. he has what he has (gesturing to Lita). Cena says he will beat down on Edge tonight, but Edge will have none of it.
Edge tries to rally the crowd for Cena by announcing he despises all of the people and he hates them back, where Cena likes them and tries to please them. And in turn…
“They can’t see you…” – Hernandez
…they can’t stand you. Cena admits that the audience know him too well…
“And they are bored.” – Bill
“And they are not amused by a white rapper from Massachusettes.” – Chris
They want to see his dark, evil, crass, maniacal side. They want him to tell the audience that they absolutely sssssss—- ‘but you see Edge, if I go that route, if I do that – I’d end up just like you…. and I think you’re an asshole.”
“And I’d be with a two bit whore” – Chris
‘If everyone thought I was great, I’d have an ego trip, I’d have my nose up, and I’d have some nickname for myself like ‘the King of Kings'”
“Cue Triple H!” – Hernandez
“BOMBATAAAAAAAAA” – Me
“Did Squaresoft write the intro to this show, with all those summons?” – Hernandez
“Hit them with the Clim Hazzard!” – Chris
“BAPHAAMATTTT!” – Me
And Trips with the pops. Trips is fairly certain that the world will never get Trips and Cena cunfused… so speaketh the ‘You Tapped Out’ chants. Trips doesn’t care what people say. Cena admits that as Trips is a 10 Time Champ – he should learn from him. So since he got Pedigreed last week, he wants to see if Trips wants to go for it again……
Edge chimes in that HE was the star of Wrestlemania because he destroyed a legend. So at Backlash he will be the champion again.
“Maybe for three weeks” – Dani
Trips says that if he’s impressed with beating Mick Foley… he did that three years ago and Mick will be back, guaranteed.
So Trips also got a phonecall from the ‘Old Man’ ya know.. Vince.. and Edge seems to think he can beat both of them – he can face both of them in a handicapped match tonight.
“You guys are upset because I’m the biggest threat to you in the triple threat..” – Edge
“You are the ONLY threat to both of them in the triple threat.. think about it” – Hernandez
So Edge is about to leave – and he does so. Cena is about to leave, and Trips stops him and wants to shake his hand. Cena enters… WHAP! Slap to the face and Cena is out.
COMMERCIAL – (At 9:20)
So now let’s the world title picture –
Who do you want to have the belt right now:
“Cena – Because he’s my favorite of the three” – Bill
“From a ratings point of view, you keep it with Cena…” – Chris
“Because people are turning in to just hate him” – Eric
“Exactly” – Chris
“Cena – He presents a situation that’s never happened” – Hernandez
“Not Triple H – because things run better when he’s going after it” – Eric
“THere’s only so long you can keep him running after it…” – Bill
“Yeah, but then you give it to him, but the longer he clamors, the better” – Eric
“Edge – but only if they drop the Rated R & Lita angle….” – Dani
“Heel Cena or Triple H, not Edge” – Jenna
“I say – get Edge cheered just a bit – then give him the belt” – Me
“Drop Lita then…” – Hernandez
“Yeah
In the ring is a dazed Rob Conway….. and that’s because he got laid out by Triple H before he even got into the ring.
“Triple H just loitered around to just beat him up…” – Chris
And now who do we get…. Mr. Money In The Bank… RVD
RVD vs. ROB CONWAY
Ahh Squashing..
“He should get the case airbrushed…” – Eric
Now though, interrupting is Shelton looking all pimptastic.
“What’s with Shelton looking all Hollywood” – Dani
“He’s Big Time!” – Me
“A NEW GIMMICK!” – Chris
In the match – RVD is throwing him around as we discuss whether Shelton Benjamin should be world champion. Outside Rob gets tossed onto the barricade and then top rope legdrop right onto it. Drags him in – throws him to the ground – Rolling Thunder – Five Star Frog Splash… that’s that.
WINNER: R V D
Outside Shelton is discussing how he wants a match Intercontinental Title versus Money in The Bank match.
So now Bob McBobONobody discusses with RVD about whether he wants to face Shelton for the Money In The Bank match…. and he says NO WAY! because Shelton doesn’t deserve a second chance at it. He’s giving Shelton
IT’S MARIA!!!!!!!!!! Introducing Mickey James, wearing Trish’s shirt.
Mickey thanks Trish Stratus because if it wasn’t for her, she wouldn’t be the champion… when she delivered the Mick Kick…
“Is she irish?” – Me
Mickey says she’s from Toronoto, and Maria tries to correct her, and then Mickey yells at her and tells her she’s going to getting her first chance at the woman’s title next!
Coming next though a preview of Kane’s SEE NO EVIL.
“Also known as: See no profits” – Chris
COMMERCIAL
Now Bob McBob in the back with Kane…
“Who is this guy?!?!” – Eric
“Mysterio without the mask” – Hernandez
So we watch the preview….
“Who thought he has charisma? – Chris
“He’s a great dentist” – Me
“And all that time he spent in jail…” – Hernandez
It’s time for a tag team match!!!!
“Yay” – Dani
Here come the Spirit Squad!
SPIRIT SQUAD vs. —-
Kane is in the back and he is ‘thinking’ about his movie…. hidden voices telling him about ‘May 19th’ the same day as the movie opening….. oh boy…. oh no… his character is going to be ‘real’ oy…
“He’s going to get DQd for using an axe” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
SPIRIT SQUAD vs. BIG KANE
Rematch!
So it’s announced any two members of the SS can defend the title… so starting now it’s Johnny & Nicki.
Show begins by chopping him corner to corner. Johnny crawls for the tag, but gets pulled in and stomped on his head. Johnny gets slammed down… choked against the second rope. And Johnny gets some MORE big ol beatdowns.
A tag to Kane. Hip toss from Kane and Johnny finally gets the tag to Nicki and they show us the handprint on Johnny….
Nicki in, slides underneath a Kane clothesline – lands ‘almost’ on a backflip – and then gets tossed corner to corner – he leaps onto Kane, but a dropkick from Johnny sends it for a two count. Kane tries to run him into the corner, but Nicki runs up the turnbuckles and in comes Big Show!
Show just stomps and steps all over the newly tagged Johnny. Show goes to pressslam Nicki and ONTO the pile…
COMMERCIAL
Back in the match – Kane got hiptossed from the top rope by Johnny – and then a big enzuigiri – then a tag to Nicki. Two count.
Kane now fights out of the corner – but then gets dropkicked right out of the ring to watch as the Spirit Squad do a mass beatdown on Kane. SHOW CHARGES IN!
Kane gets rolled in by Nicki – a tag to Johnny – and they continue to elbow him in the back of the head then kicks to his thigh. Drops him into a leglock, but Kane kicks out of it and a tag to Nicki – with a team leg roll back. Kane tries to go for the tag.. crawling, but Johnny holds him and Nicki dropkicks him down.
They continue to keep Kane kept down in the corner. A double suplex – and they do some spirit fingers!!! Kane does the sit-up..
“..may 19th… may 19th…” – Bill
Kane stands near the ropes and we get the double clothesline.
“Cue the DQ” – Chris
Kane throws all the Squad into the ring – throws in all the chairs…. and the ref calls for the bell. He rolls in and chokeslams everyone, and funnily, the Spirit Squad screams as they get beat on. Show just watches on…
“And Kane/Show at Backlash…” – Me
So they go face face…
“BUT I KILLED THOSE KIDS” – Dani
Kane pushes Show – Show pushes Kane
“You don’t push me” – Show
“You push a PUSH pop MOTHER FUCKER!” – Me
Kane grabs Show on the throat…. Show grabs Kane on the throat…
“They chokeslam each other at the SAME TIME!” – Bill
Kane eye-pokes and Show gets slammed.
Show’s knocked out… and yeah.. wheee… wooo… *yawn*
COMMERCIAL
“What are they afraid to wrestle!?” – Chris
Earlier today Shawn and Vince were in a church….
In the back it’s Bob McBob talking to Cena… he wants to know what to expect from the handicapped match.
Cena says that he and Trips are like college roommates, they love each other. They are friends!
Now.. in the church… Vince and Shane.
“Marrying his son?” – Chris
“..Not on fire?” – Bill
Vince announces quite readily that he’s never been a place like this before… nice colors. He’s there looking for Shawn Michael’s tag team partner. Next they are standing at the baptismal font…. and Shane stops him – only to watch him do a Triple H spittake…
“I’m a ZIT.. GET IT?” – Bill
Shane watches on in horror… as Vince then goes to the top of the pulpet and talks to God about how he created man and Vince created Stone Cold and Triple H and..
“Billy Gunn & Chuck Palumbo?” – Eric
God cast out the Devil.. Vince cast out Ted Turner.
God has his commandments… Vince has his…
“Thou shalt take steroids” – Chris
“Thou shalt hide steroids” – Me
“Thou shalt not talk about steroids” – Chris
Thou shalt not cross your arms and say ‘suck it’
“Another DX reference…… the thick plottens” – Me
Shane will now read a prayer. And after ‘life giving semen’ announces this is getting weird. He then says if he won’t beat Shawn – may GOd strike him down – and Shane moves… heh. Then there is a rumbling of thunder.
More yawn for the yawn fest.
COMMERCIAL
Hey Alejandro Estrada is in the ring – he quickly introduces Umaga…
We get a flashback to last week and Ric Flair’s head all snappy snappy…
UMAGA vs. JOBBER
Ouch
He gives him a faceplant – a butt bounce – a second rope headbutt –
“..and he throws on a full nelson.. damn” – Bill
A thumb in the neck nerve pinch thingy….
“That’s boring’er than the Masterlock” – Bill
WINNER: UMAGA
“…WHAT A WOOKIE…” – Me
On Smackdown – Giant Gonzalez Part Two!
COMMERCIAL
Carlito is in the ring announcing that he lost 250 lbs of dead weight last week. Chris Masters is apparently, not cool. And now – with remixed music…
“POWDERED TOOASST MAAAAN” – Bill
In comes Masters.
“We’re past the Lex Luger phase, we’re getting into the Scott Steiner phase” – Hernandez
“I pop for Masters” – Bill
“In your pants..” – Hernandez
So Masters discusses how Carlito screwed him at the Elimination Chamber. Screwed him over at the Rumble. And so maybe he screwed up at Wrestlemania on purpose. Carlito says that’s almost as stupid as the Masterlock.
Carlito KNOWS he can break the Masterlock. So bring down a ref.
“That’s because Masters is going to choke on his hair.” – Bill
So here comes a ref – here comes a chair.
“Matt Stryker couldn’t do it…” – Eric
So they get him set in the chair and Carlito wants to hold his apple – Masters spins around and Carlito HITS him with the chair! And he took it… SO BAD….. SOOO BAD! Carlito threw it… SO BAD! Good god, concussion city.
“Krispy Kreme eyes on Powdered Toast Man!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL
Last week Chavo quit… this week?
“Standing on the freeway selling oranges” – Hernandez
So next week – JR talks to Chavo.
“Is he going to get set on fire?” – Hernandez
“Who?” – Eric
“Both?” – Hernandez
Now though it’s time for breasties! First though Mickie in Trish outfits – cute black pants all tied up the sides…. not bad… but…
Now it’s time for Maria – wearing sparklies and elbow gloves and…. mmmm
“She’s wearing too many clothes” – Bill
“Give it time..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL
“..and the match is over, when we come back.” – Bill
MICKIE vs. MARIA
Wooo-insanity-adorable-INSANIDORABILITY!
Match starts with Mickey kneeing her in the gut – kicks her down – tosses her to the ropes and Maria climbs slides around Mickey for a two count.
She grabs Mickey around the waist – gets stomped down – foot sliding over boobie…. kicked in the gut. Mickey cheers as Maria gets stomped in the.. err.. umm.. yeah.
Mickey slams down Maria. Mickey climbs to the top and leaps for a double axe – and Maria moves. Mickey charges in and Maria lifts a boot – Maria runs in for a clothesline and Mickey catches her and slams her down…. Mickey picks her up – and Maria slides down and then rolls her up for a two count.
Maria gets kicked in the gut – and a Mick Kick.
“SHORE AND BEGORRAH!” – Me
WINNER: MICKEY
Now Mickie’s music chimes in and who is skipping down to the ring, but … TRISH! Dressed up like Mickey… fan-frigging tastic. (Not to mention the butt floss)
Trish kisses Mickey and Mickie leaves.. confused. Hawt.
COMMERCIAL
TRIPLE H/CENA vs. EDGE
Hmm…
“Lita’s breasts are the first things to appear out of the smoke..” – Bill
“Like you care about breasts” – Chris
“..that’s not fair” – Bill
Match starting with Cena in the ring and Edge charges as Cena and Hunter argue… elbows to Cena’s back. Cena finally gets a double hammer and gets booed.
Cena gets tossed to the outside, and is about to go for Lita when Edge charges in and throws her into him. Now back in the ring, toss from corner to corner from Cena – a secret tag from Hunter and a kneelift from Trips.
Now Lita crawls the ring apron – and Trips falls for it as he tries to get Lita to flash him and Edge gets hit and tossed outside. Headslam to the announce table… then Hunter gets tossed to the stairs.
“And steel hits flesh” – Styles
“…hits meat…” – Hernandez & Bill
Back in the ring, Edge gets a two count. A few fists, and another two count. Edge brings Trips to the corner – BIG punches from Edge now. Hunter tries to throw Edge to the ropes, but gets a faceplant in retaliation. Edge now choking on Trips – he brings him to the corner – top rope punches…
Trips with the reverse atomic drop.
“AWwwwwww he grazed em..” – Hernandez
“Hurts like three seconds later..” – Bill
Now as Edge and Hunter go punch to punch and Hernandez is making ‘nut shot jokes’
“AWww it hurts… aw it hurts when I HIT you…” – Hernandez
“IT HURTS ME IN MY TESTICLES” – Bill
Now both men are down. Edge crawls to the corner – setting for the spear – charges in, misses – turns around and eats a spinebuster. Hunter gets the tag to Cena – and in he runs with a clothesline. Clothesline. Spinning slam down. Five knuckle shuffle. Sets up for the F U – Hunter pushes him out of it – hits the Pedigree on Edge – Cena grabs Hunter – F U on Hunter – STFU on Edge – TAPPING!
WINNER: CENA (and Hunter)
So – that was… let’s talk to the group:
BILL – ahhh.. slow and boring
CHRIS – what the f*ck.
HERNANDEZ – eh..nng..kay.. I had more fun taking apart your ipod.
(Which he did, and now my ipod works.. BOOYAKA!)
ERIC – he shrugs
JENNA – Zzzzzzzz….
ME – Yep yep yep… they said it.
And now for a special end of Raw Treat:
Penny Candy For The Rabble
So Vince is fueding with God. Heh. Priceless moment there in the Church when Vince dared God to strike him dead and Shane slowly backed away.
So I read across the net and here on our own cherished nuthouse online Inside Pulse, most people think Vince has lost it going after God. I say he’s shrewder than ever. Nothing generates bigger sales in North American entertainment than God-Bashing. At least short-term. And that’s because religious groups are slow to learn and quick to forget. See, take Marilyn Manson’s “Antichrist Superstar”. Biggest selling CD of 1996, and why? Because Religious groups shit on it, thus garaunteeing increased interest and sales amongst their own children seeking to rebel. The more you tell a kid no, the more they want what you tell them they can’t have. So when Vince gets the inevitable backlash (pun intended) from insulting god, his audience will double at least briefly, right in time for the Antichrist PPV, ECW; AONS. And RVD’s one night title run.
Oh, and in the continuing saga of the best written wrestling angle on tv today, seeing Trish turn the tables on Micki was absolutely priceless, especially when she kissed Micki and you could almost see Micki going WTF???
In closing, my only fear with the Vince-God thing? Is that Shawn gets around it by having the recently returned Henry O GODwinn be his partner.
Til next week, I’m Penny. You know, like the little round thing in your change after a beer run.
