Yeah, I Have An ESPN Mobile Phone
I hate to admit it, but I have an ESPN Mobile Phone, they got me.
I saw it at Best Buy last week on sale for $99.99 (marked down from I believe $149.99). The price and a demonstration of the online content the phone offered sold me on it, and Randy Orton was about 20 feet from me signing autographs, so being around something that sucked that much by contrast made everything else, including the ESPN phone, seem awesome by comparison.
Oddly enough, I almost expected the phone to suck even after buying it. The price reduction coupled with the completely rejiggered ad campaign I’ve been seeing leads me to believe this thing is flopping big time, and I figured, there had to be a good reason for it, namely that the product sucked.
Much to my surprise though, it doesn’t. The phone is good.
The content it offers is good, the info is there when you want it, very rarely do you get bullshit where the score you’re looking for won’t download or whatever. It’s cool to be able to look at detailed scores and stats with web page quality graphics whenever you want, and the video download clips are neat even if it takes longer to download them than to actually watch one (typically it’s like a two minute download time for a 30 second clip). I can see this being a really good purchase come September when I’m frantically trying to find out if Peyton Manning has thrown a TD Pass.
The phone itself is good, the exclusive content is good, it’s all, surprisingly, good. I like my ESPN Mobile Phone, I’ll be damned.
NFL News!
Here’s what happened in the NFL this week, in case ya missed it:
-The Bengals signed veteran DT Sam Adams, who has been to 3 Pro Bowls this decade. So old. So fat.
-Washington continued its offseason free agent binge by signing nickel back Kenny Wright, who started 16 games for Jacksonville last year.
– New England is attempting to upgrade it’s woeful pass defense by signing Chiefs CB Eric Warfield. Signing a Chiefs DB to help your pass defense is kind of like signing Byung Hyung Kim to help your bullpen. Why would you do that?
-Steve McNair spent all last week with his face pressed against the glass of the Titans’ workout facility. It made his head look even bigger than it usually does.
-The sex boat charges against Daunte Culpepper were dismissed. He pleaded the fizzifth.
-The Chiefs replaced Warfield with former Broncos corner Lenny Walls. Walls has been hampered by a reaccuring groin problem. Someone, please, rub his groin.
– WR Nate Burleson and his big ass feet signed with Seattle.
– USC running back LenDale White had a Maurice Clarett-like pro day workout. Way to go.
– The Patriots signed Martin “Autoerotica” Gramatica to be their kicker next year. He’ll probably blow out his knee doing a cartwheel after kicking an extra point.
– The Falcons traded with division rival New Orleans for tackle Wayne Gandy, who has been a starter with the Saints for the last three years. In return, they send the Saints safety Bryan Scott.
– Brett Favre hasn’t decided whether he is going to play next for the Packers next year, or just tell them to kiss his black ass.
– Last week I said the Jets suck. This week they signed linebacker Brad Kassell, who made 14 starts for Tennessee last year. They still suck.
I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOUR TEAM WILL DO NEXT FALL
For the last two weeks I have been previewing the 06 season, one division at a time. I don’t even need to know who these teams will draft, because it doesn’t really matter who they draft. I can count on one finger the number of draft picks who were the difference between a team making the playoffs and not making the playoffs last year and he’s Cadillac Williams, and even that’s dubious. The free agents have pretty much all found a home, and thus, I feel comfortable telling you whether your team will please you in 2006, or if you should start finding an English Premier League team to root for next fall. That said, let’s continue our 06 Preview with the Suckiest Division that Ever Sucked, the NFC North.
CHICAGO BEARS
Rushing Offense 4.3 Yards Per Attempt, 8th in NFL
Being that they played without a viable passing game for most of the 2005 season, the Bears had to lean very, very heavily on the running game. Luckily for them, Thomas Jones was up to the challenge. Jones averaged 4.3 yards per carry en route to a breakout 1335 yard, 9 touchdown season. He will enter the 2006 season as one of the league’s top running backs. That said, the Bears should feel a little silly about spending a top 10 draft pick on running back Cedric Benson last year, only one season removed from giving Jones a big money free agent contract. Benson couldn’t get off the bench last year, before going out for the season with an injury. The jury’s still out on him, but if he is healthy, there is no reason why he shouldn’t be able to share the load, making the Bears’ running game even more dangerous.
Passing Offense 5.27 Yards Per Attempt, 32nd in NFL; 31 sacks allowed, tied for 10th best in NFL
And then there’s this. The Bears’ inability to throw the ball was, depending on who you believe, either all the fault of rookie QB Kyle Orton, who was forced into action thanks to ANOTHER injury to Rex “Mr. Glass” Grossman, and struggled despite leading the team to 10 wins, or a deeper seeded problem that is also due to the team’s complete lack of talent at wide receiver, and the colossal bust of a season that 2004’s NFL leading receiver and free agent signee Muhsin Muhammad had in his first year in Chicago.
The truth lies somewhere in between. Grossman, presumably, will be healthy this year, but despite what many Chicago media types would have you believe, he really hasn’t shown that he can be a good NFL quarterback. He’s undersized and injury prone, and his 4 TD passes against 6 INTs in his 3 regular seasons in the league aren’t exactly awe-inspiring. Kudos to GM Jerry Angelo though, for not repeating past mistakes and going into the 06 season without a competent backup. Brian Griese was signed, and just like that the Bears are more solid at this position than they’ve been in a long time. So the quarterback position will be considerably stronger this season. The wideouts, unfortunately, may not be. Muhammad needs to rebound this season, and somebody out of a young group of Justin Gage, Bernard Berrian, and Mark Bradley needs to emerge as a number 2. Otherwise, the passing game will continue to sputter.
Rushing Defense 3.7 Yards Per Attempt, 8th in NFL
With a few exceptions (a mauling in Pittsburgh that righted the Steelers ship, sending them towards a Super Bowl title), the Bears run defense was rock solid last year. The Bears have a talented young rotation of defensive tackles, Ian Scott, Tommie Harris, and Tank Johnson. They do their job, which is to tie up offensive linemen, and allow all-world linebackers Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs to make plays. Barring a serious injury epidemic, the Bears will once again be one of the tougher teams in the league to run the ball against.
Passing Defense 5.22 Yards Per Attempt, 1st in NFL; 41 sacks, 10th in NFL
If you’re a Bears fan, you should be very, very pissed that this team lost the way it did in its only NFC playoff game. There simply was no excuse for a team that had been so good at defending the pass during the season, to be so bad at it in it’s playoff appearance. That was more a function of a bad gameplan than bad personnel though. The team now has something it hasn’t had in a long time, a dangerous pass rush. Defensive ends Adewale Ogunleye and Alex Brown combined for 16 sacks. Johnson and Harris added 8 more from the interior, and Urlacher had 6 from the linebacker position. Their young corners are pretty solid. Nathan Vasher had a breakout year, with 9 interceptions, and Peanut Tillman had 5 picks, despite having a nightmarish game in the playoff loss to Carolina. The Bears D is solid in this area too.
Kicking Game 77.8% FG Accuracy, 21st in NFL
Kicker Robbie Gould wasn’t great, but he was adequate considering he was an emergency stopgap after Doug Brien failed miserably early in the season. He’ll most likely be back this year, but this area is not a strength.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
While the results of the 2005 team were remarkably similar to the 2001 team, one of the great one-year wonder squads in recent NFL history (unexpected division title, one and done in the playoffs), the success of this Bears team was no fluke. If they stick to what they do best, running the ball and making game changing plays with their swift, athletic defense, they’ll cruise to another division title.
Vasher, Urlacher, and Da Bears Will Run Away With the North In 06
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Rushing Offense 3.9 Yards Per Attempt, 19h in NFL
The Vikings were mediocre or worse in just about every area last year, and the running game was no exception. Mewelde Moore and Michael Bennett were both given a chance to take the ball and run with it, so to speak, and both failed. In 06, the Vikings hope that Chester Taylor, who was signed as a free agent from the Ravens, is ready to burst onto the NFL scene as a feature back. He’s shown flashes of ability, to be sure. Last year he averaged 4.2 yards per carry, and rushed for 714 yards in 2004. Onterrio Smith missed all of 2005, thanks to a well-publicized drug suspension. He might be able to contribute in 06, but he might not. The Vikings did pull off a coup by signing restricted free agent guard Steve Hutchinson, who is one of the best in the game and will
Passing Offense 6.76 Yards Per Attempt, 15th in NFL; 54 sacks allowed, 31st best in NFL
Daunte Culpepper has sailed off to Miami, and the offense, for 2006 at least, seems to be in the hands of Brad Johnson, who carbon dating has estimated as being 38 years old. Johnson played like the Vikings as a team did thru the second half of the 05 season, not great, but good enough to keep above water in the dreadful NFC North. Johnson’s biggest asset was that he didn’t make mistakes, throwing only 4 INT’s against 12 TDs. That said, the receiving corps missed Randy Moss badly. Neither Travis Taylor, Marcus Robinson, or Nate Burleson could come anywhere close to stepping into the role of #1 receiver. Koren Robinson was a nice surprise, but even he caught only 22 balls last year. Burleson was allowed to leave via free agency, and was replaced with nobody. So it remains to be seen if anyone’s going to be able to get open and prevent the old and fragile Johnson from being target practice behind an offensive line that gave up the second most sacks in the league in 05. The Vikings did pull off a coup by signing restricted free agent guard Steve Hutchinson, who is one of the best in the game and will be charged with improving that line this year.
Rushing Defense 4.0 Yards Per Carry, 16th in NFL
The biggest reason the Vikings overachieved last year, where they had underachieved sooooo many times before, is that they finally had some semblance of a defense. The Vikings were tough to run the ball on last year, and most of that was thanks to two top notch defensive tackles, Kevin Williams and Pat Williams. The Vikings should be strong in this area again in 06. They’ve signed two guys at the second and third level of defense whose specialty is run defense, linebacker Ben Leber, and safety Tank Williams.
Passing Defense 6.26 Yards Per Attempt, 18th in NFL; 34 sacks, 22nd in NFL
Again, the Vikings benefited greatly in 06 by upgrading an area of their defense from dreadful to merely OK. The Vikings DB’s found a knack for making turnovers and game changing plays, vaulting the team back into the playoff race when it looked like they were dead and buried. Safety Darren Sharper, who came over from Green Bay, was the biggest contributor. He had 9 interceptions and 16 passes defensed. He and Williams will make a formidable pair of safeties. The corners, Antoine Winfield and Fred Smoot, can be assets if healthy and focused. The Vikings’ pass rush is pretty pedestrian, and outside of defensive end Lance Johnstone (7 ½ sacks in 05), there’s really nobody opposing coaches need to gameplan for.
Kicking Game 73.5% FG Accuracy, 24th in NFL
Paul Edinger was shown the door after one season, and will be replaced by longtime Packer Ryan Longwell. Longwell ranked 26th in FG accuracy in 05, Edinger ranked 27th. Longwell’s been pretty consistenly good throughout his career though, and kicking indoors can only help.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
It’s hard to believe that a team that just 2 years ago was one of the most exciting in the league is now dull as dishwater. The results are still pretty much the same though, I think the Vikings go 9-7 just about every year, and probably will in 2006 too.
The Vikings Lead the League In Moustaches
DETROIT LIONS
Rushing Offense 3.6 Yards Per Attempt, 25h in NFL
Remember that retard that took Kevin Jones like in the second round or some stupid ass place like that in your fantasy draft last year? Hopefully you weren’t him. If you were, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to call you retarded. Jones was supposed to be the next big thing in his second NFL season, after averaging 118 yards per game in the last seven games of his rookie season. Instead, he was the next guy to remind Lions fans how much they miss Barry (Sanders, the one without the gay reality show on ESPN). Jones managed only 664 yards, an average of 3.6 per. The Lions are just going to cross their fingers and hope Jones plays like he did in November and December of 2004. Hoping for the best usually doesn’t win you too many games.
Passing Offense 5.81 Yards Per Attempt, 30th in NFL; 31 sacks allowed, tied for 10th best in NFL
The Lions have finally put Joey Harrington out of his misery, but he’s at worst the third most disappointing member of the Lions’ offense, and that’s really saying something. Heading into last season it looked like the Lions had a great trio of young wideouts in Roy Williams, Mike Williams, and Charles Rogers. By the end of the season they found themselves relying heavily on somebody named Scottie Vines. Rogers has gone from being someone who is just injury prone to being someone who is injury prone and has a drug problem, so you can’t expect anything out of him. Mike Williams had a miserable rookie year, and may never be more than a 3rd receiver. Roy Williams is a stud, but he’s the only guy on this offense you really have to worry about. Roy will attempt to catch passes from either Jon Kitna, who sat on the bench for all of 2005 before Carson Palmer’s Faces of Death injury in the Bengals playoff loss, or Josh McCown, who played hot potato with the Cardinals QB job with Kurt Warner last year.
It will be interesting to see if the exorcising of Harrington leads to Williams and/or Rogers making a big improvement this year. The offensive line gives good pass protection, and Kitna and McCown have both shown they can play a little bit, so you might see a slight upgrade in this area this year. That still won’t make it good though.
Rushing Defense 4.2 Yards Per Attempt, 22nd in NFL
DT Shaun Rogers gives the Lions a Pro Bowl quality player at the point of attack, but if you get past him, the linebackers are just kind of meh. New free agent signee Paris Lenon doesn’t change that motif either. They’ll tackle you and prevent a big play, but they’re not going to do anything to change the tone of the game. Basically, if you run the ball away from Rogers, you can have success against the Lions. As evidenced by the fact that they ranked 22nd in yards per carry, a lot of teams did just that in 05, and will continue to in 06.
Passing Defense 6.41 Yards Per Attempt, 21st in NFL; 31 sacks, 24th in NFL
Again, the Lions just don’t have anybody past their defensive line that worries an offensive coordinator. Rogers, Kalimba Edwards, and James Hall can generate a pass rush (although the Lions still ranked only 24th in sacks), but outside of Dre Bly, who was hurt the second half of the year, everyone at linebacker or in the defensive backfield is no better than average. Nothing’s been done to fortify the lack of athleticism on defense, Matt Millen is too busy signing every backup quarterback he can find.
Kicking Game 79.2 % Field Goal Accuracy, 18th in NFL
As inept as the Lions have been for most of their history, they do know how to find kickers that will stick around for a while. They change kickers about as often as the Vatican changes Popes. Jason Hanson will be a steady kicker for the Lions for the 15th straight season.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
The Lions gameplan for this season is to ignore the heroic mediocrity that permeates just about every position on the depth chart, and build a menagerie of backup quarterbacks in hopes that one of them can emerge as a starter. The Lions will be one of the worst teams in the NFL, again.
Will Kitna Thrive In Mike Martz’s Offense? Hells No.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Rushing Offense 3.4 Yards Per Attempt, 29th in NFL
The Packers went thru running backs like Andy Reid goes thru a box of Ding Dongs before finally hitting on an undrafted free agent out of Liberty University named Samkon Gado midway thru last year. The quick, powerful Gado evoked memories of his Nigerian countryman, Christian Okoye, and was about the only pleasant story coming out of Green Bay last year. Ahman Green will get one more chance to salvage his career this season, and he and Gado will likely split carries to start the season. Regardless of who ends up being the feature back, don’t expect the Packers to rank 29th in the league in yards per carry this year. They’ll be improved in this area.
Passing Offense 6.34 Yards Per Attempt, 24th in NFL; 27 sacks allowed, tied for 5th best in NFL
Brett Favre was bad last year. There’s just no other way to put it. We don’t know if he’ll be back this year or not, but in reality it doesn’t really matter. The Packers have long gotten by with a subpar receiving corps just because Favre was able to make a lot of jamokes wearing the green and gold look good. He can’t do that any more, and with Javon Walker talking all crazy like he never wants to play for the Packers again, that leaves only Donald Driver for Favre to throw too. Of course, if Favre doesn’t come back, and Aaron Rogers starts at QB for the Packers next year, find a table to hide under because things are going to get Cody Pickett-esque in Green Bay next year.
Rushing Defense 4.0 Yards Per Attempt, 19th in NFL
The Packers are pretty solid up the middle with DT Ryan Pickett who was signed from the Rams, MLB Nick Barnett, and new safety Marquand Manuel, who started in the Super Bowl with Seattle. Barnett in particular had a good year in 05, with 139 tackles. He should continue to improve in his 4th NFL season. Green Bay’s defense was tougher than usual last year thanks to a good job by defensive coordinator Jim Bates, who left after not being offered the top job this offseason. Other than Barnett, there’s not a lot of well rounded talent here, so they could take a step backwards this season.
Passing Defense 6.23 Yards Per Attempt, 15th in NFL; 35 sacks, 21st in NFL
With Kabeer Gbaja Biamila and Aaron Kampman as bookend pass rushers, you’d think the Pack would have a pretty decent pass rush. Well you’d be wrong. They ranked 21st in the league in sacks, and their inability to put pressure on the quarterback puts a lot of pressure on the secondary. Corners Al Harris and Ahmad Carroll were pretty good last year, but their not elite. Again, without any significant upgrades to the pass rush or the secondary in the offseason, you get the feeling things could take a turn for the worse here in 06.
Kicking Game 74.1% FG Accuracy, 26th in NFL
Longtime kicker Ryan Longwell left for Minnesota after a subpar year, the Packers romanced Adam Vinatieri only to get stiffed by him, and now they’re stuck with Billy Cundiff, who was friggin awful in Dallas last year. Good luck with that.
HERE’S YOUR FORECAST
This team’s a mess. With Favre, they’ll be 4-12, without him, things could get real, real bad. It’s long since time the Packers should have started planning for life after #4. They haven’t, and it’ll be a long time before this team will crawl out of the abyss.
Favre Is the Difference Between the Pack Being Bad, and REALLY Bad
IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP
That’s it! If you’re reading this on Monday Night/Tuesday Morning, there’s no links up yet. I didn’t get home from my paying job until 9 o clock tonight and I’m just too dam tired. There will be links tomorrow, along with some pics. In the meantime, read Eric S. and his Double Team Short Form. Read it this week and every week, I do, and look at me.
Okay then we’ll see you next week.
