I think I’ll continue my movie madness theme this week, as work is preventing me from being able to conduct the level of research I need to do for my next big piece. This time though, I’m going to take a page from Wizard Magazine”¦the Casting Call!
Our hypothetical movie: The Thunderbolts!
It’s not likely to get made, I know. There are a lot of other Marvel properties with higher priorities: Iron Man, Captain America, and sequels to the Punisher, X-Men, Spider-man and Fantastic Four franchises to name a few. But if you haven’t figured it out by now, I root for the underdog. And it doesn’t get much more underdog than the Thunderbolts (well, except for the cartoon Underdog of course).
My premise for this film would be to do the origin story. Now, as I do these movie-oriented columns you’ll find I don’t very often care for the origins. I feel origins for most well known characters are already fairly common knowledge. Let’s face it, it’s no spoiler when I tell you that Superman’s planet blows up and he gets sent to Earth by his parents just before it happens. EVERYONE knows this. So why bother? Save the effects budget for later in the movie. For Thunderbolts, the characters aren’t always well known, even by comic fans. Not everyone who knows Wolverine and Spiderman is going to recognize Citizen V and Techno. Heck, they wouldn’t know them as the villains Baron Zemo and the Fixer either.
Marvel movies have done a great job with origins, I feel. Look at Blade. They tell his origin in the first 3 minutes, as the credits roll. By the time “Directed by”¦” scrolls past, the past is all neat and tidy and we hit the ground running in the here and now. Perfect! So for my Thunderbolts film, let’s have some narration as the credits roll, describing in purposefully vague terms the Onslaught scenario. We don’t even need to mention Onslaught by name, though I’d use the word as descriptive noun to explain that many of the world’s Marvelous Heroes were lost after the conflict. For visuals, I’d either see comic art or a montage of new art in the manner of the opening sequence from Spiderman 2. I thought that worked very well. Once the credits are out of the way, we’ll follow a shadowy individual sneaking through the dirty alleys of New York City. This will turn out to be The Beetle, aka Abe Jenkins, aka Mach-1. He makes his way nervously to an abandoned warehouse to meet with the rest of the Master of Evil already inside: Zemo, Fixer, Moonstone, Goliath and Screaming Mimi. Zemo outlines his masterful plan: to make the Masters of Evil into a new team of HEROES! There’s much dissention as the team thinks Zemo has finally lost his mind. But when Fixer directs everyone to a row of crates and shows them their new gear, the reality of the plan begins to sink in. They could actually do this. They agree to think it over, and we see the beginnings of the relationships within the team forming. Zemo, Fixer and Moonstone take the long-term view, Beetle, Goliath and Mimi are just happy for the chance to avoid jail for awhile. A montage of costume disrobing and re-dressing later, we see the Thunderbolts take to the streets on their first patrol.
The first major battle pits them against Hydra terrorists. The fight goes pretty well, though they might wish for a bit less collateral damage next time out. During the battle, we see a pretty young Asian woman hiding near the Hydra agents’ vehicle. And errant shot pierces a canister of experimental gas near her in the back of the vehicle, dousing her with unknown chemicals. She shuffles away slowly, and then begins to run away from the scene. As she runs, we find that she’s running faster than humanly possible. She even begins to run right off the ground! She flies up over the skyline, smiles wide at the idea of having powers and promptly gets struck by lightning. It’s just not her night. She falls unconscious directly over the fray below as the Hydra agents are nearing defeat. She passes in front of the gigantic face of Atlas who catches her gently. After the battle, the Thunderbolts argue over what to do with her. Old habits die hard as a couple of them suggest killing her or holding her for ransom. Meteorite, formerly Moonstone, admonishes them, reminds them that they’re heroes now and they take her back to their base to recover. The young lady wakes up thrilled to be rescued by superheroes, even unknown ones. She quickly demonstrates her own abilities, surprising herself with electric blasts she hadn’t known she had before. Atlas gives her the name “Jolt” and the team is complete. They hold a press conference with hotshot mayoral candidate/newswoman Dallas Riordan to announce to the world that there are still heroes in the world to protect them!
But all is not roses. Zemo, now Citizen V, is working both sides of the fence. He’s been hiring villains for them to fightâ€â€villains who’ll take the dive to make the Thunderbolts look better and build morale. These could just be super-powered Hydra agents or a handful of B-list characters like Killer Shrike, Blacklash, Batroc’s Brigade, the Ani-men. I’d do a montage of the team fighting these threats over a hard-rocking soundtrack. They don’t need to be big slobber-knocker scenes, just fairly quick edits like you’d see when Spiderman spends a night swinging through the city clobbering bad guys. And it all goes well, until Wolfgang Von Strucker, the Supreme Hydra, plants some villains of his own. These guys take the money and still try to win. The Thunderbolts leave this battle in retreat, their equipment damaged and their egos bruised worse than their bodies. While Techno and Mach-1 repair their equipment, Jolt watches Meteorite work the base’s computer, looking for leads. Meteorite is called away to referee an argument between Atlas and Techno that’s getting out of hand, and Jolt starts running through the data at super-speed. She discovers the link between Citizen V and several underworld figures, including the Kingpin, Silvermane, The Owl and Justin Hammer (just still images in the files, but we’ll use Michael Clark Duncan’s Kingpin!). She shows the data to Songbird first, who moves to confront Zemo. When it becomes obvious that Zemo miscalculated, that once his Masters of Evil tasted life from the other side of the law they would never go back, he flees, swearing that without him the Thunderbolts are doomed to failure! Mach – 1 is elected to lead the team and they follow the trail Jolt uncovered to Hydra base. They soundly defeat the terrorists and are proclaimed heroes by the Mayor and the press. We end with a shot of Zemo watching this from his new base, the shadows of his new army of villains watching from over his shoulder. Roll credits.
The inevitable sequel would have Zemo engaging in a public relations war against the Thunderbolts, setting them up for a fall while positioning his own team of New Thunderbolts to take their place. Blizzard, Joystick, Radioactive Man, Speed Demon and Swordsman make their appearance. No Captain Photon-Marvel, I just can’t handle trying to explain all of that. Besides, I might want to cast the original Captain Marvel later. I’d have a courtroom scene where the Thunderbolts are brought to testify in their defense on a variety of charges. They’d be represented by the law firm of Busiek, Bagley and Nicieza (sorry to Patrick Zircher, I just think law firms sound best with three names. Maybe he could be a Hydra scientist somewhere? Or an anchorman?)
Cast and Crew: Thunderbolts (The Motion Picture)
Zemo/Citizen V: Jürgen Prochnow. The obvious choice. I defy anyone to find someone better! What? Eric Roberts?!? I’m trying to get this in THEATRES, not direct-to-video! I don’t think JULIA Roberts even acknowledges him.
Moonstone/Meteorite: Sabine Ehrenfeld. The Overstock.com woman! – I just think Moonstone should have a slight European accent. Sabine just needs a break to get her career really going. And the Big O lady is hotter than 10 hot things!
Goliath/Atlas: Kevin Nash. Just need a big guy here, special effects will make him bigger. Kevin can be cracking jokes one minute and then slamming somebody through a wall the next. I think he’s more than capable of handling the dialogue. I know wrestlers aren’t everybody’s favorite casting choice, but Atlas really is just brute strength. Kevin played The Russian in the Punisher, the silent destroyer of Frank Castle’s apartment. He’s known in wrestling as a good mic worker with a good sense of humor. Give him a chance.
Fixer/Techno: Steve Buscemi. A smartass who’s a little bit frantic, I think he’d be perfect to portray a genius more comfortable with machines than people.
Beetle/Mach-1: Mark Hamill. Why won’t anybody cast him? I mean, honestly, who’d have thought playing a Jedi would typecast him? Sam Jackson still gets work and Mark was a better Jedi. His current appearance doesn’t work as a wide-eyed farm boy heroes anymore, but it’d be perfect for a world-weary, downtrodden villain looking for a way out. Besides, This character is in full-coverage armor most of the time. And Mark is a terrific voice actor. But if this is going to lead up to a Mach-1/Songbird romance, maybe I should try to keep the ages of the actors a little closer”¦so in that case I could go with”¦
Beetle/Mach-1: Matt Damon. He’s proven that he can hold his own in an action role with the Bourne Identity. I think he could certainly pull of the look and physical mannerisms of someone with a long history of having his ass handed to him by a guy in webbed tights.
Screaming Mimi/Songbird: Scarlett Johansen. Can she sing? Who knows? Do we all want to see her in spandex? Hell yeah. Will she appeal to a wider audience? Yep. ‘Nuff said.
Jolt: China Chow. Thought she was hella cute in The Big Hit and haven’t seen her since. If anyone can find her, send her to the set of Thunderbolts for her mask fitting.
Dallas Riordan: Jamie Luner. I’m a sucker for redheads, and this former Profiler has always made me stop and go, “Oooh”¦pretty!” And she can act too. She got good press for the Profiler role, and has also appeared on Melrose Place.
Baron Von Strucker: Rutger Hauer. He’s German and he’s a great bad guy. A little crack-face make up and a monocle and we’re on our way to the Oscars. OK, I’ll settle for the MTV Awards.
Director: Jon ‘24′ Cassar. He handles large casts and multiple subplots like nobody’s business. If anyone can weave this cumbersome plot and large cast into a cohesive narrative, he can. Shine up that Oscar!
Cast and Crew: Thunderbolts: Zemo’s Revenge
(only listed if different from above)
Radioactive Man: The Great Muta aka Mutoh Keiji. Mutoh-san will kill me if he reads the site. Radioactive Man is Chinese, Mutoh-san is Japanese. But he’s big and bald and I don’t know any big, bald Chinese actors off the top of my head, so he gets the nod. This would be a CG-heavy role as well.
Joystick: Christina Hendricks. The lovely and devious wife of Captain Malcolm Reynolds in two episodes of Firefly. And a redhead. Perfect combination for the lovely and devious Joystick.
Swordsman: Adrian Paul. I always thought after Highlander: the Series he’d do something bigger and better and he hasn’t. So let’s give him this and allow him to do some cool swordfights.
Speed Demon: Sean Patrick Flanery. This guy was on the rise with the Young Indiana Jones adventures. He was terrific in The Boondock Saints. And yet he can’t pay someone else to put him in anything that’s not direct to video. Terribly sad, really. Meanwhile Jack Black still gets work. Truly there is no god. Sean gets some good lines in the sequel and the chicks dig him. Bam! He’s a star! Make it so!
Blizzard: James Marsters. How about we make this guy vulnerable when his mask is off, but an absolutely homicidal nut job in the heat of battle? James is the man for that. I’m still trying to reconcile the fact that the erstwhile Spike is not, in real life, British. Had me fooled. That’s ACTING I tell ya!
Kurt Busiek: Ron Silver. I always enjoy Ron Silver. He comes off smart, well spoken, personable and yet somehow untrustworthy. Just like a lawyer, right? I know Kurt often wears a beard, so Ron sprang to mind.
Mark Bagley: Chris Cooper. Couldn’t tell you if Chris and Mark look anything alike, but Chris is always consistently strong in his roles, and Bagley’s the same way in his art. Have you ever read a Bagley comic and thought the art was bad? Nope, me neither. Have you ever thought a Chris Cooper performance was anything less than fine? Nope me neither.
Fabian Nicieza: William H. Macy. I’m sure you all thought I’d cast Boy George or worse, and while I don’t know what Fabian looks like, Macy always has that “everybody dumps on me and yet I win in the end” vibe. And I think Fabian’s kinda like that too. After all, he gets to write comics for a living; all I get to do is bitch about his.
Send me your casts – they need not be as descriptive as mine – and I’ll run them here. You’ll note that I don’t do colorblind casting. I’m not going to convince anyone that Dennis Haysbert would be an awesome Zemo, just because he’s a wonderful actor. C’mon, who ever heard of a black Nazi? I left Michael C. Duncan as Kingpin because Marvel/Hollywood has already established him on the big screen. And I didn’t make Mach-1 black because he was white for years and only turned black because Marvel seemed to have some kind of equal opportunity quota going for that year. Instead of bringing in a new character that was already black, like Thunderball from the Wrecking Crew perhaps, the writer (forget if it was Busiek or Nicieza at that time) just came up with a weak plot device to cause some interracial dating tension. I’m skipping all of that in the movie. But I’ll be revisiting all this in an upcoming column, once my day job starts cooperating so I can get some research done.
Until then, I wait with low expectations for Superman Returns or whatever they’re calling it. Hopefully I’ll have earned enough frequent movie watcher points by then to not actually have to pay $8 to watch somebody run around on screen for two hours with his underwear on the outside of his tights. And then spend hours trying to explain to everyone why he’s made of blue energy in the sequel.
Welcome to my nightmare.
