Brian Spill: Scissors, Tweezers, and Batteries

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Did you know that once the protein Maskin is released from the 5′ cap of eukaryotic mRNA, cytoplasmic polyadenylation can occur, allowing the 3′ Poly-A Binding Proteins to interact with Eukaryotic Initiation Factors, thus permitting protein synthesis via translation?

Wait a sec, you didn’t know that? How could you not? People, it’s stuff that that almost literally is the secret of life! THIS STUFF IS IMPORTANT!

Or at least that’s what my Molecular Biology teacher constantly tells us. I love constant reminders of how I’m not only stupid, but ‘replaceable’ as well. Yes, my teacher actually said the above paragraph to our class after a recent test.

Well anyway, I did not want to be ‘that guy’ (or that girl), and fail another one of his tests, so the past couple of nights have been … intense, let’s say. Therefore, and I apologize to my fans for this, but this column kinda takes a backseat in times like that.

But the good news is you fans do get a column this week, and I’m going to be in a decent mood, because I’m pissed off at my professor, not the world. It’s so much easier to take anger out on one person than everyone. However, not only is my column two days late, but rather, it’s another classic…

Express Column. Limit nine items per customer.

Last week, I had “nothing to say” but still ended up rambling for three and a half pages. The average column is about four pages, so really last week’s was not too ‘express’ at all. This week, I have a feeling that that may change, and I’ll stick to my promise of insufficiency.

Let’s jump into Survivor, instead of this DNA crap.

Sadly, the Pagonging of La Mina continued, with little hope in sight. My boy Austin the Writer (capital W on Writer because that’s his official rank) was voted out, and now no one good looking is left on the island. Sure, a couple attractive females, and maybe Aras. Actually, that’s a good percentage, considering that Jerry Seinfeld considers maximum 10% of the population ‘good looking.’ But the important part is that Austin’s gone, and that really pisses me off.

And of course, we’re left with the classic ‘what’s next?’ question to ponder. There’s still 6-2 in favor of Casaya, but now there’s plenty of cushion for them to get rid of one of their own. And eight people left is historically a time of Survivor drama. Let’s look at the reels:

Borneo- Jenna, Gervase, and Colleen planned a (failed) counter-attack on Rich
Outback- Ogakor ousted Jerri and kept sweet Elisabeth
Africa- Samburu went after one of their own (Brandon) to punish him
Thailand- Chuay Gahn did end up stick together post-merge and took control
Amazon- even the women were pissed off at Deena (surprise surprise)
Pearl Islands- Rupert, Rupert, Rupert
Palau- That bitch Janu quit, thus earning the title of ‘That Bitch Janu’
Guatemala- Jamie pissed everyone off, even his tribemates.

Wow, eight of eleven. That means a high likelihood of something awesome happening this week. What, exactly, still remains to be answered. I cannot believe it, but Shane actually shut up. And then Aras and Courtney argued about who to send home. And Danielle now knows about Terry’s little secret, and can use it how she wishes within her own side. And once again Bruce foolishly flaunted his power as potential swing vote.

I find it hilarious that through all this Casaya ‘domination,’ they cannot form a cohesive group. They’re more than due for an explosion, which could only help Terry and Sally. And to further prove how ‘in control’ Casaya is, the final three people in the immunity challenge were the three remaining La Mina. Maybe something is right in the universe.

So I’m leaving it at that. If drama is to happen this week, I’ll leave it up to you and your imaginations to come up with the ‘how’ part. I have good fans, who I trust will come up with some crazy ideas.

And time for the Rundown. As always, I give you the disclaimer that the Rundown measure’s each person’s likelihood of winning it all, given current level of game play, relative to everyone else. And I will once again state that my Rundown has NEVER been wrong, so go ahead and bet on what I say. Feel free to share the winnings with me if you win (whoops, I meant to say ‘when you win’)

Loser’s Lounge:
16- Tina Scheer
15- Melinda Hyder
14- Misty Giles
13- Ruth Marie Milliman
12- Bobby Mason
11- Dan Berry
10- Nick Stanbury

Jury Hole:
9- Austin Carty (9). Well, my fears came true. Austin, you’re a writer and you’re adorable, and who couldn’t love you. I’m not going to dilute those glowing compliments with any other BS, so that’s all I have to say for you. Now, you’re a juror, and do yourself a huge favor and not be an angry juror. It’s been happening WAY too much lately. You won’t lose me as a fan if you’re a cool juror.
*Jury Hole Update!* The term ‘Jury Hole’ has been renamed from ‘Jury Junction.’ First off, the word ‘hole’ is so random, that how could it not work? Also, as stated above, many jurors as of late have been real assholes, thus the term ‘hole’ seems appropriate.
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8- Bruce Kanegai (6). Okay, I officially have no clue what Bruce is up to. Now in that last sentence, replace ‘I’ and ‘have’ with ‘Bruce’ and ‘has,’ respectively. How could someone who flaunts power that he does not have even consider being successful in this game? He can’t, and right now, I’m hoping for a coup just to get rid of him. He’s really annoying as of late.

7- Aras Baskauskas (5). Just after I go and say how well Aras is doing, he goes and takes a dump all over me (which still is not cool). Aras is taking charge, and I don’t think he’s in charge. Blatantly being an asshole at the immunity challenge may have worked, but at what expense? And that look he gave Courtney at Tribal Council after Austin left did more than say ‘you’re so F-ing lucky, you bitch.’ Forget Shane, everyone else now has a new target to go after.

6- Shane Powers (8). Shane did not do a good job this week. Blatantly telling Terry who is and who is not part of your plan is just plain dumb. However, I did promote him this week based solely on the fact that Aras did worse than him, so he’s one spot above Aras.

5- Sally Schumann (7). Sally is still in a decent position because she is not a target. There HAS to be some reason why Casaya picked to keep her instead of Austin, and Austin’s strength is not a part of it, I feel. Sally kicked ass in both challenges, and she could be trouble in the next phase of the game. Of course, being trouble could bite her in the ass as quickly as it could work in her favor, but for purposes of this column, I’m choosing good for her.

4- Courtney Marit (3). She really lucked out that Austin was not given the talisman. I think that although Austin is gone, the seeds of dissent may have been planted.

3- Terry Deitz (4). Terry does a switcheroo this week because Courtney made a booboo. Terry just could win this whole thing because he’ll keep winning every immunity from here on out. He was wise to finally let his teammates know about his talisman, but did he let too many people know?

2- Cirie Fields (1). Cirie did nothing wrong this past week, and did not put her here at #2 until I got here. Cirie is still in a great position, is not a target, and did not do anything to mess it up. And as we all know, she’s part of Shane’s master plan, so that might not be a bad thing.

1- Danielle DiLorenzo (2). Finally back where she was so long ago, Danielle has reclaimed the top spot. And not only that, but she gets Player of the Week Honors as well. Danielle didn’t mess up at all by not going with Terry. But she does now know about his talisman, and that gives her power. To some, that’s not enough for her to recapture #1, but she also took her trip to Exile Island like a total champ. Perhaps I just have a heart, and that’s overwhelming me.

And that’s it folks. I’m off to dream about popsicles. Orange flavored.
So until next time, when we have ‘the sit-down chat,’ stay cool.

~Dora