It’s been a rather weird day for me, not only is it one of the first Public Holidays where it hasn’t even felt like a Holiday, but I’ve spent the entire day watching T and A. I had to tape Australia’s Next Top Model (which pales in comparison to America’s) for a friend and I got bored of watching it so put on the new Tomb Raider Legend game. Just to make up for all the testosterone, I have to watch several Cillian Murphy movies for homework, as well as today’s episode of SmackDown. But who am I kidding, I would have watched Cillian Murphy movies and SmackDown anyway. And with the way today’s movies are, my day will be made into a Movie called ‘Staircase Of Fire’. And I didn’t get to go to the Gym today, and I’ve eaten sooooo much chocolate. On a sidenote, don’t you just pity the straight guys who work at Betty Crocker? The ones that pack Fudge for a Living that just don’t get the reference in their . . position. . . Man, I’m such a stereotype sometimes and you can tell what kind of mood I’m in today. Either way, SmackDown’s beginning, so let’s watch some guys squirm.
Tonight, Chris Benoit cashes in his United States Championship. Meanwhile, the ring has been set up for the King Of The Ring, with Kurt Angle and Randy Orton in the quarter final opening match tonight, and here comes Booker T! Both he and Sharmell are wearing light golden brown (or, sometimes referred to as tan) colors. A kid in the crowd is eating worms, sweet. Booker and Sharmell basically hype up the crowd, going on about SmackDown is now a “Boogeyman Free Zone”. They bring up “Gunner Something”. Classic. Booker T and Sharmell have finally perfectly meshed together. Booker goes on about the legacy and results of the King Of The Ring Tournaments, about how it makes people. Angle, Orton, Lashley, Hardy, Finlay, Henry, and Benoit are his competition for the King Of The Ring Tournament. Sharmell talks about how Booker T was born for everything that comes with the King Of The Ring Tournament, before Booker requests all of his subjects to rise and bow at their next King. Booker goes to try on the King’s Cake, putting it on like James Brown. Classic! The outfit makes him look rather fat, actually, though it’s probably just the suit, and King Booker knights the audience. Booker T looks like one of the most retarded Kings since . . well . . ever. Lashley comes out of nowhere and spears Booker T! Booker T stays on the mat, with his feet still up in the air until he sits up. Perfectly done by Booker T, who reminds us all of just how funny and fun he can be, outside of jigging at SNME.
Tonight: Daivari and . . The Great Khali. And World Heavy Weight Champion Rey Mysterio is here tonight, as well!
Commercials.
Opening Contest: Brian Kendrick with Paul London verses Johnny Nitro with Melina and Joey Mercury
Tony Chimmel is sounding heaps like how he used to tonight, like on the old British Pay Per Views and SmackDown games. Before the match begins we get a clip from their tag match last week. Nitro gets a knee to Kendrick’s gut first and nails some forearms, before Kendrick gets some of his own. Nitro gets to the apron, and reverses a suplex attempt by Kendrick and nails a fall forward russian leg sweep with Kendrick going into the second rope and Nitro gets a two. Nitro locks on a Cobra Clutch in the middle of the ring and Kendrick tries to escape, but Nitro gets a knee and throw Kendrick out of the ring, where Melina slaps Kenrick a few times. Back in the ring, Nitro sends Kendrick into the corner and nails a knee, following with some shoulders to the gut, dances around a bit, before slamming his head into the top turnbuckle, allowing Kendrick to get a missile dropkick! Off the ropes and Kendrick gets an elbow to the face off Nitro, shoulder back toss, and NICE swinging neckbreaker into facebuster by Kendrick. Mercury gets on the apron, but Kendrick kicks him off with an elbow (just to see if you’re paying attention) and gets a nice heel kick to Nitro. Kendrick goes up top, but is thrown off by Mercury, and Nitro gets a package for two. OUT OF NOWHERE (or, more specifically, the other side of the ring) London runs through the ring and dives through the ropes with a suicide dive to Mercury! Back in the ring, Nitro tries to scoop Kendrick but Kendrick falls behind Nitro, grabs him from behind, and rams him into Melina who was just getting onto the apron, Nitro tries to help Melina back up but Kendrick jumps on his shoulders an rolls through with a Victory Roll for the victory!
Winner: Brian Kendrick
Afterwards, Kendrick celebrates while MNM, again, regain their composure in the ring and pose with the Championships for the second week in a row. Easy: Eight out of Ten. Who knows, if the WWE continues playing these cards, they might just have a Tag Team Division . . And yes, I didn’t take my medication today, how’d you know I didn’t take my three bags of Doritos before Breakfast?
Recap of William Regal and Paul Burchill last week, and we see Paul Burchill knocking on a door backstage asking for his Buxom Wrench, Lady Regal. Regal is hilarious when he’s ranting about the heels and the undies, but we don’t see Regal just yet sadly, as Burchill tells Regal to “tuck that in – we’re next”.
Commercials.
WWE 24/7 Presents This Week in Wrestling History: Barely Legal 97, the first Pay Per View held by ECW, is main evented by Sabu and Tazz. Looked like a pretty good match, and I’m sure that a lot of people were surprised that Tazz won, I know I was and I didn’t even see the damned thing.
Second Context: Paul Burchill with Lady Regal verses Russian Brown
I don’t know how to write Brown’s name. Burchill announces Lady Regal personally, and he swings off of the rope and falls flat on his face! Regal looks like a crack addicted Dolly Parton, actually, or a hooker from near here, and Regal has to do the Stacy Keibler entrance, before Burchill begins poking Regal’s rear with the sword. Fan-friggin-tastic! And Regal has to remain dressed like a lady until Burchill loses a match. Burchill and Brown lock up, with brown throwing Burchill into the corner. Burchill gets a forearm into headlock and, after being irish whipped and ducking a clothesline, gets a knee to the gut of Brown. Brown clubs away on Burchill and Regal gets up on the apron, demanding that Brown send Burchill his way. Regal goes to punch Burchill but Regal nails Brown! C-4 and it’s over!
Winner: Paul Burchill
Afterards, Paul Burchill helps Lady Regal backstage, and makes Regal do the elegant ladie’s bow at the entrance way. 10 out of 10 simply to see Regal, I’m obviously ignoring the squash factor of this match baby.
Kristal interviews Kurt Angle backstage. Angle congratulates Mysterio on his Championship victory, before telling Orton that he’s taking out everything on him tonight.
Up next: World Heavy Weight Champion Rey Mysterio.
Commercials.
Classic King Of The Ring Crowning: Bret Hart verses Bam Bam Bigelow, with Hart winning with a victory roll.
Third Contest: Matt Hardy verses Road Warrior Animal
HEY! A Velocity clip! Hardy attacks Animal early on, but Animal tackles him into the apron twice and sends Hardy shoulder first into the steel pole. Animal clubs away on Hardy on the outside, slapping him even – which proves that he’s wearing so much leather for a reason – and gets a chair from ringside. Animal goes to take it into the ring but Hardy begins clubbing on him and the referee slides the chair out of the ring, Animal gets a poke to the eyes and he can get back to his feet. Hardy with a Twist Of Fate for the victory . . . Wait, what?
Winner: Matt Hardy
-5 out of 10, but, hey, I’m liking Animal being used as the little Jobber that can’t.
ANOTHER clip (I know there’s been none tonight, but there was heaps last week) for Rey Mysterio’s World Heavyweight Championship victory.
Up next: Chris Benoit verses John Bradshaw Layfield, for the United States Championship.
Commercials.
Palmer Cannon tells, on behalf of the network, and repeats that the following vignette is not endorsed by the Network, himself, nor any of the Network’s affiliates.
Mike The Miz, again, running through the WWE Headquarters, and he farted while doing Pilates.
Benoit and JBL make their entrances, before Long comes out and surprises the two by making the match a Steel Cage Match up! Also, Jillian Hall is looking rather good tonight in a nice little black number.
Fourth Contest: United States Championship: Steel Cage Match: Chris Benoit verses John Bradshaw Layfield (Champion) with Jillian Hall
Benoit kicks JBL in the gut to start off, and takes JBL into the corner with punches and forearms. Benoit goes to slam JBL’s head into the steel cage twice, but both times JBL pushes non the steel mesh, before Benoit gets a knee to the gut of JBL and takes JBL into the corner for a headbutt. JBL stumbles to the middle of the ring and begins to punch away at Benoit, but a quick kick stops that. Irish whip by Benoit gives JBL the chance for a shoulder block, knocking Benoit down, before JBL makes a quick break to exit the ring. JBL gets to the top of the cage before Benoit grabs his foot and brings JBL back onto the top rope, a few chops later and JBL has fallen back into the ring. Benoit tries to escape, but JBL gets him in a back body drop and drops him in the middle of the ring. Swinging neckbreaker by JBL who again attempts to escape, but Benoit grabs the ankle and drags him back down into the corner for some chops. Snap Suplex by Benoit, who quickly tries to lock in the Sharpshooter but gets pushed off by JBL, who gets a shortarm clothesline. Elbow drops by JBL to the damaged neck of Benoit (no, I mean, the other neck – of course the damaged neck) and JBL gets a two count. Back in the corner JBL gets some punches, knocking Benoit down, before beginning to climb up the cage but Benoit grabs him by the knee pad, clubs away, and drags JBL back down, and chops obviously follow. JBL gets a blatant eye poke and begins to climb the cage again, but Benoit gets up and nails some headbutts to JBL, but JBL simply pushes Benoit back into the ring, and Benoit crashes onto the canvas. JBL goes for the Three Amigos suplex combo, but gets to number three and Benoit trips JBL over and goes for the Sharpshooter, but fails. JBL mounts Benoit and begins to punch away, but Benoit catches an arm and tries to lock on the Crippler Crossface! Benoit can’t hook the arm, so picks up JBL and nails the Three Amigos! Benoit signals for the Swandive Headbutt, and nails it! And, of all things, Benoit begins to climb the cage. Not ONCE thinking to apply the Sharpshooter, Crippler Crossface, or get a pinfall. Dumbass, since JBL catches up to him and nails a Russian Leg Sweep from the top rope into the ring!
Commercials.
We’re back to see a kneeling Benoit nailing a kneeling JBL with headbutts, and JBL rolling down. Benoit begins to climb out of the cage, but JBL latches onto Benoit’s ankle and drags him down into (what I hoped would be an electric chair drop) a drop, for a two. Benoit gets a forearm, bounces off the ropes, and comes back into a sleeper hold! Benoit tries to not tap out, and he doesn’t, but looks to be losing conciousness. The referee drops his arm twice, but it doesn’t go down on the third time, and Benoit begins to mount a comeback! Benoit grabs JBL and reverses the Sleeper hold with a back body drop. JBL is the first up, kicking Benoit in the head, and goes for another short arm clothesline, but Benoit ducks and two Germans! Benoit clubs on JBL a bit, bounces off the ropes but is greeted with a tig Boot by JBL! JBL begins to climb the turnbuckles, and then the cage, but Benoit makes a wild leap for JBL’s ankle and nails a German Suplex! Benoit begins to crawl towards the door, which is opened by the referee at ringside, but Hall begins arguing with the referee! Meanwhile, JBL has dragged Benoit away from the door and is beginning to escape through the door himself, until Hall turns around and pushes the door right onto JBL’s head! Benoit locks on the Crippler Crossface, and Hall begins to climb the cage and distract the referees! JBL reverses the Crossface into a pinning situation for a two (though, I could have sworn it was a three), before JBL begins to make his way to the door. JBL and Benoit up and Benoit locks onto JBL, preparing for another German, but JBL grabs the referee and nails a low blow to Benoit, and JBL escapes!
Winner And STILL Champion: John Bradshaw Layfield
Ten out of Ten, as that was twenty six minutes of good wrestling. My only question is, though, howcome Long decided to make it a Steel Cage Match out of nowhere, hm?
Commercials.
Recap of Mark Henry and the UnderTaker’s feud, or more specifically, Undertaker meets The Great Khali, leads us into Tony Chimmel introducing The Great Khali. Say what you will about the guy, but I’m impressed by his physical feat, so I’m happy. And by the way, Michael Cole, Daivari is NOT a normal sized man. He’s a extremely large smurf with a tan. “USA” Chant breaks out, of course, and Daivari says that Khali has walked through a jungle unafraid, and that the Earth trembled at his gaze . . . Geez, if Daivari wasn’t over the top before, he certainly is now.
Commercials.
Fifth Contest: The Mexicools verses The Gymini with Simon Dean
Note: The Gymini now have names. Jesse. And. Jake. Yeah, I know, I don’t know ANYONE who names their childrin Jesse and Jake Gymini. Stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed, but if they didn’t, you’d be reading someone else’s SmackDown report instead of mine, which would cease to exist. G1 and G2 rules are still going to apply. Psicosis and G1 start off by circling each other, lock up and G1 quickly knees Psicosis in the gut before picking up Psicosis and sitting him on the top rope and punching him in the gut and over the top rope, nice. Crazy goes to check on Psicosis, but G1 pushes Crazy over the Lawnmower, and slides Psicosis back into the ring. G1 gets Psicosis in a headlock and nails some knees to the gut. Tag out to G2 an Psicosis is hit with a double team Suplex for two. Scoop slam by G2, who quickly pushes Crazy off of the apron. Crazy begins arguing with the referee as the Gymini throws Psicosis up in the air and slam him back down, with G2 only getting a two count, broken by a soccer kick to the head by Crazy. Tag out to G1. Scoop slam by G1, who goes up top and goes to jump off with something, but Psicosis raises a boot (which looked just a stupid as when Mysterio and Orton did it last week), before G1 tries to quickly drop an elbow and Psicosis moves out of the way and tags out to Crazy! Crazy in with a missile dropkick to G1, spinning heel kick to G1, springboard dropkick to G2! Off the ropes and G1 goes for a clothesline but Crazy avoids it, bounces off the opposite ropes and slides under G1’s legs and nails G2 with a baseball slide. G1 clubs on Crazy and drags him to the corner, he whips him into the opposite corner an runs after him but Crazy escapes the corner and G1 slams into the turnbuckles. Crazy nails a Tornado DDT for a one count, broken by G2! Psicosis begins arguing with the referee as G2 slides G1 out of the ring, Crazy tries to grapple G2 but G2 nails a flip back STO (and, may I say, WOW!) for the victory!
Winners: The Gymini
Six out of Ten. Was pretty good, but the fact remains that it was a it too . . you know . . . formula. Good guy gets singled out by both bad guys, other good guy in and gets defeated easily. I’ve never really understood it. Oh well.
Commercials.
Recap of the King Of The Ring Contestants night thus far; Lashley and Booker T, Benoit’s title match, and the announcement of Matt Hardy verses Booker T next week on SmackDown, leads us into Kurt Angle’s entrance. This, in turn, leads us into . .
Commercials.
Main Event: King Of The Ring Tournament Opening Round: Kurt Angle verses Randy Orton
Orton doesn’t pose on the ropes and, instead, poses right in front of Angle. Nice touch. Angle tries to get Orton in the corner, but the referee forces Angle off, and the same happens in the other corner but this time Angle throws the referee to the side only to get punched down by Orton. Orton goes to capitalise but Angle gets some clotheslines in. Angle sends Orton into the corner where Orton gets an elbow to Angle, although runs right into a Belly to Belly by Angle. Angle clotheslines Orton over the top rope, and quickly rolls him back in the ring and locks on the AnkleLock! Orton eventually rolls and sends Angle shoulder first into the steel pole. Orton takes advantage and works Angle’s arm, incorporating the top turnbuckle with it. Orton kicks away at Angle, before using the ropes in a hammerlock. Orton works the arm in the middle of the ring, before Angle nails a arm drag. Orton gets a sunset flip, which Angle rolls through and locks on the AnkleLock! Orton tries to roll through, but Angle keeps the hold on this time, and Orton is forced to kick Angle off of him, before quickly getting a dropkick for two. Orton nails a kneedrop on the arm, before going back to working the arm, before getting on a Sleeper hold and then turning it into a Rear Choke Hold (there is a difference, but it’s only slight). Angle suddenly gets another ind and beguns to elbow out of it, before punching Orton off of him and bouncing off the ropes and into an elbow by Orton. Orton picks him up, grabs the arm, and falls back, getting a two count before locking in a nice variation of a hammerlock. Angle gets to his feet and escapes the hammerlock, and is stupid enough to nail Orton with a uppercut with the injured arm (though he sells it, so I can forgive that). Orton gets whipped into the ropes but holds onto them and flips Angle over the top ropes onto the mat below, and Angle lands perfectly safe (unless he sells the knee) and yet collapses. He’d better sell the leg because the replay made the leg look a bit weird. On the apron Orton goes to suplex Angle back into the ring, but Angle reverses it and Orton falls onto the floor and looks like his legs fell out from under him as he landed. Back in the ring, Angle is quick to nail the Triple Germans and the straps are now off people! AngleSlam reversed into Orton’s backbreaker for a two count! Orton begins to get ready for the RKO! Orton and Angle up, Orton hooks the arm but Angle throws him down and Orton’s leg is raised and locked into the AngleLock! Angle locks his legs around the thigh of Orton and Orton taps!
Winner And Advancing Into Semi-Finals: Kurt Angle
Ten out of Ten, duh. Post match, Angle reapplies the Ankle Lock not once but Twice! And now begins Randy Orton’s Sixty Day Minimum Suspension, it seems. People tend to Orton as we finish up this week’s episode. And to say it was a packed episode ould be to say the least. I liked every minute of this episode. Keeping in mind that Matt Hardy verses Road Warrior Animal only went for about a minute.
Brian Kendrick verses Johnny Nitro: 8 / 10
Paul Burchill verses Russian Brown: 10 / 10
Matt Hardy verses Road Warrior Animal: -5 / 10
John Bradshaw Layfield verses Chris Benoit: 10 / 10
The Gymini verses The Mexicools: 6 / 10
Kurt Angle verses Randy Orton: 10 / 10
SmackDown 14 / 04 / 06: 39 / 60
Until tomorrow and Velocity, Ciao Yall!
