Robot Chicken Season 1. Now out on DVD. Get it, if only so Seth Green doesn’t have to make a choice between giving blowjobs to homeless guys and doing another Austin Powers sequel.
Sarah Jane: “I saw things you wouldn’t believe.”
Rose: “Try me.”
Sarah Jane: “Mummies.”
Rose: “I’ve met ghosts.”
Sarah Jane: “Robots. Lots of robots.”
Rose: “Slitheen. In Downing Street.”
Sarah Jane: “Daleks!”
Rose: “Met the Emperor.”
Sarah Jane: “Anti-matter monsters!”
Rose: “Gas-mask zombies.”
Sarah Jane: “Real, living dinosaurs!”
Rose: “Real living werewolves.”
Sarah Jane: “The Loch Ness Monster!”
Rose: “…seriously?”
I have always wondered what a dick-waving contest between Doctor Who companions would be like. Now we get to see that in a couple of weeks (or you have seen it if you’ve already seen the extended season preview). Season premiere on Saturday, and I’m ready for it.
When you’ve been doing something long enough, you tend to get into a routine. Whether it’s something at your job or your hobby or whatever, familiarity not only breeds contempt, but complacency. This is one reason that inspectors are very often shifted, especially if they’re in a position of responsibility. A fresh set of eyes can notice things that you ignore out of habit. I thought that, through a decade and a half of training and mental discipline that would give a Vulcan a hard-on, I destroyed that habit in me.
Guess not.
I found out that I had a routine in doing the weekend Short Form. I’d start downloading one of the non-US feeds of Smackdown either on Thursday night (if it was uploaded a little early) or on Friday morning after I got up. I’d either start watching it on Friday afternoon/evening or wait until Saturday morning if the spoilers sounded dire. Then, start downloading Impact on Saturday night, get up on Sunday morning, put on some coffee, start watching, then wrap this up. Now this routine’s been spoiled, and I’m looking for a new one.
I should be used to changing routines for this particular column. After all, it’s been done in various and sundry combinations. Thursday night SD/Friday afternoon Impact, those two plus Wednesday TNA PPVs, various “special event” Triple Threats (the Dog Show Raw, the Hall of Fame, SNME). However, there is a “default” mode for this column, and it’s been established. Now I have to rip that up and try something different. So, to motivate myself, I’m going to set a goal: finish this column before Smackdown airs in the US. And I’ll keep doing that until I start working again.
That’s doable. As I write this paragraph, it’s 12:30 PM CDT and I’ve just finished downloading Smackdown (Impact was downloaded hours ago). So now I just have to pack in all that viewing and get this bitch into our posting system before 7 PM. I’m on the clock. But I will make a slight change in column format. In honor of Impact’s new time slot, I’m giving it the lead this week. Congrats, TNA. Now do something with it.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Samoa Joe over Christopher Daniels, X Division Title Match (Pinfall, Island Driver, New X Division Champion): I said all I wanted to about the booking on Tuesday, so go back there and read it, since I can say this only once.
As for the match itself…okay, we now have the bar set for Free TV Match Of The Year. It’s going to be awfully difficult to beat (and you somehow know that any contender will probably involve Joe, Daniels, or Angle). This thing did get into four-snowflake territory, and I only saw one small blown spot. The reason that people might downgrade it is the fact that, from these two, this kind of match is an expected occurrence. I hope that people remember this one for MOTY when the time comes amid all of the shenanigans with these two and A. J. It needs to be remembered.
What this match showed me, though, was what kind of a consummate pro Christopher Daniels is. We’ve all heard great things about him and his work ethic for years. Let’s be honest: if you were a wrestler and you were told that your advertised opponent for a PPV couldn’t make it, and as a consequence you’d have to drop your title belt, how would you feel? Wouldn’t you be sorely tempted to go out there and half-ass it? Most people would. Daniels, though, went out there, bladed to a .5 Muta, and sold everything for Joe like he was being tortured. I’d like to think I was as good a person as that, but I know I’m not. Therefore, I want to give as much credit as possible to the guys who are. Christopher Daniels is a mensch, and that’s one reason why you never hear Word One of complaint about him from the IWC. He’s one of the few universally-loved figures among smarks because he proves, night in and night out, that he subsumes his personal desires for his craft. God loves even the Fallen Angels.
That’s a load and a half
I’m flashing back to college and attempting to do a force vector diagram for this one. My head now hurts.
Daniels going aerial is a thing of beauty and joy
James Storm and Chris Harris versus the ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley, Non-Title Street Fight (ND, clusterf*ck…in a Street Fight?): You’d think that TNA would pull out all the stops to try to attract whatever new audience might be tuning in on Thursday. But this turned into one of the tamest Street Fights in recent memory. The match booking was an especially bad decision given the very similar situation WWE was in last month, when they used a Street Fight as a linch-pin to attract an audience to a debut show. Shane/Michaels verged on Hardcore, which is what a street fight should be. This was just…dull. Maybe it’s because I’m totally confused as to how they’re booking the ex-Dudleys, and for that matter AMW. Yeah, I’m old-school. I like extended angles. But I only like them if they make sense from a dramatic standpoint. This one doesn’t. What was the purpose of this match? It didn’t reach Angle Advancement Match level, and they played with two angles in this one (ex-Dudz/Team Canada and Gail/Jackie). I hate it when my time is wasted.
But at least Tenay used the term “Acid Drop”. Makes me feel vindicated that I never, EVER, called it the “Dudley Dog”.
They finally get to do something
If you didn’t expect this to happen sometime, please, do us a favor and stop watching
Sting over Eric Young (Pinfall, Scorpion Death Drop): I love Eric Young. I think he does a good job in the ring in singles. He’s a great fit for Roode and they make a credible, nay, high-level, tag team. But this is an Angle Advancement Match, and, personally, I stopped giving a shit about Sting a decade ago, even during High Crow. I couldn’t get into this, although I know that some of you were brainwashed into being Sting marks in your youth and you were getting off on this (remember, I am substantially older than most of you, and I didn’t start watching NWA/WCW on a regular basis until I was approaching my 30th birthday). I’ll forgive you for your lapse in judgment. I am a just and merciful god, after all.
Hey, it works for the Boogeyman
So tonight we’re gonna wrestle like it’s 1999
Angle Developments:
Nothing much. Everything was settled in the ring, which is exactly what TNA wanted from this show. They were able to delineate the difference between themselves and WWE quite well. No filler matches, high-profile stuff only. Good job, really.
I think I’ll start demanding “Eric” chants from the rest of the staff here
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Brian Kendrick over Johnny Nitro (Pinfall, Victory Roll): I have no idea why Hepple is going spaz (f*ck Tigger’s apology; I’ll keep using it) over this program. I mean, it’s building up well, it’s way overdue, it’s producing good matches, but it’s not apeshit-worthy. Maybe the explanation lies in the words “twink porn”.
Spank this
Paul Burchill over Rasheed Brown (Pinfall, Cutlass-4): Wallace has been saying that they should book Burchill like they did in England, namely as a monster (in other words, give him Lashley’s push). Maybe this, combined with the whole Regal drag thing, is the start of that kind of push. Being pushed as a monster on the face side would be an interesting perspective. That kind of push is usually reserved for someone at the very top of the food chain, the Hogans and Undertakers of the world. I wonder how well it’d go with a mid-carder. Hopefully to at least the US title level.
Oh, yeah, like this is the first time anyone in Green Bay has seen a man act like a woman. Got your maxi-pads ready for football season, FudgePacker fans?
Paging Dr. Freud…
Matt Hardy over Animal (Pinfall, Twist of Fate): Like I give a shit about anything involved in this.
The Twits of Fate
High-Quality Speaker Boy over Chris Benoit, US Title Steel Cage Match (Escapes): Will miracles never cease? Cole made a solid call of the Triple Germans. This requires a world-level rethink on my part, I believe. As for the match, it was better than the WM match, but that isn’t saying much. That performance was disappointing for both, especially since they had a number of good matches on the circuit before going into Chicago. This one, as I said, was better, but it was still Cage Match 101. Dull and draggy, with nothing really redeeming to bring it up out of the merely average. Better luck next time.
Chris Benoit has no sense of humor. When he tells you he’s pulling your leg, he means he’s pulling your leg.
God bless High-Quality Speaker Boy for selling the intensity part
Jesse and Jake (Shane) over Super Crazy and Psicosis (Pinfall, Jesse, supposedly, pins Super Crazy, flipover DDT): Oh, shit, it’s what I feared: a Gymini match. Goddamnit, I hate identical twins and trying to keep track of them. Put their names on their f*cking trunks or something. And while you’re at it, pity the Mexicools. Wasn’t it just a couple of months ago that we were screaming for them to get the tag titles? Now they’re putting over Epilepsy Fodder.
Disrespecting the Juan Deere is a no-no
Kurt Angle over Randy Orton, King Of The Ring First Round Match (Submission, AngleLock): Bye, Randy. See you in two months. Silly bitch.
We can dream of permanent incapacitation, can’t we?
Angle Developments:
Someone’s Back On His Game: Wait a second…did Booker just cut an effective promo regarding KOTR? Good choice, actually, but considering that he’s pretty damn much the only one in the tournament who can cut a promo, it’s an obvious one. But he sold it well. Hell, not even Paisley could ruin it. And I loved the James Brown touch with the cape. However, that still doesn’t obviate the overriding issue: no black man should wear a cape other than Mistah Brown and Blacula.
What Black People Should Not Wear, Number…oh, wait, I picked Lashley to win it, didn’t I? And better yet, I did it last week, before the run-in during the opening promo.
Overbearing: Anyone else think it’s weird that an American of Iranian ancestry (and, yes, morons, Daivari is American) is pimping someone using imagery from Hindu mythology (albeit something trademarkable)? And what language was Singh trying to speak? I think I caught some words in English there, but the rest of it sounded like Urdu coming from someone on ‘ludes who put marbles in his mouth. Please, no cliched “giant idiots” routine, please.
He’s…big. Yeah. Big.
Okay, and I did it. Clock reads more than an hour before Smackdown, and I’ve got this thing to bed. I’ll have to keep doing this. Until Tuesday, farewell and enjoy your holiday weekend if you’re of the Judeo-Christian persuasion.
