Welcome to AM RAW, the no filler thriller show that cuts out the fat and gives you the meat of Raw (or just anything involving Triple H and Vince McMahon).
The official WWE intro starts off the show. Vince appears in the intro as an announcer, but he should be in there for when he won the WWE World Title from Triple H back in 1999. Wow, it’s like they were preparing us for the future seven years ago!
The official AM RAW intro has Rob Van Dam with an ECW t-shirt on. Beat a dead horse into the ground and then dig it up again so you can do it annually.
Edge starts off the almost live action already in the ring. Mike in hand, he explains that he is finally back where he belongs, meaning he is in the WWE title hunt. Edge toots his own horn, “I was the most watched WWE champion in the last five years!” Good for you Edge. Edge says we don’t have to worry because the champ…is…here. I think he means himself. The crowd boos him for that little comment, though if it was because they don’t like him or because they don’t like Cena’s catchphrases we do not know. However, we are soon enlightened as the Champ is actually here now. The crowd response is mostly cheers with the scattered boos here and there. Man, John must be glad that they are out of Chicago. I bet he wants to hit Ozzie Guillen with a chair after the warm reception he got. Lita is all whored up. Joey Styles says, “The response is deafening!” Surprisingly, I can still here as Cena launches into his diatribe. He says Edge gave him a wonderful intro since the champ is here now. Cena explains that, while Edge came out here to talk, Cena is out here to fight. Edge jumps behind Lita, and then tells Cena that his problem is that Cena actually cares what the crowd thinks. Cena admits that all is not well in the land of the chain gang, but he is glad for this unrest, as it keeps him from getting full of himself, getting an ego problem, and giving himself a pompous nickname like the King of Kings. Hmmm, I wonder who is going to come out next. So the King of Kings himself decides to grace the masses, using his official promo music to boot. Trip has his tights on already, so I guess that means he is going to get a little physical. The H Man gets a mixed reaction as he continues the talkathon. “You don’t wanna be me, right? Don’t worry John; I don’t think there is anybody in the world that will confuse you with me.” Well, I guess if he were to put on a prosthetic nose and gain 50 pounds, Stephanie might get a little confused. The “You Tapped Out” chant starts up, and Trip tells the crowd they were mistaken if someone told them he cares what they think. Such a heel! Boo this man! Trip says that, love him or hate him, everyone respects him. Somehow, I doubt the Ultimate Warrior does. Cena responds by taking off his shirt, either signifying it is fightin’ time or that they need to have a sensual man hug. Edge stops the festivities (he can’t stand the gay stuff) and says it is like déjàvu, what with him being ignored and all. Edge says he destroyed Foley at WrestleMania, which is of course something Triple H did six years ago, but whatever. Foley puts over blondes. Must be something about the flowing hair whipping around all over the ring. Guess that means his opponent at WM 23 is Trish. Oh, and Edge says he was the star of WM 22. Trip does his work/shoot thing, telling Edge, “Are you done now? I got a phone call from the old man. Yeah, Vince McMahon.” Daddy called! Trip finally gets to the point, telling anyone who cares that it will be a two-on-one match, with Cena and Trip taking on Edge. Edge escapes from the ring to the sounds of his theme, leaving Cena and trip in the ring to stare at each other longingly. Trip holds out his hand for a hearty shake, but Cena responds by BITCH SLAPPING the crap out of the Tripster. Cena’s music hits as Trip stands in then ring with a look on his face that screams, “You motorboatin’ son of a bitch!” That was fairly hilarious right there.
It is a little upsetting that they sliced out the part about Foley being a nugget. It made me think that the reason Bret refused to play at WM (besides the whole moral ground thing) is because they were going to give Owen the Eddie Guerrero treatment. Bret declined, so now they disgrace the memory of Owen by taking away his Nugget alias. Vince, you Devil you!
We cut to the back, where Kane is wandering around with someone whispering that something is happening on May 19. I know! He is going back to being Issac Yankem! The voice wants him to fulfill his dental school dreams! Big Show appears and, thankfully, the voices that only Kane and the audience can hear stop. They have some sort of match or something.
Commercial for next week, which once again blows the ending to this show. How thoughtful of USA.
Back in the ring and the Spirit Squad is awaiting their opponents. Evidently the entire Spirit Squad is now tag champs, which is good because I can’t tell them apart anyway. Kane and the Big Show make their way down to the ring, entrance and all. Hopefully this will stop when Kane’s movie tanks. Joey calls them the most dominant tag team ever, forgetting about the greatness that was Billy and Chuck. Big Show starts off with Johnny, going through his usual hand slaps, foot chokes and head butts. Show steps on poor Johnny’s throat as King comments that a man of Show’s girth should be 17 feet tall. Great, now Show’s self-esteem is going to be shot. Show sends Johnny to the corner, quiets the crowd, and slaps Johnny’s bare chest with his massive slug like hand. Kane is tagged in and he gets to toss Johnny around for a bit. Nicky gets tagged in. King destroys the self worth of Kane as well, “How bad would it be to star in a horror movie without any make up?” Geez, did these guys slip King’s wife a roofie or something? Johnny hops up on the top rope but is caught by the Big Red Movie Star. Nicky hits a dropkick to the pair, leading to a one count for the champs. Johnny gets overhead tossed to the mat by Kane, who then tags Show in. Show hits his big head butts and then steps on Johnny in the corner. He jaws with the rest of the Squad, telling that he has dated bigger women than them. Must be a Nicole Bass fan. Coach points out that this gives King and the Big Show something in common, except, “The only difference is the ones he dated were older.” See King, that is what you get for being so rude to the big guys. Serves you right. The King must have hit on Coach’s daughter or something. Show Gorilla Press Slams Johnny into the rest of the Squad on the outside, taking us to the break.
Back to the show and the Squad has magically taken control of the match, giving Kane the old Wishbone, which gets a two count. Nicky gives Kane some forearms to the back, and then tags in Johnny to get a double suplex on the Red One. Kane sits up and has that crazy look in his eyes. The Spirit Squad tries the double team, clotheslining Kane over the top rope. Kane proceeds to beat on everyone outside the ring, including some poor production guy that was just minding his own business. He starts to throw chairs in the ring, which just pisses off the ref to no end, so he calls for the bell. Kane is back in the ring and choke slams both Johnny and Nicky, then does the same to the ref to boot. Show finally waddles into the ring, asking Kane if he is ok. Show yells, “It’s me. It’s me!” It’s DDP? A shoving match between the two starts, leading Show to yell, “You don’t push me!” So instead of pushing Kane grabs Show’s throat, which leads Big Show to do the same to Kane, which leads to an eye gouge from Kane, which leads to the originally planned choke slam. Man, I SURE DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THAT EVIL! I HOPE NOTHING EVIL HAPPENS ON MAY 19!
That match was just horrible. That must have been the worst thing I have seen on this show not involving Masters.
We get a promo for the main event and this time Trip looks a whole lot bigger than Cena in the graphics. Establish a pecking order!
Commercial for genital herpes medication. The water in the commercial washes away the dirtiness of their genitals. To avoid spreading it, couldn’t they just not have sex?
The show returns and it appears that Vince and Shane are in a church. Vince states, “I’ve never been in a place like this before.” Surprisingly, Vince does not melt or burn upon entering. Vince asks Shane to check them in and hands him a credit card. Shane says they only take cash, which just pisses Vince off to no end. I think Scientology is the only religion that takes plastic. The scene cuts to Vince and Shane in the front of the church, where Vince is addressing God. Vince explains that they have a lot in common. God created the world; Vince created World Wrestling Entertainment. Didn’t Vince’s dad actually create the company originally? God created Adam and Eve; Vince created Stone Cold and Hulk Hogan. That is not a pretty comparison, especially if you put Austin and Hulk in the Garden of Eden together. Just nasty. Vince says he has a stronger work ethic than God because God rested on the seventh day and Vince doesn’t believe in a day off. The talent can certainly attest to that. God cast down the Devil; Vince cast down Ted Turner and WCW. Does Ted ever see this and decide to have a hit taken out on Vince? God had disciples; Vince has a disciple in Shane. Vince then reads his commandments to God, which consist of Vince being the only boss with no other boss before him, no piss tossing into his face, no “Suck It” chants, no shoving his disciple’s face up Vince’s rectal cavity, and no using trash cans on him. Well, those all seem reasonable. Vince is going to unleash Armageddon on Shawn Michaels at Backlash and, if he is lying, he asks to be struck down by God, right where he stands. Shane, hedging his bets, backs away from his dad. No striking occurs, so Vince bellows, “Blessed be the name of Vincent…Kennedy…McMahon!” We even get the thunder sound for effect.
WTF was that? I saw Mae Young give birth to a hand, yet I am not sure what the heck that was? Did Shawn know they were going to do this?
So Vince is better than God. That’s all well and good. How does he stack up against other deities?
Vince is better than Buddha because Buddha is fat and would never be on the cover of Muscle & Fitness at the age of 60.
Vince is better than Ra, the Sun God, because even Ra couldn’t get a tan as deep as Vince has got, no matter how many tanning salon employee’s he fondled.
Finally, Vince is better than L. Ron Hubbard because Tom Cruise never vouched for Vince on national television.
There you go. Just a sample of the reasons Vince rocks any and all deities you can think of.
Back from the land of advertising and we catch the tail end of Mickie’s intro. She is facing Maria tonight, which means we are all in for a five star classic that is sure to go at least 20 minutes. Mickie does the usual “I know how to wrestle and you don’t” routine. Mickie tosses Maria off the ropes and goes for a knee to the gut, but Maria awkwardly rolls through and tries for a horrific pin attempt. Mickie then stomps on Maria a lot, body slams her, then goes to the ropes and misses whatever she was trying to hit when Maria moves outs of the way. Maria tries for a clothesline but misses. Mickie puts Maria up on her shoulders, but she is able to get down and try an ugly sunset flip, but eats Mickie fist for her troubles. Spinning back kick by Mickie, who then ends this fiasco with the “Mick Kick.” Thanks to Mr. Styles for the new move name, obvious though it may be. So Mickie gets the win. The point of this whole segment comes to fruition as Trish comes running down to the ring with brunette hair and dressed just like Mickie used to dress until se took over Trish’s wardrobe. Trish does a decent Mickie imitation and gives the Women’s Champ a hard kiss on the lips. The best part of all of this was Mickie’s reaction, as it looked like she stood their speechless the entire time, with wide eyes and slack jaw. The match itself was crap on a crap cracker, but at least all the girls are cute and these new developments will surely lead to more hilarity.
Commercial for those pesky house shows. They are all over on the other side of the Atlantic in the old country, so why do we get a commercial for them?
Nashville Star is next. To perform, they need to survive. Fight to the death you country yokels! Kill Kill Kill!
Edge starts off the final segment with his intro, accompanied by Slutzilla. Owww, Cena and Triple H are already in the ring. Edge is Big Time! He is the most important man in the WWE! Edge cautiously walks up to the ring, then hops on in for the festivities. Cena and Edge start off, though Joey says Trip and Cena don’t have to tag. Guess Trip doesn’t feel like working. It is hard you know. Edge starts by kicking and kneeing Cena to the ground. Oh, it is a tag match. That explains that. In the corner, Edge hits Cena with a couple of forearms. The quick cover on Cena gets two. Edge puts the boots to the champ, but Cena reverses and hits the belly to belly suplex, sending Edge to the outside. Cena follows and Edge uses Lita as a shield to get a cheap shot in on the rap master. Back in the ring and Edge almost gets a two count. You can’t keep John Cena down! He kills all the punk bitches with long blonde hair! Edge bounces out of the corner and Cena hits him with a cradle suplex for two. Why can’t they just call it a fishermen’s suplex? Coach says Edge should never have been thrown out of the title picture to begin with, which I am sure will lead to Trip bullying the Coach around in the back until he admits that Trip puts butts in the seats and Edge is just a little bitch that wants to go have sex with Christian over in TNA. Not that he’s insecure or anything. Trip makes the blind tag to Cena and starts hammering Edge down into the corner. Lita is up on the apron, distracting Trip with her boobies, which trip actually asks to see before Edge sneak attacks from behind. Well, Stephanie is going to have Lita fired now, just like she did to Christy Hemme. Trip is now on the outside and Edge hits him with a baseball slide. Both on the outside and Trip bounces Edge’s head off the announce table. Son-in-law goes to throw Edge into the steel steps, but Edge reverses and Trip eats it instead. Back in the ring and Edge gets a two count. Cena sticks his hand out, hoping to be tagged in to unleash his vast array of offensive weapons. Edge pounds on Trip, punching him to the ground. Edge goes to send Trip off the ropes, but Mr. H reverses, sending Edge off the ropes. This, in the end, doesn’t go well for Trip, as he eats one of Edge’s many finishers. This one looked like the backcracker without the knees to the back. Triple His in the corner now and Edge is on the second rope pounding away. Everyone knows that this is going to lead to anatomic drop by Trip, which is exactly how it goes. The two then trade punches until Trip gouges Edge’s eye. Trip bounces of the ropes but eats a kick to the stomach and a DDT. Isn’t that another one of Edge’s finishers? Edge sets up for the spear, but H moves out of the way and hits the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER! We get a slow crawl to the corner by Trip, which normally heightens suspense when the other guy, you know, actually has a partner. Cena gets tagged in and goes for the FU on Edge, but Trip is right back in to steal Cena’s thunder and hits the Pedigree on poor Edge. Cena doesn’t take kindly to this insult, so he hits Trip with an FU. Then, Cena slaps the STFU on Edge until he taps out. After that, Cena took off his glasses, put on his cape, and saved the world from General Zod. What a good guy.
So the show ends with Cena victorious over his fallen contenders, which, coupled with last week’s events, means next week Edge is going to hit the spear on both Cena and Trip while Lita defecates on them. Should be a blast!
That’s it for AM RAW. You never know, next week they might actually talk about the IC title or something. Oh, you and I both know that’s not true.
