Hello, one and all, and welcome to the live WWE Raw recap here at Inside Pulse! I’m Steve Price, filling in for Tommy P. tonight (because we all know how generous of a guy I can be), so if you have a problem with bad jokes or commentary from a non-wrestling writer”¦ too damn bad. We’re closing out Law and Order: SVU right now, and the Raw teaser previews the shenanigans forthcoming involving Edge, Triple H and John Cena.
– We’re emanating live from St. Louis, Missouri, and around the viewing world on the USA Network. And here on Inside Pulse, of course. Insert “The Power is Back” message, opening video, pyro and Raw theme here. Styles, Lawler, and the Coach are on commentary as always.
And we start things off with the Chairman himself, Vince McMahon. I smell some sort of Easter-related crack forthcoming. Close – McMahon wants to know if he’s going to Hell. For giving us the XFL, maybe. McMahon says that he’s here to “set the record straight”. He in fact, will not go to Hell, since he was there this morning. East St. Louis, to be exact. McMahon continues using the religious backdrop through the interview, introducing his own “personal” religion to the crowd – McMahon-ism. McMahon: “I am the Lord, Master and God of All Sports Entertainment!” He somehow connects his promo with the Sistine Chapel roof (“Adam got the apple, I got the grapefruit!”) and the Ten Commandments, then magically shows up at the Last Supper. It appears that he’s branching out in his religious jokes now as well, as not even Buddha gets a break. McMahon offers the fans to join him in McMahon-ism and convert from those useless religions, like Christianity and stuff. McMahon promises to make Michaels worship at his feet, and challenges the Almighty to strike him down if he’s lying. The fans begin to cheer, as Shawn Michaels super kicks him to the ground. Shawn Michaels doesn’t need McMahon-ism, because he has JESUS. HBK poses a bit, as it seems to take the production crew a bit to get rolling. Oh, Michaels returns to the ring for a DX Crotch chop as we head to break.
– During the break, we see Rob Conway enter the ring on WWE.com Unlimited. Aren’t you glad you’re keeping up with Unlimited for breaking developments like that?
We return from the break, as referees help Vince McMahon backstage. Triple H shows up, and some in-family squabbling takes place. McMahon keeps the handicap match streak going, announcing Edge and Cena vs. Triple H for later tonight. Score!
We break from the exciting McMahon family saga to catch Rob Conway in the ring, moaning about being disrespected. According to Conway, the next person that disrespects him will be dealt with. And judging by the fire, it looks like Kane is first in line. We’re underway with our first match of the evening, and Conway tries to start quickly, but a clothesline decapitates Conway. Looks like Kane is slightly pissed this evening, dropping those soupbone rights (BY GAWD). A chokeslam later and Conway is jiggling on the mat. Kane picks up the win. After the match, Kane goes after poor Lillian Garcia for whatever reason, but Big Show’s music interrupts the proceedings. Well, not really, since Kane just threw her to the floor anyways. Kane and Big Show have a heart to heart in the ring, and a choking match ensues. Show wins this week, though, and gets his heat back from last week by Chokeslamming Kane. Kane does the zombie sit-up for added effect.
We get a Backlash promo as we head to break. Any wagers on how badly that show will tank?
During Unlimited, we get a trailer for Kane’s new horror movie. Fun! We return from break with Chavo, who is preparing for his interview with Jim Ross. We review the Benjamin/Chavo IC Title match that led to Chavo quitting, this after dedicating the match to Eddie. To all that bemoan the fact that these storylines are degrading the memory of Eddie, I ask this: did you expect anything less from the E?
We streamline directly into the interview between Chavo and JR now. Chavo says that he has had a chance to reconsider his decision, but he says that he made a promise to the fans, his family, and Eddie that he just didn’t fulfill. He feels his loss sums everything up about his failure. Jim Ross gets on Chavo a bit for quitting, which almost signals a Chavo heel turn forthcoming it seems. Chavo continues the depressed act, going on about being a Real Estate broker. Jim Ross continues to try and talk some sense into Chavo, but he’ll have none of it. He thinks that his wrestling career has come to an end. Chavo is in tears as we go to commercial break. I guess Chavo will get to play the sympathetic return card in a few weeks. Either that, or he’s being released. Either way, if they insist on running these Eddie storylines, at least Chavo is getting some exposure.
On Unlimited during the break, we get the Kiss Cam. Thankfully, my feed is streaky at best, so I get to ignore it.
Our slam of the week is the Money in the Bank match from WrestleMania 22.
We come back from commercial with some traumatic news – Lillian Garcia has been “traumatized”, so Coach takes over the announcing duties. Hey, he’s off commentary! Score! Wait, no he’s not”¦ Damnit! Shelton Benjamin hits the ring for his match against RVD’s pick of an opponent. And that opponent is apparently Charlie Haas (!). Either him, or Ryan Reynolds, you decide. Haas gets the return pop from the St. Louis crowd, and Benjamin hits the floor for a breather. Haas chops away on the floor as the count is on. Benjamin is back in first and catches Haas coming in. Now Benjamin goes on the attack, laying into his former tag partner with some knees and a clothesline. I miss the World’s Greatest Tag Team. I miss good tag teams, period, but I digress. Benjamin lays some knees into Haas, as Styles reiterates the stips for this match – if Benjamin wins, Money in the Bank is on the line at Backlash. If Haas wins, RVD gets an IC Title match at Backlash. Haas gets to eat steel stairs for his trouble, earning a replay. Benjamin brings Haas back into the ring with a snap mare and hit’s the chinlock. Haas fights out, but Benjamin maintains control of the match. Haas fights back with a back drop / suplex style move, and both men are out. Some stiff shots from Haas follow, and he’s a House of Fire, Cletus! The missed telegraphed dropkick of utter destruction misses for Haas, however. Belly to Back Suplex lays out Haas, and Benjamin draws heel heat! Roll – Ing – Thunder gets a good reaction from Styles, as always. Benjamin nails the blinger splash and plays it cocky. Up to the top for a pseudo-senton splash, but Charlie Haas rolls out of the way, and rolls up Benjamin for the pin fall! With RVD’s title shot secure for One Night Stand, that was probably the smartest result. Great to see Haas back, though.
As we hit the break, we get a preview for tonight’s main event again, Cena and Edge versus Triple H. Oh, and pictures of the Divas in New York. Doing New York, of course.
We completely skip over the WWE.com Unlimited stuff with the signs, since my feed is too choppy to watch. We return to the USA Network with a replay of the Haas/Benjamin ending. Oh, and to make my night complete, we get the Unlimited Kiss Cam garbage that I managed to avoid. Unfortunately, the women weren’t hot enough to make up for the gay cow love. Perfect”¦
That Wacky Armando Alejandro Estrada donates his main man Umaga (sp?) to Vince McMahon to use in a match against Shawn Michaels, thus helping us re-enact the classic Biblical tale of Jesus versus the Samoan mongrel”¦ or something. Benjamin arrives to boost the workrate presence in the segment, but immediately “¦ um, uh”¦ was Vince what I thought”¦ um, yeah. Wow, that’s uh”¦ yeah. We return to the ring as Umaga hits the ring, in what can only be described as a merciful diversion from the Benjy-McMahon love fest. Quick, we need Trish and Mickie to balance out the gay factor here, PRONTO. Oh, and we’re back to Unlimited during the break. Estrada and Umaga say things, the crowd boos, we go to commerical.
I confer with IP regulars as we return from commercial. In the shock of the century, Umaga is still in the ring. We review the McMahon/Michaels stuff from earlier, and here’s that bible thumpin’, crotch chopping Apostle of JESUS himself, Shawn Michaels. We’ve crossed into the 10:00 PM hour, so now, WOOO, we go to school. Michaels starts with some chops, as Umaga starts wrestling as if he were that Antonio Banderas guy on Punch Out. A slam and a dump to the outside later, and Umaga suddenly becomes Tyson. McMahon does a slow walk to ringside, as Umaga nails Michaels so hard, he flies onto the commentator’s table. McMahon takes a chair and walks to the hard side of the arena, as Umaga continues to beat down on HBK. A hiptoss into the ring brings Michaels back to the squared circle, and a head butt follows. This match is so slow and plodding, it’s like Umaga is channeling the energy of Afa and Sika out there. That’s what we call a joke for the old timers. Umaga charges Michaels in the corner and eats boot. Michaels lays in the chops, but Umaga counters with some tosses into the corner. The ass into the face ram rod maneuver misses, thank God, and it takes two kip ups, but Umaga finally goes down. The HBK Elbow hits, and the band tunes up. Wait, here’s Estrada to interfere, and somehow Michaels ends up in the Tree of Woe. Umaga lays in the beating and gets himself DQ’ed in the process. And in a moment that would make Ernie Ladd giddy, Umaga used a taped up thumb to incapacitate Michaels. McMahon kicks the dipshit duo get kicked out of the ring as McMahon ties up Michaels in the ropes. After seeing the Benjamin segment, I get worried. Not to fear, as the Good Lord Almighty shows up for a pyrotechnics display! God apparently works in fire and sparklers now. McMahon can’t get at the protected Michaels, so he leaves, but not before he gets blown up by another explosion! And we go to break”¦
And we’re back from break! We get a full review of God’s awesome powers, and then we cut to McMahon’s limousine (with stained glass window) as it speeds out of St. Louis. Foolish mortal, God can get you anywhere. Anyways, we get This Week in History, with today’s topic covering the Rock/Austin wars back in 1999. Back when wrestling didn’t suck”¦ well, the wrestling sucked, but Raw didn’t suck”¦ back to the ring, and Matt Striker has moved up in the world since the last time I saw him! Now his props get to be in the ring! STRIKER RULES! As per the WWE Heel Bible, the requisite cheap heat on St. Louis follows. According to Striker, we shouldn’t care about Nelly (“or whoever they are”) and study NIXON instead. To threaten us, he says he’ll give us an F! Dear God, man, you’re trying to kill us! Carlito hits the ring for some tomfoolery, and if you can’t see the “Teacher and the Apple” joke coming, you have no business reading this review. Carlito expresses what’s really important for today’s youth: being cool. Carlito accuses Striker of being uncool, which is ludicrous. I mean, he wants to teach NIXON. Carlito relates the tragic story of how he got expelled from spitting his apples. Tear. Carlito then makes the day of all tenth graders by turning the word analogy into a pseudo anal joke. And then the apple in the face to Striker. However, the Metrosexual Man, Chris Masters interrupts, thus robbing me of my chance to get off a “How do you like THEM apples?” joke.
We preview the Cena/Edge/Triple H match again, and take care of the upcoming schedule. I guess the “E” plans to deal with Cena’s negative heat by not letting him show up until the main event. We go to commercial.
We skip over the Unlimited stuff again due to some technical difficulties. Back from break now, as RVD has arrived (with a tricked out MitB case to boot). If RVD loses, Money in the Bank is also on the line at Backlash, so count on a Spirit Squad win. It’s apparently five on one as the Squad gets taken out. RVD can’t hold out for long though, and the Spirit Squad use some tandem offense to get the pinfall. That modified Demolition Decapitation move is pretty tight, actually. One wonders what Benjamin had to do to get this match”¦ (shudder)”¦
And the show is redeemed, as a brunette Trish Stratus shows up to make life fun. She touches Maria on the nose, and we get another Backlash commercial, this one featuring the Michaels/McMahon feud. We need more Trish, damnit!
(Addendum: Eric Szulczewski brought this point up in his post-WrestleMania 22 column, but I think it bares mentioning again. The Mickie/Trish angle is probably my favorite going right now (gentlemen, prepare your “strong” hand now), but the WWE kind of misplayed the bounce a bit. What might have been more proper would have been for Mickie not to snap and attack Trish, but to rather confess her love for Trish and do the Chavo walk out thing after the fact. Then, we have the big reconciliation, with the crotch grab and all! Mmm”¦ brunette Trish”¦ Mmm”¦)
We take a five minute leave of absence for personal reasons, then return to see Mickish Jatus”¦ TrishMick in the ring with a giant box. If this were my promotion, I would have Trish’s fan backfire, and have Mickie think that Trish is really in love for her. Oh well, that’s neither here nor there. Trish has the production crew raise the box, revealing”¦ her ex-boyfriend Jack”¦ well, Hell, that sucks. Jack draws some face heat for a well placed “You bitches are crazy!” line. Trish decides to re-enact the Ashley Kidnapping angle with Jack, and one guess as to which version *I* liked better. Trish is acting like a Heel here; all Mickie wanted was her love. Trish tells Mickie to stop acting like her, and Mickie goes after her. We have a mini-catfight, not called by Joey, which ends with a Trish spine buster on Jack. Mickie consoles Jack, then nails him with a shot that would drop Harvey Whippleman. Something tells me that this angle has reached its peak.
Elsewhere, Edge and Triple H hook up, jawing about the forthcoming Handicap Match. Triple H, the Cerebral Assassin, becomes a shit distributor as half the viewing audience stares at Lita’s cleavage. I post this section of the report as we hit the break.
I gave up on WWE.com Unlimited – my PC is just too slow to handle the awesome power of WWE.com! We’re back, as we replay the UNSPEAKABLE tragedy that befell our poor Lillian Garcia, along with the Kane/Big Show angle. My PC clock shows 10:51 PM, so I’m hoping that we’re almost home with this one. Nope, not quite, as we get another special preview of See No Evil. Kane stars as Jacob Goodnight”¦ sounds like one of those James Bond names, like Pussy Galore and Holly Goodhead, doesn’t it? We get a listen to the crappy Backlash theme and run through the matches:
Big Show vs. Kane
Vince and Shane McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels & God
Carlito vs. Chris Masters
“IC Title vs. Money in the Bank” – Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam
Women’s Championship – Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus
Triple Threat WWE Championship – Edge vs. Triple H vs. John Cena
And we put the commercial break on hold, as we arrive at the Main”¦ EVENT! Edge’s music hits, as the lovely couple hit the ring. And we get in one last commercial break.
Just in case this isn’t completely clear, I’m expecting John Cena’s ovation to be uglier than Divine in Pink Flamingos. I’m just saying”¦ Edge and Lita are in the ring, and the familiar Motorhead track blasts across the PA. He’s the King of Kings, the Game, the Cerebral Assassin, the Deadliest Precision Spitter in the history of modern Civilization himself, Triple – By GOD – H. Styles and Company continue to harp on last week’s handicap match. It’s so painfully obvious that the WWE are going to push John Cena no matter how bad the backlash grows. Speaking of Backlash, we again review the main event triple threat match. And the Chump is Here! Cena got less of a negative reaction upon his entrance, thus proving that St. Louis will do anything to be different from Chicago (there ya go Eric). See, this is why I hate Cena – he does stupid stuff like ruin teasers and stuff. Cena and Triple H start out, with Cena getting a quick suplex and a two count. Cena dominates early, but Triple H comes back with a shot to the face to turn the tide. Edge is doing the Rick Martel pissed off tag partner pose in the corner. The DX Chop and Harley Race Knee gets two, as the Cena fan boys seem to outnumber the Cena haters. Cena uses some clotheslines to counter and a slam to reverse the tide, but the Five Knuckle Shuffle is countered by Triple H. Edge tags himself in”¦ and tosses Cena. Brilliant! Edge and Trip go at it, highlighted by a Triple H neck breaker for two. Triple H uses the knee and a face crusher to keep up the assault, but John Cena attacks Edge. Now Triple H goes for the pedigree, but that’s reversed to the FU, which turns somehow into a referee bump. Triple H goes out for his trusty sledgehammer (available at a Home Depot near you!) and wipes out Cena. But Edge nails the spear on Triple H, and gets the bloody pin! The atmosphere for this bad boy was something that resembled a pre-Royal Rumble John Cena match, as the kids and the teenage girls outnumbered the Cena haters. That doesn’t change the fact that X-Pac could draw face heat off the guy in any other city. Edge and Lita flaunt at the top of the ramp as we go off the air. And as we watch a sneak peek of Silent Hill, a movie that shall suck worse than this episode of Raw did, I think we’ll call it a night. Until next week, you’ve been reading Raw as it happened here at the Pulse.
Now go get drunk.
