I KEEP SEETHING
D X
D X
D X
ARE YOU READY????
FOR THE
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Ok – so due to a foul-up, we started the show fifteen minutes in. Here are the speedy bits that you missed.
* – McMahon is not going to hell
* – McMahon is already there in St. Louis
* – He’s starting his own religion
* – The religion of McMahonism
“Also known as steroidism” – Chris
* – He is making new commandments
* – Shawn superkicks him.
* – Shawn runs back in the ring to give him a suck it.
* – In the back – Trips has to face Edge & Cena
WE ARE ON DX ALERT CODE BLUE
COMMERCIAL
Rob Conway is NOBODY’s punching bag…
“Actually Rob Conway is EVERYONE’s punching bag…” – Me
So here we go who is it?
“Big Show.. Kane…” – Eric
Yep – BOOM – Kane.
KANE vs. ROB CONWAY
yep.. rob conway punching bag
Kane grabs Conway – hits the ropes – kicks Kane. Elbows Kane. Gets hit by Kane.
Throws Conway into the corner. Boots Kane.
Picks up Conway. Chokeslams. Wins. Wheeeee
Two minute match.
WINNER: KANE
Kane grabs Lillian Garcia – because she announced May 19th… she is going to get it through a table, but he holds JUSSST in time for Big Show’s music to hit.
“Hey look, Kane’s getting a fingerful!” – Me
They talk it out for a bit.
“Look, it’s not you.. it’s me..” – Me
Show says ‘May 19th’ and Kane goes for the throat. Then Show goes for the throat.
They have a fight.
The Big Show wins.
Particle Man.
COMMERCIAL
So now two weeks ago was Chavo’s Wrestlemania… and he lost.
We all grunt in disgust as we wait for the interview segment.
So now the interview which I’ll see if I can give you highlights of.
“WWE is sinking to a new low” – Chris
“I think they have a research team about actually finding new lows” – Bill
So Chavo states that he might have done it too hastily.
This is all, as we should know, is a way to give Chavo a big push.. champ at WM23.
What would Eddie think of Chavo quitting?
“What would the founding father’s think?” – Bill
…maybe he can be a real estate broker or something…
“..kerwin white…” – Me
So he is leaving the wrestling business..
“Cue the Creed video package” – Me
COMMERCIAL – 9:32 – One Match That Sucked
We do learn that during the commercial break it’s fun if when you say May 19th, we all scream like it’s Peewee’s Secret Word.
Subway Slam Of The Week?
“Yeah – WWE sucks right now..” – Chris
Coach decides he’s going to be proactive. He gets in the ring to announce.
So if Shelton wins this match – he fights RVD at Backlash for the Money In The Bank bit. If Shelton loses the match – he fights RVD at Backlash for the Intercontinental Title. RVD has gotten to choose Shelty’s opponent though.
CHARLIE HAAS!!!!!
CHARLIE HAAS vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
The World’s Greatest Tag Team Match
Charlie runs in – belly to back – clothesline and slams Shelty to the corner. Beautiful armdrag and another! Belly to back and Shelton lands on his feet – as he’s about to ask Haas what he’s doing – he eats one of those PICTURE PERFECT dropkicks.
Clotheslined over the top rope!
“And he sits out there for the count of ten” – Bill
Charlie heads outside and head to the apron. Big Slappy Chops on the outside and he rolls in Benjy. Shoulderblocks and a sunset flip but Shelton moves. Ouch.
Now Shelton gets them evil eyes and now he goes in after Charlie. Knee to his gut. Tosses Haas to the ropes and a clothesline from SB. Chokes Haas against the second rope – and knees driven into his back. More choking.
Shelt slides out and punches him to the head – brings him outside and throws him into the stairs and rolls in. Rolls out and now Shelton continues to beat him on the outside. Slams him to the mat and tosses him back into the ring. Chinlock from Shelton.
Tosses Haas to the corner – then a big boot – caught – Haas ducks the dragon whip and back body drops him hard. Now they start to exchange fists, Haas back body drops Shelton, a couple of clotheslines – and a big dropkick is missed as Shelton holds onto the ropes.
Shelty hits him with a belly to back. Then hits the rolling thunder and the RVD taunt. A slap to the face… no really a slap to the face followed by a Shelton splash and a big spinny kick. Now Shelt goes for the five star – annnnddddd – MISSES IT, but rolled out of it.
Then Charlie grabs Shelton and hits with the possum pin! The backbridge gets three!
WINNER: CHARLIE HAAS
“That’s what he got when he stored all those finishers” – Chris
“Heh, and Haas is NEVER that good in the game” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – 9:47 – Thank God for Charlie Haas
During the commercial – Maria was there!?!? DAMN YOU COMMERCIALS!
And they did the kiss cam.
“I want a Maria Fuck Cam” – Chris
“They are going to show Kevin Nash and Scott Hall” – Me
In the back, it’s Vince with an ice pack.
It’s Armando Alejandro Estrada… he has converted to McMahonism. He wants to make a donation to McMahonism for the services of Umaga. Umaga versus Shawn Michaels tonight.
“He ends every song with a ‘HaHaa'” – Eric
“That’s because he’s Clutch” – Me
Shelton runs in and stumbles over his lines. He begs for Vince to help him, and converts to McMahonism…
Vince then says he likes people on his knees before him. Uncomfortable pause.
So here comes Umaga.
UMAGA vs. SHAWN MICHAELS
I still don’t care…
“And now the Headshrinker stupid…” – Me
“From the Polynesian Island of Lame-ocita” – Chris
“I LOVE that island” – Dani
“I hope he uses that nerve pinch… it’s devistating” – Chris
“It puts the audience to sleep” – Bill
COMMERCIAL – 10:00
On the replay – we see Shawn’s ‘suck it’ again …. just sayin
Bell rings. Now let’s watch Shawn make Jamal look like gold.
Chop shots to start – the a clothesline to drop Shawn. Bodyslam drops Shawn. Then a firm kick to Shawn’s chest drops him over the top rope.
Hey Vince is coming down.
Chop sends Shawn over the announcers table. Vince gets a chair to sit in. Finally Jama…. Unagi goes out to beat on Shawn some more. Then back in the ring…. Shawn gets thrown by Motaro… Headbutt from Oompaloompa… Kneedrop from Intellivision… oh now Shawn blocks some hits from Uvula… but ends up getting punched and falling and then a falling headbutt from Nuala.
The big one sends Shawn to the corner but eats a foot – and now chops of Shawn’s own. Tries to irish whip him, but gets THROWN by Mufasa and then is getting charged for the butt bounce – runs in – two shoulderblocks finally drop Akeem! We get two nipups for that. Then a flying elbow. Now it’s time to tune up the choir and Vince to screw him.
J E S U – and Alejandro and Vince grab his legs and Aoooga THROWS him into the corner and Shawn tree of woe’s himself – fantastic. The Viking headbutts Vince – the ref tries to stop him and then he throws the ref for the DQ.
Now Hakuna Matata hits the new STRIKING nerve pinch and Vince announces he’s going to finish Shawn off…. he comes in and wraps his arms in the ropes.
“He crucified him!” – Bill
Vince goes and gets the chair and as he’s running in lightning strikes the turnbuckles…. a wrestlecrap moment is born. God has intervened on Shawn’s behalf. Wrestlecrap lives on.
COMMERCIAL
In the back – Vince is driving away…
THis week in Wrestling History – April 19th, 1999 – The Rock threw a funeral for Stone Cold after he threw him over a bridge the week before.
Yet Stone Cold crushed Rock’s limo.. and headed on in.
Hey in the ring… Striker
“Ted Striker?” – Me
Striker is a teacher. We get it. He rants for awhile. We don’t listen as Hernandez and Jenna show up.
He is finally interrupted by Carlito.
“..i get it because you put an apple on a teachers desk… and…whatever” Hernandez
He looks sleepy.
So Carlito doesn’t have an apple, and that’s because Striker stole it for his desk. Carlito thought it was more important to be cool, and his teachers didn’t get it because they were stupid. He ended up in detention. That wasn’t cool. We then get the backstory on why Carlito carries an apple…. kinda funny actually.
Striker warns him to not. Carlito makes fun of Striker then hits him with some apple in the face. Now the beatdown begins from Carlito, and Masters runs in and heffs in the Masterlock.
Only thing good about this bit – Carlito.
COMMERCIAL
As he comes in – RVD has airbrushed the case. Amusing.
It’s time though for THE SPIRIT SQUAD!
RVD vs. THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!
RVD goes in and throws every member of the SS out. Gets his foot caught by one then ducks a double clothesline from two to do a flying leap off the top rope to hit two others.
Then uses the trampopoline to get into the ring – and now the five SS join in and just beat him down. They do the Alleyoop – They all pick up RVD and Kenny hits his big legdrop!
WINNER: SPIRIT SQUAD
That’s what McMahonism gets ya!
In the back it’s Maria who doesn’t know who she’s talking to…. it could be Mickey James.. it could be Trish Stratus… it’s actually Trish Stratus, looking cute as a brunette.
Coming next.
COMMERCIAL
In the ring – it’s a box! Running down to the ring is Trish Stratus! The jokes here are way to obvious.
“It’s going to be Ashley tied up again” – Bill
So she announces a rematch for the title at Backlash – and here comes Mickey James, looking hot as a blonde. What a wonderful Bizarro world we live in.
Mickey says she doesn’t want Trish’s box… and Trish plays it so over the top it’s fantastic. It’s Trish’s ex-boyfriend Jack!? THIS IS FRICKING FANTASTIC!
“I got you a Jack In The Box” – Trish
“And I totally Jacked Him Off In The Box earlier!” – Me
“..you did?” – Hernandez
“Shut up.” – Me
So this whole bit of crazy bitches goes on for a while. And if Mickey REALLY is Trish than she should be upset that Jack’s in the chair… so all of a sudden Mickey goes AFTER Trish because Jack’s tied up. It’s all sortsa crazy bitch fantastic.
Then Mickey hits him for cheating on her….
In the back Edge and Trips discuss how Cena stabbed Trips in the back.. it will happen again.. won’t it?
COMMERCIAL
More previews for Kane’s film, “See No Movie”
“Starring with Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder” – Hernandez
“..FUZZY WUZZY WUZ A WOMAN!?” – Me
Hey We Think We Know Him!!!!! METALLINGUSSSSSS!
Edge is here
“GET RID OF LITA!” – Chris
“Or get her in the ring again” – Hernandez
“Her hair looks cute tonight” – Me
“Who cares!?” – Chris
“..just sayin..” – Me
COMMERCIAL
Here comes Hunter!
“He’s got TWO theme musics now?!” – Dani
“Because he’s the King of Kings!!!” – Bill
“Cena’s coming out Warrior-style” – Hernandez
So Trips starts in the ring with Cena – Hunter throws Cena – then Cena throws Hunter – nice hook suplex for two from Cena – a rollover headlock and a pause as Hunter throws Cena to the ropes, but a bodycheck drops Cena – but then the kneelift from Hunter.
Then a DX Chop and a kneedrop again for two.
WE ARE ON DX CODE ORANGE
Cena gets up and gets the spinning slam on Hunter (I blinked missed how he took over) He goes for the five knuckle shuffle – waits and Hunter stands up and gets the spinebuster! Cena crawls to the corner… and Edge tags himself in. Throws Cena out of the ring and turns around to meet Hunter eye to eye.
Fist to fist – boot from Hunter – then Spinebuster from Trips – Clothesline – Neckbreaker. Solid wrestling from Trips and a two count.
High knee facebuster from Hunter and Trips hits the ropes again and eats a dropkick from Edge. Cena CHARGES in and slams down Edge! He turns eats the kick wham pedigree and then throws him into the ref…..
In comes Hunter with the sledgehammer. Edge is almost to his feet, Cena is almost to his feet.. and he runs in and gets the sledgehammer to his head. Trips turns and gets SPEARED!
WINNER: EDGE
Recognize this: Edge just beat Trips clean from a spear.
“He put more superstar points into it” – Eric
“He found a patch on the internet” – Jenna
So what did the Rabble think?
Bill – “Awesome in a stupid awful gimmicky kind of way”
Chris – “It started off terrible, ended up not so terrible”
Hernandez – “He shrugs”
Eric – “Since the price of admission is free – it wasn’t worth the price”
Jenna – “Don’t care, not paying attention”
There we go. Thanks for reading all! Now it’s time for our favorite at the end feature::::::
Got home late from Doctor’s appointments today and Raw was pre-empted so it
was 7:30PM PST and I arrived in time to see Vince running from the
Babylonian Pyrotechnics. My theory stands. Brian Warner is officially on the Booking team.
Matt Striker. WWE’s current dead-horse example of Creative’s lack of
imagination. Nothing against Striker because he’s doing EXCELLENTLY with
what they’re giving him, but this is a man who does some of the funniest
wrestler impressions I’ve ever seen, and did THE best Indy promos, EVER, and because he was legitimately a Teacher before WWE, what does Creative do?
Same thing that made Shane Douglas despise them. “He was a teacher right?
Okay, brainstorm here guys! Let’s make him…. wait for it…. An EVIL
Teacher! Yeah! High Five! Let’s give ourselves a raise! We’re too awesome!”
*gags* Carlito is definately a face, gets into a fight, (Great play on
Analogy from Carly), and predictably, WE HAVE LISP-OFF!!!! Here comes Gymbo.
Well there went all my ability to care. For a BRIEF second I actually
thought they’d skip the Masters fued and jump Carly to Striker, a fued that
could at least give us entertaining Promos.
RVD VS Spirit Squad. Wait am I watching Cirque De Soliel? Hey look, the
Briefcase is Airbrushed! Score one for the Rabble, they are the WWE Swamis,
fear their Creative Clairvoyance.
Maria… *whimper* … interviews Trickie, who says she has a surprise for
Mish. STILL the best written plot in wrestling, and the promo was funny as
all hell. Classic lines. I loved the tied up line. I just hope they’re
paying that poor bastard good money to get caught between these two. And a
BEAUTIFUL stiff slam from Trish.
K, I’ll stop there because it’s 8:18 and I’m already rambling, and James
will be writing up the last of the Rabble so I can’t wait for the 3 Kings to
bring Silver and Groans, so that’s it for this week.
Til next time I’m Penny. Not J.C.
And this is Hatton saying g’nite
