Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 04.18.06

Columns, Shows, TV Shows

Ah, folks, it’s another of those “I’m otherwise preoccupied, so how much am I really going to give a shit?” columns. Had to head up to Topeka for one interview yesterday, and by the time you read this, I should be driving somewhere in Oklahoma, emphasis on “somewhere”. At least one of these possibilities is very good, so I’ll inform you of anything.

Today, though, is a day for anniversaries. For instance, it’s the centennial of the Great San Francisco Earthquake. Like Katrina, this incredible disaster was used by hypocritical moralists as Proof Of God’s Divine Punishment Against The Wicked, Yea, Just Like Sodom and Gommorah (in other words, the same excuse they’ll pull out when the next Big One hits, and the Sodom analogy will hold truer for them). Katrina, though, won’t have Spencer Tracy starring in the movie adaptation of the carnage.

That gets me thinking: who is the modern-day Spence? Harrison Ford, maybe? Kiefer Sutherland, if we stick to TV? No, those aren’t very satisfying answers. Let’s see…Academy Award winner, Catholic with a guilt complex about it, hard-drinking, mean bastard, cheats on his wife constantly…oh, God, it’s Mel Gibson. If only South Park had been around seventy years ago. Now I need a drink.

Today is also the silver anniversary of The Longest Baseball Game Ever Played. If you turn on ESPN today, you’re going to get a snootful of this one. It’s absolutely perfect for blanket coverage by the Worldwide Leader. After all, it involved a Dead Sux minor league affiliate, so that plays directly into their most prominent bias at this time of year. There were about a dozen future major leaguers involved in it, so that means loads of interview prospects. And then there’s the attention to be gained by the two teams’ respective third basemen. Some guys named Ripken and Boggs. I think that I shall be avoiding ESPN at whatever motel I’m staying at tonight, thank you.

Monday was the 45th Anniversary of that exemplar of American foreign policy, the Bay of Pigs invasion. I’ll let Fleabag tell you how well that one worked. He’s had a number of things to say on the subject of Fidel over the years. One thing about Fidel, though, is that he learned his lessons from history. Both he and Stalin were stuck with an annoying but popular idealogue who was a threat to his power. Stalin decided to demonize, exile, and murder his, using him as a fulcrum to murder millions, which didn’t do much for his public relations. Fidel just told his to go export the Revolution, hoping that he’d get killed in the process, which is exactly what happened. Result? How many Trotsky T-shirts do you see out there compared to Che T-shirts?

And Daffy Duck turned 69 yesterday. If there’s a cartoon character where Beavis and Butthead-style references toward this number are less applicable than Daffy Duck, please tell me, because I defy you to find one.

As for my weekend…Doctor Who? Terrific, and we’ve got Queen Victoria and werewolves next week. Robot Chicken? Repeated the Dragonball Z Christmas sketch, but the multiple Barneys balanced that disappointment out. The events at Harbour Town? Look, the last thing I want is for a tournament winner to believe it was really Divine Providence, but the way Furyk choked, the only conclusion you can come to is that the Resurrected Christ was looking down on his servant Baddeley. Aaron was long overdue to win one here in the US, and I’m happy for him, but not on Easter, please. I don’t care if he’s sincere in his faith or not.

THE PIMP SECTION

Lucard manages to misspell two celebrities’ names in one sentence.

Shaffer gives everyone a perfectly valid excuse for the sabbatical he’s about to take. And, yes, all of us knew about this and support him.

Blatt throws out a quickie about the now-infamous Wrestlemania entrances.

Hevia doesn’t have any news either.

Since Murray has now established a regular column, I’m rarely going to get to use him as one of my Raw Regulars, thus losing the opportunity to drive his spirit into the depths every week. Unless I do stuff like this: Steve, please learn the difference between a deceased Prime Minister and a still-living faux pirate. No, saying they’re both British doesn’t help.

Fitzgerald is a little late, but he got it in anyway. Good for him.

Memo to Daniels: if you think you lost interest in basketball in 1998, join the club. Its membership is every resident of Chicago. As for subway adventures, you ain’t got nuttin’ on me, buddy. Try being the only white guy on the Red Line in Chicago from 95th to downtown sometime. Or, should we meet, get me drunk and have me attempt to describe the Paris Metro in August with all the windows on the cars closed. It’s the closest thing to a WWI gas attack you can imagine.

Wallace deals with passion-fruit juice and Cointreau this week. Ouch.

Paul owns an iPod. I don’t. Big whoop.

Mistah Gubitosi fellates Brett Fahv-ruh and the abominable Reggie White. Shame on him.

Basilo is still on Family Guy‘s side.

Hatton is Marvel.

Stevens is DC.

LET ME GUESS…THERE’S NOTHING OUT THERE

And there hasn’t been since Wrestlemania, really. I mean, I took a nap after I got back from Topeka, woke up an hour before Raw, and still was able to get this column done.

Oh, geez, trolling around a bit…well, Harry Smith is supposedly saying that he’s going to debut the first week of June on Raw. Considering how much mileage WWE got out of Eddy, what can they do with a dead father and dead uncle, especially now that there’s been a rapproachment with Bret? Possibly in a related development, one of 1bullshit Junior’s unpaid stringers is reporting that WWE’s trademarked the term “Prince Of Perversion”. 1bullshit Junior’s also saying that Trip will have a role in Miller’s new ad campaign. Sting will be on that idiotic Fox sports show (you all know which one) to pimp Lockdown today. And speaking of TNA, on June 9th, they’re doing another house show, and it’ll be at the Bingo Hall; it’ll be done under Hermie Sadler’s aegis, but like this past week’s shows in Virginia, will be pure TNA in content. Obviously, it’s a direct slam at One-Night Stand.

And, oh, yes, the STL played host to a supershow due to the Euro tour this week. You know what that means…

SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED

Fooled you. No one had spoilers for the Smackdown part of the show up at the time I was writing. Jesus, you would have thought that someone would have e-mailed Milord or something.

That’s really all. Might as well move on to the show that’s already been broadcast.

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Kane over Rob Conway (Pinfall, chokeslam): Nice of them to give Conway some mic time. Now, on to Kane’s heel turn. It obviously isn’t a heel turn. He’s simply going batshit for some unexplained reason whenever the date May 19th is mentioned, which gives them long enough between now and then to have a Kane/TBS match at Backlash. The thing is, though, I already explained the reason why he’d be doing that to you. If your movie was opening on the same day as The DaVinci Code, wouldn’t you be going batshit?

And memo to Paul Wight: either both of your pant legs over the boots or neither. Not one above the boot and one over it.

Charlie Haas over Shelton Benjamin, Non-Title But Weird-Ass Stip Match (Pinfall, rollup; as a result, the Benjamin/Van Dam match at Backlash will be for the Intercontinental Title rather than Money In The Bank): Okay, that was a bit of a pleasant surprise. We all knew that Charlie was back in the fold, but I think all of us gave up waiting for him to get back to the main roster. What a difference having a familiar opponent made for Benjy. He and Charlie obviously have a comfort zone with each other, and it allowed Benjy to work on some of the SE aspects of his heel turn, like the Van Dam mocking. As for Haas, he now has recovered all the credibility he lost over the first six months of 2005 and more. I believe that we have someone to replace Shane at #10 in the next rankings.

Shawn Michaels over Jamalga (DQ, Doan Abuse): Angle Advancement Match plus Pimp Match for Jamal’s new character equals…you can do the math. And I think that the “Divine Intervention” pyro was far more offensive than last week’s promo, only because it was such a blatant insult to one’s intelligence. I don’t need to say anything more.

Ken Doane, Johnny Jeter, Mike Mondo, Nick Mitchell, and Nick Nemeth over Rob Van Dam, Same Weird-Ass Stip As Above Handicap Match (Pinfall, Doane pins Van Dam, leg drop; as a result, both the Intercontinental Title and Money In The Bank will be on the line at Backlash): Okay, that clinches that. There’s no doubt that Van Dam wins at Backlash now, and it’ll end up being Champion Versus Champion at One-Night Stand. WWE title versus WWE title at an ECW PPV…it’s been five years, and I’m still having trouble adjusting.

Edge ‘n Cena over Trip, Yet Another Fucking Goddamn Handicap Main Event Whose Purpose In Pimping Backlash Has Been Forever Lost To Me (Pinfall, Edge pins Trip, spear): Really, is there a person out there who isn’t sick of the way they’re doing this? Well, thank God they’ve finally run out of combinations, and we can get on to something a little more comprehensible next week.

Angle Developments:

Christ Is Risen, So Vince Had Better Take Precautions: It’s so rare that Vince screws the pooch on a promo. Usually, though, on the occasions when it does happen, it’s because he’s responding to some public criticism. For the last week, of course, he’s been bombarded by claims of disrespect of Christianity; why they go after him and not me, I have no clue, except for the fact that I live in Kansas, and my remarks can be seen as necessary counterbalance to all of the moraler-than-thou yahoos that live here, starting with Fred Phelps and the state school board. As usual, Vince caved in and tried to spin it in a direction to help the Backlash match, and it failed. That really was a boring promo. Just two notes:

1) He was shooting about East Saint Louis. That place is f*cking dismal.

2) You are not allowed to freely practice any religion in America in any way you want. If the religion happens to involve use of certain substances that happen to be federally controlled, you can get busted (ask certain Native Americans about that). And you can’t perform human sacrifice, although it’s a time-honored traditions in some native religions. And if the Junta has its way, if it involves the Qu’ran, it’ll probably end up being banned.

Slick Rick wanted a little more proof of the existence of God:

I would have marked the f*ck out if a giant lightning bolt had tore throught the roof of that arena and turned Vince into charcoal.

Yeah, but he’d no-sell it like Wile E. Coyote.

Just To Clarify This…: No, I am not writing Matt Striker’s promos. Yes, I know, it sounds like I am, but, really, I’m not. I just agree with them totally. What I don’t agree with is the progression during that promo. Carly could have more easily solidified his face credentials by beginning and maintaining a feud with Striker, which would have the side effect of elevating Striker from his current Unlimited/Heat status, and abandoning the program with Gym Bunny. Of course, they could end up doing that after Backlash, so I won’t consider this possibility dead yet. However, it’d be a helluva lot more interesting with Striker than it’d be with Masters, you have to admit that.

Christopher Arrington came close to that assumption:

When he started with the Stone Cold and Flex sucks stuff you was interested in his teachings and wanted to purchase his newsletter didn’t you? It is just a shame that it turned into buildup for “Carly-Masters: When Bores Collide”. It is even more a shame that 90% of what he said was the cold, hard truth.

No, try 100%, especially with the Wife-Beater/Flex stuff. And I don’t want to purchase his newsletter. He bows down before me, get it?

Mistaken Identity: So, has anyone adequated explained who’s playing Jack? At first we heard it was Ray Gordy. Then people said it wasn’t Ray Gordy. So, is it him or not? And be honest: would anyone blame Jack for turning gay after his experiences with those two?

Mistaken Intentions: For some reason, all the Raw Regulars think that I’m not sold on the Trish/LaJames angle. No, I am. I like it. It’s interesting, it’s entertaining. I just have my doubts about how they can close this off without one of them being stabbed through the heart, that’s all.

Okay, I’m going to be out of town for the next couple of days, so if you write me and don’t hear from me, I’m either too busy, or I’m ignoring you. Ciao until sometime Friday.