Matt and Trey…oh, you pathetic sods. Not only was the whole Oprah vagina and asshole thing painfully unfunny, but you’re behind the times. There is no more “First National Bank Of Chicago”. They renamed themselves “First Chicago” a long time ago, then were bought by Bank One, who was then bought by Chase. I should know, since I’ve been banking with them since they were still the First National Bank of Chicago. So f*ck you, Parker and Stone.
Maybe I will switch my allegiance to Family Guy after all…
Ah, things aren’t happening. I’m still recovering from my trip to Oklahoma (which didn’t work out, thank God, because no matter how desperate I am, I wouldn’t want to be involved in that situation). Reading the spoilers after I got back, I had no desire to see Smackdown, which delayed this column a number of hours after I got the nerve up to watch the damn thing. Of course, the big thing going on in that area is WWE finally, after months of rumors, cracking down on PWTorrents. I had to download SD from XWTorrents instead, and put up with their weird policies (like, if your ratio is low, they delay your ability to seed…uh, doesn’t that, like, miss the point totally, you twads?). Actually, I’m pretty cool with WWE cracking down on PWTorrents because the mods there are some of the biggest assholes you’ll ever meet. So, ha.
I really have nothing to say, so let’s get on with it…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Booker T over Matt Hardy, King of the Ring First Round Match (Pinfall, scissors kick): Well, I guess you could appreciate this match for its craftmanship. High-quality, well-booked, right guy went over, but it’s still a Matt Hardy match. Does anyone with a penis really give a shit? And if you have to rely on estrogen for someone to approve of this match, is it really good? It was an inoffensive way to waste fifteen minutes, that’s all.
Like everyone doesn’t know who’s the bitch already
Paul London over Joey Mercury, Part Three Of Their Futile Attempt To Convince Us There’s A Tag Division On Smackdown (Pinfall, rollup): Okay, this is the superior pairing for a singles match by far (I don’t buy into the whole Spanky LUV), but, really, it’s a joke. London and Kendrick are the only serious competitors for the tag straps, and they need to do a switch soon before the audience goes totally apathetic on MNM (excluding Melina). So I don’t mind the build-up, especially since they’ve got weeks until their next PPV. But I don’t have the desire to care about it, even though it is London and Kendrick. That being said, and I know that if I don’t say this, someone’s going to write me and tell me this, it’s better than the tag situation on Raw. Hell, it might be better than the tag situation in TNA. What does that say about the state of tag team wrestling in 2006?
Paul London considers this a standing ‘rana. The rest of us consider it foreplay.
Our Lord and Savior and Bobby Lashley over Fit Finlay and Orlando Jordan (Pinfall, Lashley pins Jordan, Dominator): Okay, everyone who’s been calling Lashley “Black Lesnar”, do you want to change that to “Black Goldberg” after he pulled out that visibly painful spear? If he starts going spear/Dominator in every match, I think we may have to. If this is the case, I feel very, very good about predicting Lashley as KOTR winner a couple weeks ago.
In honor of the Queen’s 80th birthday, a little Commonwealth-on-Commonwealth violence
The Great Dalip over Sho Funaki (Pinfall, choke powerbomb): Oh, God…I’m going to ignore this, just like I ignore any kind of situation that leads into a program with Undertaker.
He could have saved him for an in-flight snack for the trip to Europe
Jesse and Jake (Shane) over Paul Burchill and His Grace the Duke of Regal, Privy Councilor to His Britannic Majesty Charles the Second (Pinfall, one of the damn Shanes pins Regal, Cross-Trainer): This match may have made history. It could be the first comedy match that Bucci’s been involved in where he wasn’t the focus of the comedy. All I’m going to ask the powers that be is that there’d better be a damn good payoff at the end for Regal. He’s undergone so many bits of humiliation where he never got a chance to get his back that he deserves one. Yes, it might hurt Burchill, but justice must not only be served, it must be seen to be served.
Dressed like that and having to sell for a Shane Twin. If there’s such a thing as karma, he’ll be world champ by the end of the year.
Angle Developments:
The Regal Fashion Show:
Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck, yes. This, no.
And we thought that Daniels was a professional. He’s got nothing on Regal.
I think you can understand if I take this one a little personally
I don’t think Burchill’s too impressed with Regal’s Dutch Mantell impersonation
Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1699
This may be the last time you ever see Palmer Canon on screen. Send your thank-you card to John Layfield, c/o WWE, Stamford, CT.
And Speaking Of The Man You Should Thank…: Well, with Rey-Rey and Angle getting involved in his little celebration, that means that his depush is officially ended. You know what happens next, don’t you? Everyone in the IWC who’s been supporting a repush for him will turn on him within a month, calling him a waste of space, wondering why he’s facing whoever he’s getting…you can count on it. It always happens that way. Just remember, I warned you.
They cut the budget for boob jobs again, I see
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Petey Williams, Eric Young, Bobby Roode, and Savory Steak Sauce Boy over Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Alex Shelley (Pinfall, Rouse pins Lethal, pump-handle slam): It’s quite shocking to realize that Savory Steak Sauce Boy not only got the pinfall, but also has something that can be considered a finishing move. However, since it’s the pump-handle slam, the last refuge of the muscular and incompetent, that’s not saying much. What is an indicator is the booking of this match and its associated commentary. I know that I was one of the first in line to tell TNA that they had to make good by Alex Shelley after the Waltman Affair, but I didn’t want them to go this far. Right now, it looks as if the entire World X Cup is going to be revolving around Shelley and what he’ll do or not do. He’s going to come out of this with the biggest push possible. And they’re going to piss it all away by having him job to Joe in a title match at, oh, Slammiversary.
Because it just wouldn’t be a Jay Lethal match without a shot of him leaping
Rhiyno, Ron Killings, and A. J. Fuckin’ Styles over Simon Diamond, Elix Skipper, and David Young (Pinfall, Killings pins Skipper, axe kick): I like all of the guys in this match. I really do. Even David Young. I’m just pissed that they’re being wasted on something as inconsequential as a PPV Pimp Match in which the guys doing the pimping aren’t even the main focus of the angle being run. It’s just weird to think of three former NWA world heavyweight champions (not to mention one former ECW world heavyweight champion) reduced to side shows for Jarrett and Sting. I think that’s the reason why I didn’t get into this. It just didn’t matter, for any of these guys. I want some substance, please.
Thank God Styles and Killings chose the targets they did. If it had been the other way around, Erhardt would have bitched and moaned like you wouldn’t believe. And he had enough to bitch about with the pinfall.
Jeff Jarrett, Chris Harris, and James Storm over the ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley, the ex-D-Von Dudley, and the ex-Spike Dudley (Pinfall, Jarrett pins the ex-Spike, Stroke): This isn’t the ECW Arena, so I don’t care. What the hell were they trying to do with this? It was like some weird combination of 80s Memphis and a trios match, and none of them except for Jarrett fits into either category. Yuck.
Okay, that was Spike’s one free shot. Now he’s Jarrett’s bitch until he leaves TNA.
Angle Developments:
Not a thing. Another Christian/Abyss promo that’s too late to do any good, and a clusterf*ck “let’s have everybody do a run-in” ending to the show.
I’m getting this puppy in. I just want to take a little time out before I have to watch Lockdown, which I’ll cover on Tuesday. Until, you know.
