Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
I’m sorry that I stopped writing so abruptly with no explanation and that I’ve been AWOL–suffice to say, law school is a ridiculous amount of work and second year especially has been quite the struggle! I’d really like to keep writing, especially Things Fall Apart and reviews with so much to get off my chest, but I just don’t have the time to make it regular.
I would like to contribute though, maybe 2 big epic editorials each year, with the first this summer? Kind of like a year in review sort of thing. Thanks for writing though and keeping the Woo in your mind!
(Warren Woo)
That’s right, folks. The S.T.A.R. Warren Woo Reconnaissance Team was able to contact the man himself, and he will be making his triumphant re-return this summer. Stay tuned!
Last Monday after work I picked up some fast food for dinner, as goes my usual Monday evening praxis. This particular week, I was really jonesing for one of those delicious Crunchwrap Supremes, so I stopped by the area Taco Bell and ordered one, along with a chicken Chalupa Baja and a spicy chicken soft taco. The bill was $6.69, which, although it was a few dollars more than I would have liked to spend, was a relatively small price to pay as I was starving something fierce. Now, I’ve been going to Taco Bell for over 20 years, and I usually charge all food that I buy, because I don’t carry cash unless I absolutely have to. Well, sometime in the past week or so, Taco Bell has changed their policy re alternative forms of payment. As I pulled up and was ordering, I noticed a sign stuck in the bushes that read, “NOW ACCEPTING ATM CARDS,” and thought, “Oh, I guess that’s cool if you don’t have credit cards but do have an ATM card… meh.” Something, however, that was unbeknownst to me until I was handing my Capital One Platinum No Hassle Visa to the employee, is that they don’t take credit cards anymore… just ATM cards. That’s it. “Okay,” I thought. “No big deal, luckily I have one of those.” This is where it got really squirrelly: there is an 80-cent transaction fee for ATM cards. So basically, you either pay cash or get f*cked in the ass.
BULL. SHIT.
If they didn’t have some of my favorite food items on their menu, I’d be boycotting that f*cking chain right now. However, since my appetite is stronger than my politics, I will continue to buy Taco Bell food, but I will now have to carry at least ten dollars in cash on a regular basis just in case I get an unexpected hankering for a Nachos BellGrande. Fuck you, Taco Bell, seriously, for inconveniencing me, but luckily for you, I still love you.
In other worthless personal items, an acquaintance and I had a friendly wager over how large the headline would be declaring that former governor George Ryan was found guilty of being sneaky toad. While I guessed 216 pt., he guessed 288 pt., which I thought would have been overkill. The headline ended up running at 207 pt., so I won ten dollars and a superficial sense of self-satisfaction.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (LA EDICIÓN ESPAÑOL)
Realmente, la caracterÃÂstica emocionante de la LOCURA DE MAYO empezará en nuestra próxima edición, como es todavÃÂa abril. Yo no escribo la jerigonza. Sin embargo, mi español es bastante terrible, como usted puede ver.
Shawn M. Smith odia Kevin Federline, porque Kevin Federline es sin talento y merece morir, pero Kevin Federline tiene el sexo con Britney Spears, y Shawn M. Smith no. A veces yo pienso acerca de papas fritas mientras estoy en el trabajo. Entonces obtengo hambriento y paro trabajar porque yo no puedo concentrar.
Kyle David Paul escribe una vez más acerca de su amado iPod. Estaba en Urban Outfitters el otro dÃÂa y vi una máquina que permite a una persona para mezclar dos iPods juntos. ¿Sabe usted lo que indica acerca de mi personalidad? Indica que tengo genitales que son más grandes que los genitales de un caballo.
Gloomchen goza los lÃÂricos que traducen. Yo gozo comer las rosquillas. Realmente, después que yo soy hecho escritura esta columna, yo iré a Dunkin Donuts y compraré una docena de esas rosquillas con el barniz roso.
Mathan retornou esta semana, com uma coluna nova em folha. Pensa que Proof e D-12 são inúteis, mas esteve surpreendido e feliz sobre Jay Dee recebendo muita publicidade. Pergunto-me se qualquer pessoa será capaz de contar que este parágrafo foi escrito em português?
D’Estroyer ha proclamado a Mastodon, Leviathan, como “un nuevo clásico.” Yo no estoy seguro acerca de ese logo, pero soy cierto que quiero realmente este Arizona Pomegranate Green Tea. ¡Es casi tan delicioso como horchata!
Si usted lee todos estos artÃÂculos, usted no será matado ni será esclavizado cuando mi gente toman su paÃÂs…
Queensrÿche
Karate High School
Rhett Miller
Avenpitch
Enlow
Hard-Fi
Lacuna Coil (1, 2)
Wolfmother
Edguy
Prince
NEWS TO USE
Alright, alright… Babyshambles/ex-Libertines lead singer Pete Doherty has officially and perpetually trumped Courtney Love on the Courtney Love Scale, moving up from 1.0 Courtney Love to 1.0 Pete Doherty. According to the BBC, on Thursday afternoon, just hours after appearing in Thames Magistrates’ Court in London to answer drug possession charges (and subsequently being ordered to enroll in a rehab program), Doherty was arrested on suspicion of… (cue drum roll) drug possession with intent to supply, after plainclothes police officers busted him and a friend in the East End. He was booked and released on bail on Friday. The type of drugs that were confiscated was not specified, as London Metropolitan Police took the two men to a local station for questioning, and as I am typing this story Pete Doherty is looking for more drugs.
Richard Monroe III, a man who was allegedly “dragged, kicked, punched, jumped and otherwise severely beaten” by the bodyguards and entourage of Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, Daz Dillinger, The Game, and Soopafly, at a concert in Auburn, Wash., has filed a civil lawsuit against all of those rappers. According to the suit, filed a couple of weeks back in Los Angeles Superior Court, Monroe had jumped onstage during a song at the How the West Was One Tour stop at the White River Amphitheatre when he was attacked. He is seeking $22 million in damages, for assault, battery, negligence, and “intentional infliction of emotional distress.” Memo to the bodyguards and entourage of Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, Daz Dillinger, The Game, and Soopafly: the next time you’re in Chicago, let me know. You guys can beat the shit out of me for less than half of that. In fact… f*ck it, I’ll let you kick my ass for $1 million.
When asked about his new band, The Panic Channel, which also features Jane’s Addiction alumni Stephen Perkins and Chris Chaney, along with singer Steve Isaacs, Dave Navarro filled reporters in on the group’s upcoming album, (ONe), comparing it to a “goth Rush.” Yep, you read that correctly. While the album is slated for a Sept. 12 release, two songs, “Why Cry” and “Tea House of the Spirits,” will be available via selected Web sites on May 16. As a fan of both goth and Rush, I am intrigued, but more so prepared to feel very let down, as I’m expecting the band to sound less like a “goth Rush” and more like Jane’s Addiction with a different singer who thinks he’s Geddy Lee but isn’t so he sounds like some random guy who had a car battery dropped on his sack.
Latin musicians Gloria Trevi, Ivy Queen, Voz a Voz, Frank Reyes, and others have teamed with the Urban Box Office record label to record and release a Spanish version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” to raise money and show support for immigrants vis-à-vis the Senate’s immigration legislation debate next week. The record label was originally going to try and get Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Dave Matthews, Kanye West, and Mary J. Blige to perform the song, but the Hispanic singers agreed to do it for less money.
George Michael was involved in a minor traffic accident last Sunday when he rear-ended another car while pulling out of a parking spot in north London. That car in turn hit the car in front of it, which also hit the car in front of it. Of course, the most obvious direction here would be for me to make a joke about “rear-ending,” but instead I’ve decided that I’ll just take the high road and say that George Michael has a stupid haircut. You heard it here first.
Arthur Lee, the lead singer of late-1960s rock band Love, is currently battling acute lymphoblastic leukemia, according to a post on the band’s fan site. He is undergoing chemotherapy, and will more than likely need a bone marrow transplant. Lee’s friends, along with bands X, Cake, and Calexico, are reportedly setting up a benefit concert for May or June, in Los Angeles, in order to cover the uninsured singer’s medical expenses.
Quick Bits
Rapper Swift was sentenced to 93 days in prison after missing a court hearing in a drunk-driving case against him, as he instead attended the funeral of rapper Proof, who was shot to death on April 11. Along with missing the hearing, Swift also tested positive for alcohol, thus violating his probation terms.
Nelly paid a $20,000 settlement to Jerry Livingston, a Connecticut-based photographer who claimed that last year at a concert, he was dragged to the side of the stage and assaulted by the rapper’s bodyguard.
Madonna has been added to the bill for this summer’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, which means that Madonna and Tool will be playing at the same show. Even if you’re not anywhere near Chicago, if you listen hard enough, that popping sound is my head exploding.
Bob Dylan will debut his own XM Radio show on May 3, during which he will host a mix of prattle, and songs from his own personal collection.
Roger Waters has decided to move his June 22 concert in Tel Aviv, Israel, to nearby Neveh Shalom, which is a mixed Jewish-Arab village, as a symbol of peace and coexistence… and because he doesn’t want to get blown up.
Daddy Yankee says that he’s glad he got shot after having tried out for the Seattle Mariners, because then he was able to focus more on making shitty reggaetón music. Yes, it is shitty. Sorry, Michaelangelo…
Guns N’ Roses have added two more dates to their soon-to-be-canceled their May tour. On May 12 and 14, the band will perform at New York’s Hammerstein Ballroom. They will then release their album in 2037. Tom D’Errico’s grandkids will think it’s one of the best releases of the year. Just saying is all…
A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
From OM Records…
Featuring: Tiefschwarz, M.A.N.D.Y vs. Booka Shade, TrentmØller, Ame, Mylo, Chicken Lips, Layo & Bushwacka.
In Stores April 25th, 2006
Om Records is proud to present the debut release from our new series Electrolush: The very best of minimal and electro nouveau.
If heart-stopping bass lines and crunchy electro beats are your thing…look no further. This double-disc set brings together some of the biggest sounds from the minimal scene, with the hottest new electro tracks. We’ve added the lushness by tying it all together with the trademark Om aesthetic. Tune in, freak out with Electrolush.
“Highly infectious melodies combined with driving click beats and deep sub-bass complete this balmy uptempo dance floor collection.” -DJ MAGAZINE
Click the following link to Listen!
http://om-records.com/listening_station.php?tr_release_id=538
From Underground Inc…
PRE-ORDER: Chris Connelly Box Set
Available now for Pre-Order. Box set will ship in a few weeks. This is a numbered limited edition of 500, and includes a poster with Chris Connelly lyrics, and a signed copy of the new live disc!
1. Night Of Your Life
2. Initials C.C.
3. Private Education
4. Ultimate Seaside Companion
5. Blonde Exodus
6. Lounge Ax, Bottle, & Elsewhere (signed!)
18th Anniversary of the Label
Invisible Records turns 18 this year. We’ve asked the friends, fans, and family of the label to send us their stories about how the label has affected them. You can read their responses on the Underground Inc. Message Board.
ASTRALWERKS PUBLICITY INTERN/ASSISTANT NEEDED
Astralwerks is looking for a part time apprentice in our publicity department. Candidates must live in the New York Metro area and be able to commit 20 hours per week. Hours are flexible. Work directly with our publicity team and gain hands on experience in press and media relations. Some experience is preferred but not necessary.
For more info email press@astralwerks.net.
BILL-BORED
Here’s the lowdown on the April 22, 2006, edition of Billboard‘s Pop 100 list, which shows what the alleged top singles in America are. This one contained a lot of the same songs from the “Bill-Bored” segment that I did two weeks ago, so I will C&P the same commentary from last time, with some new commentary thrown in for some items.
#20 – Beyoncé, “Check On It”
(Last edition: #10)
The only song I’ve ever liked that involved Beyoncé was “No, No, No (Part something)” and “Crazy In Love.” The rest of it is junk. This is certainly junk, as well. And Slim Thug, you’re not helping anything at all…
#19 – Shakira, “Hips Don’t Lie” [f/Wyclef Jean]
At first I thought I’d mistakenly downloaded Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz, but it’s just yet another example of pop music rehashing more relatively recent pop music. I really don’t like Shakira singing in English. It just isn’t the same. The beat, however, is pretty catchy, with the salsa/reggaetón thing going on. I’d really like to hear it in Spanish, and then I might actually really like it. Otherwise, feh…
#18 – Nickelback, “Savin’ Me”
Is Nickelback still on Roadrunner? Does anyone remember when Roadrunner was a halfway decent metal imprint? Historically, Nickelback’s music has garnered two different reactions from me: one of either complete and utter disdain (see “Photograph” and “How You Remind Me”), or one of complete and utter apathy (see those other songs). This one falls into the latter category. Yawner…
#17 – Chris Brown, “Yo (Excuse Me Miss)”
(Last edition: #10)
Whilst listening to the local urban radio station, I recently heard a different version of this song from the one I downloaded for the last edition, and I assume that the radio version is the one that’s being acknowledged here. That said, the song uses the same exact background music for Jay-Z’s “Excuse Me Miss” (complete with Pharrell Williams’ trademark off-key vocals), with this little shit whining over it. Seriously, Neptunes, are you guys that f*cking lazy that you couldn’t throw together some new wave-style synths and some ridiculously low bass drums and give this kid a new beat, instead of rehashing something from three years ago? Way to rest on your f*cking laurels, guys. You’re getting way too cocky for your own good.
#16 – Fall Out Boy, “Dance, Dance”
(Last edition: #17)
I honestly can’t believe that this thing is still floating above #50 after almost an entire month. Fall Out Boy and everything they do is f*cking awful, including this steaming pile of audio dung. The bright side, though, is that when downloading it, I also got a chance to download a .wmv file called “Raver chick with some nice knockers and f*cked in the tits.” Thanks, Limewire!
#15 – The All-American Rejects, “Move Along”
The last time I heard anything by this band it was probably circa 2001 or so, and I thought it was terrible pop-punk fodder for the masses of teenage girls with their kewl studded belts and their Made hoodies that are so XxXcORexxX. That said, it appears as if not much has changed. Is it better than most of that thug rap that appears in this list? I guess so, if anything because it’s less offensive, but that’s like comparing rotten apples and moldy oranges.
#14 – Pink, “Stupid Girls”
I have been known to like the occasional Pink song. As far as this one goes, the low-to-high-pitch chorus annoys me, but the rest of it isn’t really that bad. Apparently, from what I’ve heard, the video is much better than the song because she spoofs all of the teenybopper pop stars. Little does Miss Moore know, she’s actually one of them, except with a slight edge… and she hasn’t f*cked Fez… yet.
#13 – Bubba Sparxxx, “Ms. New Booty” [f/Ying Yang Twins, Mr. ColliPark]
(Last edition: #14)
Not only does this song offer absolutely nothing in the quality department, but it’s insufferably obnoxious, with the repetitive “BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY…” hook that makes me want to put my hands over my ears to keep blood from spurting out of them. I could give Helen Keller a pot and a wooden spoon and she’d come up with a better song. This is a terrible and worthless piece of shit, and if you like it, so are you. It’s because of people like you that I don’t want to buy any albums anymore, because the record companies must be punished for allowing shit like this to see the light of day.
#12 – Ne-Yo, “So Sick”
(Last edition: #1)
Last time this was inexplicably the number one song in the country, which was odd since it’s nothing but a Slow Jam 101 that will be featured on Now 28, and is neither great nor offensive. It’s just kind of there. Some people probably think it’s great, and more power to them, I guess. It is what it is, though… the musical equivalent of Campbell’s tomato soup. This position on the list is the highest that it probably should have climbed at all, and even that is probably being a bit too generous.
#11 – Rascal Flatts, “What Hurts the Most”
I felt really, really dirty downloading this. Like most of what I’ve heard by the Rascal Flatts, this is like a Backstreet Boys track if they were on MCA Nashville. The group has such a large and blindly dedicated following that they could do an Anal Cunt cover and it would not only receive such a huge response from the group’s fans (mostly sorority girls and soccer moms) that it would instantly chart, but it would probably get a video package and everything. Might I suggest “Breastfeeding Jim J. Bullock’s Toenail Collection”?
#10 – T.I., “What You Know”
Once in a great while, there comes along a rap record that, despite the fact that most everything about it makes it a terrible, contrived piece of shit that doesn’t stand out at all from the rest of the urban mumbo jumbo, I still happen to like it (see also, Big Tymers, “Still Fly,” not to mention that “Poppin’ My Collar” song). I think the thing I like most about it is the beat, which, while nothing special, manages to utilize the “chik-chik” drum machine popularized by Manny Fresh et al. and incorporate a decent synth to provide something a little less stagnant than the usual fare. I have no desire to go see ATL. Sorry, Michaelangelo…
#9 – Rihanna, “S.O.S. (Rescue Me)”
As a rule, I get pissed off when a song that I really love gets sampled into an expendable pop track that will be forgotten in the next year or so. This one apes the background music from “Tainted Love,” but it’s actually not as obnoxious as it could be, and the sound effect from the transition into “Where Did Our Love Go,” that gets thrown in there, too, is a nice little chestnut. Factor in a pounding techno-hop beat, and the result is a solid pop track that will more likely be in the top three next time I do this segment.
#8 – The Pussycat Dolls, “Beep” [f/will.i.am]
(Last edition: #16)
That “Evil Woman” sample is still pissing me off. I recently found out that this is the same group that gave us that “don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” song (a strip club classic), which I kinda sorta like, despite its painfully hubristic lyrics. So, while I dislike The Pussycat Dolls a little less now because of that newly attained datum, will.i.am is still on The Shit List, and will more than likely be until he stops making music.
#7 – Cascada, “Every Time We Touch”
(Last edition: #12)
And ladies and germs, this is your painfully contrived epic trance track du jour, complete with the syrupy anthemic vocals and expendable shards of synth thrown in to make it a hit with the silicone crowd. If you’ve heard anything by DJ Sammy or Ian Van Dahl, you’ve already heard this. If not, don’t listen to any of it, because you’re better off.
#6 – Kelly Clarkson, “Walk Away”
(Last edition: #19)
This one sure climbed the list over the past few weeks, but that’s okay. Part of me is pretty miffed that she aped the beat from “Kiss,” but another, bigger part of me, oddly enough, is actually enjoying what she’s done with it. Katie, bar the door, hell hath frozen over, because I actually like this. Sorry, Mitch.
#5 – Mary J. Blige, “Be Without You”
(Last edition: #4)
I’ve always had a soft spot for Mary J., and I like this song. It’s got a nice, catchy beat that makes it a Slow Jam 101, while bringing enough to the table to not blend in with the others currently floating around the airwaves. Mary’s done a good job of maturing since her days of cavorting with the Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Waste of Skin.
#4 – James Blunt, “You’re Beautiful”
(Last edition: #3)
In the last edition, I stated that I could not honestly believe that anyone under the age of 55 would actually enjoy this song. I recently found out that my mom is a fan of this song, and since my mom is 52, I guess I stand corrected. With about as much panache as a piece of milk toast, it bored the ass off of me to the extent that I actually had to turn it off to keep from falling asleep. Michael Bolton has done songs that were more exciting than this.
#3 – Natasha Bedingfield, “Unwritten”
(Last edition: #7)
“These Words” was a fantastic, unique, catchy pop tune that I liked so much that it actually got burned onto my iPod. It reminded me of Nelly Furtado circa 2000, and it managed to elevate Miss Bedingfield above the squalor that is the female pop vocal genre. This, on the hand, thrusts her back down into the void. Boo-urns.
#2 – Sean Paul, “Temperature”
(Last edition: #2)
Still holding strong at number two, this song is yet another example of the country’s fixation with mediocrity repackaged as more mediocrity (see also, reality television). I liked it better the first eight times I heard it, when it was eight other Sean Paul songs, all of which sounded the same. Yawn… Still a googolplex times more exciting than James Blunt, though.
#1 – Daniel Powter, “Bad Day”
(Last edition: #5)
What would happen if Train sucked even more ass than they already do? This. I was perplexed that it was popular enough to hit #5, but the most popular song in the country? No wonder the whole f*cking world hates us. It’s not because of Iraq. It’s not because of Bush. It’s not because we use so many resources that if everyone on Earth consumed the same resources as the average American, it would take more than five Earths to meet the demand. It’s because Daniel Powter is the number one song in the f*cking country. For shame, America. For shame.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on iTunes as I wrote this week’s column…
Royce Da 5’9″, “Scary Movies” [f/Eminem]
Haircut 100, “Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)”
Rolling Stones, “Emotional Rescue”
Underworld, “Jumbo”
Cathy Dennis, “Touch Me (All Night Long)”
NOFX, “Linoleum”
The 5th Dimension, “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In (The Flesh Failues)”
1000 Homo DJs, “Supernaut”
Luke Slater, “Stars and Heroes”
The Only Band That Matters, “Clampdown”
Nine Inch Nails, “Hurt”
Skinny Puppy, “Addiction” (Opium Mx)
Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin'”
Nekromantix, “Nice Day for a Resurrection”
Mr. Big, “To Be With You”
Erykah Badu, “On & On”
Quasimoto, “Boom Music”
Poison, “Nothing But a Good Time”
Tears for Fears, “Sowing the Seeds of Love”
Peanut Butter Wolf, “In Your Area” [f/Planet Asia]
.38 Special, “Caught Up in You”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Last week it was discovered that Everyone’s Favorite Guy and Wes Borland have begun a MySpace feud, with dueling blog action. Borland, who left the band for the second time a few months back because (a) he once again realized that Durst is a massive cunt, and (b) his check from Interscope finally cleared, kept it relatively tasteful, saying that, “Fred and I still have not figured out how to keep it positive.” Everyone’s Favorite Guy, on the other hand, did what any musical genius would do; write a song called “Unacceptableinterlude,” directed at Borland. An excerpt from the song: “Stop making plans to manipulate fans and finally stick to something you believe / ‘Cause you had us all fooled and, I’ll admit, even me / Manipulating like a crook who’s arrestable / It’s unacceptable, f*cking unacceptable.” He later told reporters, “[The new Shit Bizkit album] will be on the more aggressive side of nature and appeal to those who feed off of the heavier side of Limp Bizkit. … I can sleep at night knowing that I have and will never sell out and make music or do my vocals for any reason other than my soul needing to express itself through my art.” In other news, when Fred Durst is not busy make up words (arrestable?) and talking other ridiculous gibberish while trying to sound “deep,” he can be found on your driveway after a thunderstorm, with all of the other useless, slithering worms that will hopefully die soon.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Kyle David Paul on Monday, followed by the rest of the weekly lineup. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’ve got the key (key) to Gramercy Park.
Cheers
-JF2k6!
