Well hello there! Welcome to AM RAW, where you get only half the crap you would normally get when watching this live on Monday!
The first thing on USA is a lot of ugly blonde women crying over something called Bodyflex. That will teach me to tune in five minutes early. The host blonde woman looks like she was jumped by a plastic surgeon that failed out of medical school and decided to seek his revenge on unsuspecting ugly people.
Opening Video. Geez, you would think they would recognize the greatness of Sgt. Slaughter’s title reign in this thing. They should have had Slaughter go back to his Iraqi ways and back Kurt Angle during his feud with Cena. That would have turned the crowd against our Olympic hero. Hey, what the hell is Booker T doing in this thing?
The regular AM RAW intro plays. It has Chris Masters in it, making it suck just a little bit more than I thought it did one week ago.
We start with Vince in the ring, asking the crowd if he is going to hell. The short answer: Yes. Evidently Shane asked his papa this very question, making Vince wonder if, since his actions in the church last week offended his son, maybe he offended others out there. Vince answers his own question, saying that no, no he is not going to go to hell, because he was there earlier today, namely in East St. Louis. Hey, it’s the Mick Foley playbook, but backwards! Vince goes on, “I believe in all religions. They’re basically all the same.” Well, except for those that worship Pan, the goat god. Vince, in fact, wants to share his own religion with the huddled masses, a little religion called McMahonism. Vince has been practicing McMahonism for the last forty years, begging the question as to what he practiced the first 20. I am going to go out on a limb and say he was a hedonist. Vince is lord and master of Sportz Entertainment. You know, this sounds suspiciously like Psycho Sidism. Well, except for the lack of a sermon on softball. And the fact that Vince hasn’t crapped his pants during this promo. Yet. Anyway, Vince says there is a point to all of this. What a liar. He says this is America, and that means you have the right to freedom of speech, like he is expressing right now, and the freedom to practice any religion you want. With that in mind, Vince would like to open McMahonism to everyone, just like he did when he took his company public. What a generous man. He will allow everyone to become disciples of McMahonism. However, he knows one man will not convert. Goldberg? No, he means Shawn Michaels. So, at Backlash, after Vince and Shane are through with him, HBK will bow at the feet of Vince. The Chairman asks to be struck down if he is lying and I am shocked that they didn’t use the Undertaker pyro to hit Vince at this point. Vince bellows, “Praise be the glory and the power of Vincent Kennedy McMahon!” The crowd wakes up, making my HBK sense act up. Sure enough, HBK comes from off camera and gives Vince a little Sweet Chin Music. Shawn stops to trash talk for a minute and then hops out of the ring. So does that make Shawn the hand of God?
The first wave of commercials hit and I can’t help but notice that those Christian rock spots from Time-Life have disappeared. World Wrestling Entertainment: Chasing off advertisers for over 20 years!
We are back and Vince s being helped around in the back by a few refs. Trip is also back there and the two conveniently bump into one another. Wait, did Trip just call Vince pop? Trip tries to tell Vince that maybe he should lay off the God stuff, what with all the Christian groups on the attack and all. Vince, however, don’t take kindly to this kind of guff from no man. Hey, Vince called Trip son! Vince says he didn’t appreciate being called a feeble old man last week by Trip, so this week the handicapped matches will continue with Trip taking on Edge and your Champ, John Cena. Trip, not surprisingly, is not pleased.
The walking movie promo known as Kane is out, intro and all. He will be taking on Rob Conway, which leads Joey Styles to comment, “Rob Conway has been everyone’s punching bag of late.” Of late? Hasn’t he been everyone’s punching bag since 2004? Kane smashes Robbie to start, nailing the smug little man with a clothesline, which is followed by Kane tossing him into the corner, which is followed by Kane hitting the choke slam, which is followed by the 1-2-3, which is followed by me wondering how they broke it to Rob he was going to lose in one minute. Well then. Kane then goes to the outside and gets all physical with Lillian Garcia, asking her why she told everyone about May 19. Wait, so she was the piped in voice that tormented Kane from last week? That bitch! Kane has Lillian up for a choke slam, but has to wait awkwardly for Big Show’s music to hit as he waddles out. Kane drops Lillian and the announcers make it sound like she is injured. Show and Kane meet up in the ring and Show has the audacity to ask, “What’s the big deal about May 19?” You know what the big deal is, Show? The Da Vinci Code is the big deal! Signs, signs, everywhere a sign! Oh, wait, Kane does not mention that movie, as he instead grabs Show’s throat, so Show returns the favor and even hits his choke slam in return for last week’s attack by Kane. Coach yells, “They were thicker than thieves!” What the hell does that even mean?
We get a promo for the Backlash main event. The triple threat one, not the McMahon and God one.
A commercial for USA’s other prized show, Nashville Star, is shown to the wrestling audience. So I have watched the first thirty seconds of Nashville Star every week since I started writing this recap and, from what I can tell anyway, the entire show revolves around Cowboy Troy verbally blowing Wynonna Judd. Oh Cowboy Troy, you are such a USA character!
WWE rewind time. The rewind is the whole Haas/Shelton match thingy that happened on Raw last Monday. Wait, is it a rewind if it happened on this show, but it didn’t make the cut?
Vince is in his fake office that he has in every arena around the country. Shelton comes in complaining about the curveball known as Charlie Haas. Vince asks Mr. Benjamin what he expects him to do. Shelton, seeing the light, immediately converts to McMahonism. Does he get to marry the next girl in the McMahon line now?
Back in the ring, and Umaga is already there to greet his opponent, none other than Shawn Michaels. Guess Coach is on ring announcer duties now that Lillian is “injured.” King says Shawn is a religious man, which makes me wonder how he can go along with this entire Vince storyline. Guess he calls timeout during these two hours each week. The two trade punches to start. Shawn bounces off the ropes but runs into a standing clothesline from the fat man. Umaga follows with a body slam, then he stands up Shawn and nails a powerful kick (the Power is Back) and sends Shawn over the top rope. Here comes the lord Vince. Umaga hops on out of the ring to continue the offensive, punches Shawn for a bit, and then goes back to the ring to break up the count. Such intellect for a supposed mindless man beast savage. Coach wonders aloud if Umaga is even a man, and I have to imagine that is going to upset the former Jamal a little upon viewing the replay. Umaga uses Shawn’s hair to toss the Heartbreaking One back into the ring, then hits a knee drop for good measure. Umaga tries some more punch based offense, but Shawn tries to make the comeback by trading blows. Oops, it was one of those false comebacks, as Shawn is once again knocked down. Shawn is thrown into a corner, but Umaga eats a boot upon following the Jesus-blessed one. Shawn then goes for the chops of justice (that is what they are when the face uses them) until Umaga tosses him into the corner again. The fat one goes for the ass smash in the corner, but the real comeback begins when Shawn ducks out of the way, then bounds off the ropes and hits the flying forearm to knock him down. Shawn does his little jump up and then goes up top and nails the elbow drop. That Eric Estrada guy is trying to distract HBK, who is once again still able to move out of Umaga’s path. Uh oh, Umaga finally gets his hands on Shawn and throws him to the corner, leading Shawn to do his upside down in the corner bump thing. Shawn gets stuck in the upside down position, which allows Umaga to smash his knee into Shawn’s face a couple of times. Unfortunately for Umaga he also pushed the ref, leading to his disqualification. Umaga uses his Thumb of Doom on HBK’s throat. “The Lord of Sportz Entertainment,” as Joey calls Vince, then orders Umaga and Estrada to head on out so Vince can finish the job himself. He ties Shawn’s arms up in the ropes and then goes to grab a chair. Then Divine Intervention hits pro wrestling, as pyro goes off on the steps to the ring every time Vince tries to enter. The pyro guy is God! He has been hiding out if the WWE this entire time! What a twist! Vince runs up the ramp, and as he is about to run down and try again, HOLY FIRE lights up the top of the ramp, which is suspiciously in the same place as the regular fire that lights up the ramp during particular intros. The announcers are speechless, as well they should be.
I am still hoping for Jesus and Judas run-ins at Backlash.
During the commercials they once again spoil this show. You guys over at USA and the WWE are just jerks. I hope God pulls a Hogan at the last minute and refuses to job to Vince clean. That’ll learn ’em.
During the commercial break Vince sped off in his limo. It would have been cool if God had been the one driving the limo, ala Undertaker and Stephanie in 1999. “Where to Vince?” Vince screaming like a girl would have made that whole segment worthwhile. Well, probably not.
Here comes Rob Van Dam, intro and all. He has redone his Money in the Bank briefcase, making it look like someone took a tye dye set to it. Seriously Rob, let it go. And now, enter the Squad. The Spirit Squad. This is a five on one handicap match and if the Squad wins RVD’s Money in the Bank contract is on the line against Shelton at Backlash. Ok then. RVD is a house of fire to start, clearing the ring and even using the trampoline on the outside to continue his one man onslaught. Back in the ring and the numbers win out, as the Squad starts the beat down and then hit their toss move, which is now known as the High Spirits according to Joey. Four of the five hold RVD down while Kenny goes up to the top rope and hits his magnificent leg drop. Wow, that was truly magnificent. Do you think God was guiding his movement? He’s here you know. That is all she wrote as the Squad gets the pin and Shelton gets to officially job the IC title to RVD at Backlash. What, you actually think they would let Shelton win the MitB briefcase?
Quick update. We are now 41 minutes into the show and there has been no sign of Chris Masters. Only 19 minutes left and we get to live the dream.
Here comes Trish Stratus, looking just like Mickie James again, even using Mickie’s theme music. Hey, there is another one of those big present boxes in the ring. Wonder who is inside this time? Trish, in her Mickie impersonation, reminds everyone about the present Mickie gave Trish when Mickie was the challenger for the Women’s Title, so Trish figured she would return the favor and calls Mickie out. Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Mickie, looking just like Trish used to look before Trish decided to look like Mickie looked before Mickie decided to look like Trish. Mickie is really good at looking confused. Joey comments that, “[It’s] like Monday Night Raw has become the Twilight Zone.” Oh Joey, that happened years ago when the McMahons’ were on Raw and Nitro simultaneously. Mickie doesn’t think she wants the present, but Trish tells her not to be so ungrateful and has the box lifted up anyway. It’s Trish’s ex-boyfriend, Jack, who is gagged and bound to a chair. Trish explains, “I guess you can say I got you a Jack-in-the-Box.” Zing! Trish asks Jack if he as anything to say and, after Trish removes the gag, Jack gives his insight, “I think both you bitches are crazy! Somebody help me!” That, my friends, was the line of the show. Jack asks to be let go, but Trish responds, “Sorry, my hands are tied, but, then again, so are yours.” Trish tells Mickie that, if she were actually Trish, she would care about Jack. Does that mean that Trish is not actually Trish since she obviously doesn’t care about Jack? Trish continues, saying that if Mickie doesn’t care about Jack, then she isn’t Trish, so she should stop acting, dressing, and pretending to be Trish. Mickie agrees, then screams, “Get your hands off my man!” I laughed out loud at that. Mickie jumps in the ring and goes on the attack, but eats a Main Event Spinebuster for her trouble. Trish’s actual music plays as the former women’s champ exits, leaving Mickie to check on Jack. Mickie’s version of checking on Jack is to yell at him, “You cheated on me! Nobody cheats on me!” and hit him with the Mick Kick.
That was the most entertaining and well written segment on Raw outside of the Cena/Trip/Edge promos in a long time. Crazy Mickie rules this show. I hope this program continues, mostly because there are no other women for these two to fight. Well, there is Victoria, but she obviously doesn’t count anymore.
Before the commercial break we get a promo for the McMahons verses HBK/the Alpha and Omega match at Backlash. I did some research and, from what I have read about TNA, God’s finishing move will be a Muscle Buster.
Back from the break and the Champ…is…here, with a mixed reaction in his wake. King comments, “Every single fan is standing right now.” I am a fan and I am not standing. So its Edge/Cena verses Triple H for those that forgot. Edge and Trip don’t get entrances, meaning one of them will get the win. After the last two weeks, it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out which one. Trip starts out by attacking Cena, which allows Edge to stand around on the ring apron. Trip continues the punches and kicks until Cena throws him into the corner and hits the cradle suplex for a two count. Cena locks on a headlock, showing off his vast array of wrestling moves. The hold is broken and Cena is off the ropes, but Trip knocks him down and begins punching the lost House of Pain member in the head. Trip then does the DX chop and rams his knee into the Champ’s head. Cena gets up and is off the ropes again, ducking a Trip clothesline and hitting his patented shoulder block. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but eats the Main Event Spinebuster from Trip instead. Evidently Joey loves irony, as he exclaims, “Triple H saw that coming.” See, Cena does the “You Can’t See Me” thing before the move, but Trip saw it coming… Anyway, Edge makes the blind tag in, and gets a little too cocky, only to wind up eating the second Man Event Spinebuster of the match. Trip then clotheslines Edge in the corner and follows that with a neck breaker. Edge then eats a face crusher, but is able to muster up a little offense with a kick to Trip’s head. Cena is suddenly back in the ring and he beats Edge down as if Edge’s name was Sega, hitting a clothesline and a belly to belly suplex. Cena then turns around into a Pedigree attempt by Trip, but Cena is able to reverse that into an FU attempt, which Trip is able to wiggle out of, pushing Cena into the ref in the process. Now Edge, Cena and the ref are down, meaning it is time for good old Sledgy to make it’s triumphant return. Trip grabs his weapon of choice from under the ring, then begins to star at it lovingly and fondles it. Just makes you wonder what Trip and Stephanie are into. Trip is back in the ring and looks over at Edge, who falls to the ground pretending to be out of it. Trip takes this at face value and nails Cena, who had just stood up, with his toy, which gives Edge the chance to let Trip slowly set up to take the spear. Trip does just that, and Edge gets the victory by pinning the boss’s son-in-law. Edge even gets his music played as the show goes off the air.
This show left on a positive note, as it was nice to see Edge treated as an equal in the main event scene. The Women’s Title stuff was gold as well, and even the RVD stuff has been interesting. The rest, however, was pretty god awful, pun fully intended. Everything that involved Vince dragged it down. Plus, I am shocked that I actually saw the IC title. Will wonders never cease?
Oh, and no Chris Masters this week. That means it couldn’t have been that bad.
Next week, well, they are out of 2 on 1 pairings, so hopefully they will do something crazy like a tag match where Edge/Cena/Trip take on Mickie/Trish. Mickie can get the win after she knocks Trip out with the Mick Kick, setting up the inevitable blow off match at SummerSlam. Admit it; you would pay to see that.
