Hey hey all. I’m Tom Pandich back in the saddle for Raw this week. For those of you expecting Gaming Zen to make a return this morning well, it’ll be back next week. Raw this week is taped… ugh. I hate re-caping taped shows. All of the fun of wondering whether or not Snitsky would break the Heat barrier to make a triumphant return to Raw is dead. I’ll deal this week, but never again WWE. From now on, I expect you to keep Raw in the United States drawing live crowds upwards of 5000 rather then quintupling that abroad.
So Backlash is only six days away. Tonight we find out if Vince digs himself out of the huge hole he’s dug himself into with the whole God thing, Trish tries to outcrazy Mickie, and “god help anyone who mentions Kane’s movie release date of May 19.” Doesn’t WWE.com know that God has his hands full tagging with Shawn? In any event, I’ll be here all night. You’ll be here all night. Let’s both be here as Raw unfolds.
Before we get started, a big thanks to Mr. Steve Price for covering my ass last week. Finals are a bitch for a English major, mostly considering that “Finals” are really papers that are all due the week before finals.
Let’s start things off with a Wrestlemania 22 rewind where Shawn killed Vinnie Mac. Surprisingly, the middle finger is not blurred. Anywho, fireworks and we are taped from England, England! I’m an ugly American, just consider yourself lucky I can find your country on a map.
Here comes Edge and he’s Rated R. Lita seems to look pretty lame. Edge puts himself over pinning Triple H last Monday. He then puts himself over beating Cena at New Year’s Revolution. So Edge has beaten both Triple H and John Cena. Fantastic! Edge puts himself over as “the clearly superior Canadian”. Hah, it’s funny because it’s true. Edge says after Backlash he’s going to win the WWE Title. Yawn.
Thankfully Triple H comes out with what has become his promo music to a full face reaction. Sign of the night: H(ungry) H(ungry) H(ippo). Triple H says Edge acts like a champion and he was one for three weeks. Triple H says everything about Edge is premature and does a hilarious Edge impression of him not “lasting”. Cute, really cute. The promo moves to Edge talking about how he beat Triple H last week and it turns into Triple H talking about how he’s going to be the 11 time champion.
Edge brings up a good point saying why is he even in this match. Did he call up “the old man” and beg? Triple H says that there’s only one person famous for going down on their knees in the ring. Triple H doesn’t care who he has to go through to win the title whether it be Vince or even his own mother. Here comes Cena with 85% of the crowd against him. Cena and Triple H go at it and Edge bails. Cena dumps Triple H. Triple H is ready to get back into the ring but it’s THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!! They do a terrible cheer announcing that it’ll be a five on three handicap match later tonight as the wacky tag team of Edge, Triple H, and John Cena take on the equally wacky Spirit Squad. Hurrah! Commercials.
Here’s Kevin Nash for your enjoyment. WWE Rewind shows the Matt Striker/Masterpiece beat down of Carlito from last week. Joey Styles tells us that Big Ben refers not to the clock but to the bell inside of the clock. The more you know”¦
Shelton Benjamin, Matt Striker, and Chris Masters vs Carlito, Rob Van Dam, and Charlie Haas: Heel/Face Clusterf*ck PPV Pimp
Heels get dumped in true heel/face clusterf*ck fashion. Yay, time for commercials.
We’re back and during the break RVD got tossed into the steel steps. Masters has RVD in a bear hug which RVD breaks out of before being powerslammed by Masters for 2. Carlito breaks it up and bails. A coward face”¦ neat. Benjamin gets a tag and works RVD over with a modified Camel Clutch. RVD fights out and catches Shelton with a spin kick. Haas gets the tag and dominates. The match breaks down into finishers and such until RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash and gets the pin on Striker.
Winners: Carlito, RVD, and Haas
We’re back and we’re with Vinnie Mac. He talks about how the pyro strikes of God were just technical difficulties and such. He also says that Shane is going to destroy Shawn later tonight.
Elsewhere in backstage land, Big Show confronts Kane trying to take the high road. He mentions when Kane’s movie is coming out which causes Kane to flip out leading to a good old fashion crazy Kane beatdown. Diva thing is up next.
