Despite the last episode of Survivor being centered around Bruce and his unfortunate chain of events, I’m going to focus my column on a different contestant.
So sorry all you haters of Terry Deitz, this is the second consecutive column about this season’s Survivor hero. I use the word ‘hero’ not in the ‘go out and save the word’ context, but rather as the masculine form of the word ‘heroine,’ as is used to define a female protagonist in a work of literature. In my humble view, Terry is the protagonist of Survivor Exile Island.
And when you think deep down about it (and I’m talking REALLY deep), Terry was at the center of the episode. True, he was barely even seen, but everything did happen around him. To give you an analogy, Terry was the sun (which remains relatively stationary), and the other Casaya were the planets revolving around him. And it’s that ‘everything around him’ that means almost literally that this season of Survivor puts Terry at the center of this season’s universe.
To take this analogy one step further (perhaps too far, even), does this mean that Terry will win? I mean, the sun is by far the most important object in our solar system, and without the sun, what are we left with, really? Not much.
To answer that last question I posed, I don’t necessarily think that just because someone is at the center of a season of Survivor means that he/she will win. It could, it could not. Looking back at past ‘suns,’ it’s hit or miss. Richard Hatch, Tom Westman, Romber – they all won their seasons, and were the center of their respective seasons (and one could argue the same for Chris Daugherty). But then again, Vecepia Towery, Sandra Diaz-Twine, and Danni Boatwright were far from being the centers of their season, so go figure.
In case I’m still confusing you with this solar system analogy, let me give evidence to support my case. This past episode, you had Cirie, Danielle, and Aras getting first-class treatment. Shane was being a whiny little bitch. Courtney discovered that people truly dislike her. Bruce became the second person ever to be evacuated due to medical issues. While that happened, Courtney and Shane were still treating each other like children. When the others returned from their spa, Shane flipped out and solidified an alliance, hence leaving two others out in the cold. Sounds like en enthralling episode, huh?
And where was Terry during all this? Alone on his private island whose very name implies that others don’t like you. Exile Island means “this is a place you go if you have no friends.” He was miles away from all this action, thinking to himself with a smug gap-toothed smile ‘I’m gonna win this, dammit!’ He was probably thinking of ways to spend his money.
I personally don’t think I would have taken the reward challenge as well as Terry did. It was blatantly obvious that people did not want him to be there at all. They went out of their way to make sure Terry was excluded, like those bitches you probably know from middle school.
(Dora stops and starts taking deep breaths to calm herself down and prevent the water works.)
All better now. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about this reward challenge. Traditionally known as the ‘three chops challenge,’ it also known as the ‘least objectionable challenge,’ as the person who is least objectionable always wins it. As soon as the challenge started, I said to my viewing friends ‘Cirie’s going to win.’ Sometimes, it IS that easy.
Did anyone else find those questions to be exceptionally … probing? I thought they were downright mean spirited, intended to cause conflict. Here’s the lessons we learned: Courtney is a mean obnoxious bitch who no one likes. No one thinks Danielle deserves to be there. Shane has too big a head/ego. Cirie, although incapable of living on her own in the wild, is respected by everyone else as the person they’d trust the most. Both points here are perfectly fitting for Cirie. The only challenge she can win is the one that requires no physical ability (she could barely slice through a rope. Insert your own Jamie Newton joke), and is clearly most liked (more like ‘least hated’), hence why she won, and why people trust her with their lives. Think about it, who else could you like/trust: Terry (who’s always better than you), Bruce (who’s just there), Danielle (who’s had ‘tude problems lately), Aras (it’s Aras), Courtney (obnoxious, to stop at only one insult), or Shane (control freak).
I’ll take ‘the nurse who’s funny and won’t prevent me from winning challenges’ for $400, Alex.
Well kids, that’s all I have to contribute. So it’s time for my favorite part: The Rundown. As always, the usual disclaimer is that this ranks each contestant’s chances of being Sole Survivor, relative to everyone else, based on current level of gameplay. This week, the Rundown is two-fold. It not only ranks likelihood of winning, but I’m going out on a limp that is sure to extract hate mail and letter bombs. I’m also ranking them based on my own personal prediction of when they’ll be sent packing. So it’d also a boot order. Enjoy!
Loser’s Lounge:
16- Tina Scheer
15- Melinda Hyder
14- Misty Giles
13- Ruth Marie Milliman
12- Bobby Mason
11- Dan Berry
10- Nick Stanbury
Jury Hole:
9- Austin Carty
8- Sally Schumann
7- Bruce Kanegai (6). Constipation is a serious issue in senior citizens (55 or older). It just sucks that constipation was what caused Bruce’s unfortunate accident, and elimination from the game. If you’re going to be hauled out of Survivor, at least let it be by something cool like an alligator bite, wildebeest charge, or a mishap in the ‘glass eating immunity challenge.’ Something that, although you leave, you’re still known as ‘that awesome guy who fell 60 feet out of a tree and lived.’ Hell even Mike Skupin from the Outback FELL INTO A BLAZING FIRE! Bruce just couldn’t poop. It’s good for Bruce too, because I’ve been riding him in recent weeks about his lack of participation, and now he’s instantly a highlight from this season. He’s an official part of significant Survivor history. Way to go, Bruce!
On a side note, what happens if he can’t make the jury? Would Nick, the last person not to make the jury, replace him, or would they continue with only six on the jury? In case you’re not too math savvy, six is an even number, meaning its divisible by two. What if each person received only three votes? That would be an awesome wrench thrown into this grand scheme. I’ll leave you with that to ponder.
—————————
6- Courtney Marit (4). Wow, did she take a hit this week. I though at least SOMEONE was on her side. Apparently, that’s not so. It just flat-out does not look good for her. Her only possible saving grace is the possibility that someone sees her as perfect final two bait. Unless of course, that whole thing with Shane, Cirie, and Aras was a load, or Terry sees this as a perfect way to get the girls on his side. Let’s wait and see.
5- Aras Baskauskas (7). I just really want him to leave. Hopefully at least three other contestants share those sentiments.
4- Danielle DiLorenzo (3). I had to penalize her because by sheer numbers, she’s on the outside of an alliance. I still think she’s capable of pulling something out of her ass, but she may need some luck to achieve it. I don’t think she’s a target per se at this pointso she’s at least got that going for her.
3- Shane Powers (5). Okay, he’s a jerk, but a knowledgeable player nonetheless. He’s also a control freak, with numerous tattoos and he’s a loving father. Does this description sound familiar? It should, it’s pretty much the exact same for Lex van den Berghe, who also placed third. I’m predicting bronze for Mr. Powers as well. For the second consecutive week, Shane increases his rank. He was also a top candidate for Player of the Week Honors. Okay, he was whiny at the reward challenge. But he used that to his advantage to make a deal with Cirie and Aras. When Lex was faced with Kelly switching sides, he immediately went to Brandon, and that was what allowed Lex’s tribe to take it to the final four. You can be a douchebag, but it’s how you react to sticky situations that shows how good a player you really are. Whether Shane overreacted intentionally to gain favor, or it just coincidentally happened that way, it worked nonetheless.
2- Cirie Fields (2). Cirie was used to solidify an alliance last week, and it worked out well for her. But also recall how negative she was when Aras and Shane were talking. Cirie was more than open with Danielle at this time, and chances are Cirie is the only one who Danielle may be able to trust in this game. Cirie still has options: stick with the guys until the end, or wait it out with Danielle. Either way, I still don’t see her going anywhere before the final four. She should be proud of her performance thus far, in addition to the prospects of making it even further, as she is only the second black woman ever to make it to the final six. Cirie is also no threat to anyone with regard to challenges, so keeping her around might not be a bad idea. The only caveat: Cirie is the most liked (least hated) person on the island, and that MAY end up biting her in the ass because people might not be willing to face off against her in front of the jury.
1- Terry Deitz (1). Player of the Week honors, folks! I think I explained as to why already. While everything else was happening, Terry was off in his own world. Sometimes it’s doing nothing that counts way more than doing anything. Terry has to take this week by week, and he’s doing just that. Whatever he can do to not be voted out/use his talisman, then that is just fine. So he’s in the final six, guaranteed AT LEAST one more week, into the final five. He’s probably got a couple more immunity victories up his sleeve, and that’s what he’s going to have to rely on. Of course, it always helps when someone else leaves the game, and you’re not even required to earn the immunity, because everyone gets a free pass. To sum it all up, Terry’s doing just fine; no need to worry (unless of course you don’t like him).
Well kids, it’s time to celebrate a friend’s 21st birthday. I bet you can guess that I’m going to the bar. And yes, I did delay going to the bar so I could finish this column. Ain’t I awesome?
Until next time, when we discuss common unjustified overreactions of police officers when I (er, someone I know) back into their parked car, stay cool
~Dora
