The SmarK DVD Rant for Roseanne: The Complete Third Season
This is pretty much the peak of the show, in my opinion, as the writing in the second season elevated it to something really special, and as a result the show was enjoying its highest ratings and funniest stories at this point.
Once again, Anchor Bay has left them uncut this time, so it’s truly a “complete” season, unlike the first set.
Disc One
– “The Test” Roseanne’s desire to write again (which ended the second season) is already forgotten, as Becky wants to drive and Dan wants a peaceful weekend, but a pregnancy test for Roseanne makes either dream unlikely to happen. Quite the mullet on Jackie to start season 3. And with 10:00 to wait for the results of the test, we get some real-time tension, the likes of which are not to be seen again until 24’s debut 10 years later. Becky leads the drama queen charge, immediately concerned with the ramifications for herself. This season is also the first time that Michael Fishman is old enough to learn lines, so his part is immediately expanded here and he sounds like a real person for the first time. And of course the test is negative, and everyone is unsure of how they feel about that.
– “Friends & Relatives” It’s an exciting time for the Conner household, as they get a microwave! Hey, it was 1990, it was still a fairly big deal back then. Dan, meanwhile, lends Arnie (still tolerable in small doses at that point) $1500, which is probably asking for trouble, mainly from Roseanne. In the other crisis of the week, budding pervert DJ is peeping at his sisters in the shower, which prompts more drama from Becky. Of course, when we learn what Arnie spent the $1500 on, it’s freakout time for Roseanne too. So things turn in Shakespearean comedy, with Roseanne, Dan, Jackie and the bank all trading the money and getting all bothered because he can’t support his family. The DJ stuff is great and really showed the direction the kid was headed in.
– “Like A Virgin” Probably one of my favorite episodes ever. Dan and Roseanne fear it’s time to have The Talk with Becky (“You’re such a virgin, Darlene. At least I’m anatomically correct.”) Jackie is of course the resident expert on birth control and how each individual type works in every situation. However, Darlene makes a move on an unsuspecting classmate (hereafter to be named Brian The Groper) and suddenly Roseanne realizes that someone else needs The Talk as well. Dan’s pair of delayed reactions to the kids on the couch, first an oblivious “Oh, you two have been wrestling, huh?” and then a far more impassioned decision to kill the young man, are why he was such a genius on this show. Awkward moments for 25 minutes add up to a classic.
– “Like a New Job” Roseanne begins the next phase of her employment, taking a waitress job at a diner, which she actually keeps for a while. Relatively speaking. Her waitressing skills are of course right up there with her awe-inspiring housekeeping and diplomatic skills, and horrify Becky to no end. CASTING TRIVIA #1: Becky’s friend at the diner is played by Allison Hannigan. Dan shows off his parenting skills in Roseanne’s absence by sending Darlene to live in the basement, which has Roseanne worried that her daughters will suffer for all time. In reality, it’s her freakish control issues again, which is why she rigs the situation to put the sisters back together again, thus showing who will always win the war of wits in that family. Another favorite of mine.
– “Goodbye, Mr. Right” The Gary era for Jackie comes to an end along with her brief police career, as she gets injured while responding to a 311 compounded with a 929. Gary turns out to be not as OK with her dangerous cop lifestyle as he thought. We learn that DJ is even weirder than previously suspected, as a box of doll parts indicates. Jackie quits the force rather than take a desk job, which results in a hilarious argument with Roseanne (“I had to work on Dan for years, do you think he came out of the box like that?”) and Dan & Gary have a nice guy moment as he leaves the show.
– “Becky, Beds & Boys” Dan has mattress trouble in a rare pre-credits sequence, setting up the main plot of the show. And in a historic moment, Becky’s latest scummy boyfriend is (drumroll please) Mark Healy, her future husband. And he immediately irritates everyone, thus guaranteeing that Becky will love him. And when Dan & Roseanne bump into him in the bar, drinking, Mark endears himself further. He’s such a bad boy, and a total wank in his first few appearances. Becky promises to never, ever see him again, but he sticks around for another six seasons, so obviously that plan didn’t work.
– “Trick or Treat” Halloween episode! Roseanne is mystified by male behavior, which DJ is apparently curious about female behavior and dresses like a witch. Dan of course insists that he’s a WARLOCK, but the kid wants a broom. Too bad Harry Potter wasn’t around back then to bail him out. Dan as the Three Stooges is great, but Roseanne steals the show as “Bob,” actually looking totally convincing as a lumberjack. And while hanging out at the bar and shooting pool with the guys, she learns about urinals and what guys really talk about when women aren’t around. Another great one as the show was really hitting its stride at this point.
Disc Two
– “PMS, I Love You.” Another pre-credits sequence sees Dan worrying about PMS in an “Apocalypse Now” parody. Sadly, this horrific time for everyone coincides with Dan’s birthday party. And thus begins the nightmare for everyone, as Roseanne is nearly psychotic with hormones and of course steals the show, although Dan chewing the scenery as her hapless victim is a close second. The birthday party from hell of course writes itself, as it degenerates into a funeral procession. Brilliant stuff.
– “Bird Is The Word” Becky becomes a school hero when she gives the finger during the school picture, but Dan & Roseanne are less impressed, although not mad enough to punish her or anything. But when the school drags Roseanne in to see the principal, who happens to be Dann Florek from Law & Order, she gets a little more involved. And when it turns out that Becky isn’t the rebel that she portrays herself to be, THEN it’s trouble. Just a filler ep.
– “Dream Lover” It’s that special night of the week for the happy couple (and I’m not talking about a little show called Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman) but Dan stays out late drinking instead, thus earning the Wrath of Rosie. You’d think he’d learn after 17 years. She thinks he’s having an affair, but he stupidly admits that he’s just been dreaming about a woman who works at the hardware store. Of course, Roseanne has to meet her, and she turns out to be just like Roseanne. CASTING TRIVIA #2: Patrika Darbo, who plays Dan’s dream woman, went on to play Roseanne herself in a TV movie later in the decade. Dan and Roseanne’s problems lead to one of those incredibly awkward conversations that people sometimes have to have in real life.
– “Do You Know Where Your Parents Are?” The girls break curfew for the millionth time, so Dan & Roseanne decides to try the sitcom trick of turning the tables on them by staying out all night. And of course the kids do nothing but watch TV, so they’re hip to the room and the double-cross becomes a triple-cross, and no one learns anything.
– “Confessions” Roseanne’s mom comes to visit again, and which Becky loves and everyone else hates. Mom is in a good mood, so the sisters trade confessions until it’s another war of words. It’s always funny to see Roseanne all weird and defensive when Bev is around, but there’s not much to this episode.
– “The Courtship of Eddie, Dan’s Father.” It’s another parental visit, this time from Ed Conner. Roseanne tries to set Crystal up with a loser from the diner, but she’s got her eyes (and lips) on Ed instead, thus paying off the hints from the first two seasons. Continuity note: Ed gives the family a VCR as a present, but they already got one in the second season, unless they broke it. Roseanne is getting really big and afro-permed at this point of the season. So it turns out that Ed & Crystal have been sneaking around since the last Thanksgiving episode, and want to get married. Dan doesn’t take it very well.
– “The Wedding” Roseanne of course takes over the wedding prep, while Ed tries to bond with Crystal’s son Lonnie, failing miserably. Uptight Crystal has a rough time getting ribbed at the bridal shower, and we learn that she’s pregnant. Dan being aloof is hilarious, and when Crystal compounds his anguish with the pregnancy, you can just see his will to live draining away. John Goodman is so great here. But of course, Dan’s a stand-up guy and he’s there as Ed’s best man, even if he doesn’t approve. And thus Crystal becomes Dan’s mommy.
Disc Three
– “Becky Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” Becky is in full-on teen drama queen mode, snotty at the world. And when the catalyst is revealed to be Mark the Bad Boy, Becky runs away and moves in with Jackie. This sets of Roseanne’s control freak nature again, but it takes Darlene to point out what a selfish brat Becky is being. Mark is getting a lot of screen time for a guy with two episodes credited for the year.
– “Home Ec” Another classic. Roseanne gets offended when Darlene’s school offers Dan a chance to speak at Career Day, but not her. She shows up to talk to Darlene’s Home Economics class. CASTING TRIVIA #3: The kid sitting next to Darlene without any lines is Leo Dicaprio. So Roseanne takes the class on a field trip to the grocery store for a lesson on the realities of shopping on a budget (“You mean I’ve been eating generic Frankenberries all this time?”). Meanwhile, DJ deals with a bully by using extortion via Twinkies, showing that he’s not only weird, but a genius as well.
– “Valentine’s Day” Darlene is trying to hook a sophomore, while Dan is stuck buying lingerie for Roseanne on Valentine’s Day. That’s a position no man should be put in. Speaking of bad positions, Darlene’s poor guy gets stuck alone with Roseanne as everyone struggles not to totally crack up on camera. It’s mostly successful, but outtakes in the credits later on show that it was a close call. And then another big moment, as we meet Roseanne’s new boss at the diner, Leon Karp, as played by Martin Mull. CASTING TRIVIA #4: Barry’s friend at the diner is Tobey Maguire. Of course Barry wants Becky instead of Darlene, even after Darlene’s superhuman efforts to win him over, and Roseanne has to save the day again. Great stuff.
– “Communicable Theater” Dan is sick and Jackie is doing community theater, and gets called up to be Roxanne in Cyrano De Bergerac. But of course she hasn’t actually bothered to memorize the lines in the most famous scene. Dan’s overblown sickness makes him the better actor of the pair by far. A very funny bit sees Roseanne coaching Jackie through the play ala the play itself. Oh, tricky.
– “Vegas Interruptus” Roseanne & Dan are ready for a Vegas trip, while the girls plan a party which Dan of course knows NOTHING about. Sadly, Leon has Roseanne scheduled for the weekend, so she has to choose between her job and the trip. Mark continues to haunt us off-screen, while it’s the battle of Darlene’s almost-boyfriends: Brian the Groper and Barry the Sophomore. Becky’s mortified “They were fighting over YOU?” wins the day here. Roseanne and Dan get snowed in at the airport, thus solving Roseanne’s job dilemma.
– “Her Boyfriend’s Back” Becky is pushing for a car, which of course they can’t afford. Roseanne is anxious to ride Dan’s precious motorcycle…but Mark and Becky take it out for a spin, thus hurting Dan’s feelings. Especially when Mark adjusts the carb. The inevitable meeting of the minds between Roseanne and Mark humanizes the monster a bit (next to her, who wouldn’t look like a normal person?) before he gets added to the regular cast. Thankfully his pompadour didn’t last too much longer.
– “Troubles With the Rubbles” Thankfully Roseanne’s hair is now approaching normal again as we meet the Bowmans, their new neighbors. The wife is snooty and upper-class, which gives Roseanne yet another target for her irritation. Especially since they live in the exact same house, cleverly redressed by the set makers into an upscale version of the Conner house. Roseanne v. Needle Butt would continue for quite a while.
Disc Four
– “Second Time Around” Dan nearly gets killed in a freak porta-potty accident, and he starts thinking about death and stuff. Jackie gets offended when they don’t want her to have the kids, but a flashback at Crystal’s Lamaze class shows that Roseanne had a much different attitude when the kids were being born.
– “Dances With Darlene” Becky and Jackie debut their super-short haircuts here, as Barry returns to ask Darlene to a school dance. Cue Roseanne’s control freak nature, as she takes over planning of what Darlene will wear, leading to a hilarious montage of a frustrated Darlene having to endure her mother’s criticisms. Roseanne gets interviewed at work by a head office rep who wants Leon, but that proved to be a lost cause. Funny continuity note: Roseanne makes an offhand joke about how Darlene should get revenge on her by finding out if Mark has a little brother. Man, she’s got no one to blame but herself for THAT one. Leon’s gayosity is revealed at the end of the episode, paying off the storyline.
– “Scenes from a Barbeque” It’s Mother’s Day, and we meet Nana Mary, played by the wonderful Shelley Winters. Not really an episode with plot or anything, as they hang out and have lots of nice moments, like Dan and Chuck arguing over proper placement of the coals and Mary hiding her top secret potato salad recipe from Roseanne (“Ah, it’s got tabasco sauce in it.” “No, I’m just making myself a Bloody Mary.”) Becky has long hair again, so obviously this was aired out of sequence. The network must have hated this one, because there’s no conflict or problem to be resolved. Just a nice, funny episode.
– “The Pied Piper of Lanford” Ziggy the Biker returns and boffs Jackie before the credits even start. Now that’s a real man. Seems that he’s been pimping rides for rich squares, and he’s got some cash saved up. Becky gets caught crushing on him, which provides endless horrified Becky moments. When Dan and Ziggy announce that they’re buying a motorcycle shop together, it means a second mortgage and probably more trust in the Zigmeister than is smart. And of course, he flakes out and bails on them, leaving Dan to hire Mark as his mechanic and go it alone, albeit with Ziggy’s money to help out. And that’s season 3.
Even better than the second season, which is saying something, although once Becky leaves it starts to go downhill fast. Still, this is the prime of the show, and sitcom fans should definitely check it out.
The Video
Pretty much standard TV fare, as it doesn’t look like Anchor Bay made any great effort in remastering this for DVD. Colors are pretty washed out and there’s lots of obvious noise issues with the transfer. Given the age of the show it’s tough to expect much more, but I’ve definitely seen better.
The Audio
Just plain old stereo, although it’s rarely actually used. Dialogue is clear, however, so it serves the purpose needed.
The Extras
Everything is on the fourth disc again.
Extras include interviews with Laurie Metcalf (running 8:00) and Lecy Goranson (ditto), who now sounds like a pot smoker and is sporting a big tattoo on her arm. What happened to HER? You also get a “best of season 3” montage and promo for Roseanne’s new kids video series.
The Ratings
The Film: ****1/2
The Video: **1/2
The Audio: **
The Extras: **1/2
