First off, I apologize for the lateness of this week’s column. Mike McConnell was on time, though, with his Hamill blogs this week: 13 | 14
The Show
The episode opens, as usual, with a recap of last week. My column opens, as usual, by saying that “as usual” there is a fight recap. Kendall Groves won his Middleweight fight for Team DAGGER by defeating Ross Pointon, and Team Ortiz has the HAMMAH.
This week, Shamrock is shown with his team post-fight. Ken says there’s no problem. He believes any of his LHW’s can beat any of Tito’s. Tait has no idea what’s going to happen.
Team Ortiz Training
Team Ortiz is training hard as usual. Tito says his team’s confidence, conditioning, everything has improved in the time they’ve spent together. He says his fighters trust him and they aren’t doubting his training techniques.
At Home
In the morning, Mike Nickels makes fun of Bisping’s rather boisterous laugh. Bisping makes a note of this. After Team Shamrock leaves, he says to his teammates that Mike was mocking him and is a “f*cking dick” who looks like “death warmed up.” He makes fun of his tattoos, which, I’m sure, went over as well with the rest of the internet audience as it did with me. Bisping promises to drive the other team crazy that night. “I’m gonna be up with the lights on, screaming my head off.” He says he’d love to fight Mike.
Team Shamrock Training
Not surprisingly, Team Shamrock doesn’t train today. They watch tapes of UFC events that Tait says they’ve seen “a thousand times.” Mike says that they’re training by themselves most of the time, even if Ken isn’t putting in quality gym time with them. Kristian says he’s envious of Tito’s training regimen.
Team Ortiz Training
Tito says Matt is getting better and better. Bisping and others are concerned that Matt is too intense in training, and Bisping gets angry about it. Matt and Bisping have a small confrontation, but Tito diffuses the situation quickly, with talk of how they’re a team. He says that aggression can only go so far in training, and that they have to help each other. Bisping, in the video interview, says he’s pissed off [not just pissed, that comes later] that people have predetermined Matt to win. He sees himself and Matt in the finals.
At Home
Bisping–in glasses and a sweater–looking really badass, as most men in glasses and sweaters do–and Noah are talking about Matt going 100% in training, all the time, in spite of his $500 an hour interpreter telling him that they’re asking him to go 60% in training. They presume Matt just doesn’t care and is going to do what he wants.
Bisping and his friends go outside on the deck and Bisping starts drinking. I’m not really sure what’s going on at the beginning, but he’s sort of rapping about being the Count of Monte Cristo or something and he says, “Fuck all y’all bitches,” American-style at the end and I was amused.
Bisping says he’s annoyed by the “team” element of the competition and lets everyone know that he came here for himself, his children, and his girlfriend. He’s still pissed [not drunk, well, he is drunk, but he’s angry too] that he’s Matt’s training partner when it’s clear to him that Tito’s grooming Matt to be the champ. Bisping says he’s never been beaten in his life, and, indeed, his record shows him undefeated. At the end of the scene, he’s talking directly to the camera about all this and breaking the fourth wall like nobody’s business. When he’s finished, he covers the camera with his hand and says “I’mma smash that camera over your f*cking head,” in a very light-hearted, Bispingesque way. Even when he’s angry, he’s hilarious.
At Home – Morning
Bisping wakes up and starts growling like a T-Rex and grabbing Tait’s head and wrestling a little. In the video interview, he says he’s sorry for getting “pissed” [drunk, not angry] during this chance of a lifetime, and he apologizes to everyone.
It is at this point that I start to miss Team Dagger. No one has said “DAGGER!” at all during this episode and I’m sort of unnerved.
Nickels says he’s “not sure why” Bisping is gunning for him. Well, the rest of us are pretty sure. He hates your tattoos and your scrawny pale self and he’s angry that you mocked his laugh.
Fight Announcement.
Tito says it’ll be… Bisping [Shelly says “YAY!”]… vs… Kristian [Shelly says “Aww, he’s gonna f*cking maul him.”]
Ken says Kristian should get the takedown and just pound Bisping. Kristian says Bisping is “goin’ down,” and Solomon says Ortiz is underestimating Kristian. But really, I think they’re all just trying to cover up how ridiculously much Bisping is going to own Kristian.
Commercials! The Matt Hughes Xyience commercial doesn’t scare me like the Franklin one does.
Team Ortiz Training
Bisping says he’s predominantly a striker and that he finishes his fights real quick, in devastating fashion. He says he’s always wondered how he’d fare against Americans, since the MMA level in England is “supposedly lower.” Kristian is his first American, and during this training session, he works on his BJJ with Lister.
At Home
Mike is training with Kristian as Ken gave them the morning off. Surprise? They’re outside beating up trees and jumping over bushes. Like they’re in a movie about overcoming adversity or something.
Weight Cutting – Kristian
On the way to the gym, in the van, Kristian says “Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?” but I have no idea what the context is beyond “Hey, Kristian’s a crazy guy who recites Shakespeare and poetry at random for no reason.” Ed says Kristian is “trippy.” Kristian begins reciting the spoken lines from Faith No More’s “Just a Man.” He only gets a few lines in before they edit to something else, but the whole segment goes this way:
Man was born to love –
Though often he has sought
Like Icarus, to fly too high –
And far too lonely than he ought
To kiss the sun of east and west
And hold the world at his behest –
To hold the terrible power
To whom only gods are blessed –
But me, I am just a man
And is a fantastic song on an amazing album [King for a Day, Fool For A Lifetime] and you should all buy it. Now I’m sort of sad that I’ll have to watch Kristian get beat down, since he’s got apparently good taste in music.
Kristian in his video interview says that everyone fights with a grand motive. He talks about New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina, how he lost everything and his father died. He says his loss is not more severe than anyone else’s loss and that he’s not fighting to avenge death, but because he loves to fight.
Kristian cuts his weight at the gym. In the van on the way home, he starts reciting poetry again, but the guys don’t like it much, so they start beatboxing to make it interesting. Pretty funny. Something about Kristian being wack and sitting in the back.
At Home
Kristian is smoking a cigar outside. His housemates say his cardio isn’t so good, anyway. Kristian says he doesn’t “ingest” the cigars. Bisping doesn’t think smoking and drinking lemonade is a good way to prepare for a fight when Kristian is in bad condition to begin with.
Team Shamrock Training
Ken says his team complains about their training and says Tito does this and that and he thinks his team feels Tito’s team is stronger. He says he needs to change that. Ken asks them if they have a problem and nobody says a damn thing, in spite of, for three episodes now, bitching constantly to each other and in video interviews about Ken’s training.
Kalib, in a video interview here, says that they could put him under the “careful tutelage of Carrot Top” because he doesn’t care who his coach is.
Ken says he won’t train that hard in the gym, and basically says that the guys should be training like fighters on their own and that they should be at that point by now.
Kristian comments that he wants to submit Bisping and control him on the ground.
Weigh In
Bisping wears sunglasses and comes in at 204 1/2. Tito says Bisping has good submissions (during practice, he was the only guy who almost caught him) and great striking. Kristian doesn’t wear sunglasses and comes in at 204. Tito says the fight is going to come down to who is ready.
At Home
Ed drains Bisping’s first cauliflower ear. This is a great scene. Bisping says things like, “I’m letting a drunk redneck come after me with a syringe?!” repeatedly says that it hurts, and complains a lot. Bisping talks about all the job’s he’s had during his life, and he says he’s going to win for his family.
Fight Day
Bisping doesn’t think Kristian is in his class. Kristian says Bisping underestimates him and that it won’t be easy, but he’s gonna put him away in the first round. Bisping says of Kristian: “Rolling around in a field, smoking dope… seems more like his cup of tea.”
Kristian says he’s a “natural born killer.” That’s lame. Coors Light sponsors the “cold, hard facts” that used to be the “tale of the tape,” and that’s pretty lame, too.
The Fight
Bisping starts off with this beautiful high kick that doesn’t really do much except look beautiful, then Kristian goes for a takedown and Bisping sprawls beautifully, and it is beautiful. Kristian and Bisping sort of kick at each other, and Bisping falls down, but scampers back up immediately.
Kristian takes Bisping down and does virtually nothing with his position, as Bisping gets up fast, and, on the way up, knees Kristian in the head which opens up a gash above his forehead. Kristian bleeds everywhere. Bisping strikes well with punches and kicks and Kristian takes him down again. Kristian goes into Bisping’s guard, and Tito instructs Bisping to throw elbows. So, for a while, Bisping hits Kristian with elbows from the bottom, while Kristian just mercilessly bleeds all over Bisping’s chest and does little else. Tito yells that Bisping is scoring points with the elbow blows.
With 2:15 left, McCarthy stands the fighters up and has Kristian cleaned up, but he just starts pouring blood again. Bisping looks absolutely fresh, and Kristian, due to either bad cardio or too many strikes to the head, is staggering around slowly looking absolutely exhausted. Bisping just keeps connecting with punches to the head before catching Kristian with a good one which knocks him down. McCarthy stops the fight.
Tito says that Bisping hit Kristian with “like 20 different shots.” Ken says that Kristian lost focus the minute he stepped into the octagon.
Bisping says that he didn’t wish harm on Kristian and the fact that he wasn’t trying to hurt him or cut him up.
Buffer announces that Bisping is the winner “… by knockout,” to which Bisping shouts, “as usual!”
Kristian is still bleeding outside during his exit interview, which you can see in full at SpikeTV.com. He says that Bisping “sure felt superior when he hit me in the head. I felt like I was one step behind the entire fight.”
That’s the way it looked, too.
Our LHW winner is Mike Bisping, via knockout in the first round. Kristian Rothaermel is eliminated, so I can stop mispelling his name in the team recaps.
Team Ortiz keeps the HAMMAH. Team Shamrock has two LHWs left. Team Ortiz has four.
The Teams
Team Ortiz
Middleweights: Danny Abbadi, Rory Singer, Kendall Groves.
Light Heavyweights: Matt Hamill, Michael Bisping, Josh Haynes, Noah Inhofer.
Team Shamrock
Middleweights: Kalib Starnes, Solomon Hutcherson, Ed Herman.
Light Heavyweights: Tait Fletcher, Mike Nickels.
