Ric Flair vs. Umaga
PK: Umaga is SUPER lame…but if a win will help get Armando (haha) Alejandro (haha) Estrada over, I’ll take it in stride. Please, if your going to do this dumb gimmick, atleast hire another big Samoan and make the New Wild Samoans or New Headshrinkers.
Winner – Umaga
Eric Szulczewski: After the YouTube video, Jamalga just seems to be a lot cooler. Making fun of this bullshit character, getting blotto with Cena, Carly, Osama, and the boys, and initiating Johnny Jeter actually helps him in re the smark opinion. If he’s not buying into it, neither should we, and we can all have a little fun. Otherwise, we know that Flair will sell for anyone, and that Jamalga is going to be on the receiving end of a secondary-title-level push within the next couple months (everything in the secondary realm is up for grabs after ONS, so why not?).
Winner – Jamalga
Matthew Michaels: OOOOOOOMAGA!
Winner – OOOOOOOMAGA!
J.J. Botter: This is a no-brainer. Umaga should be built as unstoppable, a complete monster, and even having Flair get the upper hand on him this past Monday was too much. Umaga should win this one and win it decisively. I like Flair just as much as the next guy, but he’s almost 100 and shouldn’t be used for anything more than building up younger stars.
Winner – Umaga
Iain Burnside: As sad as it is to say in 2006, Flair is still one of the only faces on Raw capable of working a title program that anybody would give a shit about – particularly with HBK and RVD soon going elsewhere for very different reasons. This means jobbing out the new guy, which usually would be a bad thing but in Um Bongo’s case turns out to be mildly pleasant. I’d still mark out for a phoney Muscle Buster though…
Winner – Ric Flair
Mark Neeley: I don’t think they would have brought Jamal in and start this feud with Flair and then just do the PPV job. Then again, Flair is due for a win, but I see him putting Jamal over here.
Winner – Umaga
Danny Wallace: There goes my theory of opening a PPV with a hot match (assuming this is on first). It’s good to see that Flair’s willing to help put new people over. Putting Umaga over might just overstep the line a little though.
Winner – Umaga
Patrick Kellenberger: Umaga will get the win here to help build this rising star all the way up to the main event of Heat in two months. I am sure that Estrada guy will be involved with the finish, probably costing Flair the match through the underhanded use of his cigars. The bastard.
Winner – The Fat One
Dwayne: Hey, remember Ric Flair? I hear he used to be the greatest wrestler alive. Even held the World title a couple times and wrestled for a title shot just under a month ago. Nah, my memory must be playing tricks on me.
Winner – Umaga
Chris Masters vs. Carlito
PK: This is a clash of 2 of my favorite new SuperStars. Who knows who will win, however, my vote is for Masters, simply on the fact that I think this will be prolonged a bit further…plus Carlito wont be face…even ‘tweener face…for very long.
Winner – Masterpiece
Eric Szulczewski: Still don’t give a shit about Carly. Won’t give a shit about him unless he suddenly morphs into Chris Sabin. However, apathy beats out antipathy every time.
Winner – Carly Colon
Matthew Michaels: Masters has nowhere to go BUT he’s naturally big, so…
Winner – Can’t do it. CARLITO with the win!
J.J. Botter: They should blow this off, and do it now, because Chris Masters is never going to be over. He might be huge, but that isn’t enough to get him over. Carlito has personality, charisma, and is pretty decent in the ring. He goes over here.
Winner – Carlito
Iain Burnside: Hopefully the combination of the growing fan support for Carlito and dwindling muscle definition under the Wellness Program means that Masters is on a one-way ticket to online, pre-show pastures. We might even get the bonus extra of Carlito continuing to give a shit about his workrate. The future is a bit unclear, but the winner here is pretty certain…
Winner – Carlito
Mark Neeley: Tough one to call, although I’m glad they are finally embracing this off and on feud that has been going on for four months, since it started at New Year’s Revolution. I see Carlito going over via schoolboy.
Winner – Carlito
Danny Wallace: If the crowds hot for Carlito, then this might just be the sleeper of the night, entertainment-wise. A Carlito win is needed more than a Masters win at this point, so I’m backing Carly.
Winner – Carlito
Patrick Kellenberger: Carlito gets the win here by “outsmarting” the Masterpiece(ofcrap). This will probably entail the use of aluminum foil, its shiny surface distracting Masters long enough for Carly to get the pin.
Winner – The Hairy One
Dwayne: Carlito needs a win to solidify himself as an over face, and he will get one against the meathead. Carlito will win by cheating somehow.
Winner – Carlito
Mickie James (c) vs. Trish Stratus – Woman’s Title
PK: Please, please, PLEASE…let Mickie run with the title for a while.
Winner – Mickie
Eric Szulczewski: Okay, I’ll join in the chorus of praise for this angle (actually, I have, but no one noticed). Well-constructed, marvelously executed, and it’s upped my opinion of LaJames’ ability. She is a more complete package than I expected. Now they have to figure out how much is left in it. Not much, really. They’ve just about tapped out every permutation except one, and that’s a double-turn. We all know how cool Evil Trish is, so that’s fine by me (although there’s still some skepticism as per LaJames’ ability to play face). Can they get another PPV out of this one and blow it off at Vengeance? I don’t think so, but you’d have to blow this off with a Trish win, and I don’t think they want to end LaJames’ title reign at this point. And who do they transition to? They’ve turned Victoria into a Diva and there’s no one else who can wrestle. Enjoy it while it lasts, folks, because when the crash comes, it’ll come hard.
Winner – MickieLexis LaJames
Matthew Michaels: I love this feud and the only way to keep it going is for the heel to keep the strap. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if this eventually turns into a ‘double-turn’ and Mickie getting sane with Trish going off the deep end. I love it.
Winner – Mickie
J.J. Botter: They have to keep this program going, if only because they’re the only two people in the Women’s division who can actually wrestle. I’d rather see two years of them going at each other than either one of them facing Torri Wilson or Candice or anyone else.
Winner – Mickie James
Iain Burnside: Here we are, the one feud on Raw that you lot seem to all care about and yet it leaves me rather bored. Even as a big fan of Trish, I just can’t even begin to get interested in it. The fact that it will soon be morphed into the Diva Search does nothing to improve matters.
Winner – Mickie James
Mark Neeley: Don’t see why they would put it back on Trish already.
Winner – Mickie James
Danny Wallace: It’s tough to call the winner of this match. Mickie’s only been the champ for a month or so, so I’d let her hold the title just a little bit longer. I think we may see Trish loose acting like Mickie, then Trish will revert back to her old character and pick up the strap at a later date.
Winner – Mickie James
Patrick Kellenberger: Well, I hope they can keep the belt on Mickie a wee bit longer at least. However, if they must hand it back to Trish, they can still continue the feud by pushing Trish into the heel role. After she beats Mickie, let Trish continue to torment her. The crowd already cheers for Mickie anyway, so it shouldn’t be too hard. Then Trish can drop the belt at SummerSlam and they can each get a new gimmick and start the feud all over again, since they obviously won’t hire more women wrestlers or anything.
Winner – The One that is Normally Blonde
Dwayne: Is this going to be Micky James vs. Micky James, or Micky James vs Trish Stratus, or Trish Stratus vs. Trish Stratus? Who knows. I dont think we have seen the end of Psycho Micky yet. The Wrestlemania match was awesome. The crowd was pumped and the match was something you couldn’t take your eyes off, especially with Micky’s version of the mandible claw. I hope they are able to recreate that match and even better it as this feud has easily been the best the E has come up with in a while. I also think we might see a return for Ashley now she’s out of her cast so who knows, heel turn for the Diva Search winner and leading to ……
Winner – Mickie James/Trish
Stratus
The Big Show vs. Kane
PK: Who’s got a brand new movie to promote? Oh, right… By the way…I know why KANE keeps freaking out about May 19th…Over the Hedge comes out that same day, and he doesn’t want to be out-grossed by an animated flick.
Winner – KANE
Eric Szulczewski: If Joey was allowed to be Joey, he would have said right now that the reason Kane is being haunted by “May 19th” is that he knows his movie’s gonna get crushed by Tom Hanks at the box office. In fact, I’d pay money for Joey to say that, just once.
Winner – Who’s got the movie coming out? Duh.
Matthew Michaels: Big Show doesn’t have a movie coming out so…
Winner – KANE
J.J. Botter: This is the most retarded thing ever. I understand that Kane has a movie coming out, but trying to make everyone believe that the wrestling personality Kane was actually the actor in the movie is sublimely retarded.
Winner – Kane
Iain Burnside: Why does the mention of May 19th piss Kane off so much? Surely he should be more irritated by the mention of Dan Brown. Or Tom Cruise. Or Hugh Jackman. Maybe Big Show is a comic book collecting, Top Gun quoting conspiracy theorist. Only fatter than the other ones.
Winner – Kane
Mark Neeley: No matter which way this sleeper goes, it doesn’t matter. Kane has a movie coming up, let’s give it to him.
Winner – Kane
Danny Wallace: If this is the order of the card, then this is the perfect time to take a piss and fix myself a sandwich or two. As for the match itself, it’ll more than likely be slow and plodding. The only way of redemption is for them to go slightly hardcore and start using chairs, announce tables, etc.
Winner – My Bladder, my Stomach then probably Kane
Patrick Kellenberger: How about this: Kane wins the match, but the decision is reversed because he starts murdering referees when they show his movie trailer on the Titantron and May 19 flashes at the end. That sounds like something the WWE would come up with, doesn’t it? Oh screw it, Kane wins. He kills refs. Then a bunch of half naked teenagers in the audience get slaughtered by the rage inside Kane’s blackened soul. I tell ya, this stuff writes itself!
Winner – The Red One with a Movie Coming Out
Dwayne: This could be a decent big man match, or it could be a total abortion. They are playing up crazy Kane and his movie, which also could be decent or a total abortion. I figure Kane wins so that Show can eventually get revenge/bring Kane back to the side of good. I WISH that Show would disfigure Kane again so that he could go back to the mask and get a tan.
Winner – Kane
Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam – Intercontinental Title vs. Money in the Bank
PK: I can’t see this ending well. RVD is keeping the MitB, but is he going into ECW as the IC Champ? Nope, I can see him winning, and holding the IC for just a few weeks, and dropping it before May is up, probably back to Shelton.
Winner – RVD
Eric Szulczewski: Well, this is stupid. Putting MITB in play is perfectly fine (although they just went through this with Rey-Rey and Orton a couple months ago). But putting the IC strap in play too? Does One-Night Stand really need the cachet of a Champion-versus-Champion match? That’s the only logical result. The one good thing that can come out of this is that Benjy’s going to get elevated to the upper-card de facto after ONS.
Winner – Rob Van Dam
Matthew Michaels: There’s really only two ways they can get away with this — and RVD saying he’ll take his title shot at One Night Stand makes it kind of obvious — and that’s Shelton winning and RVD getting the title shot back the next night on RAW or RVD winning and dropping the IC strap back the next night on RAW (or a bit later). Okay, the other way they can do it will just piss everyone off: they make it a ladder match, and Shelton grabs the belt while RVD grabs the case.
Winner – RVD
J.J. Botter: They’re going to start the ECW spinoff with this match. RVD is winning the match, and he’ll probably do so with the aid of a few friends.
Winner – RVD
Iain Burnside: Swervarino!
Winner – Shelton Benjadiddlymin
Mark Neeley: With ECW One Night Stand 2, we all know Van Dam has no shot of losing.
Winner – Rob Van Dam
Danny Wallace: I’d like Shelton to win the match, as he’s more suited to the IC title than RVD is, but I doubt that will happen. Pretty predictable really, but f*ck it. Let’s go Shelton!
Winner – Shelton Benjamin
Patrick Kellenberger: RVD has to win this, especially if the want to do this whole ECW thing. Maybe RVD can’t put Shelton away by conventional means, so he ends up going back to his EXTREME roots. You know, trash cans and tables and Bill Alfonso and whistles and Francine’s boobies and stuff. Styles starts freaking out, RVD hits the Van Terminator or whatever it’s called, and that is that.
Winner – The Tye Dyed One
Dwayne: Shelton has a feud with Charlie Haas on the burner. RVD has nothing. Whether Shelton is disqualified or RVD goes over clean, there is no way RVD loses this match.
Winner – RVD
Vince & Shane McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels & ‘GOD’
PK: HBK said it best a few months back when he told Vince to ‘let it go’. He was talking about Bret then…but I think it still holds true right now.
Winner – HBK
Eric Szulczewski: We know what TV shows “creative” has been watching lately, namely “Big Love” and “South Park”. The lessons they learned? 1) A person’s religious beliefs can be turned into comedy fodder when there’s a comedic hook and 2) It’s perfectly spiffy to make fun of religious beliefs when the person doing it is repulsively evil. Unfortunately, “creative” has about one one-billionth the talent those shows have on their staffs. So this just toes the line between offensive to people’s beliefs and offensive to people’s intelligence. As per Michaels’ tag partner, sorry, I’m not able to make it.
Winners – Clan McMahon
Matthew Michaels: I can’t see God jobbing on PPV. I CAN however see all the pyrotechnics and random “acts of God” be in fact pranks a la D-Generation X.
Winner – HBK
J.J. Botter: As some of you might know, “King of Kings” is actually a term used to describe God, so I think Triple H is going to be the mystery partner here. DX reunites and the match gives Triple H a reason for not winning the world title in the main event.
Winner – Shawn Michaels & Triple H
Iain Burnside: Oh, I’ve so completely lost interest by this point. It’s looking increasingly likely that I won’t even bother downloading this card.
Winners – McMahons
Mark Neeley: Don’t care which way this one goes as long as it ends.
Winner – Shawn Michaels & Jesus Christ
Danny Wallace: Should be a fun match. I expect Vince to start throwing punches in the corner where “God” would be standing, which will be pretty funny the first time, then will just get crapper and crapper as the match goes on. HBK will put up a good fight, but in the end, Vince and Shane will walk out the victors after help from the Spirit Squad.
Winners – The McMahons
Patrick Kellenberger: I am going to go ahead and stick with my guns: we get a Jesus run-in during this match that leads to an HBK win. The feud continues on with your typical cross on a pole and Holy Hell in a Cell matches, until SummerSlam, where HBK and Jesus take on Vince and Shane in a TLC match. Right when it looks like the good guys will win Judas runs out and nails the Holy Duo with a chair. They can ride that out all the way to Survivor Series.
Winner – The Former Degenerate One
This storyline sucks. My biggest hope is that
Shane turns on dad here, as the seed has been planted.
Maybe Vince crosses the line and Shane has had enough.
But who am I to go against God? Oh, a final thought
paraphrased from Dunn a few weeks ago, “With all the
things going on in the world today”¦ God decides to get
involved in a wrestling feud?”
Winner – HBK
John Cena (c) vs. Edge vs. Triple H – Triple Threat – WWE Title
PK: Well, the rumors of RVD challenging JBL at ECW ONS really toss a wrench in this one. Honestly, although I am as sick of him as anyone else, I would’ve liked to have seen Cena keep the belt going into ECW ONS, but now that it looks he won’t be at ECW, I’m hoping they let Edge have another shot.
Winner – Edge
Eric Szulczewski: Please, please, please, for once in your misbegotten lives, “creative”, realize what the right thing is and do it. Let me give you a little clue on what the right thing is, shall I?
Winner – Edge
Matthew Michaels: The question here really is who does WWE want to face off against — and likely lose to — RVD at ECW One Night Stand? HHH seems the most obvious choice, because he can then lose to RVD, and win it back at, say, Summerslam meanwhile adding TWO MORE title reigns to the record books, bringing him up to 12. HHH seems to be leaning towards becoming a ‘fan-favorite’ lately, and is most likely going to get the most cheers of the three in this match. So would you want your top babyface getting the shit booed out of him on PPV? Oh wait, they already have that. Cena getting railed on by ECW fans seems more likely, as WWE can play it off as ECW vs. WWE and not the fans turning on Cena… And then again, Edge is the best heel of the three, and has already shown he can go hardcore when need be. Decisions, decisions…
Winner – John Cena
J.J. Botter: As much as I’d like to see the belt on Triple H, it’s not happening. Triple H vs. RVD is a matchup better left for down the road, when you have an ECW vs. WWE title for title match. I think they’re gonna keep the belt on Cena and go for the major heel heat for Cena at the ECW Arena for One Night Stand, if only because he has zero credibility and it’ll blow the roof off the place when RVD wins the strap from him.
Winner – Cena
Iain Burnside: Oh, please let Cena retain here, and please let him go to the ECW PPV and retain the belt there as well. I’d love to see the reactions of the greasy Ezeedub masses then…
Winner – John Cena
Mark Neeley: This match can go one of two ways. One being what people have been thinking, that Wiggah will retain here and lose to RVD at ONS2. The other being the new one, that anti ECW-JBL will win the Heavyweight title from Mysterio and then RVD wins it from him at ONS2. So if the second one is the case, then that leaves Triple H. And you know what, I’m going with that one.
Winner – Triple H
Danny Wallace: If you take the title from Cena, then I think the fans might stop giving a shit, so I’d leave it on him for a little while longer, having Edge take it from him after a lengthy feud. Should be a fun match to watch.
Winner – John Cena
Patrick Kellenberger: I want Edge to win. I really do. It would be nice for a fresh face to run with the top spot for a while. However, it just seems like they want to ride this Cena thing at least until ONS. So let’s say Cena retains when Edge goes for a spear on Cena but hits Trip. Cena hits the FU on Edge and that is that. Hell, they can even start setting up Cena verses RVD the next night on Raw. Then they can have HHH and Edge feud with each other for a bit over the whole “you cost me the title” angle. It’s simple enough that they just might think of it. Well, probably not, but whatever.
Winner – The Rapping Face-to-the-Boss-Heel-to-the-Fans One
Dwayne: Oh, this one’s tough. Cena would be the best heel champ going into ONS. After all of the verbal burials from HHH, Edge needs the belt to keep his credibility up, and I really want to see him with the belt again. However, HHH has lost so many times in the past year that, sadly, he really does need the win more at this point.
Winner – HHH
Wildcard: Will ECW “invade” this PPV and if so, how?
PK: Probably not…especially with RVD, who will be the face of ECW, being already booked.
Eric Szulczewski: No, not until those contracts are notarized. Expect the push to start on the May 8th Raw. That’s two weeks before Judgment Day. On that night, Van Dam will announce he’s cashing in MITB and demands a match against Edge at ONS. ECW Rules, of course.
Matthew Michaels: YES, but only because RVD’s going to come out of the PPV “Mr. Money in the Bank,” and come out on stage to challenge (or at least stare down) the winner of the main event to close the PPV. Could WWE flank him with, say, Sabu and Tommy Dreamer? Sure they could…
J.J. Botter: Yeah, they will. It’ll be during the RVD match, and I don’t think it’ll be subtle.
Iain Burnside: Nope, it’s too soon for any of that to be kicking off. We haven’t even had RVD stand up to the WWE Champion yet. Or have we? Been a while since I bothered actually watching Raw or doing anything more than skim-reading the odd report here and there…
Danny Wallace: Nope.
Patrick Kellenberger I think the ECW business will occur during the RVD match. It won’t be an invasion so much as a hint in that direction. RVD just goes crazy with the extreme stuff.
