The Midnight News
Hyatt,
Where did you disappear to?
Since your not on IP, I have been stuck reading these two-bit hacks.
Please come back.
Doug Gentry
Ask and you shall receive Mr. Douglas. Ask and HYATT THE INTERNET GOD SHALL DELIVER.
Did you and Widro have a falling out? You just kinda vanished without a trace
Matt Davis
Matty, you see, sometimes a man has to do what he has to do, so to speak. Boss Man told me to show up every week, but after the “Summer of Hyatt,” and NINE YEARS of being the TOP WRITER ON THE ‘NET (look it up f*ckers!) was just too much. I went camping and ended up away from here for a while.
When I realized the lineup I had batting around me, I couldn’t have run back any sooner.
When stuck in a forest without any sense of direction, what do YOU do?
Joshua Randolf
Find a stream and follow that shit down INTO TOWN, Baby. Hyatt is the CAMPING KING. I once took a girl to an RV park and “space docked” with her for three days. On the third night, I punched her in the face and made her clean up the mess with her hair.
Why?
I’m Hi8, bitches.
Hyatt,
Do you love me?
Check Y for Yes and N for No.
Melissa
Missy, baby. No. I am saving myself for April Hunter. I think this email was from her:
How dare you insult the business I HAVE WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR!! I won’t have some pimple faced runt calling Slyk or myself hacks. He is a good man, and he has made mistakes you f*ckstick, but who hasn’t? We earned all the accolades and respect we have.
Who the f*ck are you?
April
I got awards. One time…third grade…I spelled onomatopoeia to win the school spelling bee.
I beat a Senior.
Then I shit in the glove box of his Camaro.
Slyk Wagner Brown? Didn’t he play that ashy guy on Chappelle Show? He was PWI Rookie of the Year in 1973, right?
No?
Oh, they still weren’t letting HIS kind in the arena yet?
Hello children, I’m Hyatt and this is the Midnight News. I’d like to say I am back…but I have no one to thank but me. I did this…oh I am back doing what I do best…putting MYSELF OVER!
Take that UNDERTAKER!
I’VE GOT A FEELING
Word out of Hollywood is that a former sitcom star was seen tonguing an intriguing young starlet in the VIP section of the Viper Room last week. David Spade is gay, so it’s not him.
I will go out on a limb and let you know…this guy…IS FAT!
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Anyway, the rumor continues to swirl that a star of a summer blockbuster was rushed to the emergency room in Australia after a lap band from his/her gastric bypass ruptured and he/she suddenly felt the urge to eat a whole jar of marmalade.
PUNK GETS HERPES
That horrible segue is Widro’s fault. My surprise to be invited to do a column blew my MIND…vaguely. In honor of that GLORIOUS idea, I dug real deep…way deep deep deep down in the bowels of WWE and found a secret list of reasons that CM Punk will NEVER make the BIG TIME…
– Talked to Hunter about his resemblance to Conan at ‘Mania. Kissed him on the mouth.
– Reminds HBK of a younger version of himself
– Went drinking with Umaga and chopped him back
– Told Cena he was better off as “the prototype”
– Proceeded to beat Cena is a rap-battle…with a 2×4
– Gave Melina “the clap”
– Gave Maria “the HIV”
– Wouldn’t touch Lita
– Patted ReyRey on the head and wished him luck against JBL…then kissed him like the twisted, effeminate emo-slut that he is.
– He’s Raven…only not fat, and he f*cks babies.
– Mentioned that he “learned a lot in TNA”
– Told Stephanie she looks better with a little meat on her bones
– Told Stephanie that he really thinks Heyman “gets his character”
– Claims to be “straight edge” but has a Pepsi tattoo on his shoulder
– Cried when Vince when told him to “cover up that queer-ass GI Joe tattoo” on his forearm. He loves him some Storm Shadow.
– Hinted that Eddie Guerrero shouldn’t be mentioned every thirty seconds and that Eddie would NEVER have allowed his history of family values within the ring and propensity for “Lying, Cheating and Stealing” is sullied by this craziness.
– Got caught with his pen in Declan McMahon’s ink
– Has an affinity for “dark meat”
– Owns an iPod with an N’Sync skin
– Doesn’t plan to buy Wreckless Intent album
What is with WWE and it’s lame ASS entrance theme albums? EVERY ONE seems to be named after…crimes and misdemeanors in the state of Connecticut. This fall, be on the lookout…for WWE’s Rap-Metal Hybrid Album Possession with Intent to Distribute and Vehicular Homicide.
I am gonna be honest for a minute…anyone, ANYONE who thinks this guy has “it” should be euthanized. WWE would be better off re-hiring Randy Savage and sticking him in a program with Melina…like THAT wouldn’t end up with her in the emergency room when he SNAPS HIS SLIM JIM INTO HER FACE. POW!
Also, anyone who thinks that drinking is evil needs to die.
If the women in Hyatt’s life didn’t have booze, I would probably not be the lover you know today. I’d be like Wade Keller…fat, lonely and hypnotized by the stink of my own butthole.
Don’t lie, you dig my SMOOTH PIMP STYLE!
Furthermore, if some lame indy promotion like Chikara has a Chipmunk impersonator of you who is a BETTER WORKER…you need to hang it up.
CP Munk?
Genius!
A FUN FACTOID TO IMPRESS SLUTS
* Butterflies are the only winged species that can experience an orgasm*
A FUN FACTOID TO IMPRESS SLUTS: Number TWO!!!!
*Coca-Cola was originally GREEN*
Just like that, you are significantly smarter than you were two seconds ago.
BUTTERFLIES ORGASM? HARD TO BELIEVE BOSSMAN can’t maintain an erection on the high holy days, but a mature caterpillar gets its rocks off.
WWE.com is reporting that Kurt Angle will be “out indefinitely with injured ribs.” In the storyline, Donkey Kong snapped the Incredible Shrinking Olympian’s torso in two when he was denied his “40 acres and a mule.” He then eats seven fetuses through a straw, setting up an inter-brand match at SummerSlam with HBK in which his fat ass is superkicked to TNA.
– Rey Mysterio vs. JBL is the main event for Judgment Day, according to WWE.com, which means that Chris Benoit is leaving the federation to get a tooth implant.
– Bobby Lashley is being fined for being “too black” in corporate meetings. He’s often seen nodding his head along to “deep, thumping” beats on his Walkman. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT SUPERSTARS OWN IPODS!
-BROCK LESNAR AND WWE SETTLED…Guess who wins? SABLE Baby! Rena Mero can finally get her 50-year-old meat flaps back into Leg Show magazine and Brock is free to facef*ck some stinky Asian in an MMA-hybrid promotion.
MMA is for bitches. Get a gun…shoot the man. Much easier.
If I wanted to see grown men beating each other about the face I would throw a crisp, green Alexander Hamilton down on the sidewalk in front of a check-cashing store.
BUMFIGHTS!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
After months…no…YEARS of Triple H bashing, I am fed up with the shenanigans!
Here at INSIDEPULSE!111!!!! I feel safe letting the youngsters know one of the MILLIONS of reasons Triple H is to be worshipped as the TRUE KING OF KINGS…don’t listen to Shawn Michaels…drop on your knees at the feet of HUNTER…
Triple H is Better Than You Because…
He cuts the f*ck out of his head to bleed PINTS…GALLONS OF BLOOD so that SMARKS CAN BOO WIGGER MAN when he scores the roll-up, and all he asks in return is a 4-5 more titles reigns. He deserves THREE TIMES THAT!
THIS HAS BEEN TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY HYATT. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
I stand corrected. Jeff Jarrett’s promotion DOESN’T seem to be going anywhere for at least another month or two, so I have decided to give it a “fair shake.” Like my friends in COMPTON say…never shoot until you see the white’s eyes…HA, I FUCKING RULE!
-SENSHI? Low Ki is a warrior alright…IN SATIN SOCCER SHORTS. FUCKING MARADONA is gonna challenge Joe…it’s inevitable.
– CANADIANS aren’t Frightening…TEAM SWITZERLAND SIGNS UP FOR WORLD X(tremely Stupid) Cup…Don West…
Jesus H, I can’t watch this garbage…where are the “Perfect Strangers” re-runs? Spike TV was much better off with rodeo replays in this slot…10 YEARS AGO!
I’M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING
I’ve been around the ‘Net a few times and I have learned a few things:
1) Post Mania PPVs are GARBAGE.
2) Everyone from IP to Scaia’s B.S. GarbageDUMP will have some fat loser sitting at their computer typing results into their 1986 Tandy while the show runs in the background and the gardeners and pool sharks they call friends eat all their pizza and steal the good jobs in lawn care….CALL IMMIGRATION: WalMart hired illegal aliens again!
3) Predictions on websites can be edited and some people *winkMELTZERwink* will claim they “knew all along” what was going to happen? Hell, he called Owen’s DEATH!
BACKLASH MOP-UP
– Carlito BEATS the DISASTER-PIECE (trademark this VINCE!) with a roll-up out of the Masterlock…Guess Mordetsky is taking the Wellness Policy seriously…he appears to have lost 25 pounds of muscle mass AND his baldspot is gone. The Juice isn’t LOOSE IN RAW’s Locker room, that’s for sure.
If this is the case, how small is DAVE! Going to be when he comes back? He looked tan as ever at the Hall of Fame, but if he sneezed he probably would have ruptured a disk. NOX CG3 baby!
– OOOOOOOOOOMAGA defeats RIC (WHOO!) FLAIR with Bart’s Thumbpoke of Doom? Funny that his facial tattoo…mystic runes…whatever the f*ck it is…changes EVERY WEEK…and RUNS onto his man tits! ON the DVD this should be the “Floppy Booby Match.”
– Trish gets the DQ, but dislocates her shoulder and NO ONE comes down to help her. NICE VINCE…the GREATEST Women’s Champion in HISTORY…your Diva of the CENTURY…hurt and you treat her like she’s JAZZ???? You stop the card and you get her medical attention right away. Treat her like the lady that she is…
-MR. FLIPPY McGillicuddy defeats AIN’T NO STOPPIN’ ME/MOVIN’ ON UP…RVD sells two…TWO DDTS during this match and HITS THE FROG SPLASH TO WIN THE I-C Title…NOW HE’LL GET TO KILL CENA AT ONS2…fun. Honestly, all he’s going to have to do to make the fans like that match:
– light himself on fire in a cocoon of duct tape and fireworks while Cena slaps on the STFU
– cut himself with a broken car windshield covered in mayonnaise and cooking oil. Bleed to death.
– consume a tub of vasoline and promptly shit all over the WWE title while WIGGERMAN channels the spirit of Flex and five knuckle shuffles Shane from behind
– wrap barbed wire around his legs and do a VAN DAMINATOR into Palmer Cannon’s living room…whiny bitch. Come to Hi8 Street…I will show you an initiation!
– beat the Green Lantern FATFUCK with a Shovel until he sobs and ADMITS that Hal Jordan was a BITCH!
– suck the unborn fetus out of Steph’s preggo ass and lay down for the loss.
– Drink a vial of Senior Orton’s untreated coagulate while riding a drug mule names Juanita. Juanita, ironically, dated Randy after they met on an internet dating site. He called her and spoke about his future title reign prior to WM 23. She got him suspended by trying to blow Johnny Ace in the back…EVERYONE knows Johnny Ace is the one who takes it in the cake hole!
SEE NO (BAD) MOVIES and BIG SLOW both die a horrible fiery death (NOW WITH MORE VOICES!)…WE ALL HAVE TO PAY TO WATCH?!?!? FUCK May 19th…Everyone and their mother knows that the DaVinci Code won’t be better than the book…Jesus is my grandfather. True story.
SHANE AND VINCE Beat HBK/GOD when he is forsaken. Soon, Shawn will turn to Satanism and Dark Poetry as a form of expressing his disappointment and abandonment. Also, he is cutting himself now and listening to Hawthorne Heights. Ironically, the Spirit Squad went to High School with them and took turns raping them in the locker room with broomsticks.
MAIN EVENT: WIGGERMAN vs Triple H vs Rated G Guy-on-Roster
Triple H BLEEDS for this one. He hits the ring post…cuts up a bit. Hits a table…it DOESN’T BREAK…pools of Maroon on the SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE…Edge’s forehead seems to be running away…with the match.
TRIPLE H volunteers to bleed his sacred, King of Kings blood juice all over WiggerMan to no avail. WIGGERMAN sweeps the legs and rolls the TRUE MESSIAH up for the duke. Trips goes nuts and hits everyone with the sledgehammer…wrong result to end a disappointing card. Edge should have SPEARED Trips for the title and gone into ONS2 with the strap. RVD would murder him with a flippy f*ck onto a trash can lid of tacks and flames and all would be well with the world.
But what do I know…I just bring the hits everywhere I go, right?
Oozinator
JBL must have pitched this idea to the fine, fine folks at Super Soaker:
JBL: Palmer Cannon…was it your idea to let Super Porky go?
Palmer: Bradshaw, I…I’m only a wrestler, man, you know that!
JBL: Welcome to WWE, Bitch!
He then proceeds to throw man batter onto the Rook’s $1000 suit. Ever wonder why Christian REALLY left the E? You’ve been educated!
A FLY ON THE STALL
I’VE GOT CONNECTIONS, and occasionally, I abuse ’em. I snuck a tape recorder into the TNA locker room at the TV taping two weeks ago…here’s what I heard:
Sure, Jeff, I will TOTALLY submit to a drug test. Hell, I have to fake…I mean, take those WEEKLY due to my parole anyway.
When I woke up, there was Liz with her head in the oven.
You hit a bitch ONE TIME, and they throw the book at you.
Dixie Carter and I are dating on the DL…she’s the one who taught me the sprinkler thing I do.
JERRY JARRETT! Just the man I wanted to see!
I never thought I’d be happy to see the nWo reunion, but I really think this is going to draw in the 18-34 demographic!
We got a 1.0 last week, but we were head to head with Celebrity Cooking Showdown…that kind of competition REALLY hurt us.
I was holding out for an offer from the E, but my spot got snapped up by Shannon Moore…that kids a REAL BLUECHIPPER!
Hey, remember when Punk and Alexis were boning over by craft services and Raven proceeded to make them BOTH eat a handful of his pubes? Who would have thought they’d become stars?
Remember that time Vader showed up and teamed with Dusty? Who the f*ck’s idea was THAT?
Oh, wow, you DO still have that Demon costume?
Black Tiger ISN’T Eddie? Fuck, I thought WWE was working us again.
Greek Easter was last weekend…you “go Greek” and you can end Joe’s streak.
POWERADE…20 bucks a pop…wait, I’m a NATURAL, Larry, and I NEED TO work!
Hey, Kane-Kind…nice lifts. If I didn’t know better…I’d really think you were feet tall.
Seriously, that black dude in the front row needs to brush his teeth. He must’ve been playing “Suck and Blow” with the production crew again.
“Are you willing to die?” Not for the $20 and a box of PopTarts I’ve been offered! XPW better be back soon…Rob Black promised me a spot in one of his movies.
I’m not “Low Ki” anymore…the name’s, um, SENSHI! It means…um, WARRIOR!
The Man Beast…WAR Machine?? Next PPV, Terry’s coming out as Optimus Prime…that’ll pop the buy rate!
I still live in my mother’s basement!
Paparazzi Productions is delving into some darker films, baby. Ever been choked by a wrestler with talent on loan from God? No. That’s because Triple H is married!
No, I’m Rod Strong…he’s Austin Aries.
Yes, a five dollar gratuity is VERY generous Mrs. Bagwell…
Where can I score a gallon of clean urine around here?
TNA IS ON THE RISE FUCKERS…or so says Meltzer. Can’t argue with 700,000 people a week, can you?
More people will read this column in an hour than will buy TNA’s next PPV…GUARANTEED…or your money back.
It’s been a nice trip back to the stomping grounds of legends. Seriously, why would anyone want to do anything other than be Hyatt?
…
Anyone?
Bueller?
Bueller?
Fuck it, I am here, I eat babies, and you will learn to LOVE IT!
THIS IS MY SUMMER, Widro…and YOU WON’T FUCK IT UP FOR ALL SIX OF MY FANS!
41
Hyatt
