Contradicting Popular Opinion
A.K.A.
An Enquiry Concerning the U of C at the Movies
:
Intro
The University of Chicago lays claim to, if memory serves, over 70 Nobel prize winners. On its campus you will find the Robie House, the site of the first man-made, self-sustaining nuclear reaction, and several of the world’s leading experts in numerous disciplines.
But the University of Chicago is also responsible for Ishtar, the Edsel of Hollywood. A U of C alum was the brainchild behind Ishtar. Kinda puts life into perspective there, right?
Recent graduates have brought us a more successful script-writing venture in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. The University of Chicago can also claim Ed Asner as an alum. Hell, Carl Sagan’s old dorm room is a quick drunken stumble from my old dorm room, so the U of C can claim Contact as well.
We are not here to talk about any of these things though.
Rather we are here to talk about the portrayal of the U of C in movies.
Hollywood versus the University of Chicago
THE GOOD
Raiders of the Lost Ark
What’s going on here? Nazis, lots of them. Indiana Jones is on a quest to stop Nazis from gaining the power that comes from having the box that held the original Ten Commandments.
What about the U of C? Our boy Dr. Jones is a professor at the University of Chicago.
The Upside? Beat that shit, Harvard. The U of C has Indiana Jones as a professor! Suck it bitches.
The Downside? I generally hate Spielberg. This feeling is generally cause by the fact that I spent good money to see several of his ungood movies. Fuck you AI and Jurassic Park 2! And you all might remember the debacle that was my attempt to see Munich for free. Long story short, I didn’t get to see the flick and paid ten bucks not to see it.
I was probably better off.
Proof
What’s going on here? Chick’s dad dies. He was a math professor. He was crazy. She is a mathematician. She worries that she might be crazy too.
What about the U of C? Proof is the U of Ciest! The play was written by a U of C guy. The dead dad character was a U of C Professor. The story takes place in Hyde Park. Things were actually shot in Hyde Park. The dad’s funeral was in Rockefeller Chapel. We see the midway, Harper, and various parts of the quads. A desk drawer contains matches from the Medici, which is the U of C hangout.
The Upside? I was around when they shot this movie. My wife stalked Jake Gyllenhaal for a spell, and managed to get a wave.
The Downside? The movie is just adequate, not living up to its source material. The direction is insipid, the performances non-stellar, and the casting ludicrous. Plus, we are supposed to buy Gwyneth Paltrow as about the same age as Jake Gyllenhaal. Bah.
THE BAD
My Best Friend’s Wedding
What’s going on here? Julia Roberts is in love with a friend of hers named Michael that she once f*cked. He’s getting married to Kimmy (Cameron Diaz). So she, quoting Mike Nelson’s Movie Mega-cheese:
…immediately launches into a campaign of savage mental cruelty. She lays traps and plots, scheming like Richard III, or Mr. Drysdale, even, to get Kimmy and Michael apart. But it’s not easily done, as theirs is a love based on the shared knowledge that they are both good looking.
What about the U of C? Kimmy is an architecture major at the U of C.
The Upside? None. This movie needs to be beaten to death with a bag of oranges.
The Downside? The U of C does not offer Architecture as a major. Nor, at the time of the movie’s release, did it have “majors” as it referred to these things as “concentrations.” In the flick Julia Roberts is picked up at O’Hare, immediately afterwards she rides NORTHBOUND on Lake Shore Drive which makes little sense.
There is also a somewhat miraculous boat trip on the Chicago River. It’s best not to mention that thing.
When Harry Met Sally
What’s going on here? Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are friends who fear that sex will f*ck up their relationship.
What about the U of C? Characters Harry and Sally meet at the University of Chicago, and are both graduates.
The Upside? I’ve met a lot of U of C folk like Billy Crystal’s character. While that isn’t a particularly good thing for me, it is at least a somewhat accurate depiction.
The Downside? The movie is crap. Utter crap. It is crap spread on a cracker of crap. Plus it too has a somewhat Magical Lake Shore Drive. Despite the U of C being on Chicago’s South Side, Harry and Sally manage to take the Southbound LSD past downtown Chicago on their way to New York. (They also drive through the Bio-sci gate, which I have never ever seen open. However, I have been assured that it has, in the past, been open.)
THE UGLY
Chain Reaction
What’s going on here? Keanu Reeves is a technician assisting on a project that will provide power cheaply and cleanly. Of course then, somebody is murdered, the dang thing is stolen, and shit blows up.
What about the U of C? Keanu Reeves’s Character Eddie Kasalivich is a U of C undergrad (despite being in his 30s and being played by Keanu f*cking Reeves).
The Upside? My wife may be in this movie somewhere. She was working at the Museum of Science and Industry at the time, and thus began her short lived career as an extra. Keanu, himself, stoned out of his gourd no less, once asked her for the time.
The Downside? A thirtysomething Keanu as a U of C undergrad? I might buy Keanu as a soccer-playing U of C psych major, but definitely wouldn’t put him near anything which has any ability whatsoever to EXPLODE.
God this flick was f*cking stupid. The least of its stupidity is shown when characters are being chased inside the Museum of Science and Industry and run out of the Field Museum.
The Core
What’s going on here? The Earth’s core has stopped spinning. This will somehow lead to a bunch of microwaves cooking the Earth, unless of team of attractive young scientists do a bunch of ridiculously implausible things to get the core moving again.
What about the U of C? Aaron Eckhart’s character is University of Chicago geo-physicist Dr. Josh Keyes.
The Upside? Given a significant amount of drunk and witty friends the movie is almost watchable.
The Downside? The worst physics movie ever. The worst science movie ever. It gets everything wrong from basic mechanics to comp-sci. It even gets its geography wrong. I’m surprised they didn’t throw extra heads onto the actors to make sure that no part of the film was at all consistent with any known reality.
Outro
Well, as usual, writing fluff is fun. I’m running about six hours late finishing this thing (not for IP, but for my own schedule). Basically what I’m saying is that if there are any huge typos or incomplete thoughts, they will most likely be corrected when my wife skims this thing on the site after it’s put up there.
Yes it is late now. Too late even, I fear, to pimp. Well, I won’t give you any links, but I will blather on for a paragraph more howbout?
There was no Playing the Lame last week so there is probably going to be one at some point this week. I assume we still have Marvel Comic Handbook folk arguing about Taskmaster v. Cap. I should have a Culture column out the same time as this here column. For some reason we now have a fake Hyatt(e) with a column that seems like some sort of desperate plea for help.
Ah sleep. That’s where I’m a viking!
