The SmarK Rant for WWE No Way Out 2006
– Live from Baltimore, MD
– Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz. Props to Michael Cole for lumping Vince v. Stephanie in with historic main events of the past in Baltimore. He’s got balls, you’ve got to give him that.
– Opening match, Cruiserweight title: Gregory Helms v. Scotty 2 Hotty v. Funaki v. Paul London v. Brian Kendrick v. Super Crazy v. Nunzio v. Psycosis v. Kid Kash. Big schmoz to start as Helms hangs out on the floor, which everyone agrees is a pretty wise choice. London & Kendrick face off against the Mexicools, resulting in a double plancha to the outside by the Mexcian faction. This leaves Funaki and Kash, as Kash misses a moonsault and gets bulldogged for two. Man, why did Kash bother leaving TNA for this watered-down role? Helms comes in to save and finds himself on the wrong end of an ass-kicking from the others, before they forget about him again and fight each other. Kendrick wiffs on a missile dropkick and the Mexicools get a rolling double-team powerbomb on him to get him out of the ring. London works on the back of Helms while Kash pounds on Scotty and not much is going on. Scotty suplexes Kash, but walks into an F5 from Helms, which gets one. Helms and Kash do a little shoving, but Scotty rolls up Kash for two. Spoilsport. Helms dumps him, but then gets dumped by Kash, leaving Kash and Scotty to renew hostilities. Kash cleans up and dumps Psycosis, then follows with a rana to the floor, leaving London and Nunzio. Sicilian slice gets two. London comes back and launches Kendrick at Nunzio and Funaki to dump them, and they follow with a double dive. They should have just pulled a New Age Outlaws and laid down for each other. Anyway, Helms gets the Shining Wizard on Crazy for two, Kendrick gets Sliced Bread on Helms for two, London frog splashes him for two, Scotty superkicks London out of the ring and Worms Helms (which looks ridiculous in this kind of post-2000 high-flying environment) for two, Psycosis steals a two count on Helms, Kash brainbusters Psi for two, and Crazy moonsaults his own partner by mistake, allowing Helms to steal the pin. (Helms d. Psicosis, moonsault — pin, 10:32, **) Pretty decent spotfest, although this is really the kind of thing that TNA does far better these days, especially when the Cruiserweights are used as cannon fodder for giants.
– Finlay kidnaps the backstage interviewer for no adequately explained reason other than “wanting to pick a fight”, which draws out Lashley to save, and then JBL for the actual match.
– JBL v. Lashley. Sadly, JBL’s attempt to join in a beatdown are foiled by Lashley’s comeback, and they start on an equal plane. Lashley slugs away to start and pounds him in the corner, then leapfrogs into another punch and continues hammering away. Not so much with the varied offense, is he? Backdrop and yes, another backdrop, and JBL bails and hides behind Jillian Hall. Lashley keeps coming with an overhead belly to belly on the floor, and back in for two. An ugly suplex follows, but JBL tosses him to take over. No wonder he looks pissed, Lashley nearly dropped him on his head. Back in, JBL drops an elbow off the top that looks like a dying gazelle falling from the sky. That gets two. A pair of neckbreakers get two and JBL drops elbows for two. He grabs the sleeper while Michael makes bizarre metaphors about Lego to illustrate how momentum is being built. Does this guy carry an encyclopedia full of stupid stuff to say or does he just make it up from the voices in his head? JBL boots him down and stalls as they seem to have run out of stuff to do. He opts to go up to the top, setting himself up for Lashley to catch him in a powerslam and make the comeback. That spot is like Flair going to the top. Lashley comes back with his generic offense and another belly to belly, which he turns into a series of four. JBL does what appears to be a hardway bleed, and the Clothesline from New York is blocked with an exploder for two. Finlay asserts himself again, knocking Lashley out with his weapon of choice, and the clothesline finishes for JBL. (JBL d. Lashley, lariat — pin, 10:58, *) Bad way for them to end Lashley’s undefeated streak. And I must take umbrage with the whole “repeating big moves for impact” thing here. It’s understandable when done in an unbroken chain, like the rolling germans or Eddie’s Three Amigos, because the impact of the move is that you hit your opponent with a move without giving him a chance to recover from the first one. However, when Lashley does three belly-to-belly suplexes in sequence, doesn’t it make sense that the other guy would at the very least have a chance to brace himself against the impact of the next move? I forget who it was, but I think it was probably Eddie, that had a brilliant sequence in one match where he did a suplex in one direction, then feigned doing the move in the same direction, waited for his opponent to brace himself, and then DDT’d him instead. Maybe that’s just why Eddie was such a genius in the ring and I’m just expecting too much out of someone like Lashley or JBL, but it’s stuff like that which truly makes me mark out.
– MNM v. Matt Hardy & Tatanka. As mystery partners for Matt go, I’ve seen better. But then the guy is like a dead man walking at this point anyway, career-wise, so it’s not he can sink any further down the respect ladder. I suppose you could say that they’re connected in that Matt was betrayed by his woman like the Indians were betrayed by the white man, but I don’t think that Lita tricked Matt with a handful of beads. She might have lured Edge in with DIFFERENT beads, however. Crowd is just totally dead for that shocking announcement. Matt gets stomped in the corner to start, but comes back and works on Mercury’s arm. Tatanka continues along those lines, controlling Nitro with an armdrag and bringing him back to the face corner. Double backdrop on Nitro and they do an awkward double-team wheelbarrow throw on Mercury, sending the champs to the floor to regroup. Cheapshot puts Matt down in the heel corner and Nitro chokes away, but Matt escapes a double neckbreaker and makes what I guess is the hot tag to Tatanka. Lots of chops are thrown, but Melina pokes him in the eyes and Tatanka is YOUR native American in peril. The crowd is just so hot for the aging Tatanka, as I think I heard someone cheer at some point. That might have been Melina screaming, however, so I’m not sure. MNM trade off with some generic heel offense and Mercury gets two. Neckbreaker gets two. He goes up and gets caught with an atomic drop by Tatanka, and it’s the real hot tag to Matt. Nice double move, as Matt bulldogs one out of the corner while clotheslining the other. Yodelling elbowdrop on Mercury and Side Effect for Nitro, but Mercury blocks the Twist of Fate. Back to Tatanka, who apparently didn’t get the memo about tags in the late stages of these matches being passe, and they finish with a tandem Twist of Fate and Papoose to Go. This was dull and ended up going nowhere and meaning nothing. (Matt Hardy & Tatanka d. MNM, Tatanka samoan drop — pin Mercury, 10:28, *1/2)
– US title: Booker T v. Chris Benoit. Booker tries to forfeit the title before the match, but Benoit don’t play that way. Booker attacks to start as Michael finally figures out that Booker was setting Benoit up the whole time. BRILLIANT. They should let this guy run the website. Benoit chops the crap out of Booker and he wisely gets out of the ring, but Benoit chops him back in again. Booker tries cheapshotting him with a kick to the ribs, but Benoit calmly blocks a suplex and gets his own. Nasty backdrop suplex gets two. Note to Michael Cole: The original best of seven series in WCW was about the TV title, not the US title. And this is the guy in charge of the website now. Booker tries a pin in the corner, but Benoit rolls through him and pounds him. You just don’t ever see someone countering that. Benoit continues the assault on the floor, as Booker points excitedly to his groin to hold him off. Man, there’s a lawsuit waiting to happen there. But no, he’s fine. ACTING! Had me fooled. Back in, a superkick gets two, thus showing that the groin is fine. I know I was worried. Booker rides him from behind with a waistlock, keeping Benoit on the mat, and they go into a full-nelson. Nice little sequence. Benoit gets his own go-behind and turns it into a german suplex, then dives in for the crossface. Is it me, or do Benoit’s tights here look like he’s advertising Mountain Dew? Anyway, Booker escapes with a sidekick for two. Booker tries a sleeper, but Benoit suplexes out. Booker suckers him in and hotshots him to stop the comeback, however. A pair of suplexes gets two. They exchange chops, which Booker regrets, but Benoit makes a blind charge and hits boot. Booker misses the ax kick, however, and Benoit clotheslines him down and gets the Three Amigos in homage to Eddie. That gets two. Booker comes back with a leg lariat and goes up, but Benoit chops him down, into a superplex for two. Booker recovers with a spinebuster and goes up again, but this time misses the Harlem Hangover. Bad luck up top for Booker tonight. Benoit goes for the kill with the rolling germans, but this time Booker foils him on the top and adds the ax kick. That gets two. Rollup out of the corner gets two, but Benoit counters him into the Sharpshooter, then releases to get rid of Sharmell. Another try at it succeeds and Booker has nowhere to go, so Benoit switches to the crossface for good measure to win the title. (Chris Benoit d. Booker T, crossface — submission, 18:10, ***1/4) Just a good wrestling match, nothing revolutionary, but a solid match between two guys that know each other. I think the finish was really interesting, too, because you’re bracing yourself against the Sharpshooter, and to have the move suddenly switch to the neck instead of the back could actually be more effective than just holding the original move, because you’re leaving your neck unprotected and worrying about your back.
– Rey Mysterio v. Randy Orton. Orton controls early on and takes Rey down with a facelock, but Rey makes the ropes. Rey gets a headlock of his own and takes Orton down, then bulldogs him for two. Orton takes over and pounds away on the back, whipping Rey into the corner for two. Orton calmly pounds away until Rey tries to fight back on the floor with a rana, but Orton does a badass counter by swinging him into the post to block. Back in, Orton grabs an armbar and works the arm, but Rey kicks out of it, only to walk into a body vice that Orton turns into a backbreaker. That gets two. Orton keeps working on the arm, and takes him to the floor and steps on the arm while it’s on the stairs. That’s just mean. Back in, that gets two. Rey finally fights back with a rana to put Orton on the floor, and comes back with a flying forearm. He takes Orton into the corner with a drop toehold and goes up, but Orton sets him up for an electric chair. Rey reverses to a powerbomb out of the corner, for two. Rey throws a leg lariat and slugs away, then dropkicks the knee and slingshots in, setting up a necksnap for two. Orton catches a moonsault press attempt, but Rey takes him down for two. Rey goes up for a missile dropkick, but Orton gets his own dropkick to block it, and it appears to be RKO time. Rey blocks it with a dropkick of his own, and Orton staggers into 619 position, but ducks the move and rolls him up for the pin. (Orton d. Mysterio, rollup — pin, 17:29, **1/2) That was actually a smart move on Orton’s part. So what if he used the ropes? Finish was out of nowhere and the match was slow and plodding beforehand, however.
– Smackdown World title: Kurt Angle v. Undertaker. I’m agog that two people, apparently unconnected to each other, would bring signs that say “World champion Kurt Angle”. I mean, he was introduced as champion and wore the belt to the ring, not to mention that the belt has his name on it, do we really need fans pointing it out as well? You’ve got one shot to get your sign on WWE TV for all of history to record, and THAT’S what you choose to say? Anyway, UT overpowers Angle to start and gets two, and starts working on the arm. He gets the overhead wristlock, where he actually lifts Angle overhead, and drops him down for a short-arm scissors to follow. Angle tries to slug out of it in the corner, but Taker casually takes him down with the wristlock again. The ROPEWALK OF DOOM sets up a Downward Spiral for two. Snake Eyes, but Taker misses a boot in the corner and gets suplexed as a result, which gets two. Taker misses another charge and Angle sends him to the railing as a result, but charges out and lands in a bearhug. Taker rams him into the post to take over, and drops the leg on the apron. That gets two. Angle was playing possum, however, and escapes from a tombstone attempt and kneecaps Undertaker, then goes after the leg like a shark smelling blood. See, Cole, I can do metaphors too. We get a long-forgotten RINGPOST FIGURE-FOUR! It’s been a while since that move has been OK to do. Back in, Angle goes to town on the knee, but Taker tosses him to buy time. However, Angle takes him down on the floor and anklelocks him there, eating up the maximum amount of time before heading back in to break the countout. Back in, he stays on the knee with a legbar, but Taker fights out and gets a triangle choke to hold him off, and they brawl outside. That of course is more Undertaker’s area, as he beats on Angle and preps the announce table. He takes too long, however, Angle remains a step ahead and Angle Slams him through the OTHER table. Nice touch. Angle opts to take the countout, but then changes his mind and stops the ref at nine. Angle pounds him on the floor, but gets too cocky and gets whipped into the stairs. Back in, Taker goes up, but Angle follows. They fight for the suplex and Taker sends him down, but Angle gets the Pop-Up Superplex for two. Angle fights back, but walks into a big boot for two. Chokeslam looks to finish, but Angle of course rolls through into the anklelock and Undertaker is boned. He tries twisting away from it and Angle hangs tight, so Taker draws him into a triangle choke to counter. Oh, cool. Angle reverses back to the anklelock again, so Taker chokeslams him to escape and gets two as a bonus. Another Cole-ism: He claims that neither man has ever submitted, although I know for sure that Angle has more than once, including a submission match against Chris Benoit a few years back. Anyway, Taker tries the Last Ride, but Angle rolls through into a sunset flip, which Taker counters, but then Angle shows that he didn’t want the sunset flip in the first place and gets the anklelock. Tremendous! Taker powers out again, so Angle gets the Angle Slam for two. And now the straps come down at the same time as the zombie situp. It’s like the immovable object against the unstoppable force. Tombstone is reversed by Angle, reversed again by Taker, reversed to ANOTHER anklelock by Angle. This guy is the friggin’ Terminator. He turns it into the unbreakable heel hook and Taker looks like he might have to tap, but he opts to kick Angle in the face instead to break. And even before he can recover, it’s another Angle Slam, but this time Taker suckers him into a triangle choke. However, he gets too complacent, and Angle flips over into a pinning combination to retain. (Angle d. Undertaker, rollup — pin, 29:36, ****1/4) Looked like it was going to be a slow match to start, but it built and built like a chess match until the awesome finishing sequence. First true Match of the Year candidate I’ve seen, although I haven’t seen Wrestlemania yet.
