Previously On & Show Opening
Michael Bisping defeated Kristian Rothaermel in the first round of their Light Heavyweight bout, sending Kristian home. Kalib recapped for us about how Bisping split Kristian’s head open with a knee (and everyone on the internet seems hung up on debating the relative illegality of said knee, but it’s the internet, so that’s expected). Solomon said that “Some people, they see thier own blood, it’s curtains for ’em.” Tito is shown after the fight dissing Shamrock’s training to his team. Tito says that Team Ortiz is for real and they train for real. Shamrock, after the fight, is shown talking to his team, as well. He says, “The way we’ve been training, two rounds should be no problem.” He talks about how they’ve lost three in a row and they need to step it up.
At Home
Solmon thinks he’ll be fighting this week. Kendall (of Team DAGGER!!) says he’ll make sure Rory fights Solomon by inciting Rory to pick Solomon to fight by telling him that Solomon is saying shit about him. I’m not really sure about this strategy, since it seems to me that Solomon is saying shit about Rory and there’s really no need for all this cloak and DAGGER. Pardon me. I needed to say it. Solomon thinks that his fight with Rory would be an optimal fight for him. He says, “I will crush him as fine as the dust and blow him away. DAGGER!” Genius.
Team Ortiz Training
Tito thinks Shamrock is going to overtrain his guys to make up for lost time with all their mornings off. Tito thinks that won’t be good, as his guys will burn out by fight time. Tito’s a smart guy. During training, Tito tells Rory that he’s fighting, and they need to decide who his opponent will be. Discussion happens, and Rory says that Solomon would be an easier fight than Ed.
Team Shamrock Training
Ken said a video interview: “I failed them miserably, completely.” He wants to get back in the game. He says they’re going to train hard now. They show Ed scoring a lot of nice takedowns and he looks great. Unfortunately, Ed gets slammed pretty hard and gets bruised and has to sit out for the rest of the practice. Everyone is bummed out about their tremendous luck, what with everyone getting injured.
At Home – Morning
Dana tells us that today, the guys will be getting a reward. They’re going to wheel in a big-screen TV and the guys will get to watch UFC 57 that evening! I was really excited. I was hoping they’d do one of those “everyone gets together and watches the UFC” parties. They’ve been great in past seasons. I like to watch the way fighters react to fights. Chuck Liddell’s fight-watching in the first season was just tremendous, the way he zones in and just stares intently.
But they get ANOTHER surprise which turned out to be an extended commercial for Amp’d cell phones. Which is fine with me, because it was actually really cool, as far as I’m concerned. The guys all got phones and they could watch the UFC 57 undercard fights! The undercard fights! On a phone! I’d be stoked. I love me some undercard fights.
They reveal that the TUF3 finalists will all recieve Amp’d phones and service for life. That is a sweet deal. I wish I had free cellphone service for life. And free laundry, and free gas, and a lifetime supply of M&M’s. Everything else I could do for myself.
Team Shamrock Training
Ken doesn’t show up. Tait says that Ken’s supervision doesn’t matter. The bodybuilder guy says that the guys should get together and train some. He tells them to do something so as not to waste time. He looks completely confused and like he has no idea what “training” is. So the guys train together and they don’t much like each other’s training styles. So much for training harder, Ken!
At Home – Evening
The guys get to watch UFC 57. Ken and Tito are absent, which is sort of sad. Bisping says he’s very excited for Randy vs. Chuck III, as we all were. Ed and Josh watch Couture/Liddell intensely. They, of course, train with Randy Couture at Team Quest in Oregon, so they feel close to Randy and want him to win.
Randy, of course, does not win. Bisping screams out loud. Josh Haynes shouts “Son of a f*cking bitch!” and walks out behind Ed Herman, who is also swearing (or making a beeping noise, damn censorship) profusely. Randy, of course, not only loses, but also retires. Ed gets emotional and he cries. Ed and Josh sit out by the pool.
This, of course, is likely to be my favorite scene of the season, because, as in the first season, we have Team Quest guys being all sensitive and comforting each other. Because Team Quest is awesome and it’s full of good people. If you recall in season 1, after Bobby Southworth called a drunk Chris Leben a “fatherless bastard,” Chris Leben had a lot of problems and kept crying and he was angry and he refused to go back in the house. Nate Quarry, that man among boys, recently injured and on crutches, damn near dropped his crutches as he rushed (or rather, hobbled at top speed on his broken leg) over to comfort Leben. And it was the greatest moment in Reality TV history.
Of course, Josh Haynes merely patting Ed Herman on the head hardly measures up, but at least it’s something.
Ed says, “This is gonna push me even harder to win” and says he’ll do it for Randy.
Josh says, “I just wanna go home.”
The Fight Announcement
Tito ponders whether to pick Ed and give Rory a hard fight, perhaps sending Rory home but maybe taking out one of Shamrock’s stronger guys, or to pick Solomon and give Rory an easy fight.
Tito picks Solomon, because, as he’s said before, he’s still pissed at himself that he didn’t pick Ed Herman (I’m still pissed at you, too, Tito), and now he’s messing with Herman’s head. Tito says that 75% of the fight game is the mental war.
Ed, in a video interview, says that he knows Tito intends to pick him last, and that “He can do whatever he wants, it’s not gonna stop me.”
The Tito/Ken Confrontation
After the fight announcement, Ken gets all mad at Tito, like he does, for absolutely no reason. Tito’s all like “What the hell?”
Ken, in his ever-increasing string of awesome trash talk, calls Tito a… are you ready?
A “bitch monkey.”
Okay, no, he didn’t, he said “bench monkey,” but I misheard it the first time and it was a lot more amusing as “bitch monkey” so I’m going to work some revisionist history and pretend like that’s what he said.
Ken walks over to Tito and Dean Lister tries to keep them apart. Tito just keeps laughing, like he does. This is a classic Tito/Ken confrontation, with Ken being irrationally angry and Tito just laughing in his face, which in turn makes Ken even more angry. Tito says in a video interview that Ken has no confidence.
During the confrontation, Ken says to Tito, “I’mma smash your little head!” Which only confirms what everyone in the world knows: Ken Shamrock has gone insane. Tito’s head is huge. What the hell is Shamrock talking about? The guy should not be fighting. He probably shouldn’t be allowed to operate a blender.
Tito calls Ken an “old man” repeatedly, and Ken retorts with “You watch this old man smash a hole in your head! Reach out and touch me, Tito! Monkey! Shut up, monkey!” “Yeah, this monkey’s gonna beat your ass down, caveman-style.”
It was absolutely hilarious and even better than the preview built it up to be, if staged-looking.
In a video interview, Ken said he got into it with Tito to get his team fired up and try to instill some confidence or hope or something in them. He says, “I hate friggin’ losin’!”
There’s this great series of edits between Ken being pissed and talking to his team and Tito being amused and talking to his team. Team Ortiz is sharing in Tito’s mirth while Ken is just ranting to Team Shamrock. It was intense. Fine editing.
There’s this weird confrontation in the locker room between Bisping and Solomon and I’m not really sure how it came about. It seems like they were playing a little, and Bisping shoved Solomon a little and Solomon wanted some more. Bisping said that Solomon was “frontin'” on him “for some reason.” I guess they were all just caught up in the heat of the moment and wanted to pick fights. It wound up being pretty playful in the end. Bisping said, “I feel like I’m literally in the lion’s den.” See, I’m not the only one who makes bad puns for this episode.
Team Ortiz Training
There’s this all-too-brief and very beautiful scene of some hand-taping going on after a scene full of glaring sunlight. I guess there’s not enough time to turn the episodes into art films each week, but happy little glimpses like that are pretty awesome.
Rory talks about his nursing school and how he’s studying to be an RN. He says his fight game is “complete” and that fighting keeps him sane amidst all his lousy nursing duties “cleaning big fat women’s dirty tushes.” Seriously, he said that. Rory says that fighting is a pure sport.
At Home
Solomon dances for the housemates as an example of the victory dance he’ll do after he beats Rory. Josh tells Rory that he needs to come downstairs and see all this, as Solomon is talkin’ trash and whatnot. Rory comes down, lays on the couch, and asks to see the dance. Solomon says, “You’ll see plenty of it after I f*ck you up.” This whole scene sounds weird in the retelling, but it wasn’t all that strange in practice. Rory gets pissed and says that he’s gonna send Solomon home.
Bisping is, for some reason, holding a bamboo stick, so he gets this brilliant idea that he’s going to play Moderator for some trash talking session. For his own amusement. He points the stick at people and asks Rory and Solomon to tell each other how they feel, what their strengths and weaknesses are, etc. It’s hilarious. Rory in his video interview admits that Solomon is a better trash talker, but that doesn’t matter. Solomon’s video interview says “Dagger dagger dagger! And that will be that.”
There’s a (again, all-too) brief pillow fight on the living room couches following Bisping’s bamboo-stick court. I don’t know about you guys, but pillow fights are one of my favorite things. Other than, you know, real fights. The hierarchy is sort of like: real fights > pillow fights > mud wrestling. Which we won’t have any of. Because, according to Stephan Bonnar, they’re not attempting to draw in the gay demographic this season. According to Forrest Griffin, pillow fights only work with hot chicks. According to Shelly, Forrest and Stephan know nothing about women.
Team Shamrock Training
Shamrock tells Solomon that the best game plan is to turn it into a streetfight and not worry about boxing or grappling. Solomon says that he was the fat kid with glasses who got picked on a lot, but he always kicked their asses. “I’ll be damned if I’m to be dissuaded by a little f*cking punk like Rory,” says Solomon in his video interview.
Team Ortiz Training
Tito says that the fight is a mental game and that Rory is doubting himself. Rory’s always looking for ego boosts and doesn’t have faith in his ability. Tito says you can’t doubt yourself and be a fighter.
When the team is ready to leave, most of the guys are in the van, but Kendall and Bisping are lagging behind. Rory yells at Kendall to hurry up so he can go home, and they get all pissy with each other, and Kendall says to Rory, “You’re not my mom!”
At Home
In accordance with TEAM DAGGER protocol, Kendall gives Solomon some pointers on how to beat Rory, saying that he mentally breaks all the time, and has a weak right ankle. Solomon says his win is going to be “pretty” in this creepy tone of voice.
Weigh In
Dana and Mike Nickels are shown saying that they like Solomon in the fight and think he’ll take it. Both fighters make weight.
Fight Day
Solomon says he feels good and that he’ll blow through Rory, and help him “scramble that brain up in that narrow head of his.”
Rory keeps telling Solomon that he’s going to send him to the “loser house.” What in the hell is the “loser house”?
Solomon’s trash talk does far exceed Rory’s. Solomon says he’s going to knock Rory out, and then, as Rory wakes up, he’ll say to him, “See them little birds? They ain’t real.” Then some more DAGGER!
The Fight!
Solomon charges Rory and Rory avoids the takedown for a while, until Solomon slams him down to the mat in beautiful fashion. Solomon gets side control, but Rory is listening to Tito and trying to keep Solomon from doing damage. Ken keeps shouting to Solomon, who keeps being loose with his limbs and submissionable, “Watch your arms! Watch his legs!” Still on the mat, Solomon backs Rory up to the cage, and Rory tries countless times to get Solomon into a triangle.
The ref stands them up with 1 minute left in the first round. Solomon backs Rory up to the fence again, this time standing, and Tito Ortiz yells–I’m not even exaggerating–“ASS OFF THE FENCE!” at least ten times in rapid succession in his rather high-pitched whine. It’s the stuff nightmares are made of.
The round ends. Solomon sits in his corner, Rory stands in his. Tito tells Rory to go for the high kick.
Round 2 begins. Tito yells, “Go for the high kick!” Rory throws a high kick which sort of lop-sidedly hits Solomon in a knee-to-head fashion that is in no way beautiful, but it does the job, and Solomon is knocked out. Solomon wakes up and says, “Who won?”
Your winner, by knockout seconds into round 2, Rory Singer.
Solomon says that his lack of cardio cost him the match. Kendall says it’s going to suck without Solomon, but that he’ll hopefully kick Rory’s ass in the semi-finals to get revenge.
I can’t be the only one who’s sad to see the dissolution of Team Dagger. We only had them, really, for about two episodes. It’s a shame.
Regardless, Team Ortiz keeps the hammer.
The Teams
Team Ortiz
Middleweights: Danny Abbadi, Rory Singer, Kendall Groves.
Light Heavyweights: Matt Hamill, Michael Bisping, Josh Haynes, Noah Inhofer.
Team Shamrock
Middleweights: Kalib Starnes, Ed Herman.
Light Heavyweights: Tait Fletcher, Mike Nickels.
Don’t forget to check out Mike McConnell’s Hamill blogs. I wish Matt would see some more airtime. Now with Solomon gone, there’s a personality void to be filled.
