Welcome to another jam packed addition of AM RAW! Well, there isn’t actually any jam per say, but Ric Flair may show up and his tits jiggle like jelly.
The official WWE intro plays, with the father of Vince McMahon prominently featured. Well, at least I think that is him. He looks old and evil. How should I know?
We start off with the man with the blessed semen, Vinnie Mac himself, in the back. He seems to be in a jolly good mood, and he is, because at Backlash he and Shane did the impossible. That’s right; they showed tact and dropped the whole storyline. WRONG! They defeated HBK and God. To celebrate this accomplishment, Vince is going to do something God does all the time: take a day off. He has put the Spirit Squad in charge for the evening, which is just greeeeeeeeeeeeeat. The Squaders drew “Spirit Straws” and Kenny will have to opportunity to challenge John Cena for the WWE championship. Also, the Divas will have a tag match in cheerleading outfits. This just sounds like it is going to be a smashing good time!
Ah, there is the AM Raw intro.
Here comes your WWE Women’s Champion, Mickie James, intro and all. Mickie will be tagging with the man beast Victoria to take on Maria and Torrie, who still looks dug out. Good girls in red and bad girls in blue. We get a clip from Backlash recapping Trish’s dislocated shoulder. Mickie gives us the crocodile tears. God bless her. Well, McMahon bless her. We start out with Victoria pulling Torrie’s hair over her shoulder. Torrie hits the drop toe hold on Victoria and tags Maria in at the same moment Victoria tags Mickie. Maria kicks Mickie in the gut and throws her around by the hair. Maria kills bitches. Victoria decides to interfere but gets tossed into the corner with Mickie. Torrie hops on in the ring and hits the Stink face on Victoria, which sends many a 13 year old into puberty. Victoria rolls out of the ring and Maria hits the Bronco Buster on Mickie, which sends many lonely wrestling fans into the bathroom so their families don’t see their shame. Victoria gets back in the ring and tosses Maria out of it. Mickie goes to suplex Maria back in to finish her off, but Trish runs down in a sling and distracts, costing Mickie and Victoria the match.
We cut to the graphic for John Cena verses Kenny. It’s the WrestleMania 23 main event now that Randy Orton is out of the picture.
Our first WWE commercial is for Edge verses Mick Foley in a WrestleMania rematch. I wonder if the segment that explains this match will make the cut.
Freddy vs. Jason is on USA. Freddy is obsessed with kids, just like the criminals on Law & Order: SVU. USA Network: home of pedophiles.
Back to the show and the Squad is in the back, where they have stumbled upon none other than HBK. For some reason Big Show is right behind Shawn. I mean, RIGHT behind him. They must be dong some weird stuff. Some butt stuff. Anyway, the Squad taunts Shawn a bit about his loss at Backlash and then gives him the night off…as a wrestler. Oh they had him going on that one! Instead, Shawn is going to be the special referee for our next match, Rob Conway verses Kane. They even give him a special May 19 shirt for the occasion. What a thoughtful bunch of young men.
We cut to Joey and the King, who recap the Show/Kane brouhaha from Backlash. Evidently Show tried to perform an exorcism on his former friend with a steel chair when Kane “heard” (along with the rest of the audience) a voice telling him “May 19.” Hmm, glad I saved the $30 bucks on that one. HBK is out first in his snazzy new shirt. Then, in one of the most shocking events in AM RAW history, Rob Conway, yes, THE Rob Conway, actually gets his entrance. The push is on! To the moon Rob! Don’t stop till you get enough! Oh, wait, Shawn just punched Rob out when the Con Man started to taunt HBK about his shirt. Uh oh, now Shawn is putting the shirt on Conway. Sucks to be Rob. Here comes Kane, which means every participant in this match got an entrance. After staring at the snazzy hand-me-down shirt the Rob has on Kane attacks the poor man and tosses him not the steel steps, the tosses him onto the guard railing. They both enter the ring and Shawn officially starts the match as Kane hits many a forearm to the back of Rob’s head. Joey comments, “Out of all the beatings we have seen Rob Conway take in recent weeks, this may be the most brutal.” Probably not the description you want your family to hear when they are watching you on television. Rob is back on the outside and Shawn does the Christian thing and helps him back into the ring. Wow, this is just a show full of fine, upstanding gentlemen. Shawn then grabs a trash can from under the ring and holds it up nonchalantly. He is soon shocked to discover that Kane has taken the trash can, though he is fortunately able to avert his eyes before Kane can us the thing. HAHAHAHA! Kane beats up Conway a little more and then takes off, but Shawn gets on the mike and starts saying May 19 and then puts the mike down and points at Rob, who is almost unconscious on the mat. So Kane hops back in, hits the Tombstone, gets the pin, and that is that.
Trip is in the back with Vince, who asks the king of kings to be the guest referee for the Cena/Kenny ultimate dream match. Trip, calm as he can be, asks instead to be put in a match with Cena tonight. Vince says no dice, evidently because Trip went crazy with the sledgehammer at Backlash after he lost. He even hit a defenseless woman with a main event spine buster! The cad! Trip says that he and Vince have always had a good relationship, making me wonder if that whole Clique/MSG/punishment thing was a work. Trip says that, if Vince will scratch his back, he will scratch Vince’s. All Trip wants is a title match with Kenny if he should win tonight, with the Squad banned from ringside. Vince, however, has another idea, which is that Trip should take his advice and be the special ref or he might be an “old man” the next time he gets a title shot. Well, it looks like they are finally going to pull the trigger on that face turn.
Why are there commercials for Gold Bond foot powder during this show?
Time for the WWE rewind, which shows stills of RVD winning the IC title from Shelton. If they us stills it isn’t really a rewind, is it?
DAMN IT! Masters is out and he has a mike. Son of a bitch! He challenges RVD to, “break this man’s Masterlock!” RVD comes on out, meaning he has accepted I suppose. King brings up the fact that, while Masters used to offer money to those that took up the challenge, RVD really doesn’t have anything to gain from this, though Joey points out that maybe RVD just wants to shut Chris up. There are easier ways to do this, like handing him a Bearinstein Bears book. Obviously aren’t aware of the bet they made in the back for the two pounds of pot they found growing in Carlito’s hair. SO RVD sits down and Masters locks in his little lock, but it is all a set up! Shelton is out and attacks a defenseless RVD. Those hooligans! Carlito is out with a chair to make the save, or maybe he just wants to get a good seat next to Lillian. No, he is there to make the save. One of the Squaders, I think it is Sal, and he has a special cheer to announce that the four will be in a tag match starting…right…now. We cut to the match itself, which RVD in a Shelton headlock. Joey gets handed a note and has to go to the back to see the co-GMs. Ok then. Joey walks off, leaving us with only the King to call the match. Guess Coach had other engagements. Back in the match, Shelton hits a power slam on RVD. Masters gets tagged in and hits a few elbows, nut RVD is up and punches the flex machine in the gut a few times. RVD bounces off the ropes and hits a spinning heel kick on Masters, then tags in Carlito. Shelton gets tagged in at the same time, but Carlito is able to hit a backdrop on the most recent former IC champ. Masters runs in and eats a clothesline. Carlito then hits a second rope elbow off the ropes on Shelton. RVD makes his presence felt with a kick off the top rope on Shelton hits the back cracker on Masters while Shelton goes for a chair. Just as Shelton is about to use the thing Charlie Haas comes from behind and takes it away, allowing Carlito to roll the heel up for the pin.
We get another commercial for Monday night, Edge verses Foley. It is a little disappointing that we may not see 80 percent of Lita’s breasts this episode.
We get a commercial for Mission Impossible 3, which was an entertaining little movie with a great performance from one Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Highly recommended.
Joey is in the back with the Squad, who tell our announcer that he has no spirit, which is evidently appalling. Joey just keeps saying, “I’m just doing my job!” They tell him if he doesn’t do a better job he will be forced to wear a cheerleading outfit next week. They force Joey to say that the new WWE Champion is Kenny and when he doesn’t do it up to standards they show him how it is done. They send him back to the ring, where the King announces him as the lead announcer and future cheerleader. King continues to taunt away, saying if Joey was in ECW he would have more spirit. Joey fights back, saying, “If this was ECW, I wouldn’t be working with a hack like you!” Oh Snap! Joey asks if the King wants to see some spirit and pushes the King. Then he slaps the King! King counters, “You little idiot!” then pushes Joey down, which leads Joey to walk out as the crowd chants ECW.
We go to break and get our first commercial for Nashville Star of the morning. I was worried there for a minute.
We are back and the King apologized to the fans during the break and would now like to apologize to Joey as well, explaining that things got a little out of hand but that he should come back so they can finish the show. Joey comes out to the top of the ramp and instead of me trying to paraphrase; I will let you read exactly what he had to say:
“You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn’t knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I’m gonna come down there and work with you. I’m not coming back, and now thanks to the magic of live television I’m gonna show the whole world, why for seven years in ECW I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary. Six months ago, WWE called me, I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called me because they had humiliated and fired… again, Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from week one, week after week I’ve got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I’m not allowed to say ‘pro wrestling’, I’m not allowed to say ‘wrestler’. I have to say ‘sports entertainment’ and refer to the wrestlers as ‘superstars’. I’m told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the ‘wrestlers’, not the entertainers who leave their families three hundred days a year to ply their craft in that ring. Here’s the best part, because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross who’s the guy they fired in the first place. That makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped from Backlash? I’m not good enough to call Backlash!? In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn’t done before me, hasn’t been done since. But I’m not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders. I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God… he mocks God!!!!! And makes out with the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am sick of sports entertainment, and most of all I am sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. I quit!”
Thus begins to revival of the late ’90s. Long live WCW Thunder.
The King, ever the WWE homer, explains, “We brought Joey Styles up from the gutter, and it looks like he got homesick.” Zing! King then goes with the obvious foreshadowing, telling the audience that Joey is probably more comfortable in a bingo hall kissing Heyman’s ass. Double Zing!
So, after all that, here comes Trip to be the special guest ref for our main event. Evidently Trip’s promo intro music is also his ref intro music.
Yet ANOTHER commercial for Monday Night RAW. It must have been a slow week in sales.
The Champ…is…HERE. Oh yes he is. It looks like he has a black eye. Surprisingly, Kenny is already in the ring. Someone has come down to announce, and sounds like Todd Grisham. We start out with Cena punching Kenny, then hitting a standing vertical suplex. Trip looks BORED, which just about sums up my reaction to this match as well. Cena goes for the FU, but Trip punches him squaw in the head. We cut to a little later in the match, with Kenny hitting a DDT on Cena and calling Trip over to make the count. Kenny gets a one, which upsets him a little. This leads him to push Trip for the slow count, which leads Trip to nail Kenny with a punch to the head. Pedigree for Kenny and Trip decides to call it a night early. The Squad jumps Cena in the ring. Trip looks like he would almost run back, but he decides against it. Stephanie probably needs him to go get a few chickens and a ten pound jar of pickles. Damn those cravings. Here comes Shawn Michaels, in a ref shirt, and we have a stare down between the two former (and probably future) degenerates. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Kenny hits his super duper leg drop, but Shawn decides to only make a two count. Kenny gets upset again and this time eats Sweet Chin Music. That just killed Kenny. You bastard! The rest of the Squad is in but they get taken out by Cena and Shawn. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and Shawn acts like he CAN”T SEE CENA. Shawn then hits Johnny with SCM. Cena hits the UF on Kenny and that will be that.
Eh. Outside of the Joey promo, the show just plodded along. The doldrums of the WWE Summer begin, with only the minor entertainment of ECW and DX to keep their loyal audience interested. Maybe they can just show their WWE movies to fill the time in June. Until next week, keep on keepin’ on.
