The Midnight News
Hyatt,
Where did the “E’ in your name go?
Sincerely,
Bob Anderson
Bob ANDERSON? Seriously, that’s your name?
The “e” took itself out of the equation. When Widro invited me back, it asked for too high a percentage of my profits. Fuck the “e” Bob. Fuck the E!
Very good Mr Burnside.
Three givaways its you:
1) Tandy
2) Pools of Maroon
3) Optimus Prime
Who the f*ck is Mr. Burnside? My impression, THAT OF HYATT THE HIGHEST GROSSING WEBJOURNALIST OF ALL TIME, is that this Burnside writes for Inside Pulse…IP…I pee, get it?
We all know that no one can handle such a high profile position here at the 3rd or 4th most trafficked independent wrestling site on the web. Not even the Almighty, Fake Trish herself.
I have said it once, and I will NOT say it again, I am back to finish what I started over a year ago, the “Summer of Hyatt.” 9 years of being the most abrasive character on the ‘net has taken its toll, but while my attitude isn’t fresh, the jokes always are.
Besides, “pools of maroon” is from Jeremy, you twat. By Pearl Jam. Now stop being a ‘tard and get me some steak!
Out of sheer morbid curiosity, didn’t you used to be
“Chris HyattE?”
Ya know, your first name was Chris and your last name
ended in an “E,” but now there’s no “E” at the end of
your last name and your first name has changed to
Geoff?
What the hell?
DC
DC the Brain Supreme….where’s my man Steve Rollin? I can’t get into the reasons for the MINOR, INSIGNIFICANT changes. I CAN say, however, that Rob Feinstein sucks little boys dicks at Camp Jam.
And he does it out of the goodness of his heart.
Fag.
who are you and what does widro think he’s doing allowing this?
Paul Marino
Paul, Widro can go eat some gefilte fish for all I care. He invited me back for one last run with the title, and I am here to deliver. Oh, and to answer your question, douchebag…I AM HYATT!
Christ, it doesn’t get any easier than this, all I have to do is snap my fingers and you SHEEP follow. I am here to tend to the flock. Now sit down and shut up.
Hello bitches, I’m Hyatt and this is the Midnight News. I can’t pretend that I am EXCITED to be back, but I AM back to steal all the hits from the no-talent scrubs that work at this Hyatt-forsaken site.
Get it?
JOEY STYLES GETS CANNED
So, last week’s Midnight News BARELY missed out on reporting that Joey Styles would be “JR-ed” in storylines by a few hours. I received a confidential report from inside Trojan, er…Titan Towers that showed that this was in the works for quite a few weeks. It makes sense that Vinnie Mac and Co. would let the most talented announcer in professional wrestling call their “B” show in much the same way that it makes sense to keep Pat Patterson on the payroll after he was anally violated by Steve Lombardi in a motel room…IN FULL VIEW OF HIS CO-WORKERS some 20 years ago.
This handwritten document features many of the reasons that Styles was on the outs with Management…something he and I apparently have in common:
– had a working knowledge of names of professional wrestling holds
– refused to call the McMahon vs. HBK/God match at ‘Mania out of some arcane belief that someone named HYATT was the REAL WRESTLING GOD.
– has recently done crack with Hacksaw Jim Duggan and two hookers in Milwaukee.
– smokes cigarettes with the ringcrew before tapings. NO ONE TALKS TO THE RING CREW…not even the RING RATS!
– Reminded Stephanie that there was a 1 in 166 chance that her child would be autistic.
– Also told her to “look on the bright side, at least Hunter can have his 55 minute promos at the dinner table…and that Lil Nipple H will be able to rock herself to sleep!
– Reminded Stephanie that HHH used to suck Chyna’s man-clit.
– Mentioned to Steamboat that “American Dragon” would be a great partner for Wee Willy Regal.
– After meeting CM Punk at ‘Mania, commented how mature the kid seemed to be, then he promptly shit in Maria’s oatmeal.
– Told John Cena to “keep it real,” and the Champ started crying.
– Reminded Edge that in ECW, Lita allowed New Jack to go “ass-to-mouth.”
– Also might have mentioned some “Xtreme” ideas Lita had for DVD releases that involved feet, vanilla-flavored yogurt, a plastic bag from Costco, four midgets and Dominick the Christmas Donkey.
– Referred to Hulk Hogan as Mr. America…no one, NO ONE, will let THAT one go.
– Told the King that he knew what he was hiding and was promptly potatoed for his efforts.
– Told Linda he heard a rumor that she was QUITE the partier in her day. He then found out that day was 1604 when she turned to dust before his eyes.
– Refused to be Real Scanned for an action figure, as is a long celebrated belief by Joey’s people that the cameras steal a man’s SOUL!
– It also turns out that it was Joey Styles that buzzed Jerry Jarrett into Titan Towers. He was in the men’s restroom at WWE HQ. His hands were freshly washed, and he wanted a paper towel, but Miguel the Bathroom Assistant, was smoking a cigarillo behind the dumpsters out back. Styles was furious, even going as far as to wipe his hands on his OWN $30 silk shirt. HE BOUGHT THAT AT SEARS, MAN!
– Revenge, Vince, is a dish best served cold…ICE COLD.
– Asked Kane what the big deal is with MAY 19th!
– Made Kane cry.
– Made Bret Hart cry backstage at the Hall of Fame ceremony when he accidentally handed Bret a
Blue Blazer figure, MOC, to sign.
– Proceeded to toss Nattie Neidhart’s salad.
– Was heard talking on the phone with Blue Meanie.
– Was seen at dinner with the Blue Meanie.
– Was watched have anal intercourse with Teddy Hart…by Blue Meanie.
– At ‘Mania, was heard making farting sounds into the headsets of workers in the Gorilla Position.
– Told Bobby Lashley that he reminded him of a younger version of himself.
– Proceeded to beat the black off of him.
– Ate Viscera’s lunch….lunches. There were a few, and how was he to know.
– Asked Trips where his muscle definition went.
– After doing a line of blow off Torrie Wilson’s ass, asked HBK to spot him another 8 ball.
– Remarked that Kwee Wee would have really fit into the X Division…
– Lastly, told Shelton Benjamin that the last time he saw a black man with that much potential…he shot him.
Obviously, there is much more stress for workers within WWE. I can’t imagine the pressure.
A FUN FACTOID TO IMPRESS SLUTS
The Declaration of Independence (the very official copy in the Rotunda of the National Archives) is written on parchment, not paper.
And just like that, you are smarter than you were two seconds ago!
Hyatt LIVES to inform!
SmackDown! REBOUND
This past Friday, I went to the local sports bar and tried to watch WWE with the people…by “sports bar,” I mean tittie bar, and by WWE, I mean finely waxed snapper.
Anyway, when I got home, I had 3 messages from Widro, reminding me that I “needed to do an accurate report of Smackdown, and not that bullshit you pulled last week.” I called that f*ck back and reminded him…that I DIDN’T COVER SMACKDOWN! last week. He cried. Or the hookers that were with him cried. Or he was doing bonghits. I can’t really tell the difference.
ReyRey and Donkey Kong have a staredown from which I CANNOT get my 10 minutes back from. FUCKIN’ A!
BOOKER T. (WASHINGTON) defeats GUNNAR NELSON. Honestly, did you think that Ricky’s kid had a chance in Hell of taking this one? Speaking of Hell,who do YOU think maintains all those fires? THE MEXICANS THAT CAN’T GET IN LAWN CARE!
THE BONGBOYS get sent to Federal Pound-You-In-Ass Prison by MARSHALL MATHERS. There wasn’t a match, but MAN, am I glad I was eagerly awaiting one!
DAVE “FIT” FINLAY defeats TOOTHLESS AGGRESSION with the dreaded CHAIR to the throat. Yes, this match tore the house down and I am sure that Meltzer, the fag, will give you 100 reasons why this was the “GREATEST CONTEST IN SMACKDOWN HISTORY,” but I will go another direction. Why have two of your best technical wrestlers put on the kind of match that young, up-and-comers like Dana “CumGuzzler Deluxe” Dameson, could learn something from and have it end WITH A CHAIRSHOT TO THE THROAT? Fuck the EMERALD FUSION(!) this one was over right before that when FIT Randy Savaged TOOTH’s Steamboat loving ass.
TWO MEN WHO OBVIOUSLY AREN’T BEING TESTED AS PART OF WWE’S MANDATORY “WELLNESS” PROGRAM defeated Scotty 2 Gay and Numbah Won Hannouncer! Waste of my time, part TWO! Seriously, I should bill WWE for this crap, as I have important shit to do:
– I have to continue correspondence with Fake Trish
– Dry cleaning for my inter-office teleconferences with Widro…the FUCK makes me wear a BOWTIE!
– I have to call Flea and let him know that I already download RHCP’s album two MONTHS ago.
– Honestly, I would rather stick pieces of rotten SPAM under my eyelids and go to sleep than watch that match again.
– I could work on that whole autoerotic asphysiation thing I’ve always to do. I hear the orgasm will make your heart explode!
– I could start the novel I keep kicking around, about the intrepid young Internet Wrestling Celebrity who makes it big as a writer on Broadway.
– I could always go back to school and finish my degree in douchebaggery.
WHAT? Even Hyatt has to have a back-up plan in case the checks start bouncing.
NO CONTEST numero dos as the former KID ROCK impersonator and MUY LOCO went to a draw. Billy Madison’s tan friend showed up and ate everyone. He then proceeded to rub Curry in a small gash he opened on KID ROCK IMPERSONATOR’S forehead.
REYREY GOT RAPED BY DONKEY KONG IN THE MAIN EVENT. Evidently that whole thing with the kidnapped princess and the plumber really scarred the World’s LONGEST man. Don’t believe me? Ask Melina…she LOVES ANACONDA COCK!
IN OTHER NEWS
Charlie Haas and wife, Jackie Blewpete, are expecting their first child, which explains her latest irrational decision: joining TNA. HONESTLY, who doesn’t think she was better off dancing at the Rusty Go-Gos in Lake Jefferson?
Jimmy Yang, Akio, has signed a contract with WWE. Fed up with working independents, Yang says the final straw came in New York City, where Yang was repeated anally raped by badgers. There aren’t ANY badgers in NYC, and yet, they found their way into his ass. Good luck on Heat, Jimmy.
TNA announced that Jushin “15 Years Past His Prime and Can Hardly Walk” Liger will be facing Petey “Don’t F’n Call Me Peter” Williams in an Ultimate Insult Match. Vegas has opened the books on how long it takes for Liger to walk out on this PPV first, as there is no way in hell Liger should be working for TNA that weekend…he’s booked to open a Sushi joint in ‘Frisco the night before.
SEE, I can PRETEND to care, you f*cks.
Billy Kidman recently spoke with the UK’s Sun about his release from WWE. He pretends, no, denies his affair with Mae Young as a reason for his dismissal and added that Fabulous Moolah loves Cleveland Steamers. I want to add that she is also into Bikini Waxes and sandpaper handjobs. And, to think, that was last year. Imagine HER IN HER PRIME. Now where’s that $40 lotion I bought?
Kane was interviewed by some gay site about his movie…and he stayed in CHARACTER. Horatio Sanz…it ISN’T THAT GODDAMNED HARD!
Apparently, all this crotch-chopping by Jesus-Boy and Trips is supposed to be proof of a DX reunion? Frankly, I think they are just reminding Michael Hayes what they will do to him the next time he slips the “soapy finger” in ’em. Dok Hendrix…you are a DIRTY, DIRTY SHIT.
Randy Orton’s suspension, it turns out, has more to do with sleeping with Stephanie McMahon than originally thought. When she realized that genetics would dictate that her child would not only have a GIGANTIC HOOK NOSE, but also the kind of shoulders women KILLED for in the 80s, she thought that pumping some of his SEXY DNA in her wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Too bad Randy didn’t wait until Trips pulled out.
The Dicks/Tollands/WHO? were released because they suck dicks for fun.
Ken Doane, WWE Super Cheerleader, and fiancé Mickilexis Lajames, were caught “dirty dancing” in a dressing room on the UK trip and were both promptly fined $50…by Pat Patterson. You don’t want to know what the other option was.
And, lastly, with ECW’s revival right around the corner, WWE wisely snatched up Sabu from TNA after a lapse in his contract. Sabu, it turns out, has been dead for ten years, and the man currently playing the role is none other than Ralph Macchio. Or Scott Baio. Or Richard Grieco. We really can’t be sure…there’s a LOT of scar tissue.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
After months…no…YEARS of Triple H bashing, I am fed up with the shenanigans!
Here at INSIDEPULSE!111!!!! I feel safe letting the youngsters know one of the MILLIONS of reasons Triple H is to be worshipped as the TRUE KING OF KINGS…don’t listen to Shawn Michaels…drop on your knees at the feet of HUNTER…
Triple H is Better Than You Because…
Unlike most men his age, Triple H isn’t insecure about his bald spot…he just grows the rest of the beard like nothing is wrong! Who ELSE sports the Big Bully Busick and isn’t taking man meat through some glory hole in a Chelsea “massage” parlor?
THIS HAS BEEN TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY HYATT. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
It happened…I just didn’t bother to watch. If you read elsewhere that I did, I want to go on record as saying that I am lying and that I wrote that in a drug-induced stupor.
EVEN HYATT MAKES MISTAKES.
PLEASE, MOM, DON’T LOCK ME IN THE SHED!
…f*ck you, TNA marks. WWE IS KING! JUST LIKE HYATT, only with girlfriends. And wives. And money.
Dammit, I swear, I am saving myself…for you, TRISH!
TRISH: Hyatt, why are you so mean to this guy Widro?
GeoffHyatt: You really want to know why?
TRISH: Yeah, that’s why I asked
GeoffHyatt: Widro…owes…me…for the hooker. We went halves on a hooker and he never gave me his money. She gave bad head, and had stubble. The lights were out, and, she smelled…manly.
TRISH: Are you saying you think he…touched you?
GeoffHyatt: THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
A FLY ON THE STALL
I’VE GOT CONNECTIONS, and occasionally, I abuse ’em. That’s the kind of POWER that HYATT yields, you dirty hippies. Honestly, would it hurt you geeks to shower a bit?
It’s STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT!
Anyway, I heard that Ring of Homos was coming to Dayton, so our own correspondent, Shuylock McPherson, snuck a tape recorder into the ROH locker room at the show…here’s what we heard:
Sure, Gabe, I’d love to come over and celebrate Passover with you, but do we have to cover EACH OTHER in LOX again?
We had to let Jay Lethal go…he kept stealing all the WHITE WOMEN.
Honestly, who would have thought THAT drunk could pull off a STRAIGHT EDGE Gimmick this long? Hell, we just did a bump together two hours ago.
Who are the two ugly guys in the matching singlets? They look like baby apes.
Wasn’t Jimmy Jacobs on Degrassi?
I heard that Cornette’s signing with TNA…that’ll be good, ’cause I’m tired of him trying to slip me the stinky pinky in the shower.
Ever hear the one about the fat guy with pillows for tits? No? He’s standing over there, go introduce yourself to Joe.
ROH is the premier independent wrestling promotion on the planet. Granted, independent means “bouncing checks,” but at least I’m here in the “House that Rob Feinstein’s pedastry built!”
I only signed up for my first show because I thought the Trios Tournament involved daisy chains and mutual masturbation.
Don’t try and understand Delirous. I heard a rumor he got locked in a closet for an unofficial RF Video “shoot.” When he came out, he never spoke English again.
You guys follow the Mets? David Wright is SOOOOOOoOOoOO Dreamy!
I killed a man once. We were dancing with the same woman at the time, and, suddenly, our eyes locked. I knew then that Austin Aries was a fag. And also 20 minutes later when he had all 8 inches of the 187 in his mouth.
Rod Strong? I thought you were taking time off to finish you English as a Second Language Degree?
Listen, guys, just one more appearance by Bruce Leeroy and his agent has promised me that Chuck Norris will show up for a signing. THAT’LL put asses in the seats.
Ring of Honor? Seriously, Cary and Co. are just treading water until TNA locks ALL of their talent up to exclusive deals. ECW is coming back…and there will be a LOT of jobs open for young talent. Why work for $50 and a bagel when they can get ripped off by a pro.
No Joe. No Daniels. No AJ. ROH will be screwed.
And then what, Cary? You and Gabe going to get coffee for Paul E. again?
Just goes to show you, what goes around, comes around.
Fucking A, I have STILL got it. A decade in and NOBODY can touch me with a ten foot pole. My weakest jokes are FRESHER THAN ANY shits on this site will ever write. So take your “Lance Storm MOLESTS Students” jokes and shove ’em up your ass. And, no, I don’t bother reading them, just like I don’t spell check my column…I let the WORD do that for me.
People are here to see me. Just like they were before.
They aren’t hear to read some HACK’S review of a brilliant TOOL record. It’s the f*cking tits. The cat’s meow. The whole nine yards. Granted, its no Dream Theater…
Honestly, anyone with ears knows that Maynard is a God, second ONLY to ME and that’s the BOTTOM LINE…CUZ Hi-8 SAYS SO!
I’ll see you fat couch potatoes in 7. I have a gym date with Keller and I am not missing that for the WORLD!
Aw, don’t pretend you miss me yet.
You can’t miss me until I’m gone.
…
And I am not going ANYWHERE yet.
It’s the “SUMMER OF HYATT” and you will love me, or I will kill myself with this spoon.
40
Hyatt
