Happy Monday, kids. Welcome to the only corner of the IWC where we talk about how much we actually like pro wrestling. I know, I know – it takes some getting used to. But first, we’ll go something in the non-wrestling universe to be happy about.
(But first: Love the concept? Hate it? Think I missed something important from last week? See something this week that you think should be here? Email me.)
Okay here’s the deal: educate yourselves. I’m amazed Eric didn’t mention this last week, but if you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the complete transcript to the speech Stephen Colbert gave at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner last week. Colbert stayed in character the whole time, and just ripped Dubya up one side and down the other — while standing THREE FEET from the man himself. Honestly, it was the ballsiest thing I’ve ever seen a comedian do in my life. (If you’ve never seen “The Colbert Report”, Colbert does a spot-on satire of a right wing blowhard, in the vein of O’Reilly, Limbaugh, etc.) Some highlights from the speech:
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
The greatest thing about [Bush] is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man’s beliefs never will.
Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, “Oh, they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Twenty straight minutes of “The Emperor has no clothes”, performed directly in the Emperor’s face. As a bonus, he threw a few grenades directly into the lap of the media itself, calling them out for their totally cowardice in confronting anyone in the Bush administration for the actions of the past six years. And as payment, the media either A) ignored Colbert’s performance completely, B) dismissed him as “not funny”, and/or C) chided him for being “rude”. Oh, the irony, the overwhelming, crushing irony…
So, basically: the targets of his satire were Bush, his cronies, and the media. And his audience that night was… Bush, his cronies, and the media. Unbelievable. If you read the transcript (and really – please do), please go here to show your appreciation.
Well, if that doesn’t bring my first batch of hate mail ever, I guess nothing will. Hey, it’s my column – if you don’t like it, I got two words for ya…
Monday Night Raw
1. And that’s where we’ll start: I talked last week about a possible D-X reunion, and we appear to be headed there soon. Honestly, I’m stoked for this: the original D-X entrance theme remains one of my favorites of all time, and both guys are still among the best in the business both in the ring and on the stick. It definitely feels like this is how Shawn is going to choose to go out, and I can’t think of a better way.
2. I have a man crush on Joey Styles. Here’s my barometer for knowing how well a promo/angle works: my wife watches Raw with me on occasion – she’s not a huge fan by any means, but she knows enough to keep up (and she’s been peripherally aware of storylines for about 10 years now). When she turns to me and asks incredulously, “How are they letting him get away with this? Is this for real?” — bingo.
3. To steal a phrase: Shawn Michaels is better at being a sports entertainer than anybody else have ever been good at anything. His two jobs of ref-ing should prove that rather definitively: name one other guy who could have pulled off what he did with Conway/Kane, and kept it both entertaining and
believable. After he retires, WWE should keep him on retainer, just to teach a class called: “How to enhance a storyline without drawing all the attention to yourself.” The “Ole!” move with the t-shirt, the nonchalant trash can, ducking out of Kane’s way when he came anywhere near him: bravo, Sir.
4. HBK’s efforts have also seemingly revitalized HHH — his exasperated sighs when he had to do a pinfall cracked me up everytime. The crowd wants to cheer Trips so bad you can actually taste it.
5. Ken Doane gets a shot at the heavyweight championship on national TV, and then gets to go home and bone Micki James. Gosh, life is tough for him, ain’t it? No, seriously – the kid has got serious charisma, and is absolutely putting the effort forward in the ring. I loved the fact that he was yelling “I’m going to be the youngest champ ever!” at HHH during the match – he played it to the hilt.
6. Four hot women + cheerleader outfits = thumbs up. Four hot women + cheerleader outfits + a surprisingly entertaining actual wrestling match = two thumbs up and hope for the women’s division. (I’ll send Hatton his screenshots of Maria when he decides to start pimping his fellow writers.)
7. I *heart* Mick Foley, I really do. But even I, a slobbering fanboy for the man, don’t think they’ll simply put on another straight-up hardcore match between those two tonight: how are they possibly going to improve upon the WM match? What would be the point? But, I have now gained enough trust in both Foley and Edge to believe that, whatever happens, it will still be entertaining and meaningful. I don’t say that about too many guys in this company.
TNA Impact
1. I was heartened to see that Jackie decided to pick up the slack, and borrowed one of Lita’s “cleavage and navel” outfits. My week just isn’t complete unless I can see the skin between at least one set of Diva boobs.
2. I haven’t watched TNA much until the past couple of months, so I really wasn’t sure what all the fuss about A.J. Styles was for. But after seeing that torture-rack spinning backbreaker? Holy crap.
3. Shocker and Magno? Wait – Shocker and Magno? That’s their names? Really? Well, okay – that certainly made me smile, but not necessarily in the way TNA would have preferred.
4. Well, I told you last week: Kevin Nash on the mic is gold. Yes, yes, I know – he ripped the X Division. But c’mon, people: weren’t you paying attention to the rest of his promo? His “champion profit-making” graph, drawn with (from what I can tell) was a crayon? His line of “I don’t want to toot my own horn”, followed immediately by him fellating himself verbally on camera? Look – Nash wasn’t taking himself seriously here, and you weren’t supposed to either – he was playing the “out of touch, delusional former champ” role to a T. The fact that the IWC has gone berserk over this is something that I, personally, find hilarious.
(allegedly) Friday Night Smackdown
In case you’ve wondered: I use the phrase “(allegedly)” because A) it’s actually taped on Tuesday, and B) in many metro areas (like DC, where I live) during the spring/summer, it gets preempted on a regular basis. This week, my local UPN channel went one further, and showed the first 15 minutes of *last week’s* show. As much as I liked JBL’s promo and Regal’s entrance (and use of the phrase “Sunshine”, which I forgot to mention last week), I didn’t really need to see it again. Oh well.
1. I liked seeing the vicious side from Melina in the MNN beatdown of London and Kendrick. Please note that she was the one who demanded the second Snapshot on Kendrick for daring to move before they got out of the ring. And the look on her face during all of that was perfect: she looked absolutely sociopathic. And as Mike Fitzgerald pointed out, this is the first time in quite a while that we’ve had a tag title feud built up over the simple concept of two teams that both want the titles.
2. The IWC luv for the Benoit/Finlay match has been refreshing (even when couched in “it was the only good thing on the show” rhetoric). Personally, I just love when any of the announcers (Taz in this case) decides to bring out “catch as catch can” phrase when talking about basic mat wrestling. It feels like Gordon Solie is back on my TV.
3. In addition, the Benoit/Finlay match was full of little things (I keep trying not to steal Haley’s gimmick, but it just fits this column so well): Finlay ducking the first chop in the corner (everybody knows it’s coming – why don’t more guys simply duck?); Finlay pulling the ring apron over Benoit’s face; Finlay taking the time to plant his forearm in his opponent’s face on every pinfall attempt (he and Regal are the only ones who do that consistently); and the fact that they managed continuity and storytelling in this match alone (Benoit countering the short-arm clothesline the second time Finlay tried it).
4. Quite a contrast seeing Booker and Lashley face-to-face and hearing them talk, eh? In fact, I think I can sum up the differences with two lines from popular 80’s movies:
Booker: “I’m gonna git you, sucka!”
Lashley: “I’m not going to fall for a banana in the tailpipe.“
5. While I question the logic of having your face “heavyweight” champion lose so cleanly to someone that’s never held a major belt of any kind, you have to give it up to Rey for his professionalism. We’ve seen plenty of major stars (Austin, HBK) simply walk out rather than do what Rey did here: do the job for the good of the company.
And thus we end this week’s goodness. See ya next Monday.
