The Midnight Mystery Starring HALEY: Haley’s Comment


Let’s do this. I’m going to start with some responses to columns I’ve read here on Inside Pulse.

A Fool For Tool


Oh No, She Didn’t

I’m sure Gloomchen is getting a ton of hate mail that she will share tomorrow from fans of Tool who didn’t appreciate her giving their new album a 4.5.

The review is here.

I am a big fan of Tool. When they put out a new album, it is almost like Christmas to me. For just about two decades now, they have put out better albums than their metal contemporaries. This was really key for me because it coincided with what I perceived to be as the fall of Metallica as the preeminent consistent metal band. If you look at Metallica today, the best album they have released out of the past five has been a double disc of cover songs. That, my friends, is not getting the job done.

Tool, on the other hand, has not released a bad album. Ever. Granted, they have only produced 4, counting the Opiate EP, but each is significantly different from the previous release. If you are making good metal and managing to change the style of songwriting at the same time, you are not only kicking ass but doing something that only legendary bands like Black Sabbath, the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin have managed to accomplish.

Now that I have exposed myself as a total mark for the band, let me tell you that Gloomchen’s review was more or less accurate. She is good at what she does and to fully reveal my biases, let me talk to her one night while I was wasted.

The songwriting on the album is very similar to Lateralus and if you were expecting some unfiltered rage along the lines of Jerk-Off, you are going to be disappointed. If you liked Lateralus, like I did, this won’t matter very much and you will enjoy Rosetta Stoned and both parts to Wings for Marie without caring too much. Part of me, yes, would like to hear Maynard screaming for the world to die on a track here or there. Part of me also wishes I were four years old, didn’t have to get up to work every morning and had nothing more to worry about than what the number of the day was going to be on Sesame Street. The point is, you move on and appreciate the past for what it was while enjoying what you have in the present.

Let me tell you though, Tool still has to follow the record company mandate of crafting at least one track that can play on radio stations, so we’ll always get a song like Vicarious that doesn’t f*ck around. That song is awesome and harkens back to those days when Maynard was more likely to write lyrics about how stupid humanity is than something ambiguously personal. And they are still better than just about any metal band at doing that. Remember back on Aenima when he said f*ck L. Ron Hubbard and f*ck allof his clones? Dude was ten years ahead of his time.

Now, also in the interest of being fair. You can give her a hard time about her review of Rob Zombie’s new record. Well, I can anyway.

See, I have this personal problem with Rob that actually aligns very well with something Gloomchen believes. And that is, if a performer puts on a show where money was paid and sucks a big nut, then you need to make it clear that the act sucks.

When I attended Ozzfest all the way back in 2001 in Northern Virginia, Zombie and his band (not White Zombie) came out to play some (White Zombie) songs. About 15 minutes into his set, his guitar f*cks up and he basically just walks off. Bitch.

For comparative purposes, James Hetfield had his entire arm nearly burned off of his body and the f*cker still got out on stage as soon as humanly possible to sing while his guitar tech played riffs. Eat a dick, Rob Zombie.

And since my anectdotal evidence matters more than anyone else’s, Rob Zombie doesn’t deserve any more of my nickels or yours for that matter. Plus, as a matter of principle, any score on a scale of 10 for a Rob Zombie album needs to be divided by 10 to compare to a Tool album. Thus, if Gloomchen gave Rob a score of 7.5 for Educated Horses, that would mean a Tool fan would view that album as less than a 1. Which is about right. Tool fans would agree that Maynard burping through the Star Spangled Banner 12 times on a disc is about the worst thing they could release to earn a 1 and that is still better than anything Rob Zombie will ever create.

Actually, now that I think about it, Tool could pull a Pootie Tang and release and entire album of nothing and that would still probably earn a solid 1.5. And it would still be better than Rob Zombie’s new album.

Man Up

As much as I love reading Gloomchen and the movie reviews, the one writer who has officially replaced Aaron Cameron as my weekly “must read” writer is Patrick N. over in the Sports Zone.

Patrick is just funny as hell and if I’m comparing him to Aaron, you should know that I’m not messing around. I do not agree with everything that he says, but that is less important than how he communicates it.

One thing though that I have to say and he won’t like it. Kobe Bryant can suck a fat one. The way he bitched out of that second half in game 7 against Phoenix…I mean, wow. Way to make all of those people who thought you were a legit MVP candidate look like a bunch of fools.

Passing The Torch

Have you read this guy’s column lately? You should. It’s really good. In fact, it was a lot like looking into a mirror when I first checked it out. I can remember very clearly the day where I realized I was fed up with negative Scott Keith reviews of wrestling shows that seemed perfectly watchable to me. Steve got upset about the IWC’s reaction to Wrestlemania and decided to do something about it.

Good for him. In fact, it’s probably a good time to officially pass the torch to him as the resident “positive” guy here at the Pulse. To be fair, I was never fully positive. The Little Things says that wrestlers and wrestling shows can be both good and bad for a variety of small reasons both present and absent. I still watch wrestling this way.

Anyway, Steve has a concept hammered out that will hopefully teach you to look at wrestling in a slightly less cynical way. Anything to fight the herd mentality of the IWC.

The Little Things

I will still do the Little Five though, whenever I decide to surface on this website. It’s not always easy, but let me tell you, it’s hard to say no to Fingers. Especially when he sends a barrage of emails and instant messages to remind you to post your column. Good man, that Matthew Michaels.

1. Another Man’s Man

Hey, seen that new HHH/Miller Lite commercial? Does anyone else think it is funny that H gets one good shot to make his name on this spot. A spot that should get serious mainstream exposure that’s far beyond a Vampire movie or wrestling on USA network…and all he gets to do is rip his shirt off?

Excuse me for a second.


Well, if he wanted to be the next Hulk Hogan of wrestling, he is well on his way for sure. Irony is a great little thing indeed.

2. Styles Clash

I really liked last week’s RAW. It harkened back to the days when RAW was truly unpredictable and the direction of the show for months could change in an instant. Getting the ECW angle going and teasing us with a DX reunion were great ways to keep us interested now and next week. Styles, in particular, deserves a lot of credit for what I’d call the promo of his life. And yes, the McMahons deserve some of the credit for letting the shoot promo actually air.

3. Go Suns

I like John Cena. I like him because of his charisma and I think a lot of non-computer using fans pick up on it. In fact, I know so.

As I was watching Kobe not save the day against Phoenix on Saturday night, I saw Tim Thomas drill a shot and do the “you can’t see me” hand gesture as he was getting back on defense.

Diesel. Since the worship of professional athletes is mandatory in this country and in this column, you have to take a cue from them like that. No questions asked. Especially from a guy like Tim Thomas who owned the Lakers in game 6 and helped Phoenix win that series.

And that little moment was generated by John Cena and John Cena alone.

4. Umaga Me Crazy

This Umaga thing is still terrible. But at least his finisher reminds me of the old goozle from Ming. That’s all.

5. And Finally

That moment where Mick Foley was delivering his intense promo against Edge and stops to not only mention the city where they were performing but mugs for the camera with a smile and thumbs up? Oh. My. Word. That might be the best little thing of all time. I am still marking out over it. I know he has gone for the cheap pop from the hometown crowd numerous times, but to do it and throw those gestures in there for the camera? Wow.

Mick, please. Make that a regular feature. You’re my hero.