D-GENERATION X
MICK FOLEY!
RANDOM WORDS!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Hiya all – welcome to the show that shows everyone’s showtastic showocity, the Monday Night Rabble! As I announced, but will now be announcing more frequently – this column is now syndicated at:
NWS WRESTLING
INSIDE PULSE
..and next week (probably)..
MONDAYNIGHTRABBLE.COM
More on that next week. Now let’s get to the show… with:
ERIC – The Meat Group
CHRIS – The Bread Group
HERNANDEZ – The Salsa Group
JENNA – The Vegetable Group
BILL – The Dairy Group
DANI – The Lovvve Group
And your ‘Wheezing The Juice’ Group – Me, James Hatton
Now we replay last week’s Main Event of Kenny vs. Cena with the dual ref’s of none other than Trips and HBK…. what are the repercussions… I’m wearing my ‘SUCK IT’ underwear, let’s hope it brings us some of the green and black.
Or at least Maria in a Cheerleading outfit.
Tonight – Edge & Mick Foley.
“Hey, look who’s not Joey Styles” – Hernandez
That’s right, JR is here but not apparently as important as Triple H, whose music interrupts his welcome back.
Hunter looks like he’s ready for action.
The crowd is hyped on Hunter – and he has a mic.
“I didn’t come out here to be the special referee. I didn’t come out here to fight with Vince McMahon to fight over what I deserve. I came out here for one reason, and that is the WWE Championship. I’ve heard the argument that I’ve had my chance, but I don’t give a crap. I am the exception to every rule.
In this arena, I have beaten everybody there is to beat. Tonight will be no different. So John Cena, I want you – and I want my WWE Championship – and I want it right now.” -Hunter
“STAND BACK! THERE’S A HURRICANE COMIN’ THROUGH” – Me
Hey… look whose coming down – John Cena!
“And on your way out bring me a burger and a coffee” – Jenna
Cena comes down to a mixed audience, more boo’s than not.
“I’m goin to try to explain this to you” – Cena
“..but I suck at English” – Bill
“You’ve got like ten championships. The New York Yankees, they got like 27 World Championships, but that doesn’t mean they get the Easy Pass to the World Series. It’s not about what you’ve done. We know what you’ve done man. You see, I know what you’ve done, and they know what you’ve done, and they respect you man. What have you done lately man? I’ve pinned you, and I’ve made you tapped out.
I know you – if I ignore you and push you to the back of the line. I know that each and every week you are going to come down here with some cockamamy reason to go after me. So there is option B – right here – right now – for the WWE Championship.” – Cena
Cena takes off his shirt… Trips calls for a ref.. The fight is oononnnnnnn.
NOPE! VINCIUS INTERRUPTUS! -No Chance In Hell-
Vince informs us there is no reason to have a ref here right now, because there will not be a title match tonight. Vince feels that since Trips defied him he doesn’t deserve it… Trips does though. (As does the audience)
Trips tries to reason with Vince about Kenny and how he likes to pump people with Spirit. Now Cena and Trips then go off on each other to much hilarity. Trips explains that it’s a proven formula that he wins belts and makes him money.
“It’s like Coke Classic” – Bill
Vince explains that his name is ‘Mister McMahon’ and he is nobody’s friend. He is the boss. He’s appreciative of Triple H, and to show his appreciation, and he can change his mind whenenver he wants – just not tonight. He’ll get one in the future, but tonight he’s got off.
“Look, we can’t start this show WITH wrestling!” – Bill
Trips leaves begrudgingly – and Cena’s got a match. Spirit Squad versus Cena & HBK. Cena thanks Mr. McMahon to kiss his a–…. Oh, well Cena can leave now as Vince cuts his mic.
Cena still in the ring now as Vince introduces the title match for tonight – Here comes RVD for a Fatal Fourway!
RVD has a moment with Cena on the ramp, Money In The Bank.
“Foreshadowing… I can’t believe I used that word with the WWE” – Hernandez
“Hey, it’s been pretty good since… err.. last week.” – Me
So we have RVD in the ring with a mic. He has something that needs to be heard. He feels that everything that went down with Joey Styles is a bunch of crap. RVD agrees with EVERYTHING he had to say about Sports Entertainment.
“Although I don’t remember it.” – Eric
“He had a lot of balls, and I’m glad he shared them.” – RVD
“He shared his balls?” – Eric
COMMERCIAL – #1
Commercial Of The Night – Starburst ‘Losing Your Arm’ bit…
In the ring is Haas and Masters.
“..powdered toast man..” – Bill
And Shelty comes on down.
This is one pin one win.
RVD vs. MASTERS vs. SHELTON vs. HAAS
Spot fest!
Bell rings and we have Masters throwing out Cena and Shelty beating down Haas. Masters joins up and picks up Charlie – double shouldercheck here. Masters picks him up and Shelty gets in his licks against Charlie.
Haas tries to fight out, but continues to get the double beatdown – a double suplex. Shelty pins it and Masters grabs him and throws him. Masters goes for his pin and gets two with a stop from RVD. Haas rolls away as RVD drops Masters – runs up to the top turnbuckle and hits a big kick – He gets a spinkick on Haas – a spinkick on Benjamin and is standing in the ring alone.
COMMERCIAL #2
“Already!? – Lame” – Hernandez
Back in the ring….
Masters suplexes RVD. Shelton is coming on in to stop a pinfall from Masters. Charlie Haas is rolling in as Benjamin goes to hit Masters – Haas rolls up Shelty for two. Masters now grabs Haas and throws him to the corner – goes in for a clothesline, but is ducked under and a roll up for two from Haas. Shelty hits a dropkick on Masters knee and now the ring implodes with action. Ending finally with Benjy in the ring with RVD.
Benjy hits a belly to back for two. Haas gets into the ring and starts to take down Benjamin. Top rope flying clothesline – a dropkick to RVD, followed by a double arm suplex onto RVD for two. Snap kicks to RVD’s back.
“Thank you sir may I have another” – Bill
Masters stops the pin and gets thrown RIGHT out by Haas. Shelty is sizing up Charlie, he spins around annnnnd BIG spinkick to Charlie’s head knocks him out! Benjy gets the pin, but a sliding dropkick from RVD ends it. Shelty picks up RVD, reversed into a rollup for two. An inside cradle from Shelty for two. Nice back and forth until finally Shelty hits RVD and Charlie gets into the ring and goes after Shelton. Shoulderblock, knees, Shelty ducks a boot – and hits a samoan drop.
Masters pulls Shelton out of the ring – floors him – and runs in to hit Charlie with the Masterlock. OOOoo no….
OUT OF NOWHERE! RVD! OVER CHARLIE – OVER MASTERS – GRABS MASTERS – SUNSET FLIP! THAT’S IT!
WINNER: ROB VAN DAM
Hot finish!
“Still Mister Money In The Bank” – JR
“Still high as a kite” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL – #3
Hey stuff from See No Evil… we’re discussing Alan Moore.
Todd Grisham in the back joined with the various characters from the movie. The white chick, the spanish girl, and the black guy.
“Hitting the ethnic set this movie is..” – Dani
So the black guy says May 19th three or four times.
“Black guy dies first!” – Bill
“This takes the cake on lame movie promotions” – Chris
So Kane chokes him down. That was that. Hey Look.
COMMERCIAL – #4 (9:45… one ever ten minutes on average)
We get a flash back from last week with Stryker & Carlito. Hey and now it’s Carlito time!
And now the introduction of Matt Strkyer.
“He’s got the Saved By The Bell Theme” – Hernandez
CARLITO vs. STRYKER
He’s wearing an argyle sweater….
Stryker starts in with the beatdown on Carlito – hits the ropes, but eats a solid dropkick from Carlito – throws Stryker to the ropes and eats a neckbreaker.
Stryker sits on top of him and hits him a few times – double axe – picks him up and clubbing blows. Chokelock – but Carlito fights out and Carlito goes nuts all over Stryker ending it with a top rope plancha elbow. Looking good… but wait a sec.
In runs Eugene who attacks Stryker for the DQ.
WINNER: STRYKER via DQ
Carlito gets pissed at Eugene – but Eugene goes after Stryker and eats a jawbreaker. He goes to help up Eugene, but then hits the double knee drop.
“So we have our house tweener” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL – #5 (9:55 – yes, every ten minutes now. Let’s hope they are getting them out of the way for Edge/Foley)
Let’s find out – we think we know him!
EDGE w/ Lita (in bra…) with a garbage can.
“Lita’s midriff looking pretty ok. She must be working out” – Me
“Maybe they’ll do something with her.” – Dani
“Like have her not talk” – Chris
So Edge grabs the mic and makes fun of California people. Discusses having won Wrestlemania.
“Tonight there isn’t going to be a happy ending” – Edge
“Ummm… Ahem.” – Me
“Good catch.” – Bill
Hey and now it’s time for Foley w/ a barbed wire bat.
EDGE vs MICK FOLEY
HAARRRRrddRDDCCcocookkooo00rrrr333333
Foley grabs a mic first and discusses that the winner of tonight’s match could concievably be the greatest hardcore champion of all time.
“Because all the rest are dead” – Bill
“See: Crash Holly” – Me
So Mick explains that since he can have whatever his match he wants.. he wants a Hardcore match with three letters.. E C W. A Triple Threat. With the Innovator of Violence…
“Tommy Dreamer?” – Hernandez
“The kendo stick guy?” – Dani
“Very good.” – Hernandez
TOMMY DREAMER!
EDGE vs. MICK vs. TOMMY
HAAAARRRDDDD CORORORORORRRRREEEEE!!!!!two!!!!
Foley and Dreamer are taunting Edge for a bit, then Foley hits Dreamer in the back with the barbed wire baseball bat. Foley then hands Edge the barbed wire bat and Edge RAILS dreamer with it. Edge hands it to Foley, and he drops hit on his face.
Foley sets up the bat on Dreamer’s crotch and Edge legdrops him, and Tommy’s already cut open.
“IT’S STUCK IN MY SCROTUM!?!?!” – Bill
Edge and Lita in the ring now – and Foley brings out Mister Socko and he goes and chokes out Tommy… Edge spears him! Foley gets the pin….
Wait – there’s no riff? There’s no bit? That was it… no seriously.. that was IT!!
WINNER: FOLEY over DREAMER
Foley kisses Lita’s hand and they leave together. Heel turned Foley.
In the ring Dreamer’s fountaining blood.
Coming up next though…. MARIA vs. MICKIE JAMES!
COMMERCIAL – #6 (10:06 – Guess we’re not waiting for Foley)
We get a flashback to Foley heel turning.
NOW THOUGH – Here comes Mickie James, green sportsbra, brown skirt, not bad.
Maria though! (With Trish) Lil Shiny hotpants and black midriff.
WINNER: MARIA
MARIA vs. MICKIE JAMES
WINNER: MARIA
“I can’t believe Maria’s becoming a wrestler” – Dani
“Maria’s a wrestler…?” – Me
“..yes honey.” – Dani
Mickie goes after Trish on the outside, and Maria runs in for a roll-up and tries to look mean, but fails…. she’s so cute!
She throws Mickie to the ropes – Maria follows up with another attempt at a roll-up, but fails as Mickie holds on and ends up getting stomped on and faceslammed to the mat. She hits an elbow and a knee on her back.
Mickie picks Maria up, and Maria even tries to get some offense – but Mickie chokes her out. Mickie hits a high end DDT – and Maria crumples….
WINNER: MARI—- sadly, MICKIE
Trish goes to defend Maria – and goes after Mickie only to get kicked in her bad arm. SOMEONE comes in and attacks Mickie! Security take her down… and we have a new diva! Note: Another PSYCHO diva.
Note: Another HOT PSYCHO diva.
COMMERCIAL – #7 (10:16 – still holding to the pattern)
Hey it’s Armando Alejandro Estrada – He’s got two people in the ring with him now… Jobber #1 and Jobber #2
JOBBER 1 & 2 vs. UMAGAWHY IS THIS SHOW GOING SO SLOW!
Umaga throws #1 into the corner. #2 gets tossed out. Umaga chokes #1 to the corner and does a standing choking over the top suplex – that was REAL nice actually…. he hangs #1 on the corner for the tree of woe. Hits the ropes – and the kid sits up into the flying headbutt.
Umaga now goes after #2. He throws #2 into the barricade. He butt bumps him through the barricade for an EL KABONG.
In the ring Umaga charges #1 again in the corner. Grabs him by the hair – pulls back the thumb of death – and that’s it.
WINNER: UMAGA
Big Show is heading to the ring..
COMMERCIAL – #8 (10:26 – What a formula!)
It’s Kaaaane Time. (May 19th)
Kane hits his pyro – Thus he’s losing.
Big Show comes on down.
BIG SHOW vs. KANE
May 19th
Show offers a hand. Kane gives him a knuckle punch. They lock up…
“This match is for opening night tickets” – Hernandez
Takedown from Big Show to Kane and they stand up, and Big Show is seemingly laughing at something. Kane runs up and headlocks – they toss to the ropes and Show hits a drop toe hold and a spin around for a front facelock!?!?
They get to their feet and we go for a test of strength – Kane backbridges down – and then gets up and Show hits a fireman’s carry, wrapped into an armlock – reversed into a hammerlock from Kane. Show ROLLS out of it and a legtrip.
“That was like a manatee crawling back into the ocean..” – Bill
Another lock up – Kane rolls into another hammerlock. Show reverse into his own hammerlock.
“Tapping the R2 button” – Chris
Reversed back to Kane now…. Show drops for another droptoe hold and a spinover and back to their feet – headlock and hammerlock again sending Kane to the corner.
“This match is a time killer” – Chris
“This match is an audience killer” – Bill
The boring chant begins and Kane heads to the top rope… yet the ring goes black and there is a Kane mask on the screen screaming ‘May 19th’.
Kane leaves the ring – grabs a a chair and in he goes.
Two big chair clangs to Show – then quite a few more to his big big body.
“Still no DQ?” – Chris
“THe ref said ‘f*ck this, I’m out'” – Me
WINNER: NOBODY!
In the back Spirit Squad discuss their upcoming match.
COMMERCIAL – #9 (10:38 – Breaking ground here folks.. two more minutes.)
“That is in fact because that last match was slow and ponderous” – Bill
“..and silly” – Chris
THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY – May 11th, 1985
Hulk Hogan & Mr. T are at Saturday Nights Main Event on NBC. Hosted by Vinnie Mac and Jesse Ventura. Hogan beats Cowboy Bob Orton. Paul Orndorff and Roddy Piper go nose to nose. Cindy Lauper, JYD, Rockin Robin, Fabulous Moolah. Good times.
In the audience – Lemmy!
Now though it’s time for Kenny, Mikey, Mitch, Joey, Nicki
“Lemmy?” – Bill
“Donny?” – Eric
“Markie?” – Me
“Biz?” – Hernandez
“The Ugly Onnneeee” – Me
Now it’s time for the sexy boy… SHAWN MICHAELS. He waits outside the ring while the SS are in the ring… Cena time.
The good guys charge the ring and clear it out.
SHAWN & JOHN vs. THE SS
Pardon not knowing who is who
HBK starting in the ring with Kenny. They lock up and there is a slap from HBK and a tag to Cena as Kenny bails to his corner.
Kenny tags in _____ and they lock up, there is a wrap around of bad amateur wrestling – until finally Cena flubs a fireman’s carry for two – and _____ rolls it up on his own for two. Nice move actually – Now Cena clotheslines SS#1 and #2 and #3 and #4 charge in and get clotheslined. Kenny gets TOSSED in and thrown over the top rope onto the tossed SS.
COMMERCIAL – #10 (10:51 – I want a nap)
We’re back and Cena is cleaning the clock of err… umm. Johnny He hits the spinning powerbomb. He hits the five knuckle shuffle. He grabs the FU – drops Johnny to stop the rest of the SS – but then eats a Johnny Go Round – and Cena is locked in the corner and being beaten down hard.
Cena gets tossed to the outside, and of course the ref is distracted by Shawn. In the corner the Trampopoline is out! Someone leaps off the Trampopoline and clotheslines Cena – back in the ring, Cena fights for his corner but gets dragged back to the SS.
Kenny now in the ring mocks on HBK so they can mob up on Cena again – a pin attempt for two. Tosses him to the ropes and Cena eats an elbow for two.
“And now a commercial break” – Me
“We come back and Trips is in there with Eddie somehow…” – Bill
Chinlock from Kenny.
Punch to the gut from Cena, fighting out of it – and Cena goes for a flying crossbody which misses and now further tags around and beatings.
“Think if Trips was champ he’d have to go through this?” – Hernandez
“We’ll find out in a month’ – Me
Now Nicki has a sleeper on Cena
“..oh no… not a sleeper…” – Chris
“He’s going to have to tap into that resoviour of strength” – Bill
Dragged to the corner, MOOOORRREEE beatdowns….. I’m getting sleepy. More chinlocks. More fighting out of it. More beatdowns. More two counts. I’m not typing til the hot tag. Although someone hits a vicious missed 180 flip.
Hey Hot Tag – Hey Beatings!
“HIs hands gotta hurt!” – Hernandez
Shawn hits the crossbody – the nip up. More Shawn Michaels punching. Superkick to someone… Shawn turns, eats the title belt. Gets pinned.
WINNER: THE SPIRIT SQUAD
Kenny then beats down the referee and grabs his belt and —
“Are they gonna hogtie him?” – Chris
— belt whippings.
“Come on Mister Hickenbottom – you are used to this” – Hernandez
HEY HERE COMES TRIPS!
“Is it time? For… the game?” – Bill
“Nah…” – Dani
Trips runs in, Pedigrees Cena. He raises his hands – pauses and gives Cena the crotchchops…. that’s that.
“I guess that means Cena… NOT in DX” – Chris
And to end the show… some commercials…. WAIT – NO – RIGHT INTO LAW & ORDER – WHAT?!?!?!?
What did the Rabble think?
“…yeah…” – Eric
“uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” – Chris
“That new Starburst commercial’s really funny” – Bill
“bleh” – Dani
“Started strong, went downhill, not even a DX Tease could help it” – Hernandez
“..monkeys..” – Jenna
And I think that pretty much settles it – WHAT THE HELL DID WE JUST WATCH?!
Any final views from Penny?
No 6PM live Raw here in BC tonight. Only thing I really hate about being a Canadian, (Besides the Rabble calling Conway one, EWWWWW), is that f*cking Hockey pre-empts everything. I hate Hockey. If God herself called a press conference to bitchslap Christianity and all other oppressive religions and proclaim “Play nice with your brothers and sisters or I’m taking the Earth away”, Hockey would still pre-empt it. Of course if the Vancouver Canucks had survived the playoffs I might have found a tiny reason to give a rat’s ass, if only because I live here.
So no commentary on tonight’s Raw because I won’t get the show until after James puts the Rabble up on IP. Instead, a few quick hits from the past month or so.
– ONLY reason Verne Gagne made HOF is because Vince is pimping old AWA footage on WWE 24/7. If Vince didn’t have a library of old tapes to suck the lifeblood from, Verne wouldn’t even have gotten nosebleed tickets.
– I want to see Mickey and Trish defect to WWECW so we can see them go fully all-out. They already hold back far less than half the men.
– It’s been suggested before but it really is time for Vince to step down and give Shane control. Shane and Shawn have been the only bright spots of this abysmally boring storyline. Although something they could have done at Backlash that would have been funny, is Vince making Shawn tag God, then trying to pin Godordering the referee to count it, only for the ref to get two and stop, trying to tell Vince God kicked out.
But I’m not part of UNCreative so funny isn’t likely to happen.
Looking forward to rumored Dreamer-ference tonight.
Til Next Week, I’m Penny. I turn 31 next Saturday. *weep* Damn it send me money!
Penny said it best… send us money. See you next week…
