The Midnight News
nice impression. it actually is kinda cute and funny, pretty right-on as well. i just dont get the reasoning for it. hyatte’s still the man.
paul in orange county.
Paulin Orange County, which is French for GET FUCKED, I AM Hyatt. Stop being a touchhole and keep up. If I am HYATT, then I am the man, so the only being done impression is that of your unique impression being left on the site.
Stop being retards…
I just wanted to say that your last article was hilarious, yet informative. Where do I go to the church that worships you?
Thomas Williams
Dearest Thomas,
THE CHURCH OF HYATT is soliciting donations as we speak. Surely, if you send a check to Inside Pulse’s corporate offices, they will direct it with my back issues of Cat Fancy and High Society.
THE CHURCH OF HYATT maintains a firm dress code: sweatpants and tank tops at all times…even in winter. If you can’t do this, or are afraid to show off DA GUNS, no worshipping can save your soul from the harsh judgment of the modern DAY DEITY…ME!
Oh, and bring canned goods and old sweaters for my cats.
We get very lonely up here at the TOP. 9 YEARS!
Actually, send some sweaters for me as well. My trailer…um, PALACE is really drafty.
Must be all the marble…
As a matter of fact, I have been trying to garner venture capital for my HYATT HOUSE OF AWESOME and School for Blind Women.
Why a school for the blind?
Blind chicks don’t care what you body looks like, only what it FEELS like.
They also know that they can’t hold out on giving up the sweet poon, as what guy doesn’t want a NORMAL chick to bang? One that doesn’t need to guide herself to your loins with the grace of two buffalos humping.
Blind Girls are easy.
I would have established a school for the criminally obese, but its much harder to feed the students there…according to the Department of Education in Barrow, Alaska (where I want to put the school…its cold, the HEADLIGHTS will be on!) we can’t legally hook anyone’s face up to a trough like in the olden days. We also can’t feed them with shovels.
HYATT HOUSE of AWESOME and School for Blind Women
Hrm… Gets by on pretty much nothing but jokes about rape, locker-room homoerotic insults, cheap jabs, and weakly covering the inherent lame suckness of his minimal talent by proclaiming himself godlike, trying to pass off an ego that probably isn’t actually there so he can improve his shaky self-esteem by trying to verbally cripple people he knows will never actually see his column.
Dude. You’re Meltzer without an editor.
Penny Fahlsred-Fife
Minimal talent? MINIMAL TALENT? 20,000 hits in a week equals minimal talent to you? Sad. People see my column, but if I wrote that Vin Diesel or Pauly Shore read my stuff, would that make you retract your statement?
Probably not.
So, I will take your email with a grain of salt. Just so you know, Pretty Penny, I will remember that. Don’t compare me to Meltzer again or I will show up at your house with a tractor trailer full of packing peanuts which I will spread out on your lawn.
Doesn’t sound that bad, does it?
Here’s the kicker…while you are outside laughing at home lame my attempt at revenge was, I will shit in your meatloaf.
Take that!
I’m still Hyatt and this is still the Midnight News. You are reading, so that means you think that this is funny. If you don’t, tough, I ALREADY GOT YOUR HIT…that UNIQUE IMPRESSION THAT ALEXA CAN’T FAKE!
Fuck SPYWARE TOOLBARS, the raw data says that numbers are UP since I came back for the SUMMER OF HYATT, and it will KEEP RISING LIKE THE HINDENBERG.
…
Bad example.
SMACKDOWN! REBOUND
Honestly, I am getting the impression that creative has been out of ideas for 6 years. Essentially, all the Smackdown crew can do is hope that no one notices how terrible this show has become.
Vince shows up, smiles, and Nipple H just pretends that everything is great. HELL, how bad is your creative team when the head DOESN’T enough confidence to go on maternity leave.
Christ, the bitch is bigger than Veruca Salt after a handful of candies.
What kind of candies did Veruca eat?
Who cares…I won’t be bothered to look it up. I liked the joke, and if I have to WORK for it to be awesome…I will just settle for good, then.
Also, does anyone else miss the “Beautiful People” days of Smackdown? I love that song…if I could dress it up like Fake Trish, I would rock it to sleep at night and gently kiss it’s mouth.
HIGH QUALITY SPEAKER BOY insults an arena full of migrant workers and ReyRey fans. That’s like shooting fish in a barrel…with a BAZOOKA. Seriously, the only people who cheer for GEY MISTICO are 9 and they have brain injuries from childbirth.
HONESTLY, he’s a MIDGET!
Also, Rey will be getting a little more cash next week when he starts portraying DAVE FINLAY’s Leprechaun Lover. Tasty!
HURRICRAP joins the announcers for MUY LOCO vs KID BAWITDABA vs LITTLE DAYGO…GUIDO isn’t much better! Winner gets a title shot…LOCO wins with a Mexican “Dropped Out of School” Boy. This is much different than the Mexican “Dropped Out of School to Work with Father at Wal-Mart” Boy, in that he grabs BAWITDABA’s wallet on the way out of the ring.
TWO MEN WHO OBVIOUSLY AREN’T BEING TESTED AS PART OF WWE’S MANDATORY “WELLNESS” PROGRAM beat two other people in a match that I got up and made some HotPockets during. I have a thing for Steak and Cheese, and after a hard day cleaning Public Restrooms at the Mall, nothing hits the spot quite like a Cheesesteak baked in Pie Crust!
In the MONARCH OF THE MAT Semifinals, BIG BLACK DUDE WITH NO PERSONALITY(not named Shelton) defeated DAVE “Not Quite as” FIT “as he used to be” FINLAY to advance to take on BOOKER T. (WASHINGTON.) The winner will get a title shot on BET.
DONKEY KONG eats PAUL Burchill with a side of grits. Blech. Wow. KIRK ANGLE works for YEARS…YEARS with a broken neck and messed up knees and he is repaid with ANOTHER PPV MATCH with the second most worthless wrestler on the WWE payroll other than CARLITO CARIBBEAN COOL! Thanks for your help through the tough times, KIRK. We’ll get back to you when you weigh more than JESUS BOY (HBK or AJ Styles, you choose.)
MAIN EVENT TIME:
GIANT KHALI beats ReyRey to death with his own arm. I fell asleep during the match to the dulcet tones of Tazz’s reminding me how DANGEROUSSSS a man KHALI is to men with ENCEPHALITIS and POST CONCUSSION SYNDROME.
He’s a KILLER…
Great idea. BOOK REY weak so he makes JBL look like a HYATT…I mean GOD! I love IT! Evidently, REY gets KANE this week on the day his MOVIE opens in theaters. THAT WILL BE (a) FUN (time to go to laundry.)
All in all, a terrible show by a terrible brand wasting my time for watching. Next summer, I am coming back to Inside Pulse to do recaps of synchronized swimming events.
That or water polo.
I haven’t ironed out all the details yet.
A FUN FACTOID TO IMPRESS SLUTS
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
And just like that, you are smarter than you were two seconds ago!
Hyatt LIVES to inform!
IN OTHER NEWS
Everyone in the IWC is talking about the latest clash of Mega-Egos, BOOKER T and DAVE BATISTA. Turns out that Batista wasn’t pummeled by the Book for talking to his woman, but due to an attitude problem.
You see, I guess Big Dave likes to remind all the other workers that he is “friends with management” and considers himself as big a star as the Rock or Stone Cold.
His arms are bigger, if that matters, but the guy can’t lay down in bed without tearing a tricep. You should have seen the mess it caused when he and Wifey Dave(!) decided to procreate. He tore two abdominal muscles and both hamstrings…and SHE WAS ON TOP!
Anyway, management has noticed that the problems with Book’s temper have gotten worse the past few years…he’s now attacked several members of the WWE family for various reasons now, and I have compiled a list of the victims of the Five TIME, FIVE TIME WCW World Champion:
– attacked Howard Finkel for bogarting a joint they shared at an Econo Lodge in El Paso.
– Punched Max Mini for walking between his legs while making elephant noises.
– Bit Benoit’s tongue during an intense make-out session with an unnamed WWE Diva. Benoit responding by slashing the tires of his own rental car and blaming it on Matt Hardy, which got Hardy fired from WWE…again, until his 500,000 fans signed a petition stating that they would each purchase the next TNA PPV, twice, if WWE didn’t re-sign Matt immediately.
– On a transatlantic flight, it is rumored that BOOKER was caught having sex with Melina while eating a taco in the men’s lavatory. When the door was pried open by airplane security, he punched the men in the face and used the blood as lube.
– Punched Vince for the “nigga” line he spoke to WIGGERMAN…three months later. Vince fined WIGGERMAN for not being a better champion, and sent him to Trinidad to wrestle in a cow pasture.
– Attacked CM Punk at ‘Mania because it seemed like a good way to get a World Title program…and it worked!
– Booker assaulted Steve Austin two weeks into his tenure with WWE for calling him “boy” during a promo. He tied Stone Cold to the urinal in a truck stop and paid the homeless people sleeping in the stalls to take dumps on him.
– Tore the arm off of a ReyRey teddy bear and force fed it to the Undertaker because “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
– Once slapped Hulk Hogan’s orange ass just for the fun of it. Hogan lobbied to have Booker sent to “sensitivity training,” a task that Booker agreed to. When he was finally cleared by the program to return to work, Booker removed Hulk’s right hip with a plastic spoon that he found on the floor of the arena and a piece of broken plywood. He made Hogan drink his own blood from his cupped hands while continually asking him for more.
– Booker assaulted UMAGA at an INTERBRAND show for not knowing how to speak fluent English. When Umaga started crying, he hit him two more times with a dictionary. Not sure why, but he did.
– Book and Orton Sr. were at the mall doing a signing a few months back. Bob remarked to a fan that Book was the first TOTALLY black man to win a world title. Book shook his head and stepped away from the table. He walked down the block to the CDC and returned with a needle full of blood. When Bob wasn’t looking, he stabbed him directly in the neck with the tainted needle…giving him Hep C.
– Urinated into a cup that Lillian Garcia was drinking from…at a Burger King in Manhasset, L.I. because she asked him the last night he had gone to Wendy’s.
– Attempted to drown Christian in his own pool during a Fourth of July cookout…an angle that Totally NONSENSICAL Assclowns have since duplicated.
– John Cena was an average, run of the mill pro wrestler in the making when Booker met him in California. Cena asked where he got his weave because he wanted to get one himself. Booker punched Cena so hard that his face fell off and he bled to death. The John Cena you see today is actually a trained baby ape. Vince bleaches and shaves Cenape himself!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
After months…no…YEARS of Triple H bashing, I am fed up with the shenanigans!
Here at INSIDEPULSE!111!!!! I feel safe letting the youngsters know one of the MILLIONS of reasons Triple H is to be worshipped as the TRUE KING OF KINGS…don’t listen to Shawn Michaels…drop on your knees at the feet of HUNTER…
Triple H is Better Than You Because…
When Tazz first entered WWE, he was trying to negotiate a World Title Run for himself at Titan Towers. Trips walked up to him without looking him in the eye and stared over his head into space while singing “Short People Got No Reason To Live.”
Tazz became an announcer months later at his therapist’s recommendation.
THIS HAS BEEN TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY HYATT. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
THE SACRIFICE MOP-UP
So, tonight was a great evening for TNA, as the shithole presented it’s own WCW circa-2000 show, Sacrifice.
IT SUCKED.
Now, the new contract requires that I talk about TNA now, but I was just looking at my email inbox, and something MUCH more important popped up…
…
Geoffhyatt… Nasty teens get $lammed h@rd
An irresistib]e girl getting an orgasm
So, that’s the opener. The hard slamming is OnDemand taking a massive dump during opening match: Liger-Williams.
The nasty teen is…Jeremy Borash.
Next up was AMW (root beer?) against Jesus Boy Jr. and Vanilla TNA Midget IV
Here’s what “Jamar Welsh” had to say:
Get A Free Porn DVD today!
Visit our site for info!
That says it all. I clicked a link and watched porn instead, so if someone knows who won, contact me.
At this point, I decided to ask a buddy of mine to go in on a hooker with me, but he turned me down. I killed him. I quickly ran to the backyard and began digging a very shallow grave for him when I realized that I had more TNA to watch. The gun I had used on him was out of bullets, so I removed one of his fingers and poked out my own eyes.
I still had to listen to the show, but at least I wouldn’t have to see what happened next:
Larry Zbysko…whatever…called out the 300 lb. Raven who decided to anally ingest Steak Sauce Man. I didn’t see Raven as a fat, sweaty, balding mess, I just listened to his skin flap around.
One year ago, that man was the World Champion. He makes a snide remark about Hyatt in a DVD…one of his Secret of the Ringrats doohickeys.
Now he is fat with Thyroid problems…do YOU wanna f*ck with me?
Anyway, it sounded like a fun match, but I was too busy swatting away the cat, who was now clawing at the wound in my face.
BOBBY DISCOURTEOUS GUY Defeated Terry “I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR” Rhino in a crappy match that had me asking myself when the pain was going to end. I decided to start pouring beer on my face to stay awake.
Bad idea.
When I awoke in Cranston, R.I. there was a note pinned to my Sunny t-shirt. It read:
“Hyatt,
You showed up at my place again while I was getting hammered by two fratboys. There friends were taping it all for the internet…I’m GONNA BE A STAR!
Anway…don’t do that again.
Kisses,
Fake Trish
P.S. some Weedrow guy called to remind you to finish your review of TNA Sacrifice. Sounds like a Creed song.
*groan*
TEAM 3D lost to PIGTAILS and OLD WIGGER when OLD WIGGER got help from “friends above.” By above, they meant the rafters, and by friends, they meant Korean Super Slut, Gail Kim. She dropped a nightstick and the match was over. THANK GOD.
ALMOST THERE!
WE GET TO SEE THE END OF THE LIGER-PETEY “DON’T CALL ME PETER” MATCH. IT SUCKED.
THE CONFUSING MATCH INVOLVING 16 SKINNY DUDES WAS WON BY PETER…ER, PETEY. Judging by Don West’s reaction, if Peter…Petey hadn’t won, his mother was going to be skinned alive by Samoa Joe and roasted onstage. That, and, this whole World X Cup shit makes no sense.
Maybe it was the 12 beers I slammed during the card, but none of this made sense to me.
I also pissed myself.
No, I wasn’t laughing…I just had to go REAL BAD!
Kevin Nash came out and killed Puma, the runner-up. Everyone at the TNA show yawned and checked the internet on their cellphones to see if anyone cared. No one did. But I LOVE THIS FAT BASTARD.
I won’t lie…if I could, I would have bought $300 million Diesel shirts on my own. I would STILL have cool threads by the time that they were “retro” and “hip” and I would WEAR THEM WITH CUT-OFF JEAN SHORTS and laugh.
TUB o’ GOO and STINK beat Double Gay and Big Poopa Piss when Tub o’ consumed 59 1/2 hot dogs in under 12 minutes. Joe waddled his way through this one and his BITCH TITS have earned him the indie-cred he so desperately craved…too bad it won’t lead to fame and glory, but every man has decisions to make.
CANADIAN (road) RAGE CHRISTIAN CAGE won the FULL METAL MAYHEM match over Abyss when he retrieved the belt that was suspended HIGH above the TNA ring. By high, I mean 7 feet because we all know that TNA is shot in tool shed in Dixie Carter’s backyard. She uses it for her HOT SEXXXY PARTIES when the show isn’t taping.
Why, where did YOU think that Tub o’ Goo got the bloody towel from?
All in all, a horrible night. I murdered a friend and took out my own eyes, but still had to listen to it. I am typing from memory right now…so iffsomethign isn’ttt spleete right, my badd. Feuck it…I tryed.
Poor Christian. This guy comes up with an ingenious gimmick, that of Captain Charisma, and he trademarks it for himself. WWE found out and fired his spindly ass back to Canadia, by way of Tampa, and now he’s in TNA wrestling Abyss.
Abyss used to vacuum my car out at the Mobil down the street from my house. His real name is Dewey, and if he is 6’8″, I have a 55-lb. dick.
Christian, screw the kayfabe, JAY RESO makes an intelligent business decision because he was tired of being screwed by the folks in Stamford, and when he comes to TNA, he gets to wrestle THIS.
Honestly, he will either lose his title to Jarrett or Bitch Tits Joe, and what will he have earned for the hardships and 10 years on the road?
Nothing.
He will have sold 10,000 t-shirts that he gets $5 a pop on. So, he is going to retire with that money? He couldn’t afford to pay MY mortgage with that, let alone his.
You saw his screened in pool.
The HOUSE OF HYATT is expensive. So is the SUMMER OF HYATT, and this one ain’t stopping until someone’s Mom sues me for insulting her son/daughter in an email.
And then I f*ck her with my fist on top of the dinner table.
While the kids watch.
That’s how I roll, bitches!
32
Hyatt
