Tommy P’s Raw Coverage 5/15/06

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Evening lady and gents. I’m Tom Pandich and tonight is quite the night. Why, well we’re starting off with a WORLD TITLE MATCH!!!

Triple H vs John Cena: Hopefully, hopefully”¦

Lillian does introductions. First comes Triple H and then here comes”¦Vince McMahon. Shit. Why do we have to be cock teased so often? Vince says that both Rob Van Dam and John Cena will take on Triple H, Shelton Benjamin, and Chris Masters in a Texas Tornado double title match. If Cena gets pinned he loses the World title, if Rob gets pinned, he loses the IC Title. Fair enough”¦

Triple H, Shelton Benjamin, and Chris Masters vs Rob Van Dam and John Cena: Clusterf*ck Tornado Title Match

Cena charges the ring to start things off attacking Triple H followed by Shelton and Masters, then Rob. They go after each other and start beating each other all to hell. Cena gets dumped by Triple H while Rob is double teamed. Triple H takes Cena down on the outside before getting his head smashed into the steps. Cena gains a slight advantage over Triple H while RVD dumps Masters and hits Shelton with a hurincaneranna. RVD then does a suicide diving taking out Cena, Masters, and Triple H which takes us to commercial.

We’re back with Cena dumping Masters but eating a main event spinebuster by the Game. RVD, Masters, and Benjamin are all out. Cena hits the rope and nails two diving shoulderblocks on the Hs followed by a power slam for two. Cena gets dumped by Triple H who then takes the time to slam RVD’s face into the steps. Cena fights off Triple H but gets attacked by Shelton who uses a spinning heel kick to send Cena into the stands. That leaves RVD inside with Masters.

Masters works over RVD as Shelton and Triple H go after each other. Shelton hits the rising knee, Masters hits a suplex, and the Hs hits the dropping knee. Shelton levels RVD with a huge roundhouse for two as Triple H breaks up the count. Shelton argues with Triple H as Masters hooks on the Masterlock which then gets broken up. RVD turns things around and takes things over. RVD flips over Triple H hitting a clothesline on Shelton and a spin kick on Masters. He then hits the Rolling Thunder on Shelton Benjamin and then tries for the Five Star Frog Splash on Masters but gets pushed off the top by Triple H.

Cena hits the ring and cleans house ending with Shelton locked in to the STFU for quite some time before Masters breaks it up. Shelton comes back in and we go through a ton of finishers. Shelton takes a Five Star. RVD eats a Pedigree and Masters eats a FU. Triple H sees Cena with his back turned and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! He makes the cover but not before Shelton does. 1, 2, 3. New IC champ!

Winner and New Intercontinental Champion: Shelton Benjamin

Triple H is pissed and Mike Chioda eats a Pedigree as we go to break.

We’re back and during the break Triple H didn’t give an interview. Later tonight, Shawn Michaels has a match with Kenny from the Spirit Squad, and Mick Foley tells all! Anywho, here comes Trish and she challenges Mickey James. Here comes Mickey James and she charges Trish. Trish does the Matrix dodge and Mickey flips out. In comes the mysterious attacker from last weak and she sends Mickey out. WWE is calling her “Beth”. Well”¦ one more wrestler for the woman’s division.

Last weak”¦ I mean week was the premiere for See No Evil. Wrestlers and fans alike comment on the craziness of the film. There you go. Commercial break.

We’re back and expect my See No Evil review for Inside Pulse Movies this Saturday.

This week in wrestling history”¦ I had to drop a deuce so I missed it. Anywho, Shane-O-Mac wants Triple H to interfere in the Shawn Michaels/Kenny match since the Spirit Squad is banned. Also Shane is the guest ref. Is tonight the full face turn for Triple H? I hope so.

Spirit Squad vs Snitsky and Golddust: Tag Title Match

Spirit Squad mocks Snitsky and Golddust with a cheer. Ok, I love the Spirit Squad, but that was awful. It’s time to give these guys a break. Commercials.

We’re back and Anthony Michael Hall is in the crowd. He’s in the USA’s “The Dead Zone”. Anywho, the match starts off with Johnny and Snitsky. Snitsky uses a hip toss to take over on Johnny. He makes a tag to Golddust who drops Johnny. Johnny tags in Nicky who is worked over by Golddust. Inverted atomic drop and that drop to the knees punch in the face move that he does. The match turns though as Golddust is tripped by someone on the Spirit Squad. They beat Golddust on the outside and proceed to make this a face in peril type situation. Golddust does his best to get some heat from the Texas Tech crowd. A brief Golddust chant starts up as Johnny gets a two count off a small hip toss. Nicky makes the tag but gets caught in a backslide for two. Golddust hits a giant powerslam and finally makes the tag.

Snitsky comes in like a house of fire and is stopped by an eye poke. Regardless, he beats the hell out of everyone until eating a huge bulldog from Mikey from the outside on a trampoline into the ring. Heck of a spot.

Winners and still champs: The Spirit Squad

Here comes Foley. Promo with Edge is next.

The problem with Foley’s turn last week is he attacked Tommy Dreamer, someone the marks have little to no knowledge of. The turn doesn’t work because too few marks know Tommy Dreamer and the smarts know that it isn’t a Tommy Dreamer match unless he gets a mudhole stomped into his ass. It’d be like me beating the everloving hell out of someone like Steve Cook. Sure, he may write for 411 but nobody gives a shit about him so the feud wouldn’t work at all.

Anyways, here comes Mick to a moderately positive reaction. Mick says he knows what everyone is thinking, why was he hanging out with Melina last week at Kane’s movie premier. Foley then gets down to business talking about why he beat the hell out of Tommy Dreamer. Foley says he’s sorry to each and every one of them including Tommy. He’d personally apologize to Tommy, but he’s not here tonight. Apparently a barb wired bat to the testicles isn’t that good for his health. Foley got a pissed off answering machine message from another famous hardcore wrestler who is here tonight. It’s Texas’ very own TERRY FUNK!

A promo from the dumpster match is shown from Wrestlemania XIV where Foley and Terry beat the hell out of the New Age Outlaws. Terry yells at Foley and says what he did to Tommy was wrong. Foley says that what he and Edge created defined hardcore and that he wouldn’t want any second rate wrestlers from ECW tarnishing that. Foley cares about three things, his wife, his children, and his legacy as a WWE Hardcore Legend. Funk says that Foley is ECW and says that Foley is like a son to Funk.

Foley starts to go on a rant about how it has been since 1998 since Foley and Funk were in a WWE ring together. Foley said the night that he was presented the Hardcore Title they told him that Terry Funk wasn’t coming because he wanted too much money. Foley says that broke his heart. He then says that he’s waiting for that call, it may come in a month or a year, but that call that says Mick we’re sorry, Terry’s dead. Foley says he’ll think about saying it’ll cost you to get me down to that West Texas hellhole. Instead, Foley will fly down for free just to spit on Funk’s grave.

Terry Funk starts slapping Foley and says to come on. Foley looks to leave until Terry says his wife is a whore, his children are bastards, and the WWE sucks. Foley takes a few rights but Terry fights him off and takes him down. Edge comes in and Funk takes him down with a few awful looking rights. Lita nails Funk with a low blow allowing Edge to get a few shots in with the barbed wire bat and then a Mandible Claw followed by a spear ends things. Great promo, what last week should have been.

In the ring, it’s good old Matt Striker. He runs down Texans and Texas Tech before saying he’s going to take out Eugene.

Eugene vs Matt Striker: Eric S’s dreams come true

Eugene comes down in a big foam hat and proceeds to dominate Eugene until Eugene retards up. Eugene hits the airplane spin, misses the Stunner, but hits the big leg and the big leg drop for two. Striker blocks the Rock Bottom and hits an inverted neck breaker and his finisher for a win. Huzzah.

Winner: Matt Striker

It’s time for a Kane retrospective. We see footage of Kane being insane and setting people on fire. No X-Pac, no voice box, and no Kane love stories. It ends with Kane’s silly May 19th flipping out. The promo takes us to commercial.

We’re back and we recap the last thirty seconds of the opening contest tonight. To make things a bit better, the kiss cam logo is up for the first ten seconds of it.

In the back, Maria is with Carlito. Maria is confused but hot as she goes through what’s up with Carlito, Eugene, and Matt Striker. Maria loves Carlito’s shirt but doesn’t understand the spit or swallow reference. Carlito asks if Maria spits or swallows. She clarifies whether or not he means an apple for the FCC. He says sure and she says she swallows. That is cool.

Also in the back, Candice Michelle is with Vinnie Mac. Triple H interrupts the two. Vince says that he scratched Triple H’s back tonight, so he’ll scratch Vince’s and hands him the sledgehammer. Triple H doesn’t say a word as he takes it and leaves.

Well we’re back and it’s time for Armando to cut his same rap and Umaga for his squash. Armando says Tayhas rather Texas, ha ha.

Umaga vs Tayhan jobber: Ick

The jobber has a lazy eye. “I think that hurt, ha ha.” Umaga splats the jobber with one neat spot as he puts him up on the steps and then flips him over his head to the floor. A super thumb of doom ends it.

Winner: Umaga

To everyone who says Monster Heels need this type of push”¦.well thanks. I blame this on you.

Smackdown Rebound sees Rey hit a seated senton on JBL before the Great Kahli makes the World Champ look like an absolute chump. That was ugly in a completely different way then they wanted it to be.

The Spirit Squad cheers on Shane as he and Kenny head to the ring.

We’re back and they show the same video of See No Evil’s premier that they showed earlier tonight.

Shawn Michaels vs Kenny /w Triple H: Special Guest Ref Shane-o-Mac!

Bleh, commercials.

We’re back and we get a recap of Michaels recent beatings at the hands of the Spirit Squad. Texas’ own Shawn Michaels gets a massive pop.

Michaels comes in and cleans house and chases Kenny around the ring. Kenny eventually takes over though through a combination of shenanigans and Shane’s help. Triple H sits outside the ring watching. Shane drops his belt and Kenny proceeds to choke out and whip Kenny. Shane tries to get Triple H in to do some dirty work which allows Shawn to take over. Shawn hits the flying shoulderblock, kips up and grabs the belt beating Shane out. Shawn hits the elbow drop, the inverted atomic drop, and the always great super kick.

Shane comes in and gets a beating on Shawn calling Triple H in. Triple H says to Shawn “I want you to see this coming,” and he charges Shawn who ducks and Shane eats a sledgehammer shot. Vince coddles Shane and cries into his arms. Vince looks up and gives his great “I’m so pissed” look at Triple H as we fade to black.

Great show overall. The Foley promo was gold, the tornado match was fun, and Striker is quickly becoming Raw’s most entertaining heel. See you all next week. Have a nice night.