TO THE MOST HONEST – FORTHRIGHT – POWERFUL – DELICIOUS
SEXY – NON-GOLF RELATED WRESTLING COLUMN ON THE INTERNETS
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome once again everyone to the wrestling column that kicks your ass into high gear, spins you out, rolls you over, lays you down, and does it again. It’s the Rabble and let me now introduce the stars of the show. The Divas. The Bots. The Drones.
HERRRREEEEE’S THE RABBLE:
Jenna – The Pogue
Hernandez – The Murphy
Eric – The Molly
Chris – The ..47?
Bill – The ‘wumba
And me – your certified Mic – James Hatton
Tonight on Raw we are starting with the main event apparently, and later Shawn is going to be facing Kenny with a special ref. Oh could we be seeing some Black & Green action? Oh, we know we will be. Also tonight’s PENNY CANDY WITH THE RABBLE will be interspersed amongst my column, just to try it out! Also remember Penny’s opinions are her own and do not relate to the Rabble or those affiliated with it. Thank you.
Now before we get to the show – let me first thank our sponsors:
– NWS Wrestling: An indy fed on the rise.
And Now Introducing Thanks to The Perfect Score Podcast I present to you:
MONDAYNIGHTRABBLE.COM
Now in the future – these links will be at the bottom – but for a few weeks I just want to thank everyone for supporting the Rabble, making it one of the most wild rides for your Tuesday read.
And the show begins…
Hey, here comes Triple H right after the big intro from Lillian.
“From the MEAN STREETS…” – Hernandez
“He wasn’t from the Mean Streets..” – Eric
“Look at that nose.” – Hernandez
“IT’S ALL ABOUT THE CURTAIN.. AND HOW YOU JERK IT!” – Bill
“Wait what? A match? A TITLE match? The hell? Did someone slip Creative some woohoo juice and let Heyman book?” – Penny
And just as they are about to introduce Cena – NO CHANCE IN HELL TIME!
Here comes Vinnie Mac…
“Oh wait, there’s Vince, promo time, now it’s the Raw we know and… wait what? Vince kept it short? And we STILL have a match? Okay, I’m hearing a Rod Serling monologue coming.” – Penny
“I’ve got news – I’ve got great news…” – Vince
“The test comes back negative” – Hernandez
“I saved money on my insurance by using Geico” – Chris
“I’m changing the main event tonight. Not only will the WWE Title be held up tonight but also the Intercontinental Title tonight.” – Vince
He then decides it’s going to be –
RVD – JOHN CENA vs. TRIPLE H – CHRIS MASTERS – SHELTON BENJAMIN
In a Texas Tornado – Handicapped – Title Match
TRIPLE H vs. JOHN CENA
…wait… no it’s not…
TRIPLE H & RVD vs. MASTERS & SHELTON & TRIPLE H
Well Cena starts with Trips – and in runs Masters and Benjamin… where’s RVD?
THERE HE IS – grabbed by Masters and as Benjamin comes after him – he ducks. On the outside Triple H is beating down on Cena. IN the ring RVD gets powerslammed by Chris Masters and kicked around for a bit.
Trips throws Cena into some steps.
“Cena doesn’t have his shirt off yet” – Lawler
“And I want to see his manly chest” – Chris
Shelton and Masters beating on RVD in the middle of the ring as Cena finally gets the upper hand on Trips. Finally Masters gets dumped over the top by RVD.
“Please.. break an elbow” – Chris
RVD seeming quite slow as noted by most of us as well as IP-MOVIES own Shaun Norton. Who said I don’t support the Inside Pulse Writing team? Shelton tries to back bodydrop him, but he reversals onto his feet – Rana to Shelton and then a plancha from the toprope to RVD/CENA/MASTERS annnnddd…
COMMERCIAL (9:10 – First Commercial Break)
We’re back (at 9:13) and we come in to see Triple H spinebust Cena. Cena gets up and shouldertackless Trips a few times and gets kicked in the gut to fall to the corner as Trips goes to the outside to attack RVD some.
Cena crawls out only to get attacked by Benjamin – and a missed spinning heel sends him to the crowd. Now in the ring is Masters with RVD – and Rob is having some problems. Being beaten down now by all three men taking turns on Van Dam.
They each take turns – first Shelton hangs RVD on the second rope and eats a kneelift from Shelton. Masters gives him the vertical suplex. Hunter hits the kneedrop.
“It’s nice that they are giving you wrestling at the beginning of the show” – Dani (who has just appeared)
Shelty’s turn – BEAUTIFUL spinkick. Pin for two, interrupted by Trips.
They go nose to nose while Masters sends him in the RVD
“THISH ISH THE FINESHT MOVE EVER MAAADE” – Me
Both Benjy and Trips attack Masters – and after a long argument Trips goes to RVD and gets hit in the face. He leaps over Trips – Clotheslines Shelty – Heelkicks Trips – throws Masters out – Rolling Thunder to Benjy – Top rope! ANd Trips drops him off and IN RUNS CENA!
Cena goes and clotheslines and kicks EVERYONE! Samoan drop to Masters – Belly to Belly to Trips – Spinning Bomb to Shelton – and he hits the ropes for the five knuckle. He turns around and is about to eat a pedigree, but Cena tosses him over the top. Masters runs in – and Cena holds the top rope. Down he goes
“POWWDERED TOASSST MAAAaaaaaannnn….ow” – Jenna
He drop toeholds Benjamin out of nowhere!
“I saw Big Show do this last week” – Bill
“CONTINUITY!” – Hernandez
Masters runs in and stops the finisher as everyone slowly enters the ring. RVD turns around only to find Triple H’s boot. The rest goes so fast it’s hard to even explain, so we go to bullet points:
* Pedigree to RVD
* FU to Masters
* Turn Kick Wham Pedigree to Cena!
Shelton rolls over to land on top of RVD!
Trips rolls over to pin Cena!
The ref is closer to Benjamin though!
ONE
TWO
THREE
WINNER: ——-DECLARED SHELTON BENJAMIN IC WINNER!
Triple H goes after the ref – KICK – WHAM – PEDIGREE!
“WAIT – He did three pedigrees – you can’t store three pedigrees in the game?!?!” – Bill
“He Hacked The Game!” – Cena
“..he pwnd them..” – Dani (isn’t she cute?)
COMMERCIAL (9:20 – Second Break and an awesome show so far!)
“I think we can only be in for a letdown now..” – Chris
“That was last week’s main event..” – Eric
During the break – Todd Grisham
“Got pedigreed” – Chris
was there as Triple H storms through and says nothing.
“You got sweat on my suit…” – Chris
“You got suit on my sweat?” – Me
Later – Mick Foley tells all.
“And a live sex celebration in the middle of the ring?” – Bill
“Mick couldn’t get that lucky” – Jenna
“Yeah Edge is pretty hot..” – Me and Eric
Now here comes Trish! She’s wearing a nice white tank top and jean ensemble.. not bad.
She grabs the mic: “Hey Mickey, you and I have a little unfinished business. This isn’t about the woman’s championship – this is about you and me..”
“Getting it on” – Eric
“But your arm is a sling?” – Dani
“I need to introduce you to the shocker” – Chris
Here comes Mickie wearing an orange skirt and white lil lacey top… so far Mickie is a little ahead on the game.
I guess there is a match? Mickie charges and Trish Matrix ducks and new blonde girl out of nowhere comes and clotheslines her!
Trish grabs the mic – “Remember your old friend Beth.. meet my new friend Beth.”
Beth takes the mic – she is upset what Mickie did to her!
“What did she do to her?” – Dani
“We don’t know…” – Eric
“The thick plottens” – Me
Mickie bails. Interesting, Beth is kinda hot.. a little jowley, but not so bad.
We get a preview of See No Evil – with various people trying to convince us how scary it is, with shots in the theater done in the nightvision cam.
“Thank you Paris Hilton Cam” – Chris
And at the end it tells us it debuts – Friday.
“Why doesn’t it say May 19th?” – Eric
“So people don’t remember Da Vinci Code” – Chris
COMMERCIAL (9:31 – Third)
“Okay, Beth is hot but we need more explanation for why she hates Mickie. After months of the best promos and action ON Raw, this was…. Well, it was short, predictable and kind of boring. I guess Vince finally realized they were upstaging him. But then again Vince is so out of it Eugene could upstage him by this point.’ – Penny
This week in Wrestling: May 17th, 1963
Bruno Sammartino beat Buddy Rogers in 60 seconds to win the WWWF Title starting his run as one of the greatest champions ever.
Holding it for 7.5 years. Good times.
Now to Triple H throwing things and Shane showing up! The Chairman is collecting on his favor for giving Trips his title match… tonight, of course, is Shawn’s match.
Trips argues that he will NOT be the Special Ref – but he isn’t… apparently Shane is, Trips gets to be Kenny’s enforcer.
Now though it’s time for the Spirit Squad!
“The Squash Squad?” – Hernandez
It’s tag team title match! The Spirit Squad charges in and leaps in via Trampopoline!
First before we find out who they face – we get a cheer! A horrible cheer… but a cheer nonetheless…
“Their cheering is so horrible – they are awesome! They need to watch Bring It On” – Dani
“They need to watch Bring It On & Breakin’ in one night” – Hernandez
“Can WE watch Bring It On & Breakin in one night?” – Me
“Yes… except for Breakin” – Dani
COMMERCIAL (9:39 – Fourth)
So they’re up against the New Oddities. Um….. HOW is Snitsky still getting camera time instead of Charlie Jannetty… er Haas? Gee, I feel a bathroom break coming on.
Sidenote – (Since I care about this match only marginally more than I care that Bush is mumbling more lies today) – Widro? I want Grut’s job. I know he thinks he’s funny trying to get you sued while pissing all over the site that gave him a voice but the guy just isn’t funny! Hell the Lance Storm bit was downright nauseating! Dude change his password or something! He’s taking a sledgehammer to the knees of IP’s credibility. – Penny
THE SPIRIT SQUAD vs. SNITSKY & GOLDDUST
Wheeeeee
Anthony Michael Hall is here!
“No you’re a genius because you can’t make a lamp…… …too obscure?” – Me
Anyway – here comes Snits & Dust! Or as they refer to themselves ‘Genie & Goldie’
Johnny and Nickie will be the team tonight – and they went back to labeling the back of their shirts. Johnny starting off and a lock up with Snitsky. Sideheadlock from Johnny, but he throws him to the ropes and a shouldertackle drops him.
Snitsky tosses him to the ropes and Johnny goes for a hiptoss – denied – Snitsky’s own hiptoss and a dropped elbow for two. Snitsky throws him into the corner, hits the tag and now Dust gets reversed on the irish whip and a butt bounce from Dust.
Johnny bails and tags Nickie – Hiptoss – some arm wringer – legdrop – armbar now working it hard from Dust. Dust hits the ropes and slaps Nickie – then hits the ropes again and is dropped down by the remaining SS – finally Nick bails and throws him in – goes for a pin for two.
We are currently trying to figure out if it’s Mickie or Nickie…. we’ll get to the point of this later. Anyway – The SS cheats against Dust for a bunch of two counts. Front chantry (facelock) from Mickie. We take a long moment to discuss the origins of the word Chantry and come back and nothing has happened.
Nickie tags in Johnny as Dust TRIES to fight out of the corner, but fails. There are lots of holdspots – and not much fun commentary. Until finally a reversal from Dust who hits a SNAP powerslam – and after a fight to get there – a tag to Snitsky… and.. wait.. Snitsky is the HOT TAG?!?!?! Weird world. He goes powerhouse over them – double clothesline dropping Mickie and Johnny – and a close two count – Dust runs in to help and gets bailed over the top rope!
Out of nowhere Mikey charges – hits the trampopoline – BULLDOGS SNITSKY! Pulls Nickie on top of Snitsky – And that is it!
WINNER: SPIRIT SQUAD
*looks up* Oh good, the filler is over. The Vinceler Youth won. – Penny
Coming next – Mick Foley looking dapper.
COMMERCIAL (9:52 – Fifth)
We get a last week replay of the Hardcore cluster’f’ from last week… Tommy Dreamer getting his ass handed to him. Foley kissing Lita’s hand.
Now though here comes Foley still getting the cheers!
He explains how unbelievable it was that he did all of that. He then apologizes with one hand. He would have apologized to Tommy Dreamer, but he had an adverse reaction to a barbed wire bat to his genitals…. ha!
Now though he wants to talk to a legend.. his mentor…
“Chainsaw Charlie!” – Hernandez
“13 Time Retiree” – Hernandez
It’s Terry Funk! They give us a replay of the tag match between Road Dogg & Billy Gun vs. Mick and Terry in 1998…
“How come he looks younger now than in 1998?” – Chris
Funk comes on out and wants to know why he did it… Foley and Funk yell at each other for a while…
“We made HISTORY at Wrestlemania!” – Foley
“WHY DID YOU DO IT?” – Funk
“LOUD NOISES!” – Chris
Foley explains that he doesn’t give a damn about ECW – he cares about his family and his legend. Well Funk explains that ECW is family.. and Mick is ECW.. and I’m ECW.. and I’m You… And… WHAT IS GOING ON!?!??!
“ANd now we are in love..” – Chris
So Funk believes Foley is like a son to him..
“And I’m a son to you..??” – Hernandez
Foley wants to know where Terry Funk wasn’t there for Mick’s Hardcore induction ceremony? Because apparently Funk wanted too much money to be there. So this is Foley’s ring. Foley’s WWE. When Funk dies – he will want money. Money to come out to a dump like West Texas…
“It’s nice to remind him that he’s on death’s doorstep..” – Chris
“I’m gonna kick your ass” – Foley
Funk then screams ‘TAKE IT’ as he slaps Foley.. over and over and over
“Aww crap he’s stuck in a loop” – Bill
“NO PAIN… NO PAIN… NO PAIN..” – Hernandez
So Foley’s about to leave and Funk tells him his wife is a whore.. and his kids are bastards..
“And I’m their dad..” – Me
“Your kids have gingivitus..” – Roommate Randy out of nowhere
So Funk says something that makes Foley attack him and they go back and forth – Funk finally comes out on top. Edge charges in and gets beatdown by Funk until Lita comes and lowblows him. Out comes Socko – Hits the Spear
“The Mandible Spear?” – Eric
“The Spandible?” – Me
“The Mandilear?” – Chris
So Foley has gotten his heel turn in a weird sort of pro-WWE bit.. interesting, not sticking, but interesting.
COMMERCIAL (10:12 – Sixth)
Now in the ring is Matt Stryker – wearing a pink sweater..
“That’s a sweater VEST” – Bill
Also yellow shorts.
“Pink sweatervest – yellow banana hammock.. I’m out. Matt Stryker is done” – Chris
So he makes fun of Texans. Then introduces Eugene who is wearing a giant hat.
“Cheap ploy by the WWE” – Chris
“By bringing out a retard?” – Me
“A retard…. in a hat” – Bill
So Stryker throws out Eugene’s hat – and he goes and gets it – only to turn around and get a kick in the face. He drags Eugene in and throws Eugene to the corner.
“Matt Stryker – he’s got the nuts..” – Bill
“And sadly, I can see them” – Chris
He brings Eugene into the ring with a front headlock and kicks Eugene in the knee to drop him down… but Eugene rolls out of it and as he charges in Matt knees him right into the head. Ouch. Punches right to Eugene’s skull…. slams to the turnbuckle – and here comes the Tard-Up.
Eugene drops Stryker – Airplane spin. Kick to the gut – goes for the Stunner – pushed out by Stryker – BIG BOOT to Stryker – Hits the leg drop.
TWO from Eugene.
“That’s not your finisher Eugene..” – Eric
“Yes it is – he changed it in the menu..” – Hernandez
So Eugene goes for a Rock Bottom – ducked – Stryker hits his finisher… whatever it is.
WINNER: MATT STRYKER
..we don’t care
So then we get a Kane Mask Promo… interesting… although we do get to see JR on fire, which as Eric points out – makes the entire thing completely worth it.
COMMERCIAL (10:25 Seventh)
So – the WWE is having some problems with showing us the flash to the early opening match – but they got Maria’s heartcam confused so genius showing of Cena’s pedigree in the HeartCam. …anyway…
Hey Maria! In a red dress with really bouncy curly hair.. awww… talking to Carlito.
She wants to know if Carlito likes Eugene. He likes Eugene fine.
So now it’s a long fun bit to get Maria to say ‘I Swallow’
In the back it’s Trips making out with Candice who is wearing a straw hat..
“Awww look MaryAnne” – Hernandez
Interruptus – Triple H
“Wow, Ginger has let herself go..” – Hernandez
Vince then lists off Trips nicknames – The King of Kings, the Cerebral Assassin..
“Who is he talking to?” – Bill
So to thank Trips for his work – he got him a present to bash in Shawn’s head. A new sledgehammer. Vince then calls him Champ.
“Go get him Tiger” – Dani
“You just hit the jackpot…” – Me
COMMERCIAL (10:32 – Eighth)
Note: Monday July 31st – Supershow – New Jersey
I’ll be there – No Rabble that night kids…
Hey in the ring it’s ARMANDO ALEJANDRO ESTR’R’R’R’R’R’ADA…
“whatever, squashmatch time..” – Hernandez
In the ring is, in fact, Jobber Boy who is cock-eyed like an SOB….
JOBBER vs. UMAGA
..yawn..
Clothesline. Chops.
“Look he took off his inhibitor collar” – Hernandez
Throws Jobber by the feet. Throws him to the outside. Sets him up on the top of the stairs – throws him head over ass outside.
“Threw him like a golf club!” – Dani
“THERE WILL BE NO GOLF TALK IN THE RABBLE” – Me
“He’s like a young Tiger Woods in there…” – Hernandez
“LOOK, NOBODY SHOULD TALK ABOUT GOLF DURING A WRESTLING REPORT!” – Me
Buttbounce – and he drags Jobber by the foot to the middle of the ring.
“He’s not acting.. he’s dead..” – Chris
“He needed better security” – Dani
Dropping headbutt – Chokeslam Thumb Punch – That’s it.
WINNER: UMAGA
“Hey Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrricky! How’d you get to be in the show? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah… Nobody carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrres what your name is. Any why in GOD’S name is Oogabooga getting pushed? Because Vince wants to make all Samoans look stupid to take away from Samoa Joe’s mystique. Which is why Joe will never go to WWE, because, you know, if Vince pisses him off, Joe will kill him. – Penny
In the back Kenny is talking to Shane – but the SS show up to cheer on Shane as the special ref… wheee
“Here comes the money. Unfortunately the Vinceler Youth is with him. Anyone else think Vince is starting to bury Shane because he caught on to just how badly his own son outclasses him in EVERY conceivable way?” – Penny
COMMERCIAL – (10:44 – Ninth)
We get some more See No Evil premier thingies… actually it’s the exact SAME premier bit we saw earlier…
HERE COMES THE MONEY… HEEEAH COMES THE MONEY… MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!
That’s right – Shane is here. Hey – and now it’s Kenny-time. Oh, and the King of Kings!
“He comes out twice now so we get both songs..” – Eric
“They paid for them..” – Bill
“Here comes Trips and… um… James? What DX Alert code level are we on now?” – Penny
COMMERCIAL – (10:31 – Tenth)
CHRIS PREDICTION FOR THE DX MOMENT
Kenny sets the legdrop, Trips pulls him down.
We wait for Shawn’s arrival.
“ARE YOU READY?” – Hernandez
Here comes Shawn!
o/“ I can’t afford,
o/“ The sides of my shirt – Chris
Shawn runs on in and attacks Kenny and the bell rings.
SHAWN vs. KENNY
Back bodydrop throws Kenny across the ring – Kenny stands and gets clotheslined over the top. Then goes chasing after Shane for a bit. Trips is sitting in the corner, just watching on. Kenny, Shane, and Trips go conference, but Trips just watches.. stares..
“Great build up. Trips stares down Shawn holding the hammer but DOESN’T do what Vince ordered him to. Well, I’ll give him this much. I like his rebelling method better than Wifebeater’s “Make an entire chunk of the continent look bad just by speaking” schtick.” – Penny
Shawn now goes after Kenny – fists to his head – chops – as Shawn goes for his last fist, Shane grabs his arm and Kenny shoulderchecks him down.
“You know what would rock.. if Shane joined DX..” – Dani
“I would cream right here.” – Me
Kenny tosses Shawn to the corner, and Shawn does the oversell and ends up outside with Trips where they exchange glances before Kenny goes to attack and Shawn chops him down. He throws Kenny into the ring, and hits the top turnbuckle, but Shane pushes Shawn down.
Kenny takes advantage with bodyslam and a pin for two. Throws Shawn to the ropes – gets air with a HUGE shoulderblock for two. Shane yawns and conveniently drops his belt in the ring – and Shane is missing all the action where Shawn is getting whipped by Kenny in the ring.
Two count. Kenny begins to choke out Shawn and ties the belt around his neck.
“Like the lead singer from INXS” – Hernandez
“Michael Hutchens.. how I miss him” – Chris
So now Shawn and Kenny fight back and forth in the midst of the ring. Kenny uses the belt to irish whip him – and Shawn comes back with the shouldercheck – grabs the belt and WHIPS SHANE with it who bails! He slams down Kenny and hits the top turnbuckle watching Triple H (who does nothing)
Shawn hits the big elbow! And it’s time to call up the choir…
J E S U S C H R I ST-KWANNG!!!!! He hits it solid right on Kenny and in runs Shane who begins to beat down Shawn – hits a couple inverted backbreakers – quite meanly.
“J… E…. S…” – Hernandez
Triple H watches on and heads into the ring with the hammer. Shane is holding Shawn. Trips sets up the hammer. “Look at me, I want you to see this coming”
“-THAT WAS A SIGNAL-” – Chris
We all watch on as Hunter then looks down at Shane… In runs Vince who looks all apologetic – but then grabs the hammer as Vince’s back is turned.
……..then leaves the ring……. bitches.
“DO SOMETHING” – Vince
“..Sir? He’s faking.” – Bill
Vince hugs on Shane holding and cradling him tightly.
“Recreating La Pieta” – Dani
“I was thinking Godfather III.. but hey..” – Me
“Hitting The Money was predictable, but the way it was played is great, especially with how (I begrudgingly admit) Ross sold it as Trips making a mistake.” – Penny
Wait a sec… no DX tease?
No chops?
GODS THEY TEASE US!!!!!
So what did the Rabble think?
DANI – I got icecream! I did get Dapper Dave in a suit during the commercials…
ERIC – Some tease, much better than recent showings.. MUCH better than Backlash
BILL – They started with wrestling.. unprecedented
HERNANDEZ – Pretty good – I built it up for myself, so I’m let down.
CHRIS – Started great, ended alright.. ending could have been SO much better.
PENNY – “All in all, nothing spectacular but nothing TOO horrid.“
And what do I say – Solid show, nice twists with the opener, Mick, and NO Dx. Somehow WWE still can get little ol’ smarky me.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! I need you folks to do me a favor! We’re coming around the summertime and I need to know some things as we move on for the Summer Sessions:
1 – Your opinion of the Rabble?
2 – Your opinion of PENNY CANDY IN THE RABBLE
3 – Did you like how I did it this time, with the interspaced quotes?
4 – Do you mind the links to the syndication?
Email me at – Revvoice@Gmail.com
NOW TO THE LINKS!
Now, even though this isn’t a column, but a show review – I’ve been told that there are people around the Inside Pulse that don’t pull their own weight around here by pointing you to interesting things to read! Well far be it from me to not
Matthew Romanada tells us what to expect from NBC in TV.
Alex Lucard makes the old new again with KING OF FIGHTERS for the X-Box.
Tom D’Errico‘s Auditory Assault gives us some Dimebag love…
Steve Murray looks at the IWC – that’s Internet Wrestling Community for you people who don’t know…
