Okay, this is f*cked up. Last week, I was called by a company for a position in Pennsylvania, only I had to interview at corporate headquarters just outside of Chicago on Thursday. They’d get the plane tickets, etc., arranged to fly me in on Wednesday morning, then get back to me. Shortly after that call, I received another call. It happened to be from the recruiter who got me the job I had for a bit in Nebraska, so he really f*cking owes me one. A company in Indiana wanted to interview me there on Wednesday. Well, spiffy neato, I’m flying into Chicago on Wednesday morning, right? Just drive into Indiana on Wednesday for this interview. Except that the first interview isn’t confirmed yet. So I have to put this recruiter on hold. Well, it’s Monday afternoon, and I still haven’t got a call from the first people yet. The recruiter for the second interview calls. I tell him, look, just have the guys in Indiana get me on a flight to Chicago. Recruiter calls back and says that the company won’t pay for the tickets, they want you to pay for them and get reimbursed. Well, after a year of unemployment, my credit cards are, like, f*cking tapped out. So we arrange a phone interview. In the meantime, I check out Southwest’s website and figure out that I’ve got enough on one card to swing a round-trip ticket. So I call the recruiter back, tell him I’ve made reservations for my flight, and tell him to relay the news that I’ll be there on Wednesday afternoon. Now I have to call the recruiter back today and confirm that the company’s aware that I’m going to be showing up instead of calling them.
Oh, yeah, I would have had to call the company, not have them call me. In other words, put it on my tab, just like with the plane tickets (I was sorely tempted to call them using Skype; phone calls to landline numbers in the US and Canada are now free with Skype). I already know it; these guys in Indiana are f*cking cheap. However, it’s commutable from South Bend, which is at least civilization. So I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ll just get on the flight on Wednesday morning, borrow the old bat’s SUV, truck over into Indiana, and hope they aren’t amazed to see me (although it’d be a great suck-up). They’d better have a f*cking reimbursement check cut on the spot, and, yes, I’m gonna hit them for mileage money driving to Kansas City in the Damn Vaninator, driving from Chicago in the old bat’s SUV, the tolls on the Kansas Turnpike, Chicago Skyway, and the Indiana Toll Road, and the airport parking while I’m at it. And knowing my luck, the first company will call with flight reservations. Thank God these tickets are refundable. I just want to shoot myself right now.
You would think with my fan base that one of them would have had some stroke somewhere amenable to my employment, wouldn’t you?
Well, shit, I have a PPV to cover right now, don’t I? There’s nothing I can do to avoid that, can I? Nope. The biggest thing in the news right now is Hugo Chavez saying that the Junta should be imprisoned for genocide. Yes, they should be imprisoned, but trying to get them on a genocide rap is too difficult. There are enough crimes against the American people and crimes against humanity available that genocide shouldn’t have to be used. I just want Mad Dog to be raped by pit bulls on PPV. That’ll make me happy.
Better get on with the pimps…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard said something about “the greatest first-person shooter” ever made, but I didn’t see a write-up of Half-Life. I’m confused.
Murray does a Bonds rant. I’m starting to see what some sportswriters are saying when they tell us to stop concentrating on Bonds and start watching Pujols.
I’ll pimp Hatton‘s retard-fest because it’s obvious that Penny reads me, so therefore at least one of them has taste and intelligence.
Does Daniels talk about Bobby Jenks? No. So do I give a f*ck? No.
Goober is a Tool.
So is Gloomie, but in the exact opposite way.
Tierney got delayed on submitting because his hotel didn’t have Wi-Fi. God, are we spoiled today or what?
Wallace doesn’t say if you can substitute Sunny D or something for the orange juice in that one concoction. I’d be tempted if you can. I don’t like real orange juice because it’s too acidic.
Stevens turned 25 over the weekend. Boo f*cking hoo. When I was 25, I was serving my country in foreign climes, not yapping about comic books. Grow up and get a pair, kid.
AND THAT’S A WRAP-UP
Ric Flair’s road rage case went to court yesterday in Charlotte, and…well, nothing happened, because the person who filed the complaint didn’t show up. So, therefore, that’s a not-guilty finding and the charges are quashed; apparently, Edge and Lita were at Raw and couldn’t testify either. So now Ric can go back to selling his injuries suffered at the hands of Jamalga and f*cking hot blondes less than half his age. Nice work if you can get it.
BROKEBACK KANYON
Well, my hometown former Republican paper had an interview with Chris Kanyon about his status as the most high-profile gay man in pro wrestling. Pretty standard stuff, except for one thing: they hit him with the big question, namely “Is anyone else in WWE or TNA gay?” Kanyon said, “Yes, but I’m not naming names.”
Oh, let the speculation begin. He’s not necessarily talking about Chad Toland, you know. And he’s not necessarily talking about Paul London either; hey, we all know that London’s gay, because Grut said so and Grut wouldn’t lie. But everyone else, including the married guys, is up for grabs. This leaves us an open book to speculate on who’s playing the meat whistle, and to speculate on whether they’re doing it for fun or whether it’s gay-for-pay (which leads to years of speculation and rumors; just ask Shawn Michaels). We also get the fun of speculating whether or not someone’s a top or bottom. You’d expect most wrestlers to be tops, except that this tends to defy expectations.
God, we can get mileage out of this. Hepple can start a new feature in his column: Who’s Triggered My Gaydar This Week? Flea can start assembling a Gay Pool, where every time a wrestler comes out, someone wins money. Philadelphia crowds can get a whole new set of chants going.
The only problem with this is simple: that kind of statement from Kanyon just magnifies the amount of homophobia in wrestling, which is already at critical mass. I’ve been decrying this for years now, and the problem’s become worse. It’ll be a good day when crowds won’t be tempted to chant “Brokeback Mountain” at AMW, for instance. That day, unfortunately, has been delayed thanks to Kanyon’s rather reckless statement. If he’d just said, “I’m not going to say anything about that because people’s personal lives aren’t my business,” then things might be better off.
LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER
You know, Sacrifice was so uninspiring that I’m having a hard time coming up with a lead for it. Uninspiring cards on paper usually turn out uninspiring in execution, and this one was. It was a pretty predictable affair overall, just a stepping-stone to the Apotheosis Of Samoa Joe that is bound to happen by Bound For Glory. Nevertheless, I’ll go through match by match and point out all of the obvious flaws, bitch, moan, and do everything you expect from me.
Well, stupid f*cking me. Here I was thinking that TNA would never let something of the importance of the World X Cup go to a tie. However, due to Liger going over Williams, that was the only way they could go. This match, though, was great…well, what we saw of it. Good move by TNA to post the whole match on YouTube due to their technical difficulties. Give every credit to Williams; he was in there with possibly the greatest junior heavyweight in history, and he held his own. In fact, he was better than that. It was a more competitive match than you might have expected if you bought into the “Liger’s gonna win this because TNA promised NJ he would” stuff (which I didn’t; a rare lapse into naivete by me). Damn good opener.
And this is where the technical problems kicked in
The tag title match was something different. Most of the time, I berate the Impact Zone Crazies when they start up the “This Is Awesome” chant. Not this time. It was terrific. Both teams threw everything they had against each other, and considering that we know how much they have to offer, that was a pretty difficult proposition to overcome. They went Above and Beyond, and full credit to all of them. We’re still cool with A. J. and Daniels, but the opinion of AMW is that they’ve become lazy in the ring since they were hooked up with Jarrett. This match showed that they still have something to give, and that if they’re disengaged from Jarrett, they can come back to their previous form. Please, guys, continue in this vein. Don’t get sloppy when you face the ex-Dudleys next month. Yeah, it’s going to be tempting to half-ass it because you’re going to drop the titles and you’re in there with two guys who, let’s face it, aren’t the exemplars of technical wrestling, but don’t give in. Just try to be AMW again. Please, for all of us.
“Beauty and joy forever” just isn’t cutting it anymore with A. J.’s dropkicks
Oh, my God…Raven looks like Terry Bradshaw with green hair, if Bradshaw had had his make-up done by an embalmer. I can’t…no, I have to ignore this and move on. I think it’s better for me if I do so.
Gee, Larry, thanks. Now you’ve forced all of us to see up Raven’s skirt.
The Rhiyno/Roode tilt was just sort of there. Steve already did his mea culpa for forgetting that Rhiyno’s soon to be on his way to ECW, which did surprise me when I read the Round Table (here’s a secret: we don’t know what each other will be writing until it comes out). The result was expected. Let’s see how far a Roode solo push is going to go. Then we can judge things.
“Please, please, when you get up there, tell Vince about me! I can’t stand being around D’Amore anymore!
The ex-Dudleys/NAO tag match was very strange. It was technically acceptable, but boring, which is something that would be expected from these two pairs, but it reached a new level of self-indulgence that hasn’t been seen for quite a while. There’s a fine line between appealing to the smarks and being self-indulgent, and the line was definitely crossed here. It was an attitude that permeated and underpinned all of North American pro wrestling during the 1997-2000 period, but it hasn’t really been seen in full effect since WCW shut down. Well, that’s not really true. At the beginning of TNA, there was a lot of self-indulgence going on, but that was easily traced to the viral meme known as Vince Russo. It may have been a last-gasp sort of thing, having found purchase in these two teams. Hopefully, it’s burned itself out so we don’t have to see it again.
Yes, that’s Road Hogg doing a dropkick. It had to be preserved for posterity, since no one would believe it otherwise.
If Liger goes over Williams, you can set up a two-way tie between the US and Canada with a Canada victory in the gauntlet and the US getting shut out, with Mexico coming in second in the gauntlet (if Japan comes in second, that sets up a very unsatisfying three-way tie). If that’s the case, the last two competitors will be Williams (looking for redemption) and Puma, with Puma taking the Canadian Destroyer. – me, the Sacrifice Round Table
The reason that I’m God and you’re dingleberries on the ass of an elk is that I know how to cover myself. Yes, I got the prediction wrong, but I stated the exact scenario that they used as an alternative, which means that I was right after all. Plus, I was right as to the ultimate winner of the X Cup; admittedly, that wasn’t brain surgery, but it’s going to take four days longer than expected to resolve, which pisses me off. They’ve been giving the X Cup so little attention that it was actually in their best interests to end it at Sacrifice instead of having that extra Sabin/Williams match on Impact, which lessens its importance further. If this was it for the X Cup, it did (or rather should have) go out with some style. No real faults in the gauntlet match per se other than a little overcrowding and the presence of someone named Tyson (yes, I had another apparently unproductive phone interview with them on Monday); it was certainly a lot better than some Royal Rumbles I could mention. So, no complaints on the match itself, but big black marks against the result.
During his time off from Team Canada, Johnny Devine learned a very interesting method of accupressure
Sonjay Dutt: the Tanith Belbin of pro wrestling
TNA’s version of “A Night At The Opera”
You can’t get a Shocker unless you’re grounded
And there’s your tie, folks
I ignored this month’s variant of the Sting/Jarrett contretemps, just like I’ve ignored all the rest. Even if Joe’s involved, it’s not worth my time or emotional investment. So this got FFed in order to save me a little time.
Joe’s gonna kill him. And we’d all pay him to do it.
The title match was sort of a letdown. More accurately, it was dragged down thanks to the previous match. Yeah, it was sufficient for what it was, but there’s a definite boredom factor in here about this program. They’ve faced each other two months straight now. They’re going to get each other as part of next month’s title match. It’s just time to end it. Christian will drop the strap next month (as per tradition), but at least we’ll get a few choices other than Abyss for him to drop it to. Good while it lasted, but nothing that really enhanced Christian’s career.
Oh, yeah, like that’s going to do anything to Abyss’ face
Typical TNA show, really. The X Division stuff was hot, the main event material was boring at best. The problem with this is that TNA fans seem to be satisfied with the status quo. They’re not seeing the missed potential that’s there. Maybe ECW will put a spark up them to improve. If that spark doesn’t do anything, maybe ECW will be a huge nail in the coffin. One thing’s for sure: we live in interesting times.
OH, SHIT, OH, SHIT, OH, SHIT
Big Johnson over at 1bullshit Junior is reporting that the one person that TNA can’t afford to have injured is hurt. Joe’s knee has been bugging him for a bit (a lingering injury from an ROH show), but during Monday night’s tapings, he reinjured it during a match with David Young for Xplosion…hold it, what the hell is Samoa Fuckin’ Joe doing wrestling David Young on Xplosion? That’s like Peyton Manning getting injured during a Week Sixteen tilt against the Houston Texans, or for the international members of the audience, David Beckham blowing his knee in a friendly against the Faeroe Islands with England up 7-0 at the time. You must wonder sometimes.
Anyway, as of writing, there’s no further report on what the injury is and how long he’ll be out. I’m kinda hoping for “torn ACL” and “four months” myself, because, just from a standpoint of perverse curiosity, I want to see what TNA does when all their booking plans are f*cked up to no end. We saw what happened to WWE in that situation, and I want to know if TNA’s “brain trust” can come up with something better.
SO, DID ANYONE LESS SIGNIFICANT GET HURT AT THE TAPINGS?
No, not really, but things did happen. And here they are:
It’s Slammiversary, so you know what that means: King of the Mountain Match. Well, TNA’s done such a bang-up job putting together its upper card that everyone comes out of the woodwork. So what’s an authority figure to do? Larry Z sets up qualifying matches for the rest of the traditional five-man field, with no one knowing who their opponent will be until the match. That’s sweet. However, you’ll get to know at least two of them: Abyss beats Rhiyno in the first qualifying match, and Ron Killings defeats Monty Brown in the other. No surprises there. Rhiyno’s on his way out, and Killings is getting a semblance of a push, which is more than Monty’s had lately.
Why am I blowing spoilers? Simple. I didn’t think TNA would be stupid enough to end the World X Cup in a tie, thus putting the tiebreaker match on free TV. Talk about disrespect for the concept; unless there’s a radical rethink and the inclusion of Team UK, this is the last we’ll ever hear of the World X Cup. So, the captains of the two tied teams meet in a one-on-one contest, and since the men in question are Chris Sabin and Petey Williams, we know it’ll be a good match. And it was, with Sabin winning (of course). But then the apres turned into pure Angle Advancement. Yep, Big Kev is on the rampage, and Sabin is his midnight snack. Nash does the same with Jay Lethal next week after a four-way which is won by Low Ki.
Joe’s a heel again. We think. It all depends on his knee, really.
Instead of getting the necessary tag title change, the ex-Dudleys and NAO are going to have a Slammiversary rematch. Oh, color me f*cking excited. I’m more thrilled about the Rhiyno versus Bobby Roode and Scott D’Amoron handicap match that’ll take place at Slammversary.
For the rest, watch Impact. If I have to suffer through it, so should you.
Oh, enough about TNA. Let’s get on to WWE’s latest living abortion…
THE SHORT FORM
This is a pretty damn dull show when KC Evers (no relation) can’t summon up anything witty and The Joe In Me just rants about their promotion for See No Evil. You kinda know that their next PPV is quite a bit of chronological distance away.
Match Results:
Trip, Shelton Benjamin, and Chris Masters over John Cena and Rob Van Dam, WWE and Intercontinental Title Matches, Texas Tornado Rules (Pinfall, Benjamin pins Van Dam, Trip Pedigree, New Interncontinental Champion): Huh? What the hell? No, I understand the rules perfectly, and the match was a properly-booked clusterf*ck (never thought I’d type that). But I don’t understand 1) why it was done and 2) what purpose there is to Van Dam dropping the IC strap. Now I know that all of you dumbasses out there are going, “Wal he cant win the WWE titel while hes IC champ you ideot.” Yes, he could, and then he could take both titles to ECW to provide ECW with instant titles instead of doing something as cliched as tournaments or as stupid as just giving someone titles (now, if Rhiyno comes back and is declared ECW World Champion, that I wouldn’t mind, since he was technically the last person to hold that belt). It’d serve WWE’s purpose to do exactly that with Van Dam in order to position ECW properly as renegade. So although they could do a Van Dam win and depart at One-Night Stand with the world title, it just isn’t as satisfying.
The best part of this match, though, was the Angle Advancement portion. Yes, folks, Trip’s now on his way to DX-itude. Pedigreeing Mike Chioda, though…I love it. You can’t help but to love it. Chioda deserves every bit of it.
Johnny Jeter and Nick Nemeth over Goldust and Gene Snitsky, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Nemeth pins Snitsky, Mondo-ference): Boy, they gave this one a long time, didn’t they? Actually, it wasn’t too bad. Dustin can still do a bit, especially in tags, and Snitsky wasn’t a millstone (in fact, it was surprising at the amount of support a face Snitsky can garner from the crowd). So, nothing really to bitch about. However, with all three titles for people with penises being dealt with in the first hour (and the Women’s title being taken care of in a promo), this might be a sign of the importance all titles are being given right now, which is apparently none. The main is an Angle Advancement Match for DX, after all, and the last member of the upper card, Edge, is destined to be handled in the Foley promo. Is everything on hold for One-Night Stand?
Matt Striker over the retard (Pinfall, knee-assisted neckbreaker): First of all, let’s deal with Striker’s finisher. It isn’t a Fameasser, plus it would be disrespectful to Striker to call it that. May I suggest “Final Exam” as a name? Now, for the core: this is a signal that it’s perfectly acceptable for people of high intellectual status to beat up and eliminate the retards of the world. Therefore, form a single line, and as soon as I get a good, sturdy whip, I’ll be there to take care of you.
And, yes, Pandich, this was a dream come true.
Jamalga over Chris Wellman (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): Next.
Shawn Michaels versus Ken Doane, Shane McMahon as Special Guest Ref (ND, Sports Entertainment Necessity): I hope that my illegitimate son Ken Doane appreciates being in a ring with Shawn Michaels, not to mention being in the main event on Raw. It’s now obvious that he’s the jewel in the crown of the Spirit Squad experiment, and he’s going to get a push at the age of twenty that’s beyond his wildest dreams (his wettest dreams are already being fulfilled, having got into LaJames’ panties). I just don’t want to see what happened to Randy Orton happen to him. Hopefully he’s inherited the ego of whoever his mother was and not mine. In the meantime, the rest of this was DX Set-Up, so it isn’t worth commenting on.
Well, by me. Slick Rick wants to do a little commentary:
I’m still of the opinion that the “are you ready?” bit that some of the Spirit Squad do is foreshadowing. The stable is supposed to showcase up-and-comers, so getting 2 or 3 of the squad guys to wind up in DX would make some sense. I know, foreshadowing is something that is beyond lower primates like what we have in creative at the moment, but accidents happen…
This is something that’s being bandied around the IWC since the DX reunion was verified. Most people think that if two members of the Spirit Squad become DX, it’ll be Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter. This match could be easily used as justification for Doane’s entrance despite the hostility shown to him by both Michaels and Trip. They could come to the realization that “the kid has something”. Jeter would be a no-brainer. Both of the kids know how to work a mic, as evidenced by their OVW tenures. They’re also the dominant personalities in the Spirit Squad (with credit to Mondo, of course), and if the other three guys have a chance, it would be to get separated from Doane and Jeter. So, yeah, I can see this happening, and it’d definitely help Doane and Jeter to no end (viz. Orton and Batista, and for that matter Road Hogg and Billy Bitchcakes, who were going nowhere before getting in with DX). My only question is if Trip wants to do the “give the rub” thing again in this manner. He gave in to Evolution because Evolution was designed to “serve” him and his needs, and the rub with Batista and Orton was almost incidental. Remember how Trip resisted the concept of Maven coming into Evolution? Would he want to become a member of a stable with two kids that he probably perceives as nowhere near ready and were liable to end up like Orton, a depreciated asset to WWE, and moreover a member of a stable where he would be more of an equal than in Evolution? The future of DX beyond Vengeance is up to Trip, and many men have lost their sanities and reputations attempting to figure out his desires.
Angle Developments:
Post Hoc Justification: So, are they going to invent some bullshit past between MickieLexis LaJames and Beth Phoenix, or are they going to try to link into OVW continuity? I’m not sure how much of a confrontation they had in Louisville, but if they actually did something with whatever past they might have, it’d be a lot better than anything “creative” could come up with. And if they did do something linking back to OVW, then it might mean that Heyman has a little of his stroke back with “creative”. Yes, they’ve been in constant meetings the past few weeks deciding how ECW’s going to be launched, but it’s different than getting OVW material inserted into Raw or Smackdown.
Barbed-Wire Circumcision: Last Friday, WWE had Rey-Rey get punked out in San Diego. Three days later, they had Terry Funk get punked out in West Texas. Vengeance takes place in Charlotte. If the pattern holds, if I’m Ric Flair, I get the hell out of town. Of course, this is PPV, so they have to have something special planned. Flair, Arn, and Steamer all getting punked out at the same time, maybe? I wouldn’t put it past them.
And that closes this. I’ll be back this weekend for the Short Form and the Round Table.
