The Midnight News


The Midnight News

Thanks for coming back. I didn’t like trying to find that shitty little site you disappeared to.


Neither did I.

It’s too hard to log in, seeing that everyone is always SLEEPING when I want to see my name UP IN LIGHTS!

(oh, by the way, thanks for your hits, AGAIN. Fucking MARKS! YOU LOVE HYATT!)

Numbers don’t equal quality. *coughScaryMovie4cough*

(HYATT NOTE: Bullshit. Scary Movie was GREAT. What, you were expecting Lawrence of Arabia? It’s a f*cking COMEDY.)

You’re still a hack getting noticed for being cheap, crude and as offensive as
you think you can be, to hide your minimal talent. I don’t mind you insulting or
belittling me in your column. Just proves my point really. You and I both know
if guys like you and Grut didn’t fill your columns with the rudest most
tasteless cheap crap you can think of you’d have NOTHING. And the offensive crap
you DO go for is predictable and cheap. Anyone can do a sleazy rape joke.
Doesn’t take a lot of imagination.

(HYATT NOTE NUMERO DOS: Wrong. It’s hard to imagine new ways to offend people. George Carlin took all the good ideas already.)

Thanks for proving my point. If you had any real talent, the numbers wouldn’t
matter. And you couldn’t shit in my meatloaf because my wife would break your
legs before you even got your belt undone. So predictable.

Penny Fahlsred-Fife

Penny didn’t include HER name on this week’s angry mail, but I still had it. I just wanted the woman to get credit for her message.

Any one who can readily admit that their WIFE would be the asskicker is alright by me.

Any one that is not only willing to admit, but also AGREE, that he WOULD be out front looking at the Styrofoam peanuts on his lawn while I sneak in through the back is a MAN’S man!

I like this Penny.

I would kiss her if she was a LITTLE bit prettier.

Now…I need to remember not to invite her and the Missus over for my annual HYATT IS A GOD Pot Luck Dinner.

Get f*cked

Stop pretending to be <name withheld> you bumnut

You couldn’t even leave a name, could you? Way to show you care! You just casually mention <name withheld> and think that I don’t care about it?

<name withheld, come on Geoff> is my idol!

Welcome to the Midnight News. I am Hyatt and I have been back for a month now, and still, no flowers?

I know there’s a flower budget.

Hell, I will take a box of truffles while you’re at it.

It’s the SUMMER OF HYATT, slugs.

Enjoy it while you can.

I am SURE to be fired this week!

Tonight was Judgment Night…er, Day. Judgment DAY.

Easy mistake to make.

I have had “Slam” by Onyx with Biohazard stuck in my head for WEEKS!

Let the boys be boys!

DA HOOLIGANZ won the TAG TITLES from MNM. Side note: I think that Nitro ate all of Mercury’s cashews and didn’t even TRY to replace them.


Lovers quarrels are SOOOO cute.

Benoit beat Finlay clean in 21 minutes. This was, by far, MATCH OF THE NIGHT. Great classic grappling contest.

This one made me feel not-so-bad about giving Vince $50 bucks this weekend for this PPV and See No Evil.

Trust me, I have never wished I was blind before today.

Hey, there’s Superstar Billy Graham. DVDs to sell, I guess.

MOLEY MOLEY MOLE and MELINA (DIRTY SANCHEZ) was actually serviceable. MOLEY MOLEY MOLE won with a roll-up.

SUGAR SHANE HURRIHELMS beat MUY LOCO with a power bomb. His feet were on the ropes. That’s a “no-no.”


Melina (Dirty Sanchez) & Johnny Nitro were complaining to Teddy Long, and the Dirty One slapped Long. Long fired both Melina & Nitro.

While this is better than their Rumble match, I don’t know if I agree with booking a man to look this strong when he is on his way out in a few months.

I guessed Vinnie wants to get his money’s worth in the next few months, before DONKEY KONG starts tagging up with Monty Brown in TWO MAD ETHNIC PEOPLES.

Nope. Not a racist, but Jeff Jarrett is!

Anyway, ANGEL got tossed into the ringpost, and Donkey Kong took the victory via count out. Angel then destroyed Henry with CINCO chair shots and an ankle lock.


THE BOOK beat ROBERTO LASH LEROUX. Intelligent booking. With the backstage fracas between DAVE(!) and Book, this could lead to the most well executed MONARCH OF THE MAT since Owen’s run.

GIANT KILL-Y beat Undertaker with the chop. Sadly, the original ending was changed at the eleventh hour. The plans were for Mark Calloway to die.

That ending was booked by Khali. I think that ‘Taker is playing politics in the back again.

Honestly, Eddie goes and dies and WHAM(!) he’s bigger than ever. In every storyline, mentioned at every show that anyone remotely tanner than DAVE “FIT” FINLAY is on, he’s the toast of WWE.

A dead man hasn’t been booked this well since Ric Flair.


He’s been dead since ’73. They’ve been pulling our legs ALL THIS TIME!

ReyRey retained over HIGH QUALITY SPEAKER BOY. Boy were WE swerved. I thought BITCHTITS had this one in the bag. Oh well.


So, at tonight’s Judgment Night, Melina and Nitro were “fired” by Teddy Long. Okay, but WHY did this happen?

If you haven’t been paying attention, Melina, evidently, is quite the cuntrag backstage. Nevermind what Mick Foley says, he just smiles and cashes his checks.

She got into a brawl with Sharmell at a house show in El Paso which HIGH QUALITY BITCH TITS broke up.

Rumor has it that MELINA, she the fan of DIRTY SANCHEZ, has been spreading her diseased cooch all are the lockerroom, right UNDER HER REAL-LIFE BOYFRIEND’S NOSE.

Poor Johnny Nitro.

Anyway, after the scrap between the Book and Batista, WWE is trying it’s damnedest to keep spirits high, and everyone is said to be very disappointed with these developments. So, in order to get Melina off the road, they bend some reality into this ENTERTAINMENT.

Well, the story is that Batista has been snogging Melina for a while, and that they cannot afford to do anything to a BIG MONEYMAKER like Batista, so Melina gets the boot…for a while.

Honestly, a move to RAW might help Nitro as well, as who would want to be the guy who’s girl is banging people in the SAME LOCKERROOM as you…RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE.

Gullible, gullible man.

Even I, the ALMIGHTY HYATT, know what it’s like to give yourself to a woman; your heart and soul, and just have her shit all over you.

In my defense, I did have to pay extra for that service, but you get the drift.

The real loser here is Johnny Nitro.

Dude’s put in a ton of time and effort with this girl, only to become the laughing stock when everyone finds out during a fight between his woman and an angry black woman, that his chick is a trick ass ho.

Gotta suck worse than being Bischoff’s “right hand man.”

It’s gotta hurt worse than jogging with weights tied to your junk.

It definitely sucks worse than working out with Giant Kill-Y before a House Show.

You know it stings so much more than being “stretched” by Pat Patterson.

Yeah, my jokes and dirty and cheap, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Only HYATT can say this shit.

You ALL think it.

You’re just too scared to admit it to … ANYONE!


If you missed this show…you missed…some…PPV HYPE!


HOOLIGANZ and MOLEY MOLEY MOLE beat MNM. Duh. They used this time to set up tonight’s PPV. No problem with that.

Things I do have a problem with:

-Tag teams of two singles wrestlers without a TEAM NAME.

-ECW being on the SCI-FI Channel.

-Booker T constantly shaving and then growing his goatee again…it’s confusing.

-Chris Benoit winning at WM 20, “where it all began again,” and nothing changed.

-Eddie being used in storylines…we GET it…HE’S DEAD! SHIT!

-Bob Saget as a comedian.

-Brent Albright becoming GUNNER SCOTT. Someone LOVERS NELSON, right?

-Carrot Top and his stupid PROP HUMOR. First off, he’s not funny. Second, he looks like a f*cking transsexual.

-Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups…WITH NUTS.

-Snickers’ name.

-That Snickers DOESN’T satisfy me…sexually.

-People who don’t send me nice emails with nude photos of their ex’s or current lovers.

-Diamond Dallas Page.

Just some shit to think about while you’re in line at Dairy Queen.

GUNNER NELSON and TOOTHLESS AGGRESSION beat DAVE FINLAY and the Book. I like Gunner. I miss his blonde hair, though.

TATANKA (BUFFALO) attired like a member of the Apache Nation. He should know better. He’s .1% Native American.


REYREY got killed by JACOB GOODNIGHT. That one was kept under wraps VERY well!

Now, for something I actually ENJOY writing about:


Before 1850, golf balls were made of leather and were stuffed with feathers.

And just like that, you are smarter than you were two seconds ago!

Hyatt LIVES to inform!

Hyatt is also a really big fan of charbroiled octopus. I also like being served this octopus on a bed of romaine lettuce, by my man-servant Raul.

He’s got BIG dreams, that Raul.

Turns out, this kid is a writer. I’ve read a few of his things, and I have to say that I am quite impressed. He’s going somewhere…I guarantee it!

It’s all in Spanish, but HYATT knows talent.

Actually, it might be Portuguese.

They’re pretty similar.


Chris Jericho doesn’t miss wrestling. The acting world will NEVER…EVER miss him.

Stacey Keibler has 40 inch legs and NO charisma whatsoever…she won’t be back. She also had a seizure this week. Yeah, THIS WOMAN NEEDS PROGRAM WITH GIANT/GREAT KILL-Y STAT! Book it!

Kane’s movie, See No Evil, appears to be in position to collect the most dubious honor ever: being dubbed “rotten” by 100% of reviewers on No surprise there. I actually snuck OUT of this movie near the end and saw Over the Hedge instead. Much better time.

The “fake” Ric Flair will be getting re-married on May 27th. He avoided being killed by Kane by 8 days. Smart man. Seriously, WWE Films just ruined 8 young actors careers. Fucking saps. Who signs onto a WWE movie anyway?

Steve Doll, former member of Well Dunn, the first Gay-ish team in WWE history, is dying a slow and painful death. In a first, I prayed for him. I did that while I crossed my fingers in hopes that WWE isn’t just swerving me again.

After working on SpyHunter the MOVIE, the Rock has totally admitted he is never coming back to WWE again. Good riddance. That guy was a DISASTER in the ring. If he didn’t have star power, he’d still be a “blue chipper” in a funny leather shrug. now has a feature with it’s road agents talking about the current product. There has only been one so far, with Dean Malenko, but it’s a nice read…for a third grader. Glad HE thinks the Spirit Squad is “really coming into their own.” They all need to be beaten.

One-legged phenom, Zach, nope, ANTHONY ROBLES, was at Judgment Day tonight. He still only had one leg, but it appears that Smackdown writers love monopeds!

Oh, and for you TNA fans:

Samoa Joe tore his PCL and partially ripped his MCL. It is being considered an “aggravation” of a previous injury from a Ring of Honor show. It might be due to the fact that he is really out of shape, but what do I know?

Maybe he should try some Pilates?


Triple H is better than you is on Hyattus.


You read that ELSEWHERE.

Anyhow, in it’s absence, allow me to introduce:


Last time Petey Williams went into Chuck E. Cheese, he got REAL mad. While chasing his nephew through the maze under the stage, he DIDN’T GET STUCK.

Everyone knows that full-size men can’t fit into those tunnels.

Don’t pretend you haven’t tried it.



Slammiversary is going to be the site of this year’s King of the Mountain match and TNA management needs to select the 4 challengers. WAIT?!?!? There are 8 (?) contenders for the title? Well, lets do some qualifying matches, AIGHT?

HAIL SABIN defeats PETEY “DON’T CALL ME PETER” WILLIAMS to win the World X-tremely Stupid Waste of Time. Kevin Nash comes out post match and just squishes the little midget. Paparazzi-CAM and Big DADDY COOL leave together, as they have a room for the night.

Lots of kissing.

MICRONESIAN Joe eats NATURAL BLONDE. Yup. A squash. THAT’S gonna steal a LOT of viewers away from WWE…was this Dusty’s idea? You know he’s working for WWE now, right?

WHOOOOOA OOOOH OOOH ABYSS beat TERRY”I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR” RHIYNO. In their 57th meeting, Rhiyno is gonna get all his heat back…and then promptly head home to ECW.

You guys see why I HATE covering that show? It sucks. If I said that it didn’t…I would lose all of my credibility.

I mean…without that, what DOES HYATT have?

Oh, that’s right:

23, 245 hits last week.

And you guys say you DON’T care!


No send me some chocolates in a refrigerated package.

Don’t ask why…just do it.

IT’S THE SUMMER OF HYATT and it ain’t stoppin’ until the SUMMER IS OVER!

Hence the name, dicks.

54-40 or fight!