On Saturday night, I got my official text message warning from Widro that Judgment Day was the following Sunday. As such, I was presented with a problem. I watched Mets/Yankees 1 out at a bar to watch Mariano blow a tie and David Wright deliver a walk-off RBI to let the Mets win a game (in the same bar, I watched the Cavs come within a rebound of knocking off the Pistons in a crazy almost-upset. It was phenomenal). Saturday, I had tickets to Mets/Yankees 2, also known as the debacle at Shea, which saw Billy Wagner give up 4 runs to tie the game in the ninth and the eventual Yankees wins (there’s an entire column based on what happened in the stadium that day, and I hope to get to it next week). Sunday night, 8:05, I couldn’t miss Mets/Yankees 3. I was faced with a dilemma: go to Widro’s and watch Judgment Day or stay home and watch Mets/Yankees.
Then I remembered; Widro has 2 televisions in his living room. Usually, both are on the PPV so everyone can see it, but maybe, just maybe, he’d put one on the Mets/Yankees game, thus leading to the manliest night in history (unless someone else has this same setup with strippers… that would be manlier).
For a while, I’ve been wanting to write a PPV With The Pulse running diary. I had no idea going in how it would turn out, but it’s usually a good time. Yes, I am aware that I’m completely ripping this format off of Bill Simmons. No, I don’t care.
So, I’m doubling this as my return to Cheap Heat and hopefully the first in a new feature: PPVWIP. Joining us at the Luxurious Widro Compound this evening is Matthew Michaels, Widro, and Grutman. On the main television, with sound, we have the Judgment Day PPV. On the side television, we have Mets/Yankees on ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. This is muted so I don’t know whether it’s the YES announcers, the SNY announcers, or Miller and Morgan. If this becomes an issue, I’ll find out.
7:44: We’re live at the Luxurious Widro Compound, the LWC for short. We have salsa, candy, and Coke thus far. It could get rowdy here in the LWC.
7:55: Recap of Kane beating up Rey Mysterio on Smackdown. JBL hand selected the opponent from Raw who happens to have a movie opening the same day this Smackdown aired. JBL: Businessman extraordinaire. For those keeping score at home, that’s 2 weeks running your Smackdown World Champion has been squashed.
7:59: Morgan and Miller are your announcers. The mute will save me from hearing Joe attach his lips to Bonds’ ass for the next three hours. Of course, on the other hand, I have to hear Michael Cole.
8:01: Subway Series Montage on ESPN. I’m sure if I had the sound on ESPN would hear the world “pride” and “bragging rights” roughly 1000 times. I can easily see myself hardly paying any attention to Judgment Day at all. I’m going to apologize in advance. If Paul Lo Duca punches Kelly Stinnett in the face, I’m bailing on Judgment Day.
8:05: I haven’t watched Smackdown in about two months. For those keeping score at home: Mileena is still hot.
8:10: Damon with a leadoff hit off Glavine… bad sign.
8:19: Paul London does a dropkick into a moonsault into a pinfall. London into the pin and Milenna breaks up the count by crawling into the rign and screaming at the referee. That was different.
8:20: London and Kendrick are your new tag team champions. This leads to the breakup of MNM for… I can’t figure out why… because of the surplus of tag teams on Smackdown, I guess? I realize they need to populate ECW, but do they have to cannibalize the current shows to do it?
8:22: On the other hand, Glavine got out of the first giving up a hit and a walk. God Bless Tommy Glavine. Funny story, someone tried to convince me Glavine wasn’t going to get into the Hall of Fame… I called him insane. Someday, I’ll have a similar argument about John Smoltz.
8:25: Classic King of the Ring moment: Bret winning the crown in 1993. Widro reminds me that Bret would later try to use the same finish 1994 against Owen Hart, who countered it for the win. Two things happened here. One: I got depressed at how the WWE used to care about match psychology and continuity. Two: I realized I’m not as big a wrestling geek as Widro. That made mehappy.
8:28: Unsure as to whether or not he was correct, Widro breaks out the Bret Hart DVD for confirmation.
8:29: Matthew Michaels arrives. The party officially begins.
8:32: Grutman arrives. I was wrong. NOW the party officially begins.
8:35: Fit Finlay vs Chris Benoit has been kind of boring. Time is being spent talking about the traffic in Queens. People who drive to Shea should be executed.
8:37: Widro hates Al Gore. Why? For losing the election and ruining the country. Here at the LWC, you’re never sure where the conversation is going to lead. All folks in the LWC have agreed that Hillary Clinton sucks and Chuck Schumer rules. We may even sex Schumer first. Hillary is still the best things that can happen to the Republicans in 2008.
8:41: Everyone seems to agree that, in a swerve no one will see coming, Bill will run for VP with Hillary, then turn on her and have her killed, take over the presidency and pardon himself. Wrestling + politics… you have to love it.
8:42: Cliff Floyd triple… reminding us why he collects a paycheck.
8:43: In other news, we’re still in a resthold-fest on Finley/Benoit. Some call this “classic mat wrestling,” I call it “Cliff Floyd just hit a triple.”
8:44: MM tried the latest incartion of the secret Widro Salsa. It’s hot enough that he yelped.
8:46: I tried the salsa… it’s not that bad.
8:47: Fit went for the shillelagh which earned him a German suplex on the outside. The shillelagh went flying. Really good spot. Benoit brings Finley back in for the rolling verticals (he should really use these as a midmatch spot instead of the flying headbutt. The rolling verticals seem like they’d put a lot less stress on the fused neck).
8:49:
MM: I think it would be awesome if A-Rod and Reyes showed up at the PPV and became the Dominicools.
Widro: I don’t think that would be cool at all.
While this was going on… Finley tapped out. There was, unfortunately, no leprechaun interference. I find this disappointing. In other news, A-rod popped out with guys on base when the team would have gone ahead. In other news, nothing to see here.
8:52: Discussion about the salsa comes up. No one else thinks it’s too hot. MM says “I must just be a pussy.” He said it, not me.
8:57: Everyone should have to wear Mileena’s big fuzzy boots… especially Shawn Michaels.
8:59: Tazz tells us that Mileena can melt butter. So can a sidewalk. I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not.
8:59: In other news, this is pretty solid for a women’s match. It’s not Mickie/Trish good, but pretty solid.
9:01:
MM: Isn’t this someone else’s song?
Widro: It sucks.
Daniels: Women’s wrestling?
Widro: No, this song…….. and women’s wrestling.
9:01: In other news, Bernie Williams just hit an infield double. I died a little on the inside.
9:05: Aaron Small just put down a sac bunt to advance the runners. Tops on the list of sentences I thought I’d never type.
9:07: Derek Jeter is up with the bases loaded. I don’t like my chances.
9:08: Double error on David Wright and Jose Reyes gets two runs in. I set my laptop aside to keep from throwing it.
9:10: A-Rod’s about to come up with the bases loaded with the Yankees already in the lead… I really don’t like my chances.
9:10: On the PPV, Gregory Helms is coming out to a Tool-esque song. That song is too cool for him.
9:11: A-Rod flew out to Floyd. Phew.
9:14: Gregory Helms yells “I’m the greatest cruiserweight ever” as he’s in the midst of a rest hold. My Irony-meter just broke.
9:16: Conversation in the Luxurious Widro Compound has moved to the OC. It’s not often I feel like the manliest guy in a room. Tonight is one of those nights.
9:19: Carlos Delgado hits a three run HR to put the Mets up 3-2. The LWC explodes.
9:20: Mileena and Nitro go to Teddy Long to complain that they got screwed… which leads to Milenna smacking Teddy Long… which leads to Nitro and Mileena getting fired.
9:21: David Wright hits a ball about 900 feet to put the Mets up 4-2. Oreos and Warm Milk all around!
9:22: Clip of Kurt Angle winning KotR in 2000 over Rikishi. MM lets everyone know that Rikishi is the brother of OOOOOOOOOOOOOOMAGA. I disagree… Umaga was immaculately conceived in the jungle.
9:23: Mark Henry vs Kurt Angle. Can Angle pull a good match out of anyone? We’re about to find out. Mark immediately gets the announce table prepped for someone to go through. The other Widro demands he put himself through the table with no one on it. There are two Widros at this event. IWC Superstar Widro and cousin of IWC Superstar Widro.
9:26: Wrestling fans show their intelligence by popping huge at the beginning of Angle’s music followed into a “You Suck” chant with his music. I love wrestling.
9:27: Kurt Angle does what looks like an attempted sunset flip off the rope… he collides with Mark Henry and falls on his head. Something tells me someone f*cked up and his name was probably Mark Henry.
9:29:
Grut: Khali seems like a nice guy.
MM: He killed a guy.
Grut: He didn’t mean it.
9:30:
Grut: Why don’t they get a supply of semen from Barbaro and put him out.
Daniels: Because the NTRA doesn’t let you genetically engineer horses. They have to be sired naturally.
MM: You know a lot about horse testicles.
Daniels: I wish I had horse testicles worth that much.
MM: Heard it here folks, Daniels wishes he had horse testicles.
9:35: In other news, Kurt Angle is getting his shit ruined by Mark Henry, and lost the match by count-out.
9:37: Kurt Angle gets his heat back by destroying Henry with a chair. Road agents come out and Matthew “Fingers” Michaels starts naming them off, thus challenging Widro for wrestling geek of the night.
9:40: ECW ad done in the old low-production value style. Last year I drove 3 hours to go to One Night Stand. This year, I live a mile from the arena and couldn’t get a ticket. I hate life.
9:41: Vince continues his quest to piss everyone off as Sharmel tells us King Booker will be better than King James, Don King, and Martin Luther King. I love Vince.
9:43: Jose Reyes successfully steals second on a pitch out. I love my little Dominican Jackrabbit.
9:50: Lashley, even with the new steroid policy, is still built like a brick shithouse.
9:54: The LWC moves to making fun of community college as Grut went to the rain abbreviated Nassau Community College graduation. Some of the better ones were the obvious “13th Grade,” “‘Nother Chance College” and “High School With Ashtrays.”
9:59: Booker T becomes your new King of the Ring after Lashley succumbs to the power of Fit Finley’s shillelagh.
10:03: Ring entrances for Khali/Undertaker start.
10:06: The Yankees put Coulter Bean in for relief. I guess it’s officially time to start getting creative with their rotation.
MM: Is that Kurt Cobain’s daughter
Widro: That was weak.
MM: Oh no, she’s Frances Bean.
Widro: I know, it just wasn’t funny.
10:10: Ring entrances for Taker/Khali finish. I’m now an arthritic 75.
10:11: Khali throws Taker over the top rope, thus emptying his repertoire of moves.
10:14: Michael Cole: Great Khali is stalking the Undertaker like prey in the Punjab Jungle. I would pay good money to see Michael Cole set loose in the Punjab jungle.
10:17: Great Khali can do the official giant move of falling into the ropes and get tied up.
10:19: Great Khali earns the one foot cover over the Undertaker. That scream you just heard was the Big Show slicing his giant wrists.
10:24: Aaron Heilman walks the bases loaded by passing Melky Cabrera. The Mets have proven themselves terrified of Melky Cabrera in the last two days. Fingers wonders if the Mets’ staff has him confused with Miguel Cabera. I think it’s possible.
10:26: Kelly Stinnett grounds into a 6-4. MM: The Mets have finally gotten around Kelly Stinnett… anything is possible.
10:29: MM dances to the Booyaka Booyaka 6-1-9. I need not make a joke here, it’s been done for me.
10:30:
MM: Do you think Rey has sex with the mask on?
Daniels: Only if she wants it that way.
Grut: Does he make whores wear the mask?
Daniels: It’s his dime.
10:33: Sign in the crowd: JBL Is My Pregnant Sister. That’s the best part of this match thus far.
10:39: JBL is getting cottage cheese thighs. I’m all for wrestler’s health, but would it kill the guy to do a squat?
10:45: Grut: Rey is bleeding all over his Luis Vuitton Mask. Available soon on WWE Shopzone, Luis Vuitton masks for a mere $499. Upon further examination, there actually IS a LV logo on Rey’s mask.
10:47: Chavo is now balding and super jacked… I wonder what he’s been up to.
10:49: PPV goes off the air with Chavo still in the ring hugging Rey.
10:51: Sanchez populates first and second with Jeter up with no one out. This is very likely going to give me heartburn.
10:53: Jeter with a bunt hit to load the bases. For f*ck’s sake.
10:56: A-Rod come up with 1 out and guys on first and second. I’ve never seen a double play perfectly set up before the first pitch.
10:57: I’m psychic. DoublePlay-Rod hits into the 6-4-3 double play. All this talent for a quarter billion dollars.
11:08: The Mets go down 123. ESPN sticks around long enough to let us hear Enter Sandman. Wagner is coming in. Some people would feel sick here. However, I know that Wagner can only save 1 run games. Insurance runs are like kryptonite to my 5’6″ southern fireballer.
11:14: Wagner struck out Cano. Then proceeded to give up hits to Bernie and Melky.
11:16: Stinnett goes down to an 86-mph breaking ball, set up with 5 98-99 mph pitches. It wrests on Miggy Cairo.
11:18: Miggy grounds into 4-3 to let the Mets fans celebrate in their own stadium. John Miller: That’s more like it.
Yes it is.
