– We’ve got lots of WWE news this week. Instead of just cribbing from the Torch, I’m going to add in some stuff from Figure Four Weekly as well. Bryan Alvarez might be the funniest person in wrestling, and I’d much rather read his reviews of WWE PPV’s than actually watch them. Seriously, they’re way more entertaining.
– I haven’t watched the Lost season finale yet, so I can’t comment on it. I’m going to watch it after I finish this dang column.
– I want to take a quick second to welcome Eric Szulczewski back to the Army. We’re glad to have you, and you’re living proof that once some folks enlist, they can never leave. Except me. I’m leaving in eight months and never looking back.
– I predicted Taylor winning American Idol on my blog after the first episode, and look, he did. I only watched one episode of the show, which is one more than I’ve watched in previous seasons. But hey, anytime a gray old man of 29 can beat out the young ones that look better than they sing, I’m all for it. Plus, Taylor looks retarded on stage, which means his concerts will be fun.
Like I said, I have tons of WWE stuff this week, so let’s just get to it, shall we? This stuff is brought to you by the Pro Wrestling Torch and Figure Four Weekly. Premium subscriptions at both sites are available, and both are excellent. Or you could just read me every week for free and get the same stuff.
WWE QUICK HITS
– Since Paul Heyman is taking over ECW full time (he’s even got an office at WWE HQ), Greg Gagne is being moved to OVW to take over Heyman’s duties. Nobody knows if Gagne will actually be writing TV or if he’ll just act as a road agent with all the wrestlers. It’s been a long time since Gagne pulled a sting with WCW, and before that he hadn’t worked in wrestling since the AWA screamed for mercy.
– Melina pretty much is disdained by the entire locker room. There’s a rumor floating around that she refused to go to “Wrestler Court,” where Judge Undertaker would have presided over her sentencing. Man, the thought of Wrestler Court always makes me laugh. I picture Undertaker wearing a black robe and maybe JBL as prosecuting attorney, and perhaps Snitsky and Kane as baliffs. They should really turn that into a reality show, because I’d watch the heck out of it.
– Tim Horner was hired as a new road agent for WWE and will be taking Greg Gagne’s place. Didn’t Gagne just get hired after WrestleMania? Gagne shouldn’t be happy about this “promotion” to OVW; after all, OVW is where Vince sends other bookers when he doesn’t want to deal with them anymore. Reference: Cornette, Jim and Heyman, Paul.
– The Spirit Squad was Vince McMahon’s idea. All of the guys involved were hesitant about doing the gimmick because, well, male cheerleaders aren’t exactly looked highly upon by 99% of the demographic that makes up wrestling fans. They were also scared about being linked to Ken Doane, who had a horrible rep in OVW and was seen as cocky and deceptive by most of his fellow workers. Paul Heyman saw a ton of potential in young Kenny and took him under his wing, but others in OVW see right through the veil of deception Heyman is creating with Doane. They say Heyman sent mixed signals to WWE HQ about Doane’s readiness for primetime, and encourages Doane’s bad behavior so that he can then take credit for guiding him through it.
– He does the same thing with CM Punk as well. Nobody likes Punk because he’s in love with himself and is judgmental about everything, not just wrestling-related stuff. He’s still dating Maria (Punk, not Heyman), but that’s not causing any problems. If he were in WWE, it’d probably cause problems, because then Batista would be sleeping with Maria and he and Punk would get in a fight, and Punk would whoop the snot out of him just like Booker did. I love Batista. Punk also has heat for showing up in Ring of Honor with only the permission of Tommy Dreamer, but Tommy doesn’t have the power to grant that permission. Also, he was making out in front of the Westin Hotel during Wrestlemania weekend, and who stopped and told him to grow up? Linda McMahon. Yes, folks, CM Punk is an absolute moron.
– Raw in Tacoma has been moved to a 5:00pm start time for the Heat taping. They’re giving out tons of free tickets, so if you’re in the area and want to see some free wrestling, call a radio station or something.
– Vicki Guerrero will be involved in the upcoming Chavo vs. Rey storyline. If Eddie’s ex-wife is involved in a storyline about her dead husban, then I think we can safely call a moratorium on anyone being offended by WWE using Eddie’s death for financial gain. After all, Benoit’s okay with it, Rey’s been exploiting him for months, and now the wife’s involved.
– Rob Zombie has been approached about doing the theme song for the ECW on Sci-Fi show. I wish they’d just use the Evolution theme song, because that’s the greatest theme song EVER, in the entire history of wrestling. Except for maybe William Regal’s “He’s A Man” song.
– Harry Smith is going to start out as a singles wrestler, most likely in an upper-midcard position. This kid must be good, because they’re talking about having him face Shawn Michaels at Summerslam to commemorate the old Davey Boy vs. Shawn match.
– The DX angle is going to be very short-lived, and at this point, there are no plans to incorporate anyone else into the stable. They’ll be feuding with the Spirit Squad. I can’t see them breaking this thing up if it sells tons of merchandise and draws hot ratings.
– Road agents are very high on Lashley because he does what he’s told and listens to all the advice that he’s given. That dude is going places.
– They’ve added another ECW PPV to the schedule. It’ll be December 3, and will probably be called Barely Legal.
– Melina has been compared to Sunny at her worst. Does this mean that in ten years, she’ll be a fat drug addict that poses for adult websites?
Folks, that’s all I have. I don’t waste a lot of your time talking about other stuff. I bring you the news, and I leave you with the news. Maybe someday I’ll start opining more, but for now, we’ll just stick with the hotness that is wrestling news. If you want more of me, read my blog or check out my band, The Favorites. We’ll rock your socks on.
