Clarification
I like to be positive about these episodes. I try to find the good points and I only get snarky if it’s really called for. That said, this episode was almost entirely without merit. So I’m going to have to get creative for the recap.
During the show, I found myself conversing with my boyfriend, whom we shall call River, because that is his name. River has a lot of controversial input that I’d like to share with you to spice up the recap. I also apologize for the lateness of this week’s article, but it’s our 9 year anniversary. I shouldn’t even be writing now, I should be celebrating; but River is off working out because he’s convinced he’ll have to kick Ed Herman’s ass soon. More on that later.
Previously On & Show Opening
The show opens with a recap of how Tito has been messing with Ed since not picking him for his team. Tito was determined to pick Ed last and piss him off. Everyone knows that tonight is the last 185 matchup before the semi finals: Ed vs. Danny.
In video interviews, the guys talk about Josh vs. Tait and say that it was the best fight of the show so far. Kendall said that after the fight “Ken was pissed.” Some footage of Josh post-fight is shown where Josh says “As long as it was worth watching, that’s all I care about.”
Tito says that Danny is the weak link on his team, and that Ed is a strong link on Ken’s team, and that this is just how it’s going to have to be.
Throughout the show, Ed mouths off to Tito. Outside the gym, Ed says, “You wanna take his [Danny’s] place?” and mimicks the ass-spanking action that Randy Couture performed on Tito Ortiz after he dominated him in their UFC 44 fight. Ed says, “I know you remember that!” I remember that. You remember that?
Owned, as they say.
Team Shamrock Training
This isn’t training. Ken and his team are at the Hard Rock, chilling out, bowling. It’s Ken’s birthday. His wife and stepdaughter show up with a cake with forty-some-odd candles on it. I was concerned. Ken Shamrock is 42. And we all remember the “Petey! My heart!” incident. How the hell is he going to blow out 42 candles with his cardio? Won’t he get winded? I paid close attention. Ken did, in fact, take two breaths to blow out all the candles. He seemed fine afterward. I was pretty impressed. All the guys eat cake. Ed pulls out some Grey Goose from behind the bar and looks all “I’d like to stay and taste my first champagne!” but Ken flatly says, “No.”
Team Ortiz Training
Danny says that he’s 100% striker, and he loves to see blood. He keeps going on and on about himself and his toughness and it sounds scripted. It’s a little bizarre to hear all this after the episode where he was shown caring for Matt and bringing him soup. Furthermore, after this little video interview about how he’s “The Assassin,” there’s a training bit where Dean Lister starts tickling him and he laughs like a maniac. It’s just weird. I think I’m uncomfortable. Danny has a back problem. His therapist says it’s sciatica.
At Home – The Bubble Bath
Ed takes a bubble bath to relax. He makes a point to say, in his video interview, that it’s because it’s what he normally does at home, with his girl. I can’t remember how exactly this scene goes down on the show, but some insider information has Ed saying that Kendall threw some dryer lint at him while he was bubble bathing, and he had to retaliate. Anyway, one minute, Ed is sitting in the bathtub filled with an obscene amount of bubbles, and the next minute, he’s chasing Kendall and they get into a bubble-laden wrestling match in the bedroom, against the wall, and all down the hallway.
Ed, in his video interview spliced in with this scene says, “Call it gay if you will, whatever. I dare you to say something about me being gay if you see me walkin’ down the street.” He says it in a manner that suggests that he knows the producers are going to show it in a “gay” manner and he doesn’t care, as it’s what had to happen. I mean, really. If Kendall threw dryer lint at you during your relaxing bubble bath, would you let him just get away with it? What kind of man are you?
This is where I get to stop and reflect on everything in the whole world. I glossed over the pillow fight a few episodes ago and I only barely mentioned the mud wrestling of last season. All the aspects of a full-scale bubble bath wrestling match are going to be addressed here in depth, whether you like it or not. I’ll try not to be too confusing. I like to be concise.
I’m a heterosexual female. I think pillow fights, mud wrestling, and yes, even bubble bath wrestling matches between MMA fighters are very appealing. I have the utmost respect, believe me, for fights when they happen inside a ring or a cage. With the exception of, say, one fighter [disclaimer: but look at him. his skin is bronze and he radiates serenity and masculinity. he’s not human, he’s a heavenly prince among mortals. it’s beyond my control.], I don’t ogle the competitors and I for damn sure don’t watch MMA because I think the boys are pretty.
MMA fights are serious and respectable. Bubble bath fights and the like are frivolous. Frivolity is allowed to be sexy. Respectable fights are to be viewed with a measure of respect. It’s not that frivolous fighting is especially homoerotic. Everything in MMA is homoerotic if you’re going to go that route. Guys roll around on top of each other. Somehow we can all mentally counter that with the fact that it’s professional and violent. Pillow fights and mud wrestling are these beautiful instances where guys who normally make people bleed lighten up and combat each other in a playful way without fear of their masculinity being called into question. And what’s not attractive about that? I don’t think Ed or Kendall are particularly good looking individuals, myself, but when engaged in bubble bath wrestling matches, they’re lovely.
And then I question why the producers show things like this at all. I’m pretty sure they don’t look at the footage and think, “Women like Shelly will see this and be intellectually aroused by vicious men being playful and secure in their masculinity! Let’s put it on TV!” However, if they do, I’d like to thank them. That’s very considerate. But no. Do they do it because it’s funny to portray “tough” guys as “gay”? Do they do it to expand the breadth of the kind of masculine archetypes that are shown on television? Regardless, I’m very glad they do show it. I think it’s a positive image for MMA and for men in general. It’s why I love this show.
My boyfriend doesn’t so much follow my line of reasoning. He thinks Ed’s just gay. Re: Ed’s dare about seeing him walking down the street and calling him gay, I think River’s going to wander out to Portland tomorrow and try to find Ed Herman walking around to see if he’d actually start a fight. River also commented that both “Ed” and “Herman” are first names of members of the Munster family. River wonders if Ed’s middle name is “Lily.” Ouch.
At Home – Not Bubble Baths.
Bisping is shown writing in his journal, speaking aloud. “Josh and Tait fought. It was a good… fight.” Funny to see.
Ed drinks a bunch of whisky! Okay, and this is the good part: There’s a video interview where he says he’s the best looking guy in the house, and I don’t even think he’s drunk when he makes that claim.
Ed says he wants to finish Danny quick. He says he’ll smash his head with elbows in a violent display what will make Rory and Kendall piss their pants.
Team Shamrock Training
Ken says the strategy is to get the clinch, take Danny down, and lay some G’n’P on him. Ed’s been saying that this is the strategy every few minutes throughout the episode, so we know that by now. Ed reveals that he’s been fighting for 3 years with a record of 14-2. He says he likes to G’n’P in Team Quest fashion, but 80% of his wins have actually been by submission. Ed guarantees show victory. After the training session, Kalib dumped a bucket of water on Ed, who was lazing around on a mat. Jesse said it was awesome.
Team Ortiz Training
Danny teaches Tae Kwon Do. He says his parents are well off, he’s got a lot of brothers, and no sisters. He says his father was strict and that “no one will ever give me a beating worse than him.”
At Home
Nickels says Danny runs his mouth. Danny is shown going off on this story about how he’d defend Tito if Shamrock came over and threw a punch. Bisping says that Danny’s always got some crazy story, that he’s immature and always trying to be funny. Danny annoys Bisping. Bisping looks incredibly annoyed.
Danny says his back injury is a secret. Shh. Ed, however, sees Danny leaving all the time, and asks everyone, “Where is Danny goin’?” Ed’s confused and thinks maybe Danny’s rich parents have been paying for private lessons so he doesn’t get beaten too badly. Nickels says he thinks Danny might fake a broken toe or say that his “uterus is pulled” to get out of the fight with Ed.
Team Ortiz Training
Tito wonders if Danny’s back is really injured or if he’s just using it as an excuse in case he doesn’t perform well in the fight. Danny says he’s definitely injured.
At Home
Matt says “WOOO!” a lot. Bisping says that Matt’s “WOOO!”ing drives him up a wall and calls Matt a “simpleton.” Matt thinks it’s really funny that Bisping hates the “WOOO!” and continues to do it. After Matt’s back is turned, Bisping says, “You annoy me. In general.” I’m not about to debate the morality of talking behind a deaf man’s back. As long as it’s Matt/Bisping in the finals, he can say whatever he wants.
Team Shamrock Training
Tito says that Danny is training to the best of his capability. Tito is clearly not enthusiastic about Danny’s chances. They make him do drills involving being shoved over a bag, into the cage, pushing his opponent off him and standing back up. Over and over. It must be hard on his back. Tito says that he’s trying to separate the men from the boys. He says it’ll make Danny’s back ache but it won’t injure him further, and he needs to suck up the pain and push through.
Fight Announcement
Tito, in video interviews, says that he’s been trying to get under Ed’s skin by picking him last, hoping to make him get angry and look past Danny, and subsequently suffer a loss. Ed continues to talk himself up and make snide remarks to Tito. This sort of exchange happens and it’s pretty hilarious:
Ed: Skinny legs.
Tito: That’s how I make 205.
When Tito announces the fight, he pretends to forget Ed’s name. “For Team Ortiz, it’ll be Danny. From Team Shamrock, it’ll be… Ed?”
Did I ever mention that I think Tito Ortiz is wonderful?
Danny knows the fight will be tough, but he doesn’t want a cakewalk fight.
Ed says that fighting motivates him to set goals and be a better person. He’s from a broken home. He says, sipping whisky, that there were a lot of drugs and alcohol in the past, but everyone on both sides of his family is clean now. He says he’s just a badass, and that he’s got more heart than his chest can hold. Then he says something about how he’s got so much heart it’s coming out of his armpits. But it confused me, so I forgot exactly how the phrase went. Besides, there was no way it was topping “That’s how I make 205” or Bisping’s out-loud journal reflections for line of the episode.
At Home
Matt has been helping Danny with wrestling moves. Matt thinks Danny will win and that it will be a tough fight for him.
Weigh In
Both fighters make weight. Kalib says it’ll be a miracle if Danny makes it past the first round.
Nobody believes in Danny. Dana, however, says that any guy who can strike always has a puncher’s chance.
At Home
Kendall tells Ed to expect a fight because Danny is out to prove everyone wrong. Ed says, “Losing to me won’t be that bad, ’cause I’m going to win the whole show.”
Ed discusses his best friend’s death. His best friend apparently saw a program about the most dangerous occupations and went out to try one (fishing in Alaska), and died. River is callous and laughs heartily at this picture of the dearly departed:
and wonders why his memorial picture is such a terrible photograph of him. River says it’s ridiculous for someone to attempt a dangerous occupation and actually die. His utter lack of reverence for anything is one reason I love him so much. He’s so morally postmodern. Being irreverent is almost as hot as pillow fighting.
Danny prays to Allah. Some morons on Sherdog got all “we shouldn’t let none of them there fighters pray to them there gods what ain’ white.” I just thought he’d need all the help he could get.
Fight Day
Danny really thinks he’ll win. In the van, Kendall is being encouraging. Nickels gives Ed a pep talk. Danny says he’s not going to lose. Ed says his head is full of iron and he’s never been knocked out or hurt in his life, and he’s been hit hard.
Ed: You think ground and pound is boring? Wait’ll you see mine.
River: Who does he think he is!? Mark Coleman!?
Mark Coleman is River’s favorite fighter.
The Fight!
John McCarthy’s appearance as referee was legitimately the most exciting part of the episode so far. They begin, of course, standing. Danny’s punches seem slow. Danny clinches with Ed. Ed trips Danny and grounds him. In Danny’s guard, Ed backs him up to the cage.
In his guard, Ed punches Danny a lot but it doesn’t seem to be doing much. Repeat that last sentence about ten times and sometimes replace the word “punches” with “elbows” and that’s the rest of the fight.
Ed seems pretty slow and listless. Ed works some armlocks. Ed mounts Danny. Danny gives up his back and just stands up into an armbar. Ed sort of grabs his arm and slams himself down into the armbar. It’s pretty sick:
Post-fight, Tito said that he told Danny not to clinch with him, and that’s exactly what Danny did.
Tito said that he saw what kind of fighter Ed was and that he lived up to the hype to some extent.
Dana said Ed didn’t look impressive at all.
I think that if Ed hadn’t hyped himself up as the greatest fighter ever, his display would have been more impressive. I’m all for someone dominating a fight and getting a win by whatever means they want to, but Ed made himself out to be so explosive. If he was just going to fight (a rather easy fight) safe without risking injury and without doing anything especially exciting, he should’ve just told us so. I feel let down.
Danny, post-fight, with his team, shouts “ARRGH I’M A UFC FIGHTER.” Danny goes on about how tough he was and how good he was and how he really proved something. Tito will have none of it and says, “That didn’t make any sense at all. He’s not. He’s being a showoff.”
But we’re all missing the big question here. Who will make Matt’s food now that Danny is eliminated?
The Teams
Team Ortiz
Middleweights: Rory Singer, Kendall Groves
Light Heavyweights: Matt Hamill, Michael Bisping, Josh Haynes.
Team Shamrock
Middleweights: Kalib Starnes, Ed Herman
Light Heavyweights: Mike Nickels, Jesse Forbes
Other Things!
Enjoy UFC 60. I don’t know where your heart lies, but I hope you’re not too upset when Hughes beats Gracie.
Tito Ortiz posted a MySpace bulletin recently what says this:
And that’s better for everyone. Please note the “=)”. As if you ever needed more proof that Tito’s legitimately a nice guy.
