We’re in Bakersfield CA
You’re hosts are Tazz and Cole
Sorry for the delay but I was sick this weekend and I’m only now just getting better
We start right away with JBL in the ring. He calls Judgment Day a “travesty” and calls Rey Mysterio out for a re-match tonight. Rey answers the call out and reminds JBL who won at Judgment Day. JBL calls Rey a punk so Rey brings up the fact that JBL hasn’t defended the US Championship in a while. JBL says he carries the company (seriously, I nearly had an aneurysm from laughing so hard) and that he’ll take on all comers. Rey then brings out Lashley to fight JBL for the title
WWE US Championship
(C) JBL Vs Lashley
JBL thumbs the eye to start but that just makes Lashley made and he promptly hammers away on JBL with right hands and a slam. JBL gets a big boot to the face and some clubbing right hands and tries to the Lariat but Lashley ducks it and gets the Spear to win the title!
WINNER – LASHLEY
Too short to rate but nice to see Rey be the smarter guy in this feud with JBL for once.
JBL is obviously pissed and barges into Teddy Longs complaining so JBL starts getting angry so Long threatens to fire JBL if he hits him. JBL says he’ll leave Smackdown if he can’t beat Rey so Long makes the match for the main event
Tatanka Vs Simon Dean
I’ve not seen Simon Dean actually have a match in ages. He’s wasted as a manager. Lock up leads to Simon mocking Tatanka so Tatanka knocks him down and goes to the arm. Tatanka goes after the arm with most of his offence and gets some chops in the corner. Tatanka gets a clothesline and a vertical suplex and then goes back to the arm. Dean uses the power of cheating to fight back but tries to wear the head dress and gets pummelled. Tatanka does the same comeback he used to do 12 years ago and gets the Catatonic for the win
WINNER – Tatanka
½* – Nothing happening here. This Tatanka push is an example of just how desperate WWE are for talent
Matt Hardy and Teddy Long are talking backstage when Paul Heyman shows up. He says he’s there to seek out the competition. Teddy says he doesn’t want Heyman scouting talent. If I was Teddy I would be worried because it’s highly possible Heyman could steal his entire Cruiserweight division
Mark Henry Vs Chris Fucking Benoit
Henry gets some rap group to sing his music and I fast forward to Benoit’s entrance. I wonder if Benoit can get Henry above **? Lets find out. Lock up and Henry shoves Benoit across the ring. Benoit gets some chops in but he gets clobbered into the corner but keeps fighting. Benoit tries the cross face but gets clotheslined down for his troubles. Henry tries a press slam but Benoit counters with a cross face attempt but that ends up going nowhere. Benoit gets Henry reeling with an enziguri and sends Henry outside as we go to a commercial
Commercial
When we return Benoit is clubbing away at Henry but he gets crushed in the corner and then smashed in the back of a head with a clothesline. God Mark Henry’s offence is so slow and boring it’s untrue. After what seems like a decade in a chin lock Henry misses a splash allowing Benoit to go for the cross face but Henry makes the ropes. Benoit tries again but Henry throws him outside and rams him into the post a few times. Benoit sells it tremendously and even bites a condom with red liquid in it to sell internal injuries. Refs come to the ring to stop it and end the misery
NO CONTEST
¼* – That was one of the most boring matches I have seen in ages and it was ALL down to Henry. Benoit, bless his noble heart, tried his best but he had literally nothing to work with and despite an awesome sell job he couldn’t enthuse the crowd. If Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle can’t get you to **1/2 then you KNOW you suck. Even Viscera got carried to a decent TV match with Benoit. And what was the point in sacrificing Benoit to Henry when they could have let Finlay do it?
William Regal comes out to crown King Booker. Booker and Sharmel come out on a mobile throne that is so completely tacky it’s hilarious. Booker may bore me as an in ring wrestler these days but his skits are comic gold most of the time. Regal reads out a very funny declaration, made even funnier by his dead on Lord Alfred Hayes impression. Sharmel of course gets some mic time and demands everyone bow down to King Booker. Booker is officially crowned and thanks all his loyal subjects. Booker then officially makes Sharmel as queen as his first royal decree. Booker says he will rule with an iron fist and then gets a lot of pyro and confetti. Amazingly, the whole ceremony went off without a hitch and no one ran in. I would have liked it if Funaki had come out to interview Booker as he’s “Smackdown’s #1 Announcer” and he’d been promptly beaten to a pulp. No one takes a beating like Funaki and that’s the truth.
Nunzio and Vito are preparing for their match backstage and Vito looks troubled about these cross dressing rumours.
London and Spanky Vs Vito and Nunzio
My friend made me break down into hysterics a few days ago saying he wouldn’t call Spanky “Brian Kendrick” as he refused to call him by his slave name. I just found that hilarious for some reason. Anyway Spanky grabs a headlock on Nunzio and London comes in for a double flying forearm. London takes a cheap shot from Vito and is then on the wrong end of a clothesline for two. London gets worked over in the heel corner. Funny fact about this match London, Nunzio and Vito have all been tag champions before but in three different companies. London in WWE, Nunzio in ECW and Vito in WCW all with different partners. Spanky is the only guy to have never won a tag title in either WCW or ECW in the match. Speaking of Spanky he gets the hot tag and it all breaks loose. Sliced Bread #2 gets the win soon after
WINNERS – LONDON AND SPANKY
*1/4 – good little tag match
Mr Kennedy………Kennedy is FINALLY coming back. Man I missed him
They show pictures of Khali beating Undertaker at Judgment Day. I don’t know where they go with this now but they have something with Khali as the unstoppable monster so no doubt when someone like Lashley beats him it will get them over. I personally would like it if Gunner Scott beats him by maliciously wearing his arm down and cranking in that crowbar move he used to do in OVW.
Finlay Vs Burchill
Lock up leads to a Burchill go behind but he gets clubbed down. Burchill runs into a clothesline and then shoves Burchill shoulder first into the corner and gets the Kryptonite Krunch for the win. After the match Finlay debuts his leprechaun who promptly goes insane and gets shoved under the ring. Damn you Johnny Ace!
World Heavyweight Championship
If JBL loses he will be forced to quit Smackdown
(C) Rey Mysterio w/ Chavo Guerrero Vs JBL
Man JBL looks really Dusty Rhodesish these days if you know what I mean. Looks like the wellness program is working and by that I mean nobody has died. You see I take you in one direction (libellous insinuation of past drug use) and take you down in another direction entirely. Chavo breaks the land speed record for a second getting knocked out and JBL gets the Clothesline from Hell on Rey but Rey’s foot was on the ropes so we continue and of course it’s commercial time.
Commercial
When we come back JBL is smacking Rey around in the corner saying he’s nothing like Eddie Guerrero. Rey dodges a charge in the corner and heads up top but is caught and Fall Away Slammed off for two. JBL gets a couple of boots to the face. So Great Khali can beat Undertaker with that but in the WORLD CHAMPION’S match it’s just a transition move? What the hell is up with this planet sometimes? Anyway JBL tears Rey apart outside and throws him into the steps which gets two back inside. JBL does some mount punching, well he does love MMA, but that only gets two. JBL gets a big right hand and if was Bart Gunn that would be the finish, wait what the hell am I saying Bart Gunn would NEVER get a World Title match. I mean what is it with certain guys doing the same moves with different outcomes. In any sane universe a punch isn’t a legitimate finisher but man I’ve seen Bart Gunn waste some mid carders with it. Oh shit the match! My apologies I’ve been off on a tangent and missed a large portion of the match. Ah it was just a JBL heat segment. JBL mocks Eddie and tries to remove the turnbuckle pad but the ref puts a stop to that so JBL bumps the ref. JBL and the ref both end up in the 619 position and Rey decides not to do the move and falls prey to a low blow because of it. JBL grabs a chair and waffles Chavo with it but Rey is able to counter it with a low blow and gets a Tornado DDT on it as well. Rey gets the 619 and Drops the Dime to get the win and banish JBL from Smackdown
WINNER – REY MYSTERIO
**1/2 – Man that’s twice Rey has gutted it out and beaten JBL. You’d think he was a main eventer or something.
Match quality was pretty low this week but man some BIG things happened. Lashley’s first title win, Booker’s crowning and JBL’s last Smackdown appearance. I’m sure he’ll back in a month anyway so this will all be moot but hey nice to see Rey decisively win the feud.
See you next week!
