Tommy P’s Raw Coverage 6/5/06

So the WWE hired Jack Black to do some dumb ass promotion for his new movie. Let’s recap what happens when celebrities get involved in professional wrestling.

-Mr. T and Hulk Hogan teamed up.
-William “the Refrigerator” Perry nearly has a heart attack in a battle royal.
-David Arquette wins the WCW World Championship.
-Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman team up to take on Diamond Dallas Page and Jay Leno.
-Drew Carey nearly has a heart attack in the Royal Rumble.
-Rob Schneider teamed up with the 2005 Diva Search Contest for the most hilarious segment ever!
-Mike Tyson contributed to the Austin “Legend” of being involved with beating women in some way or another.

And so forth. There’s about a 1000 reasons why this is a bad idea. After tonight, there’ll be 1001.

Evening all, I’m Tom Pandich, here once again to talk to you about all things Raw. Last week, Vince proposed Triple H could join the kiss my ass club. Rather then tossing the gimmick away for its typical three years of hibernation, they’ve decided to keep it coming back. Brilliant.

Besides that, we’ve got a head to head contract signing between RVD and Cena (where we hopefully find out who’s the WWE will push as the heel and the face). Plus, more fake Kane, evil Foley cutting awesome promos, Paul Heyman, and the inevitable Umaga/Viscera confrontation. Keep it here all night as we go through this together.

We start things out with Triple H and Shane O Mac having a nice little chat. Shane knows the sledgehammer thing was an accident and that they’re still cool. Shane says he doesn’t want Triple H to join the Kiss My Ass club as it’s mortifying to watch his father pull down his pants as well as humiliating to be a member of the club. Shane tells the H’s to talk to Vince, reason with Vince. If he doesn’t, it’ll only get worse.

Fireworks and the server is still down. Hm.. this may turn into a Raw recap show rather then Live coverage. Contract signing is now. Paul Heyman and Jonathan Coachman are in the ring. Pop, “Play the game” and here comes Rob. Heyman introduces RVD as the man who will beat John Cena at One Night Stand. Coachman introduces Cena next and for the first time in a while, the boos way out number the cheers.

Both take their seats and Coachman shows the contract. Both Cena and Rob’s lawyers have looked at the contract and both have approved. RVD grabs the pen and a Cena chant followed by boos starts up. He doesn’t sign and instead cuts a promo. RVD says that its six days until the title gets renamed the ECW World Title. Rob runs down Cena and how every single one of the fans in the Hammerstein Ballroom will want to rub three letters in his face.

Heyman jumps in and keeps poking at Cena. Cena picks up his microphone and starts talking about how he was one of those fans back in the day. He says how he’s been booed out of arenas before and will be booed out of arenas again. Just because Rob Van Dam will have 2500 of his best friends come Sunday, and he’ll have the home court advantage doesn’t mean that Cena will lie down and roll over. Love him or hate him, Cena cuts one great promo. Cena signs the contract, both men shake and things are happy in contract land.

Paul Heyman stops Cena saying that his first taste of ECW will come Wednesday night, not Sunday. WWE vs ECW will be a 30 man battle royal with 10 superstars from Raw, Smackdown, and ECW. 9 PM on USA is when it’s on. Heyman wants to introduce Cena to some ECW superstars right now. Balls Mahoney, Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk, and the Sandman (sans beer and cigs) all come down.

Cena says “I’m guessing these guys wants my autograph”. Funny stuff. Cena says if he’s going down, he’s going down swinging. He gets a few shots in before Sandman destroys him with the kendo stick. Sabu comes down with a chair and drops a semi elbow on the chair in a “you f*cked up” moment. WWE wrestlers clear the ring as the ECW guys celebrate with the fans.

Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin: Non-Title Match Up

Shelton starts the match hammering away at Carlito. Carlito switches things up with a well timed drop kick. He stays on Shelton until Shelton nails a roundhouse and is able to take over. Shelton slows things down with a side headlock followed by an eye rake.

Shelton pulls Carlito up before dumping him to the outside. Carlito struggles up to the apron and lands a few shoulder blocks before being taken out with a knee. Shelton tosses Carlito into the ropes, dodges the clothesline, and both men are down after a double clothesline. Carlito takes over dodging a clothesline and hitting a few of his own. Carlito lands a springboard elbow for 2.

Carlito moves Shelton to his feet only to get caught up in a Samoan Drop. Carlito crawls to a corner and dodges the Stinger splash. Carlito hits Shelton with a clubbing blow and tries to throw Shelton into the corner. Shelton reverses and Carlito leaps to the top rope. He misses the moonsault, but lands on his feet over Shelton! Backcracker! 1,2,3! Cool spot to end the match.

Winner: Carlito

Do we really need to have another See No Evil preview? Yes, yes we do. After that Triple H is in the back waiting in Vince’s office looking at a picture of Shawn having his face shoved into Vince’s ass. No words are necessary. Commercial break #2.

We’re back and the site is still down…fantastic. I’m DVRing this so I could very well write this some time tomorrow and play some Lumines. We’re back and 19 Steelers are in attendance tonight at Raw. Wow… that’s quite a bit.

In the back, Vince says tonight is the night. He claps! Hah, double fantastic. Vince talks about how he got a facial and then he got an asscial for the first time ever. His ass was sand blasted. Triple H says he’s not going to go out and embarrass himself by going out and kissing his asscial. Triple H says there needs to be a second plan. Vince offers it.

Tonight, Triple H will take on the Big Show to avoid kissing Vince’s ass, he has to win of course. This match is right now. Triple H’s music starts up in Vince’s office.

Triple H vs the Big Show: Ass kiss mania

Wow, Triple H makes ringside in time for his spit. That proves he’s either quite fast, the segment was taped, or he takes three hours to get down to the ring usually. Probably all three. Commercials.

WWE Rewind is Edge beating Big Show for the #1 Contendership. Big Show is pissed. He misses a clubbing blow and Triple H gets a few shots before eating a knee and a few chops in the corner. Triple H hits a knee or two before eating a big military press from Show.

Triple H rolls to the ropes to pull himself up and pulls the ropes down causing Show to fly outside. Here comes the Spirit Squad. They run down, kick Big Show, and run away. DQ victory for Show.

Winner by shenanigans: The Big Show

We’re back, and Vince is talking stock. Triple H interrupts and is pissed. Vince has no idea what’s going on. Vince is holding Triple H to the ass kissing. If he refuses, Triple H will never get another title shot again.

Matt Striker vs Eugene: Yay Striker

Striker asks what makes Eugene think he could win after the asskicking Striker gave him. Eugene has a tutor. Striker asks who would be dumb enough to tutor Eugene? Why it’s HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!

Striker lands a massive plant DDT to start things off for two. Striker hits a few blows before Eugene retards up. Eugene tries for a Rock Bottom which Striker fights off and lands a neck breaker. USA chant and Striker goes and jaws with Duggan. Eugene gets down in the three point stance and it is ovah!

Winner: The Retard

Striker attacks Eugene on the outside only to be chased off by Duggan and his two-by-four. Out of no where, it’s Umaga and he takes out Duggan. They do their little rap about how Umaga conquers all, even 60 year old wrestlers as we go to commercial.

We’re back and here comes…. KURT ANGLE!!!1111 Angle gets a big chant from his hometown crowd. Nothing will stop Angle from coming back to his hometown of Pittsburgh tonight. Before he can go any further, Mick Foley interrupts him. He says it’s ok to be out here as a proud member of ECW, but the cheap pop is his deal. He tells Kurt to essentially have fun with a bunch of second rate Foley rip offs. Angle says that Foley is a glorified stuntman and everything Flair says it’s true… woo!

Foley says he heard that Heyman said Angle offered an open challenge on Smackdown. Naturally, Foley doesn’t believe anything out of Heyman’s mouth. Kurt says it’s true, it’s damn true. Kurt says he wants Foley to come and answer that challenge so he can break his damn ankle. Kurt says it’ll be another paycheck for Mrs. Foley’s Baby Boy, or rather, Mrs. Foley’s Hairy Prostitute. Speaking of hairy prostitutes, here comes Lita. Great line by Kurt.

Lita is utterly smoking tonight. Seriously, this is the hottest she has ever looked in the past three years. Apparently Edge wants to come down and he runs down the Pirates. He says how Angle would trade places with Edge in a second. Angle has heard enough and he goes for the ankle lock on Edge. Foley pulls him off, but eats an Angle Slam.

Angle goes right back to Edge and tries for the ankle lock before Lita pulls Edge out. Angle celebrates, but someone’s suspension is over. RKO and Angle is out. Randy Orton looks quite smug as usual.

During the commercial break, Randy cuts a promo and he sounds drunk as hell. Totally wasted. Anywho, Randy Orton/Kurt Angle next week.

Trevor Murdock is in the ring with Lance Cade and he’s running down Kane for the ass whooping he took last week. Now though, things will be different because it’s Lance Cade!

Lance Cade vs Kane: Ahahahahaha

Lance Cade hits three moonsaults in a row to win and is not squashed in typical Kane fashion. Match of the Year candidate that ends with Kane somehow landing a choke slam only to be interrupted by spooky mask promo. Kane heads to the back and is counted out.

Winner by count out: Lance Cade

Trevor Murdock celebrates and Kane is in the back. Fake Kane is behind him getting closer as the lights flash on and off. Fake Kane throws a garbage can at Kane and throws him into a door before wandering off.

We’re back and here comes a promo for two new wrestlers. Scottish Highlanders! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! Apparently though, there are two. They walk around acting retarded and taking pictures. Wow, I can’t wait to see these guys on Heat in a month.

Speaking of Heat, here comes Johnny Nitro and Melina.

Johnny Nitro vs Charlie Haas: Mixed Feelings

I like Haas but he has no personality. I like Nitro but he too has no personality. Haas hits a few scoop slams to start things out early, but Nitro cheats his way to an advantage. Nitro dumps Haas and Melina digs her fingers into his eyes. Nitro hits a scoop slam for two.

Nitro works over Haas and apparently Lillian got hurt by Nitro during his intro. A minor Lilian chant starts up as Haas takes over. Haas tosses Nitro into the corner and climbs to the top using a monkey flip. Haas attacks Nitro some more before remounting Nitro in the corner. Ten punches and Nitro is dazed. Melina tries to get in the ring, but falls flat on her face. She fakes an injury and it’s roll up time. Match over.

Winner: Nitro

Last week, Beth Phoenix won. This week, she’ll win again. First though, Lillian falls and apparently it was Haas that took out Lillian, not Nitro. In the ring, it’s Victoria. In her corner, it’s Mickey James looking hot as hell. Victoria isn’t that bad either. Beth phoenix though might have the most hideous leotard in the history of mankind.

Beth Phoenix vs Victoria: Wacky Diva Hijinks

I blank out for a few talking to Dan Helvia about how Victoria looks hot and Phoenix looks terrible tonight. As usual though, both of us would still do her (even though Dan says he wouldn’t, dirty liar). Victoria works over Phoenix. Phoenix works over Victoria. Mickey gets up on the apron and gets pulled down by Trish.

Victoria goes for a roll up and shows Phoenix’s panties and a bit of crack. The ref doesn’t count. Phoenix tries for a roll up of her own, but Victoria holds on. Victoria tosses a clothesline, Phoenix dodges, burning arrow finishes it.

Winner: Beth Phoenix

Kane’s movie promo. Bleh. It’s terrible.

Vince talks about how his asscial to Shane, offering him a preview. Wow… just stop. Stop Vince.

Dusty Rhodes DVD is out tomorrow, three discs of some of the most boring matches ever.

We’re back and we recap a bunch of ECW stuff. Jerry Lawler runs down Tazz’s announcing skills and his shortness. Jerry Lawler accepts Taz’s challenge for One Night Stand.

The card:
-Rey Mysterio vs Sabu for the World Heavyweight Championship
-Taz vs Jerry Lawler
-Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton
-Edge and Mick Foley vs Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer
-John Cena vs Rob Van Dam for the WWE Title

Shane tries to drug Triple H a la Stef and Shawn Michaels, but Triple H gets the best of him switching water bottles.

Final ECW promo of the night.

Here comes Vince and Shane. Vince runs down how Shawn kissed his ass. He then talks about Good Ole JR kissed Vince’s ass. He also talks about how Shane inadvertently joined the club. No Regal though… aww. Here comes Triple H to his promo music. Vince says he has no malice towards Triple H. Triple H starts to fake being drugged while the world’s most annoying fan starts shouting out DX. Triple H collapses and Vince says how no one is bigger then him

Vince drops his drawers and Shane looks zonked. Shane starts laughing at Vince’s asscial before collapsing himself. Vince is caught literally with his pants down as Triple H stands up. Kick, wham, pedigree! The show ends with Triple H officially turning face and Vince laying unconscious with his pants down.

As far as this show goes, it was relatively good. There were a few problems with it, but all in all, a very entertaining show. Angle/Foley was a great promo and it’s nice that Triple H has officially turned face, but the wrestling felt a little weak. Ah well, see you Wednesday for WWE vs ECW.