Monday Night Rabble

Tonight!

WE’LL WATCH AS NOTHING UNFOLDS

NOTHING IS CHANGED!

I GUARANTEE SO LITTLE WILL GO ON THAT…

You better watch because lots will happen just to prove me wrong!

Here we are – in the new home for the Rabble, mine and Dani’s digs… after a week’s worth of moving and general hate around the world for physical labor, it’s time for the Rabble. Not just your mama’s Rabble.. it’s the place where the Chuckleheads conjoin together to form a union of snarkiness unseen before. The Rabble is no longer a report to visit. It’s a Monday Night staple. It’s a tradition.

THE MONDAY NIGHT RABBLE IS AMERICA!

With:
Jenna – The Patriotic Princess
Hernandez – The Cross The Border Buddy!
Eric – The Captain of Commercialization
Chris – The Internet Backbone
Bill – Lord of Meta-Gamers
Michael – His Feet Talk To Me….. I wish I could explain more.
Dani – She likes pretty things….
And me.. your MC.. your Host… The King Chucklehead – James Hatton

And just so you know – the Monday Night Rabble is brought to you by:
InsidePulse.Com – Your home for pop culture!
NWS Wrestling – Your home for Jersey Indy!
The Monday Night Rabble – Your Home For Hatton!

Now let’s get to the show…..

We start with Shane and Trips talking about Shane recognizing that the whole ‘sledgehammer to a face’ was an accident. Shane agrees that seeing Vince’s rear on tv is a bit much, and doesn’t want to see Trips joining the Kiss My Ass Club – even going as far as to say Trips is like ‘..a member of the family..’

Tonight – we get Trips joining the Kiss My Ass Club.

We got the contract signing of RVD & John Cena…

And here comes..
“Hey a contract signing” – Hernandez

That’s right – Rob Van Dam is on his way. Coach tries to introduce him, but Paul Heyman takes it away from Coach and gives him the full ECW style intro.
“Hey Paul – you didn’t give him time to do the thumbs!” – Eric

Rob and Paul hug and here comes Cena.
“There’s a sledgehammer hidden under the table…” – Bill

Coach takes the contract – and offers it to Rob Van Dam.
“Rob takes the contract, rolls it up and smokes it.” – Me

Rob gets the mic… “Six days before that title is around my waist.”
“Airbrushed..” – Hernandez
“He’ll ruin all those cubic zirconia.” – Bill
“He’s reading off the Titantron” – Hernandez

“I hope you’ve prepared for this fight John, for this hardcore action that brings out the best in me. This extremely judgemental crowd can’t wait to boo you out the frigging door. The Chain Gang will not be present at One Night Stand.”

Paul grabs the mic and discusses the most innovative ring in the industry.
“Thunderdome” – Michael

…and the most passionate fans.
“Passionate fans? You are damn right, because I am an ECW fan. I watched and respected everything ECW did for this business.” – Cena
“So you marked when Sabu took Bigelow through the ring?” – Michael

John explains that he’s kept this belt by fighting in cage matches with Pitbulls.
“Rick Steiner?” – Me
“No.. The Pitbulls “- Eric

So at One Night Stand – Cena’s target is Rob Van Dam. Heyman explains that Cena will be facing, with 9 other Smackdown and Raw folks – versus 10 ECW folks on Wednesday.

And here comes Sandman, Balls Mahoney, Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer,
“Terry Funk is looking for the bathroom…” – Michael

So John gets surrounded by ECW – he turns to clock Sandman and gets the beatdown! IN RUNS SABU! Top Turnbuckle – Throws himself with the chair, misses the legdrop, and hits him with the chair.. ouch.
“Sabu runs in, climbs the post, throws down thumbtacks, leaps on them.. leaves.” – Bill
“In an act of defense, Sabu rips off his own head.” – Michael

Big Show, Murdoch, Haas, Golddust, Snitsky..
“Golddust.. very imposing” – Chris
“bookerbookerbookerbooker..” – Michael

Cluster-F with ECW bailing and an interesting way to start the show.

COMMERCIAL

Here comes Carlito!

CARLITO vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
As a note.. Lillian looks very nice tonight

Shelton starts off with a big kick to Carlito – big clubs from Shelton – thumb in the eye of Carlito, and now big fists. Dropkick from Carlito drops Shelton, textbook kids.. TEXT book… hits a back elbow and he’s moving fast on us…
“So is this the match that Carlito is going to screw up all the moves on us?” – Hernandez

So Shelton hits a side superkick, awesome spot – grabs Carlito – drops him face first to the turnbuckle. Snapmare and a knee to Carlito’s head. Headlock holdspot. Shelty throws Carlito out of the ring – picks him up, but Carlito gets the shoulderchecks, but Shelty hits him once to let him fall in.

Shelton throws him to the ropes – DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE. They get to their feet at the same time and punch punch punch – Carlito gets up top with some SOLID clotheslines – ducks a clothesline of Shelty’s and hits 2nd rope – back elbow.
“Carlito is getting CUT” – Bill
“He’s getting thinner as the match progresses?” – Me
“Yes!” – Bill
“He’s been putting points into Technique” – Chris

Shelty throws Carlito to the corner – Carlito does a top turnbuckle leap – a PERFECT MOONSAULT landing on his feet behind Shelty – grabs him – The Carlito Drop – and THAT IS IT!

WHAT…IT’S A NONTITLE… FUCK! – WINNER – CARLITO

How fantastic was that ending? Oh you saw it in text.. let me give you a replay…

..A PERFECT MOONSAULT landing on his feet behind Shelty..
grabs him
The Carlito Drop
THAT IS IT!

Oh and.. umm.. they’re STILL showing us SEE NO EVIL – Please stop.

Triple H is sitting staring at the McMahon Door.
“Trips trying to learn to read…” – Michael
“Missss…. Terrrrrrrr…” – Me

Coach opens the door and says he’ll let McMahon know Trips is waiting. Trips stares at the Shawn kissing Vince’s ass picture for awhile.
“And Coach in the role of Kobayashi today.. ‘I.. Shall tell.. my Benefactor…Mistah…McMahon” – Michael

COMMERCIAL (TWO – 9:28)
“Ya know the kid from The Omen.. not that scary..” – Chris
“They should get the kid from The Ring” – Dani
“They should get the kid from The original Omen…” – Michael
“Still dressed in his clothes from the original Omen..” – Me

..hey look.. the pittsburgh steelers are here… Hi Soak!

So Trips is in the back. Still. Hey McMahon is here and he asks Trips why he has the ‘Boo Boo Look’. So Vince discusses how on Wednesdays he usually gets a Manicure.. Pedicure.. A Facial..
“Well Candice usually gets the facial.” – Bill

Well this time.. he got an ashel…

So Trips says if Vince is going to make him do it, he can stick it ‘Up his ashel’. They bicker back and forth and Vince decides that he’s going to go with Plan B. Vince says that if he beats Big Show – the Kiss My Ass Club bit is over.

The only thing is that the match is now…. like… ya know…. right now?
“He doesn’t have his water.” – Eric
“Yeah, it’s going to be a dry show.” – Michael

TRIPS.. WITH WATER…
“…dammit… not ready… not… elbow pad.. dammit..” – Hernandez
“Apparently he’s Namor and needs water for strength.” – Michael

And Hunter makes it down to the ring in time to spit on cue.

COMMERCIAL – (THREE – 9:37)

And we’re back at 9:41 – and the Trips music is STILL playing….

Hey.. it’s the BIG Show…

TRIPLE H vs. BIG SHOW
“Well it’s a play on words… because he’s a big show on a big… nevermind” – Michael

Trips runs in and punches the hell out of Show only to get a headbutt!
“Oh god, what was I thinking..” – Hernandez

Show CHOPS and CHOPS and CHOPS..
“Geezus is this what selling feels like” – Hernandez

Trips charges in and gets PRESS SLAMMED HARD! Big Show runs to Trips – Trips grabs the rope and tips him over the top.

Down runs the Spirit Squad – Hits Big Show – And runs away!
“Hut hut hut hut hut hut.. Kick kick kick kick.. hut hut hut” – Bill

WINNER via DQ: THE BIG SHOW

COMMERCIAL – (FOUR – 9:45)
“That was good, I don’t know if it constitutes another commercial break, but that was good” – Hernandez
“..but guys.. we just saw wrestling.. nevermind, no we didn’t..” – Bill

In the back – here’s Vince on the cell and in runs Trips! He proclaims that it’s Vince’s fault that the Spirit Squad runs in… Vince has been on the phone though.
“With his psychic advisor.” – Michael
“Miss Cleo?” – Eric

So Vince explains that a deal is a deal, and now Trips must kiss Vince’s ass. If he says no – he’ll never wrestle for a title again.

Hey now coming to the ring.. ratings.. Eugene!

In the ring.. Matt Stryker.
“Who doesn’t get an intro” – Eric

EUGENE vs. MATT STRYKER
..Almost the 10 O Clock spot…

So Matt wants to know why Eugene thinks he can win a match this time? Eugene’s tutor is here.. who is none other than… Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
“An inspiration to retards everywhere” – Hernandez
“Slackjaw Jim Duggan?” – Michael

So Stryker blindsides Eugene – then does a through the second rope DDT.. very nice actually for two. Then as Eugene gets beat down – Hacksaw gets some ‘Hoooos’ proving he cares.

Stryker hits a hammer lock – chinlock – and then Stryker butts Eugene to the corner which we all know what that means. He hits the airplane spin. Tries to go for the Rock Bottom and it’s reversed into a bad neckbreaker – and Hacksaw gets the USA chant.
“What does that mean?” – Bill
“United States of America” – Me

SO I blink – and Eugene hits the Four Point Stance Clothesline – and then rolls up Stryker for the win.

WINNER: EUGENE?!??!
“That.. was retarded…” – Hernandez

Hey and as Hacksaw’s gathering up Eugene – in runs UMAGA… slams down on Hacksaw… flying headbutt… Thumb Drop of Death… Jambalaya has destroyed Hacksaw… nobody seems to care – Armando introduces himself, but the crowd seems more behind Armando Alejandro Estrada!

“I like that he calls him ‘Acksaw ‘Eem Duggan” – Bill

They do a small anti-Duggan promo… and that’s that.

COMMERCIAL (FIVE – 9:55)

Hey wait a sec… Kurt Angle is here!
“One Fish..
Two Fish..
Red Fish..
Blue Fish..” – The Group (They missed it)

He’s got the mic and the crowd are happy to see him! “Now I realize that I’m proudly a part of ECW and not RAW – there was no way that it was going to stop me from coming back to my hometown, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania…” – Kurt

Hey and here comes Foley! “It’s one thing to come out talking about ECW… but to come out and blatantly get a cheap pop by coming out here in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania?”

So Kurt calls Mick a sell-out. Calls him a bonafide stuntman. Then WOOs at Foley!

Heyman had announced on Smackdown that Kurt has issued an open challenge for ECW, and Kurt says it’s TRUE.. DAMN TRUE!
“I missed you Kurt” – Bill

So as Kurt challenges Foley – Lita steps on down wearing a silvery silvery number with breasts spread so far apart, one might think they were stapled there. Foley explains that he’s going to introduce to Kurt the man who has more wins over him than anyone else.. of course.. Edge!

Edge has got the mic now – “Kurt old bean, how are you. You look a little nervous. Sweat forming on that noggin that I shaved bald. Kurt, here you are like the almighty… like.. the Pittsburgh Steelers… but against me, you are like the pathetic.. lowly.. Pittsburgh Pirates.”
“Or the Indiana Penguins, but that’s not that topical” – Michael

Kurt wants to know why Edge is out here.
“And wants a better metaphor” – Michael
“Isn’t he from Pittsburgh?” – Dani
“Yes.. he’s here to see his wife..” – Bill

So Edge wants to know why Angle thinks this is going to work for him this time since he bailed on ECW last time. Why should it work this time?

Kurt feels that he has always done what people don’t think he could do.
“I worked the coal mine when I was 9..” – Bill
“They said I was miscast in Hamlet” – Michael

He then announces that he’s the only one in ECW that can do this – drops EDGE – Foley grabs him, Foley eats an Angle Slam, Edge tries to recoop but ends up eating an Ankle Lock.
“Foley does what he always does best… falls.” – Michael

Edge and Lita bail with Foley – and who runs in to stop Angle? RANDY ORTON! RKO!

SURE! WHY NOT!
“Aww.. he’s out of therapy” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL – (SIX – 10:09)

During the break… we found out that Randy is mad at Kurt for breaking his ankle. Randy pants away….

Hey! Murdoch and Lance Cade are here!
“The Giterdone Boys?” – Michael

Murdoch throws Cade at Kane… so here we go.

KANE vs. LANCE CADE
Freakin Deacon?
“Continuing to not see Evil” – Michael
“Still have not sawn Evil” – Eric

So Kane slams Cade into the corner. Headslams him down. Cross the ring. Short arm clothesline or two… Sideslam to Cade – he hits Murdoch off the turnbuckle. Chokeslams. Red mask in the TitanTron…

Kane starts to leave.

Oh – and Kane gets counted out.

WINNER VIA COUNTOUT: LANCE CADE

Murdoch is thrilled that they won in the ring… in the back though Kane is looking for Kane^2 – the lights go out and Kane^2 is behind him. Again – and he’s closer. Kane is through playing games.
“But it’s time to play the game!” – Michael

So Kane^2 throws a full garbage can at Kane. JR has no clue what’s going on…
“Two months ago, Vince fought God.. and THIS stuns you?” – Michael

COMMERCIAL (SEVEN – 10:19)

So we’re in New York – and hey there is a Scottish Tag Team is here. They are the Highlanders…
“BUT… How? There can be only one?!” – Me

So they do kind of an amusing bit with tourist photos.
“Brought to you by the makers of Razor Ramon” – Hernandez

Back in the ring – the red carpet gets rolled out – and here comes Johnny Nitro with Melina…
This match sponsered by Underworld.
“Because crap sponsers crap..” – Bill

Hey, he gets to face Charlie Haas.

CHARLIE HAAS vs. JOHNNY NITRO
Match of the night..

So Haas charges in – knocks Lillian off the ring by accident.

They lock up – Slam from Haas… two.. goes for a third and Nitro bails to the corner. They get up and fight to the ropes where Nitro eye-thumbs Haas and dropkicks him out. On the outside Melina rakes his eyes a bit and out of nowhere runs Nitro to kick him hard in the gut.

Throws Charlie back in and hits a NICE neckbreaker.
“Right in the frenulum” – Michael
“Spinning frenulum” – Bill

Nitro TOSSES Haas into the corner HARD as they show us Melina.
“Jennifer Lopez watches on.” – Chris

The crowd is chanting Lillian – so she apparently DID get hit and got walked out. Now in the ring, Haas tries to psych the crowd, but they won’t have it. He gets up – HUGE clothesline or two takes down Nitro… Or Three. A MEAN ASS Monkeyflip – and Nitro does a FULL 360 flip to land gut first. Nice!

Haas kicks him hard in the back. Big elbows from Haas, and he’s lost all crowd support. Punches on Nitro and Melina seems to be hurt… ‘seems to’ … as Haas goes and checks it out, Nitro runs in and rolls him up for three.

WINNER: JOHNNY NITRO
“Well that wasn’t that great….” – Bill
“Yet still might be match of the night.” – Michael

COMMERCIAL – (EIGHT – 10:30)

So they show us the inadvertant hurting of Lillian.

Now in the ring is Victoria – who actually doesn’t that bad tonight with bright red hair.. but here comes Mickie James… annnnd… she wins.
“Jersey hair?” – Hernandez
“Jersey hair.” – Me
“Jersey EVERYTHING” – Bill

Now Beth Phoenix coming in with Trish.

BETH vs. VICTORIA
“Beth is built like a T-Bone steak” – Bill
“Like a brick privvy” – Michael

So match starts with Beth hard hitting Victoria – only to have Victoria snap her over get a two count and then kick her RIGHT in the gut.
“Ooo my ovaries” – Hernandez

Victoria wraps Beth around the ropes – chest out.
“R Crumb is having a field day right now” – Michael

Victoria hits a 2nd rope stunner of some sort – and then a standing vertical suplex. Beth fights out of it to land on her feet – and now they chop back and forth and Beth gets the top of it. Hits a dropkick for two.

Beth hits a sidelsam – Mickey stops it – and then there is a back and forth for pins when finally Beth gets her up and hits her finisher which none of us can remember the name of. So we are, for lack of a better term – call it a modified Tiger Driver.

Anyway – Beth wins. But she’s bleeding out of her mouth, and that is about the hottest thing Michael and I have seen all week.

WINNER: BETH PHOENIX

So in the back – Vince and Shane are discussing Shawn kissing Vince’s ass. Vince wants to know if Shane wants to see his ass….
“No.. so… No.” – Michael
“Gotta go!” – Me
“Shane breaking character.”

“Shane call me when it’s done!” – Vince
“..dad.. shut up!” – Michael

COMMERCIAL – (NINE – 10:41)

We get a flash to at the beginning with the ECW invasion bit…
“I’ve never seen Big Show run that fast.” – Hernandez
“They told him there are cheezeburgers.” – Eric
“They said Lawler has McNuggets” – Me

So now Lawler babbles on about Tazz and how there are no rules for ECW and he accepts a match versus Tazz…
“This from a man who made his career on fighting Andy Kaufman.” – Michael

So ECW:
REY vs. SABU – For the belt
KURT vs. RANDY
EDGE & Foley vs. FUNK & DREAMER
CENA vs. RVD
“Are they using RVD’s Driver’s Licence photo?” – Hernandez

In the back Trips is in the back pacing…
“Hey he’s actually swallowing the water” – Michael

Shane comes in and tries to calm Trips down… by slipping him a mickie. Hey, this looks familiar.
“That’s why they kept showing the Shawn pick…. Foreshadowing..” – Me

So Shane calls Vince to let him known everything’s ok… and behind his back.. Triple H switches the water.
“AQUAFINA!” – Chris
“What you don’t smell is Iocane Powder” – Me

COMMERCIAL (TEN – 10:52)

Here comes Vince and Shane… No Chance In Hell…

SIGN OF THE NIGHT: Vince Walks Funny!

Shane struts a bit – and Vince grabs the mic to discuss various elite clubs that exist out there.
“The Klu Klux Klan” – Me
“The Clue Club.. with Woofer” – Michael

Vince addresses how Shawn’s a member, as well as JR.
“Oh THAT’S why he had the stroke.” – Michael

Hey, even Shane’s in the club.
“Dad, if you say anything about your semen… I’m out.” – Bill

Now, it’s time for it to happen to Trips… here comes the long intro’d version and he’s wearing a hat!
“That’s gonna TOTALLY throw off Vince and Shane’s game!” – Me
“What’s better is it says Warrior ‘U’ on it..” – Hernandez

So Vince wants to make sure that Trips realizes there is no enjoyment on his part of this. He just needs to make sure that there is leadership through example.
“Kiss him on the mouth Trips.” – Eric

So Trips is standing there on shaky legs and Vince wants to make sure Trips didn’t pop a Xanex…
“KA CHING!” – Bill

So Trips ‘passes out’
“Remembering the honeymoon night.” – Bill
“NEVER CHALLENGE A MCMAHON WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!!!” – Michael

So Vince drops his pants.
“Shane is staring. ‘I… Love my daaads ass..'” – Chris

So Shane giggles a bit. Then rubs his nipples and passes out. That was awesome. So Trips stands up and tells Vince NOT to pick up his pants. Kicks him – hits the Pedigree…
“Ya know, that is a fantastic Ash’el'” – Me

So Trips stands above both of them… and that’s apparently the end of the show. NO DX CALL OUT… DAMNIT!

So what did the Rabble think:
Hernandez – Just a lead in for Wednesday
Eric – I look forward to Wednesday
Michael – What would have made it good.. is if they put wrestling in it.
Dani – Huh?
Chris – ..whatever..
Bill – I comment on the show this way *Then heads into the bathroom*

So yeah… umm… I got nothing either. Here’s Penny…

P E N N Y C A N D Y F O R T H E R A B B L E
Well, again I ended up missing chunks of RAW, (I FUCKING HATE YOU TSN!!!), so I’ll breathe for a minute, then comment on what I DID get to see live.

Came in halfway through Angle’s promo with Foley. I loved it. I also loved that Edge at least acknowledged Angle’s past ECW feelings. Wow! Continuity! On Raw! Well whaddya know?

Um… wait, pardon me a minute, there are four guys on horses razing the neighor’s yard.

Yep, leave it to Vince to bring on the apocalypse.

So they’re NOT going to bury Feaux-Kane. Please, make the hurting stop! Does ANYONE believe there is ANY possible way this can end in ANYTHING ANY fan could even remotely care about?

The Kiss My Ass Club sequence was actually fun. I’m disturbed HIGHLY tho by my wife’s observation that drugged Shance apparently pinched his nipples and smiled while staring at daddy’s ass.

*shudders*

Trips switching drinks? Priceless. Best part tho? After the pedigree, the look on Trips’ face. Perfect. He’s winning me back. He had the PERFECT look of “Um, why are they cheering? They’re supposed to hate me? I don’t know how to react to being cheered”. Priceless.

I’ll have to wait for the 9PM replay here for the full Cena ECW bit that I only caught in a chopped “Earlier tonight” bit, but Cena HAS to have impressed ECW fans, and even some of the Smarks, by being smart enough to know he was going to get whoomped on and STILL going down swinging. So he’s no Chris Benoit in the ring? WHO REALLY FUCKING CARES??? Smarks? Get your self-aggrandizing heads OUT of your collective asses and look at how this kid is busting his ass to do a great job. He may just be a brawler with 2 moves, hey, so was Hogan. Difference is that unlike Hogan, Cena does as he’s told, busts his ass, never gives anything but his best effort, and is willing to get a beating if it helps the story. So I think the IWC needs to deflate itself a bit. Cena isn’t my all time favorite but I’d take him over Kenneddy ANY day.

Til next week I’m Penny, and I verbally slapped Hyatte so hard he fell off the internet. (Free boob pics to anyone g33k enough to catch that reference.)