Tommy P’s WWE vs ECW Coverage

Greetings all. I’m Tom Pandich, your usual Live Raw guy covering tonight’s special WWE vs ECW. Three matches are on tonight’s card: Rey Rey vs RVD, Cena vs Sabu, and a 20 man battle royal headlined by Kurt Angle, Sandman, Terry Funk, the Big Show, Lashley, Edge, and a bunch of other of the big stars on all three rosters. You know, the ones who aren’t injured at the moment. Keep it posted here all night as I promise you, this show will be better then the disaster that was Saturday Night Main Event a few months back.
We start things with Foley rallying the WWE troops. The same is done with Paul Heyman and the ECW troops. This should be an absolute blast! Huge pyro starts things off. We’re live from Dayton, Ohio with Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross representing WWE and the dream commentary team of Taz and Joey Styles. Taz threatens Jerry Lawler. The two have words and nearly slug it out right then and there. They are held back and things are starting up right now.

Rey Mysterio vs Rob Van Dam: Crazy flippie shit

Joey Styles says it’s a pleasure to work with Jim Ross. King and Taz are going at it. This is fantastic already. Both men shake hands to start things off. They flip around at each other and stare down. They go at it again. The crowd seems to be behind RVD. RVD catches Mysterio in a military press and immediately follows it up with a back flip on to Mysterio. Styles says he’s a wrestling commentator and he’ll call moves.

Rob acknowledges the fans and does an R-V-D chant before eating a drop kick. Mysterio goes for a 619 that RVD ducks. RVD tries to leap frog back into the ring but eats a drop kick and falls to the outside. Mysterio tries for a baseball slide and is caught. Rob drops Mysterio across the security barrier. RVD climbs up and misses a leg drop falling to the stands. Mysterio heads to the ring and OH MY GOD! Suicide dive over the top rope into the stands takes us to commercial.

We’re back and Mysterio is trying to float over for the bulldog. RVD holds on and drops him across the top rope. He then goes off the top with a side kick. RVD goes up top again and jumps. Massive guillotine leg drop by RVD. Wow, he is motivated tonight. Rob heads out for a chair and blasts Mysterio with a Van Damninator. RVD pops outside and grabs another chair Mysterio moves into the corner and here comes Rob with the chair he drops the chair and rolls through jumping to the top rope.

Mysterio catches him on the top. Huge bulldog on to the chair by Mysterio. 1-2-NO!! Rob kicks out. Mysterio heads to the apron and tries to drop the dime but comes up with nothing. Rob puts the chair on Mysterio and heads to the top. Mysterio moves the chair but is still hit with the Five Star Frog Splash! 1, 2, 3! Rob wins!

Winner: The Whole F’n Show

Best match Rob has had in years. The ECW locker room is cheering in the back. Rob helps Mysterio up and they shake hands. Aww. Rob rolls out and high fives Joey Styles as JR takes us back to Raw Monday where Angle was attacked by Randy Orton. He’s going to address that situation next.

We’re back and here comes your Olympic hero. As a nice touch, the ECW entrance is in the stands. Lillian introduces Kurt like he’s wrestling a match. Nice to see Haas gave her some brain damage. Kurt says he’s not angry about Orton’s attack on him. He’s happy about since two months ago, Kurt broke Orton’s ankle and it was the most satisfying ankle he’s ever broken. He’s happy Orton answered the call. At One Night Stand, Randy isn’t taking on Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle, or WWE Superstar Kurt Angle. He’s taking on ECW’s Kurt Angle and “ECW’s Kurt Angle doesn’t take shit.”

Randy Orton’s music (and the bleep) both miss the shit. Censors will love that. Randy compares Angle’s fall to an Oscar winning actor going on to do hardcore porn drawing big cheers from the audience. Orton says that ECW fans love their porn as it’s the closest thing they’ll ever come to having sex. Orton has apparently had his contract expire and now he’s on Raw. Well that’s just swell as Smackdown loses another superstar.

Kurt Angle says that Orton doesn’t quite understand what ECW Kurt Angle stands for. He doesn’t have to worry about holding back anymore. He’s not only going to break Orton’s ankle, but he’s going to break his arms, legs, and his neck. Orton will have to crawl out of the ballroom Sunday. Orton says he’s going to kill the legend of ECW this Sunday.

Later tonight, Tommy Dreamer will take on Edge in an Extreme rules match. Up next though, Mickie James against Jazz.

Mickie James vs Jazz: Easy on the eyes versus glass on the eyes

Taz and Joey celebrate Mickie’s puppies and ask Jerry if they’re doing it right. Hah, fantastic. They lock up to start and Mickie locks on a hammerlock. Jazz counters and slaps on a hammerlock of her own. Drop kick by Jazz and Mickie rolls to the outside. Jazz heads on the apron and lands a body press on her.

Mickie gets rolled back in. Jazz goes for a splash in the corner but misses. Jazz ducks a roundhouse by Mickie. Kick to the gut! Jazz Stinger but Mickie’s foot is on the rope. Jazz pulls Mickie up but gets poked in the eye. Mickie hits her impaler DDT to finish things up.

Winner: Mickie James

The best part of the night so far has been the fantastic commentary. If only Jerry Lawler could be this entertaining always. A short Sabu video is shown as we head into commercial.

We’re back and it’s Josh Matthews…err Todd Grisham err interchangable backstage beat reporter with John Cena. Massive boos for Cena. The last Raw was shown with the beat down that Cena takes. Cena talks about how history is on the line as the WWE title is up for the first time at an ECW event. Cena runs through a few of the previous holders of the title. If he loses, he’ll be the biggest goat in sports entertainment history. Cena also says that even if he wins, he’ll get his ass kicked from the riot that starts up. Cena won’t whine though. Tonight, he takes on Sabu and will beat the hell out of the “homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, dance recital sheik of the week”. Cena says he’s a fire breathing dragon. Sabu is very good at saving throws though so this could get interesting.

Back to ringside, it’s Paul Heyman with the hard sell of One Night Stand. He runs down the card and then shows a video package from last year’s One Night Stand. In the back, Angle leads the ECW troops in a chant. Meanwhile, the Big Show says that Kurt Angle is just out for himself. Big Show says that tonight they’re all WWE superstars, not Raw or Smackdown. They head down to the ring as the battle royal is next!

Welcome to hour two of the special. The battle royal is by team, not by single person. Just eliminate the other ten members and your team wins!

WWE Team (in order of announcement)
The Big Show
Randy Orton
Mark Henry
Shelton Benjamin
Matt Hardy (with an actual pop for some odd reason)
Bobby Lashley

ECW (coming out as a unit)
Little Guido
Kurt Angle
Tony Mamaluke
Tommy Dreamer
Terry Funk
Al Snow
Stevie Richards
Balls Mahoney
Justin Credible

Mark Henry is eliminated first by Kurt Angle and Little Guido. Matt Hardy gets dumped by Terry Funk. Big Show dumps Little Guido. Tommy Dreamer dumps everyone’s favorite Indian and the Sandman tosses out Carlito. Edge hasn’t even gotten in the ring yet as he pulls out someone, maybe Tony Mamaluke. Tommy Dreamer goes after him and gets dumped by Orton. Commercial break.

We’re back and Edge is still on the outside. He pulls down Terry Funk. Al Snow catches a roundhouse from Shelton and out he goes. Balls Mahoney gets dumped by Lashley who gets dumped by Angle. It looks like ECW is down to Angle and Sandman.

We’re back and we’re down to five on two. Kurt Angle and Sandman are the only ECW wrestlers left. Sandman gets dumped as does Shelton. It’s three on one with Edge hanging out taunting Joey Styles. Finlay attacks Angle eating a belly to belly. Randy Orton eats the same. Big Show goes for a choke slam, but Angle floats over. ANGLE SLAM!

Finlay and Angle are going at it now. Finlay gets dumped. Edge pops in and he’s going for a Spear. Here he comes, Angle dodges and tosses him over the top! Out of no where here comes Orton. He dumps Angle! It’s over!

Winners: WWE (Orton and Big Show)

Orton taunts Angle on the outside. Big Show tears off his shirt AND DEFECTS! Chokeslam to Orton. Orton gets dumped! ECW wins!

Winners: ECW (Big Show)

Awesome, awesome turn. That takes us to commercial as Angle and Big Show celebrate.

We’re back and a certain IP writer who wishes to remain nameless (correction, Steve Murray wants you to know its him) said: “Have we ever seen someone turn in the middle of a battle royal before?” before the match. Of course, he predicted that Hardy would turn so his props are minimum.

Edge vs Tommy Dreamer: Hardcore rules match

Good god, Lita looks hot as hell tonight. Before the match though, Edge has a little tribute to Mick Foley. He plays Foley’s ECW interview where he says the fans talk about them chanting “he’s hardcore” and how they wouldn’t even piss on you if you were on fire. Foley doesn’t say anything. Dreamer comes down and knocks the chair out of Edge’s hands.

This is quite the garbage match only matched with the absolutely brutal verbal sparring. This commentary is the best in years. Dreamer misses with the 2 by 4 only to toss Edge over the steel steps. He uses a sign on Edge who reciprocates the blow. Edge tries to drop Dreamer across a garbage can. Dreamer counters with a nice swinging neck breaker.

Edge gets tossed into the ropes and counters with a drop toe hold on to a chair. Edge then uses an Edgecutioner on the garbage can. Edge covers for two. Edge tosses Dreamer into the corner but gets reversed. He tries to leap frog Dreamer but Dreamer kicks him right in the nuts. Dreamer sets Edge up in a tree of woe and stands on his nuts and follows with a drop kick to the face with a chair. He and Funk bring a table in.

Tommy sets up Edge on the top to try and superplex him through the table but Lita counters with a kendo stick shot. Funk grabs her and Foley starts to choke out Funk with barbed wire. Yikes! Edge tries to through Dreamer through the table, but gets back dropped off the ropes hitting his head on the corner of it. Ouch.

Tommy goes for a Dreamer Driver through the table. 1, 2, Kendo stick shot from Lita! Dreamer no sells it and takes three more before catching it. He goes for a power bomb on Lita but eats a spear. Damn. 1, 2, 3.

Winner: Edge

On the outside, Funk fights off Foley barbed wire and all. Edge gets dumped too as we head to”¦. a See No Evil piece. Lame, lame, lame.

We’re back and Foley is in the ring. Foley is sitting in the ring rocking back and forth bloodied. He says how can they call him a whore. How dare they he says? He says he loved ECW, but it was like a lover who hurt him so badly only whenever he sees her, he feels sick. Foley is on the verge of tears in the rings.

He talked about how he is a whore and how he’s the same as Tommy Dreamer only he pulled a sock out of his pants. He watched his and Edge’s match from Wrestlemania thinking it might not be the best hardcore match ever. He says how Tommy Dreamer is just as tough as him and he may be even tougher because he has more heart. Foley says that Funk’s slaps hurt more then most guys punches and his punches give concussions.

In Japan, Foley blew up Funk and Funk put his arm around him. Funk wakes up in more pain then most people could possibly dream of and he does it looking for one more great match. He doesn’t want Funk’s arm around him anymore. He had the courage to go to the WWE and succeed where Tommy Dreamer didn’t. This Sunday, Foley is going to rip the heart out of the whore that is ECW and stomp on it by destroying their heroes. Have a nice day.

Wow”¦just wow. JR says the typical, I wouldn’t be surprised if this will be the last match of one if not all of these men’s careers. Jerry starts to say something but Taz gets right on his ass. Jerry and Taz talk some smack before Jerry takes off his headphones and asks Taz to do the same thing. Taz waits and does. He tosses a huge right flooring Jerry. Jerry gets up and does the same staggering Taz. It’s on. They rumble for a good three minutes before the refs pull them apart. Awesome.

We’re back and there’s a few officials between the two announcing crews. Taz and Lawler jaw back and forth before we go into a promo between the title match coming this Sunday. Time for the main event.

John Cena vs Sabu:

They start out exchanging blows with Cena getting an earlier advantage. Cena drops an elbow for two hammering away afterwards. Cradle suplex gets two. Cena tosses Sabu into the ropes but gets his head kicked. Sabu hits the rope and gets a belly to belly slam. Cena works over Sabu in the corner until Cena catches a shot in the family jewels. Sabu uses a senton somersault on to Cena to the outside. Cena has a chair tossed on his face and it’s time for Sabu to start flying.

Triple jump moonsault gets two. Sabu sets Cena up in the corner and hops on the chair. He follows it up with an Arabian facebuster. Cena gets dumped to the outside and eats the steps. Cena is set up on the WWE announcer table and eats another Arabian facebuster sans chair. The action moves back inside and Sabu tries for a splash in the corner. Cena catches him. FU. STFU! Sabu’s stuck, but here comes the Big Show. Clusterf*ck ends the show as everyone hits the ring.

Winner: No Contest

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope your VCR was running or your Tivo was Tivoing. This was the absolute best show on free tv since Nitro went off the air. This was a fantastic, fantastic show. RVD/Rey was a great match, Cena/Sabu was decent, and the battle royal had a great mark out moment. Coupled with what might be Foley’s best promo ever in the wrestling, let alone the WWE. This was an excellent, excellent show. See it by any means necessary.