[JunkNewsflash!] Special Tribute RAW Next Week

In light of his recent death, next week’s Raw will be a two hour and five minute tribute show dedicated to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

“He was a great man,” said Vince McMahon. “We’ve been to Iraq several times now and no one has ever blown me or one of my animals (wrestlers[superstars])up. I attribute this to my good friend, Abu Musab al Zarqawi.”

“He was da numba one memba of da Chain Gang,” said John Cena, who proceeded to pull out a forty. He opened it up and took a drink. “Dis is fo my homey, al-ZarqaWI!” I informed Cena he was supposed to pour it on the ground, but Cena looked at me all confused like.

“al-Zarqawi, or A.Z. as he liked me to call him, was a real friend to me at this point in my life,” said Shawn Michaels. “Whenever I was tempted by drink or female flesh, I’d give A.Z. a call and we’d talk about remaining true to God’s plan for us. I might not agree with his methods, but I agree one hundred percent with his stance on homosexuals.”

Matt Striker is planning a 15 minute segment during which he teaches the audience about al-Zarqawi: The Leader, The Lover, The Man. The Divas will be having a burka match. The main event will be HHH vs. a one night only returning Goldberg.

“They offered me a hundred thousand dollars to show up this Monday and, how did they put it, ‘Play the heel by Jewing it up’,” said Goldberg. “Of course I said no at first, but then they told me it was for al-Zarqaqi. I’ve hung out with the dude a couple of times so I accepted the offer. I think it’s odd that I’m going up against Hunter. With his nose, who’s going to know who the Jew is supposed to be?”

We tried to reach multi-millionaire and future world champion Umaga for comment, but he has been crying in his hotel room all day.

Insidepulse will have more details on this story as they become available to us.