InsidePULSE’s Full In-Depth Results for ECW One Night Stand

InsidePULSE’s ECW One Night Stand Coverage
Announcer: Joey Styles & Taz
06.11.06
By: Alexander Lucard

Yeah, I know. What is the Sub-Cultural icon doing covering a Wrestling PPV? Isn’t he the guy that writes about monsters and video games? Well yes, I am. But I also was born and raised in Philadelphia and weaned on ECW back from the early days when Jimmy Snucka was champion. Matt and Widro tried to get me to be the new ECW on Sci-Fi recapper, but I don’t have cable as I don’t watch TV, but as ONS is a live webcast I’ll be bringing you up to the minute coverage of the PPV.

Hammerstein Ballroom

Although ECW has put on many shows in this arena, it’s best know to long time wrestling fans as the original home of WWF Monday Night Raw. This 12,000 square foot structure is part of the Manhattan Center which I’ve noticed wrestling fans and commentators tend to interchange with each other.

The Manhattan Center was originally constructed in 1906 to serve as an Opera House for the less affluent natives of the New York area. Within four years they destroyed their primary competition, that of the Metropolitan Opera House and the Met actually offered the Manhattan Center $1.2 million dollars to stop doing any sort of opera shows for a decade. The owners of the Opera House accepted and from 1911 to 1922 the Manhattan Opera House served as the premiere source of Vaudevillian entertainment.

In 1922 the Opera House was sold to the Freemasons who built the Grand Ballroom in which tonight’s PPV will be taking place. The name of the building was officially changed to the Manhattan Center in 1940 and has remained one of the major venues for all sorts of entertainment ever since.

There. Now that I’ve given you a bit of history and lore about the arena, this will feel more like one of my usual columns. As we’ve got some time to kill, WWE.com gives you three bonus matches to watch. You get Tanaka/Awesome from last year’s One Night Stand, Bigelow/RVD where Van Dam wins the title, and the match we’ll take a look at in the meantime…

Bonus Matches

#1 Sabu vs. Taz 4/13/1997

This comes from the very first ECW PPV, “Barely Legal.” The back story here is that Taz and Sabu HATE each other. Taz spent the entire year before calling out Sabu, even appearing in a WWF audience carrying a sign saying “Sabu fears Taz.” It was amazing they were able to hold off the eventual match for a year in a day and age where angles generally last a month, maybe two at the max.

The footage begins with Taz being led in by his entourage and his then manager Bill Alphonzo. Sabu leaps into the ring before his music even gets to start and is held off by the referee so introductions can occur. Oddly enough, Taz and Sabu get a lukewarm reaction during the introductions. Very subdued crowd, although it could simply be the audio of ECW at the time.

We get a thirty second to a minute stand off and the crowd finally starts getting into the drama clapping for both men. Both men start exchanging bitch slaps which then turn into punches and Taz hits a short-arm running clothesline and Sabu flees the ring for a bit.

Sabu enters. Taz goes for an Irish whip, Sabu reverses it, but Taz tries to lock in the tazmission when Sabu goes for a drop down. Sabu blocks it and Styles FREAKS that the tazmission could possibly be blocked. Sabu with an armlock which then becomes a series of very nice elementary chain wrestling for twenty eight seconds that ends with Taz hitting a drop toehold into a grapevine leg/anklelock. Light fan clapping.

Sabu is kept in the grapevine for about a minute then the hold is broken. Sabu goes for a leg takedown. Taz shuts him off and dares him to try again. Sabu does like an idiot and gets trapped into a Greco-roman crossface where Taz unleashes a series of stiff right hands that breaks Sabu’s nose at about the six minute mark. Leg Scissors by Taz and more fists to the nose.

Taz sees the blood and poses to the fans which allows Sabu to get out of the ring and shake out the cobwebs. Sabu comes back in, hits two moves and then Taz goes to the outside. Sabu dumps Taz over the guard rail and we get an “Air Sabu” into the crowd. ECW chant.

There’s some brawling in the crowd while fans take the opportunity to make jackasses of themselves while on camera. Typical ECW outside the ring brawling for several minutes. Highlights include an “Air Sabu” attempt that Sabu blows and he lands ribs first onto the guard rail.

Taz rolls Sabu back into the ring. We get some punches, a drop toehold and a bow and arrow submission is applied until Taz gets bored and decided to land yet more fists into Sabu’s cranium. We get some right hands exchanged and then a neck scissors/armbar combination by Taz. Sabu gets to the ropes. Taz grabs a leg and Sabu hits an enziguri to change the momentum of the match. Second rope springboard senton by Sabu and then some breath catching for both men. Sabu grabs a chair, throws it in Taz’s face. Sabu hits one “Air Sabu,” but misses the second. Taz picks him up and hits a stun gun (remember that move kids?), driving Sabu’s neck into the top of the chair. 2 count and we have our first cover at the 12:30 mark.

Taz has control of the match for the next minute with a lot of pauses and some pretty low impact moves. Eventually Sabu grabs Taz’s singlet and pushes him out of the ring. Sabu misses a triple jump moonsault and Tax hits an overhead belly to belly suplex, sending Sabu over the guard rail. Both men are pretty blown up at this point and spend a minute huffing and puffing until Taz rolls Sabu back in the ring.

Taz tries to get a table put in the ring. Sabu with a kidney punch and my god…Taz rolls back outside with Sabu following. Sabu puts Taz on the table. Stops an “Air Sabu” attempt in time. Taz goes for a Northern Lights Release Suplex on the table which Sabu tries to reverse into a tornado DDT. Taz grabs the nearby ropes, and Sabu merely manages to put HIMSELF through the table.

More sitting around doing nothing. Taz comes out of the ring after what feels like forever, lands one punch and f*cks up his left arm as he ends up holding his shoulder and bicep after landing it. Chopfest occurs with requisite “whoos!”

Action goes back into the ring. Weak punches are exchanged. Sabu end up holding his nose and Taz ends up holding his shoulder. Crowd is pretty dead at this point. We get a brawling exchange that finally ends with Sabu getting the upper hand culminating with a top rope head hurricanrana but only gets a two count. Sabu goes up again, hits a top rope legdrop from the other side of the ring, but appears to have hurt himself more than Taz. Styles crows about the elevation, but this is the 6-7th long pause in the match at the 18 minute mark. Fans start a decent Sabu chant as Taz rolls outside.

More outside brawling. Both men get back in the ring and eventually Taz drops Sabu headfirst with a cobra clutch suplex. Front chassis suplex (which Styles erroneous calls a “headlock suplex.” Sabu reverses’ Taz’s attempt at a T bone and then for some stupid reason mocks Taz’ trademark pose while Taz no sells the T-bone. Sabu turns around, Taz with a running clothesline, but Sabu ducks and…HITS THE TAZMISSION? Taz escapes and hits a belly to back suplex. Follows up with a T-bone suplex and Taz then locks on the tazmission. Sabu’s in the move for less than half a minute and the ref drops his arm three times for the choke out win at 20:36. Fans clap, but seem pretty apathetic towards the decision and you can even hear one booing.

Lucard’s thoughts: This was supposed to be the big match for Barely Legal 9 years ago with almost ALL the hype plugged into this feud. However, most fans at the time expected Sabu to go over here and you can tell by the crowd’s reaction throughout the match and after the bell rings. It was pretty low key, and on rewatching this match almost a decade after I saw it live, my reaction is still pretty much the same: underwhelming. Too many pauses, no real impact and the match just ends without any drama or story being told, with both men relying on the fans simply accepting their unmitigated hate for each other to carry the match. 5/10 as it was average in all way across the board.

After the match Taz gets the mike and says Sabu gave him his toughest match ever and offers him respect. Taz offers his hand and this gets a louder reaction from the crowd than anything done in the actual match. Sabu shakes it and then raises Taz’s arm. They hug and RVD rushes to the ring and suckerpunches Taz. From here we get the eventually turn on Taz by Alphonzo and the forming of the RVD/Sabu tag team. The post match beatdown of Taz gets an even louder reaction than the handshaking, thus showing the true nature of my fellow Philadelphians. I have to admit, RVD & Sabu kicking Taz’s ass was more appealing to me than the previous match as well.

Hopefully this gave you grappling addicts something to read while waiting for the PPV to start.

Free For All

Not much to say here except I think they’ve played Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” about three dozen times. Dear god, does the WWE HATE their audience?

Everything else is your typical incessant pimping of the PPV with discussion of the angles and storylines coming to a climax here tonight. You can watch Free For All by going to wwe.com. It’s free and hype-arific!

Opening

And we are live. Camera pans through the crowd with a massive ECW chant throughout the Manhattan Center. MUCH better production values than ECW used to have.

The theme music starts and here comes Paul Heyman to a huge ovation.

On behalf of every wrestler who wanted to be hardcore more than they wanted to be a superstar. On behalf of everyone who lived the dream, fought the fight and never gave up hope…the tribe of the EXTREME has risen AGAIN!”

Awww. He’s holding back tears.

Heyman promises this time a global audience with witness a new ECW. “Thank you Paul E!” Chant. Paul brings up the new Sci-Fi channel show for ECW and bashes TNN nicely at the same time.

“This didn’t happen because of Paul Heyman. This didn’t happen because of Vince McMahon (boos). This happened because of you. My god, if the phrase “back by popular demand ever rang true…”

Paul says “thank you” about a zillion times. Paul then says this will be better than Monday Night Raw and the crowd seems to agree. “Welcome to the rebirth of E! C! W!” The crowd my friends, is rabid, and it’s almost like it’s 1996 again.

Cut to the old school ECW TV show opening.

We’re back and Joey Styles is announcing solo.

Taz vs. Lawler

Interesting choice to start of the card. Gone is Tazz’s music from WWE. Welcome to TAZ’s music. He’s back to being referred to as “The Human Suplex Machine.” No singlet though. Taz is in a baseball jersey and pants.

“The Great Gate of Kiev” plays and out comes Lawler. Light boos, but far less than you’d expect. Younger fans may not know Lawler is a multiple time USWA champion as well as USWA and AWA champion. Lawler walks over to Styles and when Styles stands up, he decks him! That’s some easy heel heat folks!

Lawler back in the later 1970’s and early 1980’s was widely considered one of the most hardcore wrestlers of all time. His feuds with randy Savage and Eddie Gilbert were amazing.

Styles runs into the ring. Lawler decks him, goes for the piledriver, but Tax from behind and TAZMISSION! Lawler’s in the hold for thirty seconds and he is CHOKED OUT!

WINNER: TAZ!

Thoughts: Disappointing it was a squash. I’d have loved to have seen both men have an actual MATCH.

Recap of ECW vs WWE from Weds. Night. They cover the battle royal and the eventually turn by Big Show. Switch to coverage of Sabu/Cena.

Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle

Taz joins Styles in the announce booth. Orton comes out to absolutely NO crowd reaction. As Taz says “Orton looks out of place here.” The man can’t even draw X-Pac heat here.

Orton gets typical WWE superstar pyro and the announcer’s poo-poo this as does part of the audience.

Angle is introduced, and he’s got a remixed version of his WWE music. Fans have a great reaction for him and Kurt has an “ECW” mouthpiece in.

Orton hesitates entering the ring. A “Fuck ’em up Angle” chant starts the match off. Orton begs off an initial lock up and leaves the ring. “Pussy” chant.

Lock up. Angle goes for the anklelock early. Orton is almost in it, but manages to get to the ropes and he runs from the ring again. “Break his ankle” chant.

Angle with a side headlock (“Fuck you Orton chant”). Orton gets to a vertical base, but Angle knocks him back down. This is a very Greco-roman stylized match here. More “Fuck you Orton” chants.

Orton out of the headlock and he leaves the ring AGAIN. Louder boos and another “Pussy” chant. Orton gets back into the ring. Angle with a Suplex into a mounted crossface and then Angle hits some forearms and slaps. “You got bitchslapped.”

Angle with a series of freestyle grappling moves, but Orton gets to the ropes. Angle offers his head to Orton for a headlock. Orton takes it and Angles escapes easily. He lets Orton try again and Angle suckers him in by reversing it into a belly to back suplex.

Angle goes for an Irish whip, but Orton ducks and he drives his shoulder into the ring post. Orton with some low key brawling. “Fuck ’em up Angle” chant again, as the fans want BLOOD. Angle eventually turns things around with a massive double leg takedown into a modified standing spinebuster. Orton gets back on top though. Some more slow brawling. “You can’t wrestle” chant. Take note Vince.

Angle reverses the momentum with an inverted full nelson into a body scissors/crucifix. Orton escapes by biting and elbowing him in the nose. Orton puts on a reverse choke and the fans boo. “Boring” chant. Angles hand drops twice but stays up the third time. Series of reversals of a German suplex that Kurt finally wins, sending Orton halfway across the ring. Both men down.

They get up and start brawling. Angle gets behind and hits three consecutive German suplexes followed by the Angle slam which Orton reverses into an arm drag.

“Fuck you Orton” chant is met up by a massive belly to belly by Angle and then an Angle Slam. Orton kicks out at 2.5. And there’s the anklelock while the fans chant “Break his ankle!” Orton counters and hits a neckbreaker. Only a two count.

Orton goes for an RKO, but Angle shoves him off into the corner. Angle charges in but gets an elbow. “You suck dick” chant.

Orton with a flying body press which Angle turns into a small package for 2. Orton gets up and hits a massive lariat. Fans clap for that entire exchange. Orton goes for the RKO, Angle into the anklelock, Orton reverses it into a Sunset flip. Gets a 2.999 count but Angle reverses it BACK INTO THE ANKLELOCK. Orton wastes no time tapping out and high tails it out of the ring.

WINNER – Kurt Angle!

Thoughts: Good match overall. Orton wasn’t squashed per say here, but he was made to look like Kurt’s bitch.

Ref helps Orton to his feet after the match while the fans give him a “You tapped out” chant. It takes a second ref to drag Orton to the back and they are implying the ankle is re-broken. Fans chant “Pussy!” one last time, and we break for a commercial for the ECW live events.

FBI vs. Tajiri and Super Crazy

FBI is Tony Mamaluke and Little Guido with Big Guido as their manager/bodyguard/whatever. Tajiri and Super Crazy come out together. No sign of the Mexi-cools gimmick.

Tajiri gets a HUGE “Welcome back!” chant. Crazy and Mamaluke start off. Styles says this is Crazy and Tajiri’s first time teaming together. Beautiful chain wrestling by Tony and Super Crazy while the fans chant for Tajiri. Great to see him getting respect.

Styles: “It’s ECW. We don’t put Mexicans on a lawnmower.”

Chain wrestling continues with neither side getting a real advantage. Eventually Mamaluke puts on a short arm scissors, but Super crazy gets to his feet with the scissors still applied and he slams him to the mat. Mamaluke tags in Guido and Tajiri is tagged in as well. HUGE ECW chant. My they love their Tajiri in NY.

Tajiri with several strong kicks. He then goes for a tilt a whirl backbreaker, but Guido reverses it into a Fujiwara armbar. Guido turns the armbar into a wristlock. Tajiri gets to his feet and reverses it into a single leg reverse crab. Tajiri with a tree of woe Mamaluke goes to stop it but Crazy catches him and puts him into a Tree of woe on the opposite site of the ring. Both FBI are hit with baseball slides.

Super Crazy and Guido are your legal men. Mamaluke saves Guido from the moonsault by dragging him out, but Crazy follows them and takes them both out with an Asai moonsault.

Big Guido blindsides Crazy and then tears SC apart while the FBI distracts Tajiri and the ref. Mamaluke tagged in. Crazy reverses his Irish whip into a modified flap jack. Mamaluke gets back in control and hits a camel clutch. Guido comes in and dropkicks Crazy while in the clutch. Tajiri comes in and levels Guido with a massive kick.

Ref restores order. Another flapjack by Super Crazy and a tag to Tajiri! Several kicks by Tajiri then a spinning heel kick and a cover that only gets two. Submissions hold by Tajiri broken up by Guido. Tajiri with a handspring elbow on Guido and both of the FBI are down.

All four men in the ring. DUAL TARANTULAS!

Big Guido into the ring but Tajiri and Super Crazy chop him down with kicks and a dropkick. Big Guido out of the ring, but the two legal FBI members take out Crazy. Two on 1 situation against Tajiri. Double Fisherman’s buster by the FBI on Tajiri and the match is OVER.

Winners – THE FBI (Tony Mamaluke and Little Guido)

New music for the Big Show who comes out and has a staredown with Big Guido. Wait no. It’s Big Show vs ALL FIVE MEN. He takes out Big Guido then hits a massive knee lift on Tajiri. Cobra Clutch backbreaker on Mamaluke! The ring is cleared and we have just seen the “new extreme” Big Show.

Commercial for ECW on Sci-Fi.

Thoughts: Really nice backbreaker by Big Show. Good tag match, if not memorable. Tajiri was massively over here.

Somehow Bradshaw is here in the balcony where he was last year. He has a mike and is runs down ECW to a very loud “You Suck Dick” chant. Bradshaw says there are no women in the audience and you’re talking about fellatio. Bradshaw brags about busting up Blue Meanie last year and how all the ECW fans whined on the internet. “Shut the f*ck up” chant. Bradshaw claims he’s the king of hardcore. Camera shot shows Mysterio behind Bradshaw. Hmmm. Bradshaw then runs down Taz for leaving network TV for a channel watching primarily by Star Trek geeks. “Asshole” chant. JBL then announces he is the new color commentator for Smackdown.

I’m assuming Rey is with Bradshaw but not talking because it’s Smackdown solidarity, but still…that’s just going to get the fans even more behind Sabu.

World Championship: Rey Mysterio vs Sabu

Hukka Blues plays and Sabu comes to the ring first. No Bill Alphonzo. Hey, where’s Joel “So big, he’s hurtin’ her” Gertner for that matter? Small chant for Sabu. Much quieter than I expected. Still it’s better than Rey who comes out to a mixture of boos and handslaps.

Sabu has a chair while we get the wrestlers introduced. Fans chant along with the “Homicidal, suicidal, genocidal” schtick. Rey gets announced and is booed strongly.

Now both men are starting off with chairs. “Fuck ’em up Sabu” chant. BTW, we have a Smackdown ref. Chain wrestling to start the match. Both men smash chairs into each other and then chuck them at each other. Sabu with an Irish whip, jumps on the chair and AIR SABU! ECW chant. Sabu goes for the triple jump moonsault but Rey counters with a drop toe hold and Sabu goes into the chair. Rey Mysterio with a springboard from the chair into a hurricanrana.

Rey misses a 619. Sabu picks up a chair and levels Rey with it. Rey rolls to the floor. Sabu goes under the ring and we have a table! Table is set up between guard rail and ring apron. Rey on the table. Sabu goes for an Air Sabu, Rey rolls off and Sabu hits the guard rail. Sabu is holding his jaw. Rey rams Sabu’s forehead into the ring post.

Both men back in the ring. Rey with a moonsault. Rey goes for a spring board but Sabu ties him up in the ropes. Sabu with a guillotine legdrop. 2.5 count. Camel Clutch by Sabu. “Shiek” chant. Sabu leaves the ring and gets another table! Doesn’t do anything with it. Takes a chair. ARABIAN FACEBUSTER. Only a two count.

Sabu sets up the table on the floor. Rey dropkicks Sabu from the apron onto the table and then planchas off and sends Sabu through the table. “Holy Shit” chant.

Styles: We have our first fecal matter chant of the night.

Back in the ring. Springboard legdrop by Rey. Sabu is holding is throat and arm. Rey goes for an air sabu misses. Sabu with a springboard Senton. HUGE Sabu chant. Triple jump moonsault with the knees landing on Rey’s face. Kick out. Sabu misses atomic arabian facebuster. Rey sets Sabu in the chair. Goes for a springboard something but Sabu gets out of the chair and Rey lands dick first into the chair. Sabu with a MASSIVE chairshot. Rey is dead. Sabu puts rey on a table outside the ring. TRIPLE JUMP DDT! HOLY CTHULHU!

And of course we have a holy shit chant. Both men are dead. We have three men coming out and examining them both. One guy says “They’re both hurt. They can’t fight anymore.”

Bell rings and we have a loud angry “Bullshit!” chant.

Rey is being helped out by two people. He’s holding his ribs and is literally being dragged out. Four people are trying to help Sabu up but he pushes them off. Finally Sabu relents and lets two people help him up.

Winner – NO CONTEST

Thoughts: Totally a work and a really crappy cheap way to keep the title around Rey. Fans didn’t buy it for a second. Great match until the horrible letdown of an ending and Sabu was way over here tonight. That triple jump DDT was insane.

Video package for the Hardcore tag match.

Dreamer & Funk vs Edge and Mick Foley.

Mick Foley comes out to boos and he’s wearing a Cactus Jack t-shirt. Mick’s eye is really bruised up from Weds night. Mick on the mike. He admits to selling out -selling out Madison Square Garden. Fans boo. Foley talks about when he loved ECW, he respected ECW and how it was at its peak when Stephanie McMahon owned it. HUGE boos. “Long live the Alliance.”

Foley introduces Edge and Lita. They come out to almost no reaction from the crowd at all. Edge on the mike. Edge babbles about how this is ECW’s Christmas except their Santa is fat, bald, Jewish and bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Edge mocks the IWC and how they masturbate to Lita pics. His attempt for cheap heat gets very little reaction.

Lita on the mike. Calls Dreamer the “Innovator of Silence.” Lita getting a “You’re a crack whore” chant. Lita called Beullah a skank. “Shut the f*ck up” chant.

Funk and Dreamer come out to a small pop that grows when Beullah McGillicutty is announced. Fans are cheering and chanting ECW now. Oh god, Beullah has a mike. She says that she can’t believe the trash coming out of Lita’s mouth is not as bad as what she usually puts in it. Beullah gets a massive reaction for her mike skills. Whod’ve thought?

Beullah wants it to be a six man tag match and Lita accepts. “Fuck her up Beullah!” chant. Edge and Dreamer start it off. “Tommy Dreamer!” chant. Dreamer with a shoulderblock and a side headlock. Edge tags in Foley. Foley wants Funk and the fans are cheering like hell for him. Funk in.

Funk beats the shit out of Foley with a series of fists. Foley tries to leave the ring and the match. Everyone ends up going outside after Edge blindsides funk.

Foley getting punched out by Funk on the outside. Dreamer throws various foreign objects into the ring after leveling Edge. Edge hit with a trash can while FUnk uses a cookie sheet on Foley. Dreamer with a baseball slide into the trash can into the face of Foley. Just a lot of garbage brawling.

WWE gets the momentum. Foley dumps Funk over the Guard rail. Brawling occurs. ECW chant. Edge with a ladder in the ring and drives it into Dreamer’s face. Edge with a spear, but Dreamer reverses it into a hiptoss into the ladder. Funk and Foley still brawling outside.

Everyone’s back in the ring now. Funk has the ladder! Nails everyone and almost levels Dreamer too! Dreamer and Funk have the ladder and Foley to themselves. Funk on top of the ladder. Edge jumps up and pushes the ladder over. Everyone is down but Edge. And the girls. The girls haven’t done anything.

Dreamer and Edge brawl. Dreamer comes out on top. Dreamer goes for a Spicolli driver, but Lita comes in with a low blow. Edge and Foley go under the ring for a table. Then they go back under…and get a BARB WIRE TABLE (no legs). The drop the table on Dreamer. They pull the table off him and Dreamer leaves some skin and hair. They try again, but Funk comes in and drives the table into Foley. Dreamer has the legless table and the fans cry out for FIRE. Table set in the corner. Dreamer and Funk Irish whip Foley into the barb wire table. Lots of punches to Mick and then he’s rammed back in.

Edge pulls dreamer out of the ring and atomic drops him on the guard rail. “This is Awesome” chant. Foley hits Funk with the barb wire table. Edge is bleeding. Lita hands Foley more barbed wire. Foley wraps it around his arm. Foley punches him. Terry is wrapped up in the barbed wire from the table and he’s bleeding from everywhere. Funk is swearing loudly here.

“You sick f*ck” chant. Funk is screaming he has wire that pierced his eye. medics stopped the match and they’re dragging Funk out.

2 on 1 here and the fans are chanting “We want Sandman!”

Foley has a barbed wire baseball bat and nails Dreamer with it. Both Edge and Foley grab one of Dreamers legs and but the bat on his groin. Lita with a legdrop to the dick. Foley pulls out Mr. Socko and the crowd boos. Manidble claw on Beullah! Dreamer gets up and jumps foley. But it’s 3 on 2 and Edge and Lita attack Dreamer. Manidble sock on Dreamer and Edge spears him with while in the submission hold.

Dreamer is out and all three WWE guys decide to attack Beullah. Edge with a pumphandle and they taunt Lita, but out comes Funk with his eye and forehead bandaged up and he has a 2x 4 in barbed wire.

Edge and Foley are distracted and Dreamer hits a low blow on both. Funk with a series of blows with the 2×4 on Foley’s back and ribs. Funk is with Beullah and they light the 2×4 on fire. Funk levels Foley with it several times and finally propels him through the barb wire table. ECW chant! Edge pushes Funk off the ring apron into Foley and the barb wire.

Edge turns around and gets a DDT. Dreamer with an STF and wraps his arms in barb wire while doing it. Lita saves Edge. Beullah spears Lita and we have a catfight and ECW chant.

Dreamer grabs Lita…SPICOLLI DRIVER! Edge from behind with an Edge-u-cution on barb wire. Edge then levels Beullah with a spear and pins Beullah after putting her in an interesting position. 1-2-3. Match is over.

Winners: Edge and Mick Foley

Foley and Funk certainly bled a lot and as soon as they announced the girls would be legal wrestlers, you knew Beullah would be pinned. The crowd is NOT happy with the ending. The WWE three limp to the back and Funk is still tangled up in the barbed wire and can’t free himself. Dreamer cradles Beullah in his arms and the fans chant ECW for him. Funk is begging for Dreamer to get him out and he needs clippers to free Funk.

Terry is finally freed and the ECW trio leave together. Cut to commercial for the Sci-fi channel.

Clip of Cena showed and the fans boo him instantly. Clip of RVD shown warming up and the fans cheer loudly for him.

Balls Mahoney vs Masato Tanaka

Balls comes out to a pretty good ovation and a “Balls” chant. Some of you may remember Balls and Tanaka held the ECW tag team titles together for five days, beating and then losing to the Dudleys. I wonder if Styles will mention it. Tanaka comes out, and to my surprise, gets a much quiter ovation.

Tanaka has hils shoulder taped up as always and the fans finally give him some sort of reaction, but it fades into a Balls chant. Tanaka takes control immediately and hits some high impact moves. Balls comes out of nowhere with an inverted Powerslam. Gets a two count and starts punching away on Tanaka.

Balls falls out of the ring. Tanaka with a plancha. Balls to his feet first. Brawling on the floor. Balls gets a beer from a fan, drinks some and smashes Tanaka in the face. More brawling on the floor. Balls rolls Tanaka into the ring and throws a chair in to boot. Tanaka gets him coming in and hits a superplex. 2 Count. Tanaka goes up, but Balls catches him and hits a superplex of his own. 2 count.

Both men get chairs. Dueling chairs, but then Tanaka with a kick to the midsection. Tanaka goes for a chair shot but he misses and Balls KILLS Tanaka with a chair. The chair is literally a hair away from being broken in half. 1-2-3. Yeah, it’s done.

Winner – BALLS MAHONEY

Taz and Styles talk about the Money in the bank match. We get a promo for the match. It’s only 9pm CST. Are they really going to give us an HOUR for this match?

John Cena vs Rob Van Dam

Eugene comes out while the ring announcer declares the match. Eugene grabs the mike. Eugene says “I love ECW.” Fans are booing him. Eugene brings up Eric Bischoff and well…boos occur. Eugene calls himself hardcore. MORE boos. “Are you saying Boo? or U? as in Eugene?” If only he had said “Are you saying Boo or Boo-urns?” Eugene reads a poem that would make Lanny Poffo weep. Anyone else smelling a heel turn by Eugene where he reveals he’s not a retard? “Shut the f*ck up!” chant by the fans.

Oh dear christ in heaven. It’s the Sandman. Sadly there’s no Metallica. But the fans don’t care as Sandman goes through the crowd with beer and cane in tow. He’s already busted open by the time he gets to the ring. Oh please cane the retard. Please please please Sandman.

Sandman is in the ring and Eugene is still there. Eugene is so excited to see Sandman and…WE GET A CANE TO THE HEAD! Again! Again! Again! Eugene hightails it out and Sandman follows, continuing to cane him!

Eugene begs for mercy. Fans boo and Sandman is murdering him with the cane.

Styles: Run Forrest, run!

Not really a match as it was just Sandman caning Eugene for about three minutes. However, it brought a smile to my face and that’s all that matters. Sandman drinks a beer and leaves. Cut to promo for Sci-Fi ECW.

WWE Championship – John Cena vs Rob Van Dam…this time for real

RVD comes out first. BIG OVATION. Styles runs down RVD’s six IC title reigns and his 23 month TV title reign. RVD is still using his WWE music though.

“RVD!” chant after his music stops. Dear god, if Cena wins the Manhattan center will be set on fire.

Cena’s music plays and the boos occur instantly. They’re just a hair quiter than his theme music. The cameras are keeping off Cena’s face and you can tell he’s having a hard time with the boos. Cena tries to pose for the fans and is greeted by a lot of middle fingers.

Ring announcer reads the tale of the tape. RVD and Cena get their expected reactions. BIG ECW chant. Cena is shadow boxing. Oh god. Cena threw his shirt to the crowd and they threw it back! HAHAHAHAHA! Cena is pissed. He throws it again. They throw it back! A third time the entire saga is played back. Finally a fourth time someone keeps it and the fans rag him until it is thrown back! Cena is pissed. ECW chant. This is actually quite hilarious.

RVD gives the RVD thumbs to a loud cheer. Someone throws a roll of toilet paper at Cena. Bell rings. Cena untangles himself form the TP and we have a lockup. RVD backed into a corner while the crowd rides Cena. Cena with a fist to the midsection. Irish whip and a cradle suplex to a “You can’t wrestle” chant. Cena with a shoulderblock and he’s getting booed. RVD misses an enziguri but then hits a reverse one and the fans cheer like he just won the title. Cena goes outside and comes back in to beat the count.

Face to face smack talking. Fists exchanges. Cena punches the fans yell boo. RVD hits they yell “YEAH!” All in synch. It’s crazy. RVD gets the dupe and knocks Cena down. Cena with a clothesline knocking RVD to the floor. “SAME OLD SHIT” chant to Cena. Cena responds by trying for a flying axhandle from the top to the foor but he f*cks up and misses, but they sell it as if his forearm hit RVD’s thigh. Small “You f*cked up” chant.

Table set up. Cena puts RVD’s face into it. “Overrated” chant. RVD with a spring board moonsault off the ring steps while Cena is distracted by the fans. “RVD” chant. RVD with a chair. Cena punches him before RVD can use it. Whip to the guard rail but Cena meets RVD’s boot. Brawling and RVD misses a high risk move.

Brawling into the crowd. Cena rubs RVD’s face in a sign reading “Fuck you Cena.” Cena throws RVD back over the guard rail. Cena gets caught coming over the guard rail and then RVD with a corkscrew legdrop from the ring apron onto the straddled Cena.

RVD back in the ring. Cena in too. Springboard Guillotine legdrop to the outside by RVD. RVD back in the ring with a chair. Cena in the corner. Running low dropkick to the face of Cena with the chair by RVD. Near fall, but Cena kicks out. Corkscrew legdrop and then Rolling Thunder on the steer chair! 2.5 count.

Falling slam by RVD. RVD grabs the chair. He puts it on Cena. Split legged moonsault, but Cena raises his knees. Double Arm DDT on the chair by Cena. near fall. Fans are not happy. “You can’t wrestle” chant breaks out again.

Cena wedges the chair between the middle and top buckles. Irish whip and then Cena with a drop toehold into the chair. Near fall. Taz and Styles are trying to put over Cena big time to the home audience. “Cena sucks cock.” chant. Cena with a spinning back suplex variant. “Same old shit” chant again.

Cena with a “You can’t see me” to the fans and then a five knuckle shuffle. “Asshole” chant. F-U attempt but RVD reverses it with some kind of dropkick/spinning heel kick hybrid.

Cena punching away on RVD in the corner. Cena runs in, eats boot. RVD up top but Cena with an Urange from the top! Near fall. Taz continues to verbally fellatiate Cena. Ugh.

Cena f*cked up something and falls to the floor and the fans let him know. Cena on the apron. RVD with punches and then a dropkick. Cena falls head first on the guard rail. RVD brings a table in the ring while Cena recovers. RVD sets up the table, but RVD with a single leg takedown into the STFU in the middle of the ring. RVD crawls to the ropes while the fans chant his name. Cena refuses to break the hold. Fans boo. Ref pulls Cena off. Ref and Cena get into a fight. RVD goes up top. Cena nails the ref! Cena catches RVD and superplexes RVD off the top.

Cena throws the stairs into the ring while Taz says “I can’t believe Cena is this hardcore.” I offically hate Taz. Cena with steps to the face of RVD. Smackdown ref Nick Patrick in. 1,2, RVD kicks out.

Hmmm. Nick Patrick. Starrcade flashback anyone? Cena goes for an FU. RVD grabs the ropes and Cena chucks RVD out. A mystery guy comes in and spears Cena through the table set up earlier. He has a helmet on. He nails Nick Patrick. He takes the helmet off…IT’S EDGE! Fans chant Edge’s name! HA!

RVD hits the five star frog splash. No ref! RVD tries to wake up Patrick. Paul Heyman comes out and he’s acting as the ref. 1-2-3! of course Cena was down for like thirty seconds, so it’s rather like HHH/Booker T and their infamous Wrestlemania match.

The winner and NEW ECW CHAMPION…RVD!

Winner: ROB VAN DAM!

Fans are a bit underwhelmed how the match was won with RVD appearing to need help to win. Of course with Heyman acting as ref, we all know the title decision will be reversed tomorrow on RAW and the crowd knows it too. Even Cena and Taz are having a hard time selling RVD’s title win like it will last.

RVD celebrates in the crowd while the ECW roster hits the ring. I don’t see Edge in there though. So is Edge an ECW ship jumper or does he just really hate Cena that much? I guess that’s what RAW is for.

Overall a decent card. Nowhere as good as last year’s ONS. At no time was I really excited or deeply into the card. Just an average card with no real highs or lows.

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Have a good night folks!

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