Monday Morning Flasher

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Iain Burnside’s Anti-Nexus reviews, the only place on the Internet to read what Iain Burnside thinks of She-Hulk. Gail Kim nude photos later on.

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Newsflash! ECW Being Sued By Bowel Movement.

Following the premier of their one hour cable television show last week, ECW is being sued by 42-year old Kentucky resident Bill Ditherson’s bowel movement for defamation of character.

“I can’t rightly say I blame my poop,” said Mr. Ditherson. “I can understand if people really hated the show, maybe callin’ it an abortion or a disaster, but so many people just called it the S-word. Well, my poop feels that reflects poorly on the S-word.”

The ECW show featured a replay of the worst match of the night from the ECW PPV, a horrible promo between three people who have wrestled for the WWE for at least three years, the pushing of Big Show and Kurt Angle (who had never wrestled for ECW during its run), and the beloved hero, The Sandman, fighting a zombie. Also of note was a quick shot of a vampire wrestler. It is being universally hailed as one of the worst wrestling programs of all time, beating out an episode of Heat where Duke “The Dumpster” Drose fought three midgets in a one hour Ironman match.

“I may be just be waste product from Bill’s stomach, but I have my pride,” Mr. Ditherson’s bowel movement told me during an informal interview at a local strip club. “To call that show what I am is to call Canada America. They might smell the same to the untrained nose, but clearly only one has any merit. USA! USA! USA!”

Paul Heyman was not available for comment as he is busy being crushed by your expectations.

Insidepulse will have more on this story if time permits.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Gloomchen’s Totally True Tales, the music section’s most written column by a married former fatty. Gail Kim nude photos after this!

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Newsflash! Bra Baffles Idiot.

On last week’s ECW Tuesday night debut a new female employee named Kelly, neither a manager nor a wrestler, attempted to unhook her bra and reveal her breasts. Unfortunately, the intricate puzzle that is her bra hook left Kelly baffled.

After a painful struggle during which Kelly exhausted all of the knowledge she had acquired during her 38 years on this planet, Kelly surrendered to the bra hook and pushed her bra up. She then covered her nipples, rendering the battle of wits a moot point.

“Wrestling is harder than I thought it would be,” Kelly told me while undressing for her after show shower. “Hey, I need to take my bra off. You mind handing me that pair of scissors next to you?”

Kelly is said to be studying for tomorrow night’s show, where she will be asked to take off her socks without her usual aid of a welding torch.

Insidepulse will have more on this story in the coming weeks.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by the winner for best wrestling column of the past week Flea’s Saturday Evening Post, which was posted on Thursday. Gail Kim nude shortly!

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Newsflash! Chris Benoit Mows Lawn.

Chris Benoit has taken a sabbatical from the WWE in order to mow his lawn.

“You neglect a lot of things when you’re a traveling performer,” Chris Benoit explained to me. “Your kids, your wife, your very soul. But damn it, six years ago I swore to myself that I would mow this lawn, and I’m now going to mow this lawn!”

With that, Chris Benoit turned on his television and laid back on his couch. His wife Nancy entered from the kitchen with a pitcher of lemonade.

“Chrissy,” said Nancy, “I’ve got a nice cool drink for my big strong man who’s going to mow the lawn.”

“Great,” replied Chris. “That’ll really refresh me when I mow the lawn any minute now.”

“Christopher,” Nancy said with a disappointed tone, “You’ve been saying you’d mow the lawn for the past month. It’s a freaking jungle out there.”

“Jeez, woman,” Chris replied (We are unsure if he was calling Nancy Woman, her old WCW name, or calling her woman, as in: Hey, woman, get off your ass and make me some dinner). “Get off my back, okay? I’ll mow the lawn. I’m excited about it.”

“You’re excited about something? I’ll alert the media,” Nancy retorted.

Chris asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Nancy fumed, “All you do all day is sit around and watch tivoed episodes of Deal or No Deal! What kind of life is that?”

“The life I f*cking earned,” yelled Chris. “I helped make Kurt Angle, Triple H, Edge, John Cena, JBL and they even tried to make me create Orlando Jordan! I never claimed to be Christ Benoit, but I was the company work horse! Get out there, have a Chris Benoit match, give the guys who aren’t worthy to lick the shit from my ass some credibility, all so I can keep the kids in private school and you can sit on your butt and eat mini microwavable pizzas. So now I get to sit here on my time off and watch some damn game show and talk about mowing the lawn I never plan on mowing!”

“GO MOW THE FUCKING LAWN,” screamed Nancy.

“FINE! FINE! I’LL MOW THE FUCKING LAWN, BITCH!”

And Chris Benoit went outside and mowed his lawn. He paused several times to ask Nancy if she was happy now. Was she happy now? He was mowing the f*cking lawn.

Insidepulse will have the startling conclusion to this story as we get more information.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Cheap Heat by Matthew Michaels, filling in for Daniels who was too busy having sex with your mother to write his column. Stay tuned for Gail Kim nude!

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Newsflash! TNA Spoils Main Event Of Next Year’s Slammiversary.

After last night’s typical okay to pretty good TNA PPV, a major guffaw was committed when a pre-taped Global Impact promo revealed that Alex Shelley will win the King of the Mountain match at next year’s Slammiversary to become TNA champion.

“It’s a big surprise,” said Shelley. “I knew I was due for a push, but I never thought it would be a heavyweight champion push. I’m actually a little nervous about it. I’m a little more comfortable as a funny side player, you know?”

“We didn’t have a choice,” said Jeff Jarrett. “First Sting gets injured, then Christian Cage and Nash become best friends and head off to Japan to make movies, then Rhino’s checks bounce and he sues for his release. After Samoa Joe signs with the WWE in November and throws our world title in the garbage on RAW, we hold a tournament that I of course win, so Monty Brown gets frustrated and walks cause he insisted it was his turn. We lose the Truth and Brother Devon when they walk with Monty in solidarity. We try this whole X-Division United angle, trying to play off the release of the X-Men United DVD, and they go after me trying to save the World Title. Chris and AJ don’t want the belt, Sabin is, well, Sabin, and I wouldn’t trust Senshi if he had my dick in his mouth. So Shelley was really our only option, and I personally think he’ll do great.”

When asked about Raven or Abyss holding the world title Jarrett shushed me, telling me they did not know any of this yet as they did not have access to the telephone booth given to Jeff Jarrett by Rufus.

Insidepulse will have more on this story as it develops.

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Newsflash Newsbite! Batista Returns To Ring At House Show, Defeets Mark Henry.

Batista returned to the ring last night at a house show in Portland, Maine, teaming with Rey Mysterio to beat Booker T and defeet Mark Henry.

“HOLY CRAP, HE RIPPED MY FEET OFF,” screamed the newly amputated Henry. “BATISTA, WHAT THE HELL?”

Batista was too busy hugging Michael Cole to answer.

Insidepulse will have more on this story tomorrow night when we return from the Turkish Bathhouse.

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Newsflash! As promised, Gail Kim Nude!

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I’d now like to take this time to editorialize a bit. I’ve found recently that a good deal of people do not like the new Grut, they prefer the old Grut. People, we can’t go back in time. If I could, of course I would. I would go back and change everything. I’d kill Hitler and save Lincoln. The simple truth is that I will never have access to time travel, because if I did those things would have already been done. In fact, this proves that none of us will have access to time travel. I hope you understand.

May your week be as informative as reading this article was.