Hey all, Tom Pandich here. Did Vengeance just sneak up on you like it did me? I mean, yesterday was the TNA show, the week before was the ECW PPV, and now we’ve got Vengeance? Seriously mates, space it out a bit. Sure, you might be saying, “but Tom TNA and WWE aren’t the same company”. I’d agree with you, but the simple fact of the matter is that I’m wrestled out. Tonight’s recap is going to suck as is tonight’s show, Don’t bother reading, don’t bother watching. Instead, you should just listen to The Rabblecast instead as that is very entertaining.
In case you do care, DX is back together. Flair has a match with Edge. ECW is re-invading. Awesome. See you in a bit.
Ok, a quick run to the grocery store along with some rather significant snackage and I’m feeling quite a bit more chipper. Granted, this won’t be Rabble chipper but then again I don’t have booze or friends who I have convinced that wrestling can be entertaining (most likely with booze). Raw is live tonight from Rochester New York in case you’ve got some bizarre sort of office pool going on.
We start things off with Vince live. He’s getting some rather massive boos. He recaps the past two weeks and how he hasn’t gotten what he wanted. Uh oh. Vince is going to destroy Degeneration X tonight. Vince heads out to the ring but is stopped by some silly kid. The kid offers him a chicken. Vince doesn’t want a chicken. The man clarifies that it’s a cock and that Vince loves cocks.
Vince is pretty pissed. He keeps walking and is confronted by an alien, hah. Vince gives him a glare before walking on to be confronted by two sexy male strippers. They are here to “blow his mind” and out comes someone who looks like the Blue Meanie’s cousin squirting baby oil into the air. Ick.
Vince can’t get a proper strut going as he is confronted by the most absurd example yet! Why, it’s Dusty Rhodes promoting his American Dream DVD. Bionic elbow my ass. Vince continues his long walk and is confronted by yet another person asking for him to sign for a package. What’s in you ask? Why, it’s a Swedish Penis Enlarger! Vince is pissed and heads out to the front.
There is a staggering amount of DX signs out in the audience. It looks like a pirate map convention. Vince says he’s got two words for DX, “living hell”. He’s going to shove is size 12 foot up Triple H’s ass tonight as it’ll be the death of DX. Shane comes out interrupting Vince’s promo. He says that Steph is in labor. Vince hesitates before heading to the back. He’s met up by Coach and says that Coachman is in charge tonight. He also adds that “that bitch has the worst timing”. Yikes. Commercial.
We’re back and Torrie Wilson is doing a WWE magazine shoot. It’s in the style of “sexy backyard BBQ”! She squirts mustard all over a hot dog. Fantastic.
Bra and Panties Tag Team Match: Maria & Torrie Wilson vs Candice Michelle and Mickie James: One of these things is not like the other
Damn Maria is hot. JR: “I think Candice Michelle would make Clay Aiken go straight”. Mickie gets a rather large pop and looks retardly hot too! Thankfully, Candice and Torrie start things off saving the cream of the crop for last. Candice loses her shirt. She tags Mickie James in who rips off Torrie’s pants. Maria gets the tag and Marie gets dropped. Everyone’s clothes get torn off”¦ including Candice’s pants. Mickie flipped and she wins!
Winner: Mickie James
The clothing rip off continues! Mickie steals JR’s hat! She then grabs a fan and pulls her shirt off. That was cute and painless. DX promo for Vengeance takes us into commercial.
Slam of the week: Haas is horribly sorry. Viscera is horribly obese. This gives us a match!
Viscera vs Charlie Haas: WWE, Exploiting Accidents Since 1972
Viscera is pissed, but he’s going to give Charlie Haas a last chance to apologize to Lillian. Haas says he did apologize and Lillian accepted it. They even went out to dinner. Haas then says she accepted his apology over and over between “pillow talk”. Lillian acts shocked and the squash is on!
Haas gets utterly destroyed. He eats a sidewalk slam and all sorts of other offense. Vis hits his bump n grind splash and sets Haas up for his finisher. Look out Spirit Squad rush!
Winner: No Contest
The Spirit Squad takes out both Haas and Viscera doing their Spirit toss thing on Viscera. The Spirit Squad wants to take out DX RIGHT NOW! In the back, it’s Shawn and Hunter! Shawn is flipping out about how it’s two on five and how they’re going to get “murderized”. Triple H gets a hold of Shawn and calms him down saying that they’re just a bunch of cheerleaders. Triple H then cuts a Triple H promo saying how great they are. This is made infinitely more entertaining by Shawn mouthing all of Triple H’s words.
Ultimately, they’ve got two words for the Spirit Squad. Crowd goes suck it. Triple H says, nope, not those two words. He says “look up”. They do and are slimed! Nobody said “I don’t know” though so the “You Can’t Do that on Television” reference falls flat. Pratfalls and slippage abound in the ring as everyone is soaked and Shawn and Triple H cackle in the back. Cute segment.
World’s Greatest Wrestling Managers in on DVD right now. The sliming is recapped from multiple angles. The Spirit Squad is in the back and they are flipping out. The Spirit Squad keeps calling Coach, Jonathan Coachman. Coach says he’s enacting the plan that Vince McMahon would in his absence.
Coach heads to Vince’s office to see none other than Paul E. Heyman. Paul says that he’s going to invade tonight unless he gets what he wants. He proposes an interpromotional match between Edge/Orton and Angle/RVD. Then he cons Coachman into making a match between Balls Mahoney and John Cena for tonight.
Back out front, Good Ole JR is still missing his hat. They’re going to interview Kane right now. Apparently he knows who fake Kane is. He’s from the childhood of regular Kane. That’s the gist of the interview. Commercial time.
Umaga vs Jobber: Yes, a real god honest jobber
John McChestney is the guy’s name. He looks happy for being jobbed out to the lamest gimmick since “Meat”. Umaga eats him.
Umaga dumps him after the match. Armando says what his name is and he is pissed when they all shout out the Estrada. He tosses the microphone down and heads out. Flair/Edge is later tonight. For some odd reason, Lita’s graphic makes her look like Chyna. Ick. Cena is heading down to the ring which takes us into that great Starburst commercial.
WWE Rewind is of Edge getting beaten up by Cena at ECW and then Cena decking Edge.
John Cena vs Balls Mahoney: Meh
Cena gets a rather large face pop. Balls comes down with Heyman and a chair that says “Cena Must Pay” on it. Slugfest starts things out and Cena takes over. He hits a release fisherman’s suplex. Anti-Cena chant is taken over by a pro Cena chant. Eye poke and Cena gets dropped into the corner. Balls works him over with his balls punches. Minor ECW chant starts out, but Cena takes over. Throwback. You can’t see me! Heyman slides Balls the chair, Cena ducks and drops Balls. STFU and Cena gets a victory.
Winner: John Cena
Paul rolls into the ring to check on Balls. Cena sees him and it looks like the shit is about to hit the fan. Sabu hits the ring and tosses the chair into Cena’s face. He rolls Cena on to the announcer table, sets up a chair and it’s a triple jump Arabian Facebuster! Cena is dead. Sabu is dead. Paul and Balls help Sabu out through the crowd. Cena stands up on his own power despite being busted open. That takes us to commercial.
We’re back and it’s a recap of what Sabu did.
Randy Orton vs Snitsky: Perv Gimmick vs Actual Perv
Poor Snitsky. No more Golddust to team with. Orton thumbs Snitsky in the eye and drops a back breaker on him. Orton drops the knee for two and then slaps on the headlock. Snitsky fights up and runs Orton over with a couple of clotheslines followed by side slam. Snitsky hits Orton with a shoulder block. He tries for a pump handle slam, Orton tries an RKO, Snitsky pushes him out of it and misses with the big boot. Orton spends too long on the ground but gets up and RKO’s Snitsky. Bleh.
Winner: Randy Orton
The King interviews Randy Orton. He says that he’s tougher then John Cena and not happy about going into an ECW ring. He also says he’s getting his job back from Angle this Sunday. This is shaping up to be quite the show, if you know what I mean.
This week in WWE history Dusty Rhodes and Harley Race wrestled. Dusty Rhodes booked himself to win his second title. Also, Andre would be 60 today if he was still alive.
Carlito is in the center of the ring with a microphone. He says he’s got a handicap match tonight because Coachman over heard him laughing about what DX did.
Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro: PPV Pimp Match (that no one cares about)
Melina causes Good Ole J.R. to ask for some Cialis. Wow”¦ this makes me ever so sad. Carlito starts out with Nitro. Nitro takes over early. Carlito takes over though as he uses a springboard backflip off the second rope over Nitro and nails him with a drop kick. Shelton says Nitro sucks and tags in.
Carlito works over Shelton. Shelton eventually elevates Carlito and sends him to the canvas. Nitro tags himself in and it’s time for the wacky tag team partners to fight. It ends up with Shelton getting dumped. Carlito rolls up Nitro who rolls through and wins?
Winner: Johnny Nitro and Shelton Benjamin
Hm, that was interesting. Shelton and Carlito fight in the ring with Carlito landing a backcracker to finish things off. That takes us to commercial.
We’re back and DX has defaced Vince’s office. Coach is pissed and then he turns around to run right into Triple H and Shawn Michaels. Triple H and Shawn Michaels admire their work. Shawn is having fun being an annoying prick. They decide to watch the show with Coach.
Now, it’s time for an interview with Maria! Why, it’s Eugene! Maria looks super hot and I blank out. Eugene is interrupted by Rob Conway who is floored by Eugene. Eugene spazzes out and takes off.
We run through the Vengeance card. I really don’t feel like writing it out though. Shawn and Triple H say the Pay Per View looks awesome and they keep saying, “Gonna get it? Gonna buy it?” Coach lays down the law before Triple H and Shawn Michaels decide to listen to Coach. They pretend as if everything is fine before tossing Coach through a wall. They pants him, so he’s wearing a thong, and then spray paint a backwards DX on his ass. Commercial time is now.
We’re back and it’s time for the Highlanders to kill all of my interest in this show. They break into a hotel and order porn. Mick Foley is on commentary. Foley says he is going to stink up the joint by giving one him an awful, awful match.
Edge vs Ric Flair: PPV Pimp Match 2
Edge works over Flair with a back drop. Edge jumps off the top and eats some chops. Edge charges and lands shoulder first into the steel pole. Edge is pissed and grabs a chair. The ref takes it away and Flair uses a low blow on Edge. Flair flips Lita into the ring with hip drop and then goes for a figure four on Edge. Foley has seen enough though and he slaps on the Mandible Claw which is followed by a Spear.
Out of no where, RVD hits with a side kick. RVD then hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Edge. Ouchie. He escapes through the crowd.
In the back, the Spirit Squad rallies the B-list heels to attack DX before we go to break.
We’re back. DX is here. Shawn Michaels and Triple H get rather large pops as they head out to the ring (surprising, no). Triple H asks if you’re ready. The crowd goes ape shit over this. Triple H then proceeds to do Billy Gunn’s old rap with a “let’s get ready to suck it” chant. Shawn Michaels says that if they aren’t down with that”¦ well you know.
Of course Shawn Michaels and Triple H have set up the McMahons with Steph’s pregnancy. Shawn asks who do you think got her pregnant. Triple H doesn’t know but he’s guessing that he’s got to have a dick down to his knee. Shawn stops him before he can go too far to plug the Pay Per View. Uh oh. Look out, it’s time for the Spirit Squad.
Oh no, it’s MIDGETS! (hah) There’s the mini Spirit Squad. They beat up the midgets and Triple H says that’s not quite up to DX standards. Triple H has been thinking about cheerleaders all week. He gives Shawn a blindfold (double hah). The sexy cheerleaders take off their shirts before the real Spirit Squad attacks. Unfortunately, Mickey and Johnny are the only ones who make it into the ring. A beat down follows for them.
DX has got two more words for the Spirit Squad. The midgets hit the ring and moon the Spirit Squad with Suck It painted on their ass. Cute ending to a cute show.
See you guys on Wednesday for another ECW recap.