Monday Morning Flasher

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Iain Burnside’s Anti-Nexus reviews, the only place on the Internet to read what Ian Burnside thinks of She-Hulk. Torrie Wilson nude photos later on.

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Newsflash! Slow News Week Gives Internet Columnist Chance To Express His True Feelings Concerning The Great Khali.

With an extremely slow news week last week, an Internet columnist for a minor site finally had the chance to express his true feeling concerning The Great Khali.

“ECW’s premier was just terrible, so that was all everyone focused on last week,” the columnist said. “Before that we were talking about the PPV and Randy Orton coming back. This week everything seems to just be standing still, you know? I mean, it looks like Randy is making some dumb statements but nothing too newsworthy, and Vengeance doesn’t have anything particularly exciting to offer. This was the perfect time to expose The Great Khali.”

In his column, the writer said The Great Khali was average at best. He made fun of Khali’s lack of moves, as well as using a chop as a finisher. He then delved into homosexual jokes, referring to the wrestler as The GAY Khali.

“He totally nailed him,” said one of the site’s fifteen readers. “I never thought about The Great Khali as The GAY Khali before reading the article, and now I can’t think of him as anything but that! This is why [name withheld] is the most cutting edge columnist in the world.”

“This is only the beginning,” the columnist swore to me. “Next week I’m going to write an article about how we should sing when John Cena’s music plays. You know the horns, ‘DOO DOO DOO DOOOOO’? We can sing, ‘JOHN CENA’S GAAAY!’ It’ll be incredible.”

Insidepulse will have more on this story if there continues to be a lack of news.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Gloomchen’s Totally True Tales, the music section’s most written column by a married former fatty. Torrie Wilson nude photos after this!

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Newsflash! Idiot Triumphs Over Bra.

On last week’s ECW Tuesday Night a new female employee named Kelly, neither a manager nor a wrestler, managed to unhook her bra and reveal her breasts. The intricate puzzle that is her bra hook that left Kelly baffled on ECW’s debut was finally solved.

Kelly was met with wild cheers and high fives from all of the wrestlers backstage. “I need to first thank God,” Kelly told the cheering throngs. “It was through his power that I was able to overcome these obstacles and unhook my bra. I think everyone saw that the dancing confused me a bit, I make no excuses for that, but Jesus was there by my side as I was able to take my bra off.”

She also thanked the prop master for making her a Velcro bra which pulled off from the front.

Kelly is said to be studying for tomorrow night’s show where she will remove a pair of gloves from her hands without the aid of a crowbar.

Insidepulse will have more on this story in the coming weeks.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by the winner for best wrestling column of the past week Flea’s Saturday Evening Post, which was posted on Thursday. Torrie Wilson nude shortly!

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Newsflash! Randy Orton Calls Triple H Fat.

Randy Orton went on a promotional tour this week across the globe. From the US to Canada to England, Randy Orton appeared on talk shows to spread the word that Triple H is fat.

“He needs to start counting his calories again,” Randy said in regards to Hunter during an interview for England’s Silvervision.

“HHH looks like Homer Simpson now with that disgusting gut,” he said to Canada’s Slam Sports. “I am the D’OH!”

“It’s disgusting. DX? More like DXXXL,” Randy said to the Pittsburgh Gazette.

“I love coming to Toronto,” Orton told the Toronto Times. “I’m going to miss coming here when the WWE returns and Triple H eats the city.”

“There are many ways to work the crowd,” Orton suggested to a reporter from the London Sun. “We call them bald, ugly, stupid, we call their women whores, you get it. We used to be able to call them fat, but with Trips on our roster it’s just hypocritical.”

“A lot of people have been asking, ‘What happened to Chris Masters?’ Well, Triple H ate him,” Randy informed the Houston Chronicle.

When the morning show Montreal Today asked Orton about steroids, Orton finally grew gravely serious. “I’m not going to pretend the problem has gone away. A lot of people still use the juice backstage. I’m not going to name any names besides Hunter. Wait, I’m sorry, he doesn’t juice. He milkshakes.”

Orton mocked Triple H’s theme song in a variety of shows and papers. “Time to eat the fudge!” “Time to drink the lard!” “Time to gain the weight!” “Time to look real fat!”

Orton also suggested a new catchphrase for Triple H to the London Sentinel. “HEY HEY HEY!”

Insidepulse will have more on this story later on when Widro muses whimsically on the topic.

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Monday Morning Flasher is brought to you by Cheap Heat by Matthew Michaels, filling in for Daniels who was too busy having sex with your mother to write his column. Stay tuned for Torrie Wilson butt assed nekid!

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Newsflash! Johnny Nitro Wins IC Title, Matt Cappotelli Proven Prophetic.

Last night at Vengeance, Johnny Nitro won the Intercontinental Title. This proves that Matt Cappotelli can predict the future as we take a look back at an Insidepulse Newsflash from several weeks ago.

TYPE SOMETHING TO SIGNIFY SEPARATION. SOMETHING MORE CLEVER THAN STARS. THINK GRUT, THINK! YOU FUCKING RETARD, THINK! REMEMBER TO DELETE THIS AND PUT IN THE DASHES OR WHATEVER!

[JunkNewsflash!] Matt Cappotelli Feels Terrible For Johnny Nitro

Matt Cappotelli, the former OVW Champion who was diagnosed with brain cancer, feels just awful over the recent events that have happened to his co-Tough Enough III winner Johnny Nitro.

“It’s just sickening,” said the stricken Cappotelli, who was beaten to a pulp on Tough Enough by Bob Holly while Johnny Nitro stood in the corner and watched. “It’s a tragedy. John had it all. He was part of the most dominant tag team on Smackdown with a kick ass gimmick, he had an incredibly beautiful and famous girlfriend that hundreds of thousands of men would kill their wives for, and was making more money than I’ve seen in a year in a month. To have to find out that your girlfriend is allegedly cheating on you with a guy old enough to be your dad who you don’t have to work with at the moment because he got injured at just the right time, man, that’s rough.”

Cappotelli, who was supposed to fly to Stamford to record videos for his WWE debut the day after doctors discovered his brain cancer and yet he said it was lucky because it is all part of God’s plan for him, continued. “I’m glad he and Melina were ‘fired’ together. Obviously they’ve decided to work through their differences instead of splitting apart. Now they’ll have a couple of weeks to talk things through and relax on the beach, and after that he’ll probably wind up on RAW and immediately win the Intercontinental title. But there’s always the possibility that he and Melina will break up, and in all honesty, that would be the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

Cappotelli, a firm believer and practitioner of Christianity without having to have been born again, something of a novelty in the wrestling business, a man who promises to do everything he needs to do to return to the ring one day despite the doctors telling him it is impossible, added, “I want Johnny to know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and Melina. No matter what happened, I am sure that their love will get them through this insanely difficult trial. If my wife cheated on me, I don’t know how I’d react. I mean, it’s a little different because being associated with Melina has garnered Johnny hundreds of thousands of dollars and a title belt within his first few months of working for the WWE, so it’s kind of financially responsible for him to work it out with her, but it all comes down to love.”

Cappotelli paused, then said, “A broken heart is more deadly than any other disease on the planet. I’m praying for you John.” He then went to go lay down as he wasn’t feeling all that well.

TYPE SOMETHING TO SIGNIFY SEPARATION. SOMETHING MORE CLEVER THAN STARS. THINK GRUT, THINK! YOU FUCKING RETARD, THINK! REMEMBER TO DELETE THIS AND PUT IN THE DASHES OR WHATEVER!

Insidepulse will have more on this story as it develops.

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Newsflash! As promised, Torrie Wilson Nude!

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May your week be as informative as reading this article was.