D2 Review: The Ubiquitous David Hasselhoff

What’s the world coming to? First, “Baywatch” was the number one show in the world, and recently, I can’t turn my tv on without seeing David Frickin Hasselhoff. All 6’4″ of him. It’s like Where’s Waldo, only the striped shirt is replaced by a buttoned down shirt with no use of the buttons.

1st Spotting:
During the “American Idol” Finale the cameras caught him crying like Tammy Faye Bakker when they crowned Taylor Hicks. Apparently, he’s a Kat fan and didn’t fare well with the results. I’m going to take a guess that he was in the audience because his new BFF, Simon Cowell, put him there because he’s one of the judges on Cowell’s latest addition to his reality resume, “America’s Got Talent”. Now, I don’t know what Simon’s affinity is with washed up 80’s stars that prompts him to place them in the judges seat, but he sure like’s ’em. I mean, really, are the Brit’s that far behind? Is “Footloose” in theatres right now? I thought that in order to be a judge, like Judge Judy, you had to have practiced for a certain number of years and be called to the position by your peers. This is obviously not the case in choosing a judge on reality television. Ergo, Pauler Abdul and The Hoff.

2nd Spotting:
The next Hoff spotting was during the NBA Finals of the Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks. But it wasn’t The Hoff in person. One of the fans held up a photo. I was a bit perplexed, then I came to realize that Dirk Nowitzki, the Dallas Mavericks’ center, was German and in a recent radio interview he had admitted to liking David Hasselhoff’s music. Oh no he didn’t. Yes, he did. This ammunition fueled the Heat fans to then get face cutouts on popsicle sticks for the remainder of the games and hold them up whenever Dirk had the ball. Now, THAT’s a Hoff spotting I can accept!

3rd Spotting:
A week later is the debut of “America’s Got Talent”, where David gets to show his talent as a judge alongside songstress Brandy and British Simon-lite, Piers Morgan. The banter between the judges is so forced that it fails worse than I did in math… and science…and gym. The Hoff oozes Velveeta when he makes references to his former career on “Knight Rider” by talking into his watch calling K.I.T. to save him. Honey, not even K.I.T. can save you. Hell, I bet your co-judges don’t even know what you’re doing because Brandy’s so young and Piers is a bloke. Poor Hoff. This sad display of validating your career is following the path that Adam West paved by making “Batman” references the rare opportunities he gets airtime. And “America’s Got Talent” is nowhere near touching “American Idol”. It’s a cross between Idol and “The Gong Show”. With Regis playing the part of Ryan Seacrest and Chuck Barris. Rege is apparently starved for work now that he’s down to only one day job since his departure from “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”. Thankfully, Simon and gang could help a brother out. I mean, it’s just embarrassing when co-host Kelly Ripa has 2 jobs and 3 kids and you only have one job. Loser. Even Seacrest has 4 jobs. I mean, come on, Rege, you’re 357 years old, set an example. Even Meredith Viera, your Millionaire replacement has 2 jobs AND a promotion!

4th Spotting:
Enough already! Adam Sandler puts him in his new movie, “Click”, and now we get to see The Hoff doing his press junket. Dammit. But the only funny thing was on “The View” when Star Jones asked him why he cried at the “American Idol” finale. He got up on his soapbox and started an incredibly defensive rant about how his friend had just survived brain cancer and he’s comparing that to Taylor Hicks coming out of nowhere and living the American dream. Uh… yeah, David, it’s EXACTLY like that. And that’s why he teared up, because they both conquered something. Right.

Now, I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but with the exception of the Marcia Brady tears on the AI finale and the Heat fans mockery, I really don’t need to see anymore of David Hasselhoff. Why can’t my television set be filled with more Paul Walker?

Next week: Why is Simon Cowell running our tv sets?