EXCEPT OUR WALLETS?
LAAAAAME
SO NOW WELCOME BACK THE:
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Brought to you by the letter Q,
The number 3.5
The shape of Octagon
And Kane’s pyro…
Also brought to you by:
Inside Pulse – Where the big boys play!
NWS Superstars – Where the big boys wrestle!
Monday Night Rabble – Where the big boys put their toys!
And now how brown cow, here’s the boys and girls club of the Rabble:
ERIC – He who sells sea shells
HERNANDEZ – The woodchuck that chucked wood
JENNA – She supposes her toeses are roses
BILL – Umm.. Toy Boat Toy Boat
JEFFERY – Err.. He picked a pack of pickled peppers
DANI – She’s my rubber baby buggy bumper
NINA – I.. I got nothin…
Ah well – I’m James Hatton – and this is the Rabble!
Hey, they are there in Lafayetteville and tonight DX and the McMahon’s are fighting it out tonight. Cena is rematching against RVD. It’s all tonight right after …
Hey! Trish is here! Wearing a red glittery breasty thing. No sling now, and she is wrestling tonight – and after they give her a full intro, they show her pop out her wrist like five times… she then points up.
“To Sabu” – Me
“To Eddie..” – Eric
“Geez can we get past the first match first!” – Me
Now here comes Mickey – for the title
TRISH vs. MICKEY
Champion retains?
Bell rings and they lock up – hammer lock to a headlock from Trish – Mickey rolls out of it, but Trish gets to a belly to back and a force into the corner. Mickey gets the back elbow and Trish hits the Thesz Press and two big clotheslines and a dropkick.
They get up and a spinebuster from Trish.
“Why do you even run into those moves?” – Bill
Trish goes and hits Mickey with an elbow, sells the hurt shoulder – and there was a rana from Trish – but as Trish gets up Mickey gets up with a swift kick to the face and then a pin for two. Now Mickey goes and plants her leg in Trish’s shoulder. Sets Trish against the ropes and rolls her shoulder against it.
“Oooo her bra’s sliding there!” – Hernandez
Mickey hits a spin high-angle DDT nicely and grabs the pin!
WINNER: MICKEY JAMES
Hey and before it’s all over – here comes Nitro and Milena. They do the full red carpet intro and Milena grabs the microphone (wearing a mumu) – She introduces Nitro as the only man holding singles gold on Raw, Johnny Nitro…. and herself as the new top diva of the WWE.
“Yech..” – Bill
“Busted..” – Hernandez
So Trish goes after Milena – Carlito makes the save. We discuss that Nitro should have the belt hanging from his taint. Yes, that’s what we discuss that doesn’t make the Rabble… taint.
One more time… Taint.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
In the back – Trish thanks Carlito, and he explains that it’s his belt that Nitro’s wearing… and then he begins babbling on in Spanish. Then says ‘Your welcome’ and she whispers into his ear whether she spits or swallows.
“Did his hair just stand up more?” – Hernandez
“I think Trish just said what I think she said..” – The King
“Your taxes are done?” – Me
So we get a replay of the DX return.
“IT IS!!!!” – All of us at least once.
Spirit Squad are now in the back yelling amongst each other.
“I can’t tell who is who without the bloody nose.” – Jenna
So Shane shuts them up and Spirit Squad will be spectators as Vinnie and Shane’O’Mac take on DX.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:17
So they asked people outside of the arena who would win the title tonight.. sadly, not much comedy there except for one guy who discusses it at length.
Hey! It’s Umaga!
“Umaga Kamala Oprah Uma” – Bill
“That didn’t work then.. it doesn’t work now” – Jeffrey
“It should have worked then…” – Bill
It’s now time for the best part of the match – Armando! We all listen…… to heem..
As Armando is introducing himself – he’s interrupted by Kamala with Kim Chee!!!
“KIM CHEE!” – Me
“Is it the Brooklyn Brawler?” – Hernandez
“I wish!” – Me
GARBANZO vs. KAMALA
Umm..
They hit the ropes and go belly to belly – then Kamala blocks some hits and then some chops – but then a shot from Umaga – and an extended bodyslam drops Kamala – a hard kick to his chest, and then Garbanzo goes and attacks Kim Chee.
He slams him into the turnbuckle.
“I think the ring moved” – Hernandez
Umaga sets Kim in the corner and Garbanzo butt bumps him – squishes him – and then does the flying headbutt to Kamala from across the ring.
Armando breaks the cigar – Garb hits the thumb of doom – the end.
WINNER: UMAGA
“I’ve never seen someone dominate Kamala like that..” – The King
“Didn’t you watch wrestling during the early 90s?” – Me
“…no…” – Jeffrey
“How many jobbers are they going to throw at him?” – Bill
“All of them” – Jeffrey
“As many as it takes to look like a monster.” – Hernandez
“They could screw bolts in his neck, he ain’t looking like a monster.” – Me
Hey – another diva contest….. can’t wait to watch this… I’m kidding. The top eight will be out later…. why god why? You know what, that’s not bad – that means I get to come up with some new names. Don’t you remember when Maria was known only as Boobage McTahtah.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:30
Torrie’s here in a bikini and her doggie’s in a hawaiian shirt.
Tomorrow her magazine comes out. Here’s the cover.
We pray for a DX moment as they reveal the cover, but sadly.. no luck.
Here comes Edge and Lita though!
“I want her shirt!” – Nina
“I want her disease ridden vagina” – Me
So they get in, kick out Torrie and drop the magazine cover. He wants us to recognize that he is the MVP of Raw. So he’s now leaving the show… like.. forever or something!
So Edge bails out through the crowd, the snack concession, makes fun of the t-shirt vendors, takes all the Edge shirts.
“Ooo and one Cena… and…. yeah, gimme an RVD.” – Me
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:40
HEY MARIA’S HERE! She is looking damn good – lil collar and velvety dress – and a little too much bronzer…
Anyway – she introduce’s John Cena who admits that he wasn’t having a good night at One Night Stand.
“All he wants is a one night stand with Maria” – Dani
So since One Night Stand he’s had chairs on him like headgear, black eyes, cuts, stitches, and singapore cane in his skull.
“When did THAT match happen?” – Hernandez
“In the dressing room..” – Me
HELLOOOOO LAAADIESSSSSSsssss…
“Yes!” – Hernandez & Me
Val with.. Viscera..
“Awwww…” – Me & Hernandez
“He had me at HELLO!” – Hernandez
VAL VENIS & VISCERA vs. MURDOCH & CADE
Yep yep yep..
Cade pounds on Val. Tag into Murdoch. He pounds on Val.
Here comes Charlie!
“Nobody cheered, we didn’t know you were there” – Bill
“That’s how I knew he WAS there!” – Me
“He’s starting to look a lot like Chavo..” – Hernandez
Viscera goes and watches Charlie watch the match. In the ring there was lots of holdspots and now the big crazy hot tag to Viscera who goes and attacks everyone.
Bodyslams all around. Irish whip one Cade into one Murdoch. Outside the ring, Haas is hitting on Lillian. In the ring Viscera goes and hits a blackhole slam on Cade.
“So wait, they are setting up Haas as the heel..” – Bill
“And Viscera as a face..” – Eric
“And that’s a LOT of face..” – Hernandez
Hey and now instead of wrestling – it’s time for Brooke Hogan’s music video. A perfectly awesome time for a cigarette.
“And what’s awesome is this is a remix of a Randy Savage song..” – Bill
And as we return from the video.. Orton apparently was staring creepily and we saw Shane and Vince being hardcore. I had a cigarette.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
We all have no Chance in Hell —– and it’s not Vince.. it’s TRIPS! Dressed up like Vince, doing the Bushwacker walk down to the ring! He flexes and Bushwacking around the ring. Fantastic!
“And THIS is why DX is back” – Hernandez
“So this means Shane as Shawn!?” – Dani
“It’s the pouty lip that makes it..” – Jeffrey
“Alright, cut my music. Tonight, my son Shane and I are going to beat the holy hell out of Degeneration X. Until then, I’m going to stand here and ramble incoherently for no reason. What Degeneration X did to me last week. It was… well it was embarrassing. It was more embarrassing than when Triple H pedigreed me right in the middle of this ring and exposed my doughy white alabastor keister to the world. IT’s more embarrassing than when Shawn Michaels beat me in the grandest stage of them all.. Wrestleeeemaaanniaaaa….
It’s more embarrassing than… than.. than the XFL!”
“IT IS!” – Bill
“Last week, they brought me a rooster. Implicating that I love cocks. What I love is great men. Great men that are pioneers. Great men like my friend from NBC, George Ebersal. Like that entertainer, the guy who is almost as old as I am, Dick Clark. What I’m getting at is that I, Vincent Kennedy McMahon love Dicks. That’s right, I said it. I love Dicks. I love em all, and I discriminate. I like tall ones, short ones. I like black ones. I like white ones. I’ll even do an Asian. I just love Dicks. Let me tell you that anyone who gets between me and my Dicks… YOURRR FIRRREEERRRRRRREEDDDDDDD*choke*” – VINNIE H
And Here Comes The Moneyyyyyyy – it’s SHAWN O MAC!
Shawn skips down the ring geniously as Trips plays with his ear. Shawn skips into the ring.. skips around Hunter.. skips and skips… grabs the mic.
“DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN! I’M YOUR SON! THE PRODUCT OF YOUR SEMEN! SEE! It says so on my business card!”
THen he skips some more.
“DAD! I’ve tried to be supportive of you through this whole thing. Most of the reason is because when you die, which I’m hoping won’t be far off will be MINE MINE MINE!”
THen he skips some more.
“Son… are you mildly retarded?” – Hunter
Shawn skips.
“Shane-O, you got it all wrong. When I pass I’m not going to leave my money to you. I’m going to leave all that money to Stephanie and to whomever it was that knocked her up. There’s somethigna bout that guy. I’d like to say that MY semen is powerful… he must have a bazooka!” –
“No way Dad! You try to leave that money to Stephanie and…. WHAM WHAM” Skips “Dad! This is about DX. At Wrestlemania, Shawn stuffed this face, up that keister. Just give me one more chance at Shawn Michaels and I’ll… I’LL…” Skips some more. “Come on Dad, I won’t lie to you, I’m getting a little excited.. so excited I could just… DANCE! LOOK AT ME DAD! I’M DANCING” (He is dancing)
Trips screams ‘STOP IT’ and it knocks Shawn out. “When you do things like this, I have to outdo you.. that’s how it works. Tonight is no different. So you wanna dance… you wanna dance? Then you and everybody else… had better stand back!”
They show a flashback sequence from the Slammies that has a young Vince dancing with early 1980’s divas singing ‘Stand Back’.
Sadly, we can’t joke about this – we’re laughing too hard… and if you watch, Macho Man is playing a trumpet. Hogan on guitar. George The Animal Steel on drums. JYD on sax. Brutus Beefcake on a trumpet. Jake the Snake..
“..on drugs.” – Bill
This goes on for a few long – awesome – minutes – and here comes Vince and Shane.. and they don’t seem happy.
“Well it’s about time for this DX crap to come to an end. Exactly what my son and Shane are going to do to you – we’re going to beat the crap out of you. We’re not going to do it alone. We have some observers who are going to join us..” – Vince
“God” – Bill
Trips gestures to a portapotty out on the top of the key… and then tells them to look up – and they are coated in shit.
“No it’s melted snickers bars..” – Bill
“Where’s Umaga, I don’t even see him from here?” – Me
And this of course leads to the ‘Holy Shit’ chant.
“Just because of Shawn… it is Holy Shit” – Triple H
“THis public service announcement has been brought to you by Degeneration X. We would like to inform you that if you are not, in fact, down with that, we have two words for ya…” – Shawn
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:13
And as a note the first commercial after that is for peanuts. I found it to be a cromulant observation.
So last night – Flair beat Foley.
Ric is via satellite who calls Foley a glorified stuntman. He gives a nice promo. Woo.
In the back RVD is practicing and Heyman wants to talk to him. He is concerned though since RVD isn’t just the champ.. he IS ECW..
“wow..that’s like..deep…i’m like a whole federation..” – Me
“Then he leaves.” – Eric
Next – Kane vs. Orton
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:23
Kane’s here! It is!
Hey! Orton’s here! Hey! Hey! Orton sells the fact that the top of the key smells.
“Was I here before?” – Hernandez
His pyro hits.
“All the methane ignites..” – Hernandez
“HEY!” – Bill
KANE vs. ORTON
Kane only got half of his pyro?!
Lock up and Kane pushes him to the corner. Orton pushes him back and eats a chop instead. To his feet, Kane whips him into the corner and Orton dropkicks Kane’s knee badly. Orton beats down on Kane for a two count.
Orton now hits him the back til Kane says ‘NO’ and throws Orton to the corner and makes him eat some boat. He follows up with a short clothesline. Orton runs in and eats a sideslam. Kane then heads up to the top turnbuckle, and hits the clothesline.
Kane is about to set-up for the chokeslam and hey, the old Kane music chimes in.
“WHY DO I KEEP AGREEING TO THIS!” – Hernandez
“Is he wearing sleeves” – Nina
“Yes, because Kane was horribly burned!” – Me
So old Kane comes down – stops Kane from interrupting – and gets RKO’d
WINNER: ORTON
So in the ring – Kane boots Kane^2 – hits the chokeslam two times and as Kane^2 gets thrown up the key and chokeslammed at the top! The crowd chants on ‘Take Off The Mask’ Kane drags him to the back..
“I’m gonna go f*ck this backstage” – Bill
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:36
So in the back Kane and Kane^2 are in the back. Kane takes off Kane^2’s mask and throws him out.
So a video of the final eight divas…..
Then a video of Rob Van Dam winning the title…
“Just means he’s going to lose tonight” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:45
The Highlanders are in a bathroom this week. Look, you people can be totally against this bit.. I’ve seen lots of heat about it. I’m expecting it to be funny, and you are guaranteed to see these guys with the tag belts within six months.
They will be here next week!
Now it’s time for RVD… wait champ comes out first? This is not a good sign for the champ. Rob gets some mixed reactions, and Cena gets a bigger face pop than heel one…
ROB VAN DAM vs. JOHN CENA
It Spins
Bell rings and Cena runs in to slam him down. Tosses RVD to the ropes – and a big sitting hiptoss. Cena runs RVD to the corner – Rob blocks it and hits him with the high kick. Rob leaps to the top and Cena runs in to push him to the crowd.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:54
Hey – we’re back and Cena’s got him on the mat with a headlock. RVD slowly fights out of it. Cena fights down Rob – tosses Rob to the ropes and ducks down to eat a boot to the face. Cena on the outside, Rob goes in and tries to slam him to the turnbuckle, but it’s blocked and ROB eats it instead.
Now both fight at the turnbuckle – John tries to climb up but Rob just beats him down and then a standing high kick to Cena’s face drops him to the outside of the ring. Rob hits the top and a moonsault right to the outside….
Pulls Cena in – two count. Leg drop – two count. Rob heads and goes for a chair. Ref comes in and pulls the chair away.
“BAD RVD.” – Dani
He turns around and eats a crossbody from Cena – two more of them – a spinebuster – sets up for the Five Knuckle….. hits it!
“Hey, I CAN see you!” – Dani
Size up for the FU, but RVD fights out of it and hits with the spinner kick.
They fight to their feet and we now go fist to fist. RVD gets an out of nowhere spin kick and a couple of clotheslines of his own! He goes for a suplex, but Cena blocks it and hits his own – RVD lands on his feet and hits Cena with the bridged German! TWO Count! Hits the double leg legdrop for two! RVD ges whipped into the ropes and Cena hits a bad angled spinebuster.
RVD in the corner – Cena charges in and eats an elbow. RVD hits the top – Cena rolls out of the way! RVD leaps, rolls, Rolling Thunder! CENA’S KNEES GO UP!
Cena gets to his feet, hits the FU.. hits the STFU!
RVD’S fighting it! He wants to tap!!!!!
IN RUNS EDGE. EDGE BEATS THE HELL OUT OF BOTH!
WINNER: DQ
And the end of the show is Edge leaving the ring yelling at both of them.
What did we think?
“That was phenominal.. with the jumping and the dancing..” – Jenna
“DX 10oclock was funny. The belt is not where it belongs. Not yet.” – Bill
“Better than Vengeance” – Jeffery
“I want a Shane O Mac Jersey” – Dani
“Pretty good. Suck it.” – Nina
“If it keeps getting better, when is it going to stop?” – Eric
“Best 10 oClock spot I’ve seen, and surprised RVD held onto the title” – Hernandez
And I must say that DX was great – most of the show was tepid – and I dug the main event.
So an above average given what we’ve gotten! Thanks once again for joining the Rabble yall…
BUT WAIT – It’s time for the THX-EXTENDED SET OF STUFF….
First: P E N N Y C A N D Y F O R T H E R A B B L E
I still hurt. Damned Cel-phone drivers. 9 cracked ribs, broken right shoulderblade, dislocated knee, 70% soft-tissue bruising, yeah, I’m a cranky bitch. Enjoy the ride.
Vengeance.
The Vincler Youth impressed me a bit last night, with Ralph Machio… er, Mitch (I think) working through that nasty nose break. Flair should never be allowed to blade or wrestle again. Make him someone’s manager. If he’s sloppy enough not only to be caught ON FUCKING CAMERA, but to blade that deep on what really should have cause a few pinhole wounds, not one slash. I’ve been a wrestling fan most of my life and I’ve ALWAYS been mystified by Flair’s godlike following. He’s wrestled the exact same match for 30 years.
If he loves wrestling this bad let him manage someone or for his own good fire him. Maybe he can go rub TNA’s nuts instead. WWE doesn’t NEED Flair. Flair needs WWE.
So Glen jobbed to perhaps the sloppiest most useless looking inept big man wrestler since well, Khali. Come on Vince, he made See No Evil for you! Hasn’t he suffered enough? And this got placed AFTER the Title match?
RAW
Nice to see them finally starting to sow the Trish/Melina fued.
We’re at Val and Vis entering as I get to this part and I just heard something about Brooke Hogan’s video. Good god. Yeah Vince, nice to see that Hogan’s cock is still so firmly planted up your ass. Thank you for threatening to waste your airtime for a guy not under contract/on the roster/worth even .01% of a goddamn buyrate.
Vince? Tell Stephanie where to stick it and GIVE THE COMPANY TO SHANE.
Dear god they cloned Titney Spears and went back in time to artifically inseminate Hogan’s wife. How am I supposed to tell this is Brook Hogan? It looks like 80% of MTV’s airtime. Worst of all that voice. Sounds like Aguilera with a bad cold and strepthroat.
So Vince and Shane will beat the crap out of DX tonight. Gawd. Only worth my time if Shane turns. Hmm. I need to find out which Rehab Centre Joanie’s in this week so I can call and tell her THIS is what happens when she holds Vince up for more than she’s worth.
Okay, now THIS is funny. Did Trips shove a pickle up his ass to get the walk right? Finally, reviving a DX staple I actually LIKED. (Yes James, I know, I speak blasphemy.) I think he’s gargling with glass to get that voice. Good god how is he sneaking this many unbleeped Cocks and Dicks on the air? Heh, I’m amazed Shawn didn’t do hopscotch. Note to Shawn; Jolt cola is a drug.
Cut down. Love how Trips keeps coming THIIIIIS close to breaking kayfabe about Steph’s baby.
SLAMMIES!!!!! (*hops like a mark for classic 80’s cheese*) Wow! Continuity from 18 years ago! Who knew it was possible! For that matter, who knew Vince would let such a damning example of his true ego get on the air?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND Toilet humor on Raw reaches a new low. Kudos the crowd for being in on the joke. Funniest Raw segment in several YEARS.
BTW, I saw Corpse Bride on DVD this weekend. Funny as hell too. And less smelly.
Nice continuity from Orton selling the prior toilet humour. What’s with all this continuity lately? Are there actual wrestlers in Creative finally? So let’s see how then further humiliate poor Glen this week. Ah of course. A loss to Speedo Boy. (Tho I WILL give Orton props for the arm bit on ECW last week). At least Glen is finally getting to hand the imposter his ass like he should have yesterday. But this dragging him backstage could get ugly. Like JR’s burnscarred back ugly. (I’m Contuinity crazy tonight folks! Everything must go! These insane trends CAN’T LAST!!! Hurry! Sale ends at midnight!).
Dunno if you guys saw it in the US but we got a trailor for You Me & Dupree during this adbreak on TSN. Anti-climactic end to the Feaux Kane. But at least they’ve ended it.
WHY are they still wasting money on the DivaSearch?
And finally the only match Frankie cares about. (Cena and the women are the only things left on Raw Frankie can stomach. Everything else leaves a bad taste in her mouth.) Cena’s getting a decent pop. Could he FINALLY be earning some respect? Okay match but the wholly expected “I thought he walked out?” run-in from Edge was predictable and stupid. Way to end the show.
I’ll take a minute here to Pimp IP writers who like me. Or at least can tolerate my perpetual PMS. (James, I tried to pre-do the links but IP is (GASP! SHOCK!) down at the moment thus preventing me from getting them. Sorry.)
Steve Murray, (Look On The Bright Side), who wants to steal me from James.
(Editor Note: Hatton here.. I want details on this)
&
Paul S. (As opposed to Paul E.), who wrote the best answer to the hub-bub about Batwoman I can imagine reading, and I hugged him for it.. (Look in Comics Nexus)
Til next week I’m Penny. RIP Teardop. Mommy misses you.
AND NOW – FUN THINGS TO READ THAT AIN’T ME
PK gives us a preview of some DC Figures based on Alex Ross’ Justice.
GLOOMCHEN discusses Depeche Mode, even though I’m your Personal Jesus.
LUCARD uses Livejournal, and now you know why…
STEVE MURRAY writes a column I like more than the Rabble.
SCOTT SAWITZ really liked Adam Sandler’s Click. Do you agree?
