Contradicting Popular Opinion:29.06.06

An Enquiry Concerning You Zombie Survival Plan: Part 2


So, the last Zombie Survival Plan Enquiry created some controversy and a healthy amount of somewhat unhealthy discussion. Many chimed in and certain things were left unsaid. So it looks like we are in need of a Return of the Living Dead: Part 2.

This column is a part of CPO’s continuing summer school program. There is no need to register, and grades will not be given… but we will hand out degrees.


Tip 21: Meat! Reader Mike Dunn advises: Keep plenty of pre-packaged, mechanically separated meats in your home to protect against those damn dirty trolls. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m doing it just to be safe.

Tip 22: The Girl Who Texted “Wolf”: Friend of CPO, Meridith, wisely advises against the dangers of joke text messages. Always practice safe text! Don’t text your friends about a zombie invasion unless there is a zombie invasion! Although CPO does advocate the use of “false texting” for the purposes of pre-planned “zombie emergency drills.”

Tip 23: Better ZED than DEAD: As mentioned previously, perform the occasional Zombie Emergency Drill or ZED. If possible convince your local schools to have a daily zombie drill. There really is no argument against ZEDs in school. Anti-ZED people are either anti-child or pro-zombie, and in either case are most likely communists.

Tip 24: Procrastination pays… in DEATH! When asked what her Zombie Survival Plan was, Medici waitress Kyle responded, “I thought I still had time.” Exactly what the zombies would like you to believe. Remember that the two sweetest words in the English language are: contingency plan.

Tip 25: Research! Sheep blood over a threshold might be good for stopping Yahweh from smiting your first born, but all it says to the zombies is, “hey there are delicious brains over here, and they are cooking mutton!” Research, research research! Chalk lines might stop some Hoodoo, but nine times out of ten they are only useful for carpentry.

Tip 26: That Pikachu guy: So there is a monster apocalypse happening, and you haven’t done any research. You’re screwed, right? Probably, unless you happen to be tagging along with InsidePulse’s own Alex Lucard! Not only is he adept at identifying monsters, he knows most of their weaknesses. And unlike many believe, he doesn’t feast on human blood. At least not nightly. (At the very least, you should be able to run away as Lucard stubbornly argues with a zombie over said zombie’s folkloric accuracy.)

InsidePulse freelancer Matt Y offers the following 3 tips:

Tip 27: Smokey the Bear says… When playing with fire, keep a safe distance. (IP’s own Tommy P. offers this safety tip: you only want to set non-mobile zombies on fire.)

Tip 28: Safety in Numbers: Find other people. Not only can they watch your back, but there’s always the chance that they’ll get eaten before you. Just don’t get too attached in case they turn into zombies.

Tip 29: Run out? Then Run OUT! When in doubt (or out of ammo) RUN, or if they are the kind of zombies that can run, RUN FASTER.

Tip 30: Weapon of Choice: David Flair’s rival: InsidePulse’s Tommy P. champions the use of the crowbar:

The crowbar has the practical advantage of being lightweight and durable. Unlike a baseball bat though, it can be used to pry open locked doors and to scramble a zombie’s brain through the eye socket.

(Crowbars are a useful weapon and tool against both zombie Armageddon and the Jason Todd Robin; however, they are rubbish against slasher villains who have an uncanny ability to catch the dang things.)

Tip 31: Rifling through the Rifles: Tommy P. also adds:

As for a hunting rifle, the big question is what comes out of it. While a shotgun might be more effective with larger crowds of zombies at close range, it’s not a good weapon if you move to a roof or are out in a field where accuracy and range are a problem. … The most important advantage of a hunting rifle over a shotgun is the fact that ammunition is much more easy to acquire. While a gun shop or Wal Mart may carry some shotgun shells, they’ll certainly carry bullets for a semi automatic hunting rifle.

(CPO notes: Rifles are for outdoors. Inside the house, they are gonna go right through your zombie skull, through your walls, through some more of your walls, and into loved ones or passers-by. You probably don’t want any extra holes in your fortress or your family.)

Tip 32: And that man.. was ME! Many a reader pointed out a major oversight on my part. I didn’t bring up a weapon that I wrote an entire action sequence around in my own zombedy script. The first Zombie Survival column failed to mention the machete. Of all zombie slicers, the machete might be top of the list, fairly light, sharp, a good middle range. Plus, it provides hours of amusement for your Broken Lizard loving friends by wandering around with the mashaTAY, yelling, “Where’s my penis?!”

Tip 33: Life > Limb: Learn from Ash: if your hand goes zombie on you, cut it off. If your leg gets green and zomb-ish, amputate it. I think that this advice might even be in the Bible. (Although, the Bible is a notoriously PRO-zombie book.)

Tip 34: Don’t get zombified: Being a zombie sucks. Not only are you dead, you’re also an idiot. Don’t get zombified. This thing should be common sense.

Tip 35: Faust and Foremost: If things are looking particularly grim, it might not be a bad idea to align yourself with another monster. It is better to be vampirized than zombified, and everybody knows that a zombie is a vampire’s bitch. Sure, that might bring about other problems, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Likewise, werewolves should be immune to all but silver zombies. How bad could being a werewolf be anyway? In many ways the problems of Lycanthropy are similar to those of menstruation. (See: “Saga of the Swamp Thing” number 40 for details.)

Tip 36: Don’t mumble: Whether dealing with incantations, demonic names, the Awful Sayings in Mabrahoring, or a drive-thru order, speak clearly. Every syllable tends to count in these situations. In addition, when making Faustian deals or djinni’s wishes, make sure your wording is proper. There is a big difference between “Make a turkey sandwich for me” and “Make me a turkey sandwich.”

Mmm… Turkey sandwich…

Tip 37: The Sawyer Gosnell honorary rule: Boots. Always have a good pair of boots handy. They needn’t be bite-proof, but should definitely be bite resistant. Boots! Good for all weather. Boots! Plus there is something undignified about fighting zombies in loafers.

Tip 38: While we’re discussing fashion… Belts. Wear pants which don’t require a belt, then wear a belt. Belts can be tools, weapons, or foodstuff. If you can’t see the usefulness of a belt, you are probably a communist.

Tip 39: Eat the cat: Last time we talked about the utility of dogs in ghoulish scenarios. Cats on the other hand, are only good as a food source. They don’t bark, they aren’t loyal, they can’t do much damage to your average monster. Felines are typically bad magumbo, and are the traditional familiars to EVIL. Cats are, however, delicious with 5 spice powder.

Tip 40: Art Appreciation: If video games have taught me nothing else, I have learned to always be suspicious of works of art. Why would there be statues in a Police station, unless they were part of some irrational puzzle? Shove them around! Burn paintings! Smash vases! You’re bound to find something. And if you don’t, you can always exit the room and come back to reset everything back to its original position.

For more tips, I understand that Mel Brooks’s kid has a Zombie Survival Guide available through I’ve not read it, but assume that it has been approved by a panel of experts. Perhaps there was a ninja on the panel. That would be cool.