Evening all. I’m Tom Pandich here with a very special Raw. Last week I was ill and the site was down so I figured Mr. James Hatton and Mr. Carlos Zarur had that end covered. That’s ok though, I’m working the holiday (or close to the July 4th holiday). So besides a Diva patriotism bikini contest (you know it’s coming), what else is on tap? Well DX is banned from Raw tonight and Edge has a match with Rob Van Dam tomorrow on ECW (pending bail) so expect something to come of that. Keep it here all night and I’ll keep you informed on what’s happening.
A video recap of what happened last week plays to start off the show with DX mocking Shane and Vince McMahon followed by the crap bath. The show starts with Triple H and Shawn Michaels walking into the building only to be stopped by Jonathan Coachman and twenty security guards. Coach informs Triple H and Shawn that if they had read WWE.com, they would have known that they are barred from the building for tonight.
Triple H says he’s never turned on a computer before. He asks Shawn if he’s ever heard of WWE.com and Shawn looks dumbfounded. Shawn starts stuttering and stammering trying to say what’s wrong, but doesn’t get anything out. Triple H agrees, and the two wonder what they can do tonight. Triple H has an idea and they go out as we get the opening credits.
We are live from Philly tonight. Here comes Edge. Tonight he and a mystery partner will take on John Cena and his mystery partner and RVD and his mystery partner. Edge talks about how he’s going to win the WWE championship tomorrow night at ECW. Tonight though, he’s going to do his favorite thing, beat up John Cena and Rob Van Dam. He compares RVD to the Phillies (bland, no heart) and Cena to the Eagles (just can’t get it done). Edge says he’s Terrell Owens and all he wants to do is get the hell out of Philly.
Edge pimps tonight’s match and Lita’s match with Torrie Wilson. Edge is about to announce his partner when Cena hits the ring and beats him out. Here comes RVD with microphone in hand. He stops on the apron and talks about last week and whether or not he would have tapped if Edge hadn’t interfered. Maybe he would have, maybe he wouldn’t have. We’ll never know. Instead, Rob says that tonight he’s going to offer John Cena another title shot. Edge doth protest so RVD says make it a triple threat for the title tonight. It’s on and the mystery partners are off.
In the back, the boss pulls up. He wants to know if DX is here tonight. Coach says they were her, but they put their tails between their legs and ran. Vince thinks that sounds great, and he heads in with his head held high. In the background, a convertible drives up with a decent number of screaming college co-eds.
We are back from commercial. This Friday though”¦. BATISTA IS BACK! Thank goodness.
Lita vs Torrie Wilson: Short and Quick
Lita gets a suplex for one with a COCKY pinfall. Side Russian leg sweep also is good for only one. Lita kicks. Lita knees. Lita punches. Lita taunts, Lita gets a slap. Torrie mounts some offense. Clothesline and a drop kick is followed by Lita getting tossed into the corner. Torrie drops her and signals for a stinkface. Lita pulls the ref into the way and hits a big DDT ending this match. Pretty much a squash which is what needed to happen.
In the back, Vince is upset. It’s like a ghost town, and he wants Coach to get to the bottom of it. If this ends with Snitsky and Mae Young in a closet, I will be disappointed. Commercials.
We’re back and its Highlander time! We get all of the video packages they’ve done condensed into a one minute thing. They debut tonight so be happy. Now though, it’s a ten man tag!
Spirit Squad vs Hacksaw Jim Dungan, Eugene, Val Venis, Snitsky, and Viscera: Guess who’s half assing it on the names here?
Hacksaw gets a USA chant going. Val Venis starts things out with Nicky and working him over pretty well. Mikey gets the tag and works over Venis until he blocks a suplex. He tags in Eugene who is on Mikey. Mikey gets the blind tag to Mitch who hits Eugene with a spin kick. Kenny gets the tag and works over Eugene with some punches. Mitch gets tagged back in and gets a two count.
Mitch tags Mikey who crosses Eugene’s arms and proceeds to toss forearms at him. All sorts of quick tags ends up with Kenny in the ring missing a splash in the corner. Eugene makes the tag to Snitsky who unloads on everyone. Snitsky tries for a pin but gets taken out. The Spirit Squad dumps everyone else and Mikey and Kenny hit a senton/leg drop on Snitsky for the win.
Winners: The Spirit Squad
On the outside, Shawn Michaels and Triple H are tossing a Bar BQ complete with chef hats. Shawn is on the grill. They run through all of the dogs they’ve got including the DX size foot longs and the McMahon size cocktail weenies. One of the WWE bus drivers asks for two hot dogs. Triple H bets it gets lonely for Terry the bus driver on the road. Triple H thinks he sees Mr. Fuji and Shawn darts! He loves Mr. Fuji.
Terry gets an eye full of boobs while Shawn is off. Shawn comes back disappointed, but he’s got a proposition for the Spirit Squad. Either stay inside smelling like feces or come outside and get the feces beaten out of them. Cute. Two words, suck it. There you go.
Matt Striker and Rob Conway vs the Highlanders: Two weeks until they’re all back to Heat
The Highlanders weigh in at 43 stones. Matt Striker and Robbie start out. Striker gets his gets his foot caught and it’s head butt time. Robbie mounts Striker in the corner and gets the ten punches. Argh. This is awful. Headbutts and such. The one decent moment of the match comes when Striker refuses to tag in because they’re crazy and he’s smart. Highlanders win in an awful match.
Winner: The Highlanders
Wow, what a horrible DX segment we have following a horrible match. Candice and Triple H have implied blowjobs which are really implied because the camera can’t keep off of the fact that Triple H’s zipper is up and Candice is wearing pants. Anyways, they’re going to the video truck.
We’re back and Shawn Michaels is in the production truck. Candice and Triple H check out their respective girl’s asses from the last segment. Shawn Michaels wants to touch a button but “Dave” says not to touch a button. Dave gets easily distracted by the women with Triple H. Triple H hits the button and the feed cuts.
We go back to ringside for some banter by JR and the King. This goes on for a bit as Vince needs to go to the bathroom. Triple H and Shawn think it’ll be hilarious to watch Vince peeing. It isn’t, even when the Coach interrupts and gets peed on accidentally. Vince is pis”¦ upset as we go to commercial.
We’re back and Vince is upset and he’s going to do something about. DX plays with his microphone by cutting it out and playing with the feed and Vince’s bass and treble levels. They play sound effects and use a Telestrator to make Vince say he loves cocks. Triple H interrupts Vince and plays last week’s shit bath in a DX video package. Ok, this segment is dragging on.
Vince starts shouting for Coach. Coach is in the back trying to get into the video truck, but it’s locked. Coach bangs on the door but gets pushed out. Vince announces that DX will take on the Spirit Squad with elimination rules. What does DX think of that? DX plays canned laughter at that. Vince promises to get his revenge and asks DX to play his music. They play his No Chance in Hell music until they switch it over to his incredibly horrible music video from the 1980s.
Johnny Nitro vs Carlito: Intercontinental Title Championship
DX replays Melina’s entry into the ring. Carlito has a purpose as he tosses the apple into the crowd. The two start off in the corner and Nitro fakes being poked in the eye. While the ref admonishes Carlito, Nitro takes over. Carlito is able to land a nice hurricanerana and gets a short lived advantage before Nitro takes over again with a chinlock. Melina reminds me why I hated her on Smackdown with her screaming.
Nitro tosses Carlito into the corner and runs in flipping out. Carlito charges and hits a few clotheslines and a running knee lift. Carlito then lands a springboard elbow. Melina pops up on the apron and Carlito goes in looking to take her out. He dodges Nitro’s attack and lands the backcracker. Melina hits from behind causing the DQ.
Winner (by DQ): Carlito
Here comes Trish. Trish takes care of Melina. DX replays Trish running to the ring repeatedly.
In the back, it’s Rob Van Dam. Paul E says that tonight’s title match scares the hell out of him. Rob says he’s fine though and that he’s got this.
We’re back and oh joy, it’s Diva shit. We run down the contestants. All of the finalists are announced next week.
Coach is in the back hurting. Vince doesn’t care. He wants a limo to get out of here. He’s been embarrassed enough tonight.
Umaga vs jobber: As the jobber turns
DX interrupts Armando to plug their t-shirt. The jobber’s name is Scott Wright (Right). The match ends pretty quick in typical fashion.
As Armando tries to do his post match thing, DX plays a belch multiple times. Hurrah for that. In the back, Vince gets into his limo. The limo explodes with fireworks. Vince rolls out with his face blackened. DX is there with sparklers saying, maybe next week, you’ll let us in.
This week in wrestling history is Hulk Hogan’s heel turn with the NWO at the Bash at the Beach. In short, the best heel turn ever, ever. Speaking of Hogan, here comes Randy Orton to play up the “I’m a creepy pervert” role. Randy wants to have a big date with Brooke Hogan. I really hope this doesn’t build to Wrestlemania and they blow it off at Summerslam.
In the back, Edge says he’s going to win! What a compelling piece of video footage. He takes one last dig at Philadelphia. Title match is next.
Edge vs John Cena vs Rob Van Dam: Any chance Rob drops the title right now?
Lillian runs through the rules. No DQ, no countouts. Hmm. My guess is Edge takes it here. Staredown to start things off between Rob and Cena. They then proceed to beat the hell out of Edge. Then they pull each other off of Edge and use Edge as a mainly proving ground. Edge eats a spin kick in the corner from Dam and then proceeds to take Cena’s cradle suplex before both men dump him. Final commercial of the evening.
We’re back and Cena just eats a fist. Edge is still down. Van Dam sets up Cena on the top rope, but Edge breaks it up and Cena gets dropped on the floor. Edge gets decked by Rob and Rob lands a cartwheel splash. Edge gets tossed into the ropes and pulled out by Cena who tosses him into the steps. Rob comes over the top and lands on Cena.
Rob proceeds to roll Cena in and tries to set him up on the top, but he gets caught and nearly FUed. Rob fights out of it and Edge comes in. The match officially enters into clusterf*ck mode as the three go at it. Rob comes out over the two, tries for a Rolling Thunder but gets caught by both men. Rob gets dumped.
Cena tries for an FU on Edge who grabs on to the ropes. Edge gets dumped over the top. Here comes Lita with a chair. She gets dropped by Cena. Rob Van Dam picks up the chair and tosses it into Cena’s hands. Van Damniator! Rob goes up top and misses the Five Star Frog Splash. Cena grabs Rob Van Dam and drops him with an FU. Here comes Edge with a belt shot on Cena. Edge pins Van Dam. New champ EDGE!
Winner and New Champion Edge
Nice to know it’s Van Dam who did the job, not Cena even after the belt shot. Abysmal show folks no matter how much you like DX. I’ll be back tomorrow with the latest Off the Beaten Path film and Wednesday for the Morning After report. See you then.