Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 07.04.06

In Memoriam: Jan Murray, one of the greatest to ever come out of the Catskills.

At the corner of Haight and Ashbury stands a Gap and a Ben and Jerry’s. Would Janis have approved of this?

Yes, I had a fun time in the Bay Area last week, despite the fact that I had to interrupt the enjoyment with an interview. And while I’m waiting for that to happen or not happen, as the case may be, I have another interview locally on Friday, and I’m going to be getting a little money in my pocket by doing some cable installation (why not?). I should also be hearing about something in Indy later this week. Jobs are a great deal easier to try to get in Chicago than in West Bumf*ck, Kansas.

So, what did I do during my All Reasonable Expenses Paid trip? Nothing much, really. I did touristy things, mainly, something I hate doing. Yes, I did Fisherman’s Wharf and Ghiardelli Square. Yes, I went to the Haight. Yes, I drove through the Castro and tried to tell the difference between the old men and the lesbians (and failed). Yes, I went to the O’Farrell Theater and said a prayer of thanks to HST’s spirit, and threw a fit when I realized that I failed to bring a bottle of Wild Turkey with me. No, right-wing idiots, I did NOT go to Berkeley to “be with my people”. I only had about six or seven hours in San Francisco, because I had to get out to my hotel about fifteen miles from Oakland. However, it was enough to thoroughly abuse the rental car, and that’s always the point when it comes to trips like these.

I must say, though, that I wouldn’t mind living out there, even though it’s expensive as hell (which is why my salary would be ridiculously high). I could definitely get used to it. Now let’s hope they pull the trigger. I definitely don’t mind the money.

As for other things, let’s talk about women’s golf, since almost all the Americans are out of Wimbledon and we can’t really root for George Hincapie at the Tour de France because all of the good cyclists are being busted for performance enhancers. What was the talk of women’s golf when this season began? The Young Turkettes like Michelle Wie, Paula Creamer, Natalie Gulbis, etc. Then the Lorena Ochoa love-fest began. Then came the discussion of the Yellow Peril as the Koreans started winning everything in sight. Well, we’re three majors into the season now, and who’s won those? Karrie Webb, Se Ri Pak, and Annika Sorenstam. 2001 called; they want their LPGA members back (and that includes playoff loser Pat Hurst, or as Chris Arrington calls her, Wahoo McDaniel…hey, she does resemble Wahoo. And like Wahoo, she’s probably uncircumcised too.).

Arrington says that Wie’s going to break through at the British Open. Which one, Women’s or Men’s? I don’t think either one. I’m picking Juli Inkster to win the British Open. Why not complete the set with another Hall of Famer? If that happened (or if Wie somehow did win the British Open), this would be the perfect year to have a Women’s Grand Slam Of Golf. It’d definitely be worth watching.

(And you’ve got to quote Arrington. Anyone who says something like “nice blackface cocksucking Vinnie” and makes it work MUST be quoted.)

Oh, one more thing before the Pimps, I guess, but between San Francisco, the LPGA, and this one, I think even Hepple will think this column is too gay…

I am not terribly enthused about Saturday’s upcoming season closer for Russell T. Davies, Fanboy-At-Large. He’s now stepped over the line. He has come up with the same plot that every twelve-year-old Doctor Who fanbrat has created at some point in time, except that, being the executive producer of the show, it’s perfectly fine that he brings it to fruition, despite the fact that all those twelve-year-olds rejected it as being too childishly wish-fulfilling, even for them. I forgave him for last year’s blatant deus ex machina season closer. This one, though, I can’t. And he’s proud of it. He even said on this week’s Confidential that he was giving the fans something they’ve been dreaming of since 1966. Look, if he just came out and admitted that he was doing a very, very hard sell for Torchwood, I’d have been a lot better about the whole situation. But couching it in fan wish-fulfillment…look, we Trek fans just went through this a year ago when the Beebs said that the final episode of Enterprise would be a valentine for the fans. That turned out to be a major assf*ck. Russell’s a bigger expert on that subject.

There’s an analogy to be made with wrestling here. Unfortunately, the analogy is to the Invasion. We wondered for a decade what would happen if WWF and WCW met up against each other, and, boy, did we get the answer. Now, we’re getting the answer to a question asked for four times that length of time, and I don’t think that any answer would fulfill fan expectations. And to have an Event like this be used as a pimp for a spinoff just leaves a bad, bad taste in my mouth and the mouths of many Whovians. Nothing good can come of this. Davies is using Doctor Who like Vince uses WWE, as a personal plaything. The difference is that Vince owns WWE, and he has the right to use it as his personal plaything if he wishes. Ditto with Steph and Trip, since they’re going to own it when Vince croaks. Davies does not have that right and has not earned it. But he’s going to get a free pass, thus reinforcing my opinion of fanboys of all stripes.

Oh, hell, let me just start pimping…

THE PIMP SECTION

Oh, God, Pandich and Zarur both made incredibly obvious jokes about Van Dam’s situation in their taglines. That kinda blows the “IP’s writers are the most creative on the Net” claim.

As for the rest, pretty much everyone’s taking off for the long holiday weekend, so just scan the front page. We shouldn’t have that many contributions over the last twenty-four hours. However, read Paul; he’s got a good one this week.

POSSESSION IS NINE-TENTHS AGAINST THE LAW

Okay, so Van Dam and Sabu got busted for possession. It was actually pretty typical. They got pulled over for speeding by Ohio cops (been there, done that), who proceeded to smell pot smoke in the car. A quick search found the duo with eighteen grams of pot and various pills. Van Dam had five Vicodin on him, while Sabu had nine “unidentified pills that were known to be controlled substances” along with the ever-popular paraphenalia. They’re due to appear in court on Thursday back in Ohio.

I’d like to make the following observations, if I may:

1) Five Vikes and eighteen grams of pot are what I consider “the start of a good weekend”. I can also tell you through personal experience that the use of the two together has a bit of a synergistic effect, enhancing both. Pot and Vikes, I’d mix anytime. Pot and Soma, though…no, that’s an excuse to get you killed.

2) Rob Van Dam smokes pot. Oh, dear heavens, what a shock! I’m certain that none of us knew that Van Dam occasionally indulged in the smokable portions of cannabis sativa. Look, this would only be a surprise if Van Dam got caught with something OTHER than weed.

3) Eighteen grams…oh, that’s a sticking point. That might be enough for those inbred hicks in rural Ohio to try to charge him with Possession With Intent To Distribute. We wrestling fans, though, know that eighteen grams is definitely within Personal Use territory for Our Rob. Let’s hope it doesn’t come down to that.

4) Sabu was only caught with nine pills? That must have been what he pulled out for the drive. Sabu travels with a f*cking pharmacy. They obviously didn’t find the pill bag during the search. Sabu has to travel with that much pharmassistance. He’s abused his body so much that he can’t walk without the aid of pills. Makes me wonder exactly what those unidentified pills are. Has to be some kind of painkiller, but it wasn’t Vikes, otherwise they’d have mentioned that (as they did with Van Dam). I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Dilaudid or something similar.

5) Of course, this is the Acid Test for the Drug Policy. They can get away with the pills if they have scrips for it. However, the pot is a different kettle of fish, so to speak. The Policy is clear on this point: they can test for pot on “suspicion” (and this goes beyond that). A positive test can mean termination. Rob Van Dam is, at this moment, the most necessary talent on WWE’s roster. He’s needed to carry ECW with Angle going out. He’s needed for SNME and the main event at SummerSlam. If he’s cut loose for violation of the Drug Policy, he shows up at Victory Road and gets the NWA title by Bound For Glory, because TNA would snap him up in an instant. They don’t give a shit about pot; half the TNA locker room is high at any given moment. If Van Dam is terminated, then we know they’re serious about the Drug Policy. If they extend the “investigation” that they’re supposedly doing until such time as this incident is forgotten, then we know the double standard’s in effect. The possibility of this is pretty high. Their public relations policy behind the Drug Policy is to concentrate on steroids. The rest is boilerplate.

Here’s what I think will happen: Sabu is toast. He’s going to be made the scapegoat for this and head back to TNA. With the wrestling gods satiated with blood, Van Dam will be retained. He’ll end up jobbing both titles, though (and that’s already half happened). Who does he job the ECW title to? Test.

Yes, ECW Champion Test. That’s a better argument against doing drugs than any Yah-Dah-Dah Is My Anti-Drug ever made.

And speaking of needing drugs…oh, yeah, you try to keep coming up with good segues into Raw week after week.

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Lita over the Ten-Buck Tramp (Pinfall, DDT): Oh, my God, Lita’s remembered that she’s a trained wrestler. Wilson, though, has forgotten that she isn’t, despite the fact that considering how many of them she’s f*cked over the years, she should have picked up something by osmosis by now. Other than various STDs, of course.

Johnny Jeter, Mike Mondo, Nick Mitchell, Nick Nemeth, and My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane over Jim Duggan, Val Venis, Viscera, Gene Snitsky, and the abominable retard (Pinfall, Doane pins Snitsky, flying leg drop along with accompanying senton by Mondo): It’s a very rare occasion when I Don’t Give A Shit reaches double digits. Such occasions must be honored by as much silence and bypassing of the issue as possible.

Rory and Robbie McMoron over Rob Conway and Matt Striker (Pinfall, Rory pins Conway, Scot Drop): Fuck the Highlanders. This match marks the beginning of the Matt Striker/Rob Conway feud that’s going to be dominating Heat for the next six months. Oh, Zarur, I’m so envious of the fact that you get to cover that show. It’s going to be such a thrilling time for you.

Carly Colon over Johnny Nitro, Intercontinental Title Match (DQ, Melina-ference): I hate it when title matches, even for a title as completely as inconsequential as the IC belt, get turned into Angle Advancement Matches. And, as I said last week, the interesting part of this angle is the women, so that devalues this match even more. Total waste of our time here, even more than Vince’s interminable, not-even-remotely-humorous promo. I have to wonder why I bother sometimes.

Jamalga over Scott Wright (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): The DX T-shirt pimp was longer than the match. So were the overdubbed burps afterward.

Edge over Rob Van Dam and John Cena, WWE Title Match (Pinfall, Edge pins Van Dam, Cena F-U, New WWE Champion): We all know why this happened, so I don’t think there’s any need to go into it. However, I think that it could have waited until SNME. Doing it in Philly is a bit of an insult. But the press got a hold of it, and God knows that a respectable, publicly-traded company can’t have an arrested pothead as one of its primary public figures. So, instead, let’s give the strap to Edge, a guy who shattered both of his marriages by being a man-whore, then ruined a six-year relationship by sleeping with the girlfriend of one of his best friends, then convinced “creative” to turn this situation into an angle where he got the better of the situation. Yeah, he’s a much better representative of Corporate WWE than Van Dam.

Angle Developments:

Indicators: That opening promo was a complete and total snooze. This is definitely a sign of something. From Van Dam and Cena, we expect somnolence. Edge, though, is a different story. You can tell that he was trying to get some interest going in himself, but he failed miserably. It was Cookie-Cutter Promo 101 from everyone involved, and that’s something that Edge hasn’t descended to for a long time. Have they made a decision yet on which way the title’s going (obviously based on yesterday’s incident, the obvious reason the main was changed)? And that direction does not lead to Edge? And he’s a little upset at this? Hell, I’d be too if I were him.

Hot Off The Grill: A beer-soaked bacchanal courtesy of DX, with girls showing their tits and everything. And all I could think about? How well the hot dogs and burgers were cooked. Hey, there’s going to be a lot of people who are going to be sick to their stomach on Wednesday morning due to improperly cooked July 4th feasts. Be sure to broil your meat properly if you’re cooking out. We don’t want you worshipping the porcelain god tomorrow morning.

If Cornette’s Back Somewhere, His Rules Must Be Obeyed: I know it’s been more than seven years since the “NWO takes over the production truck” skit, but hasn’t someone done it since, like maybe Flex or Wife-Beater? And that’s probably been less than seven years. Therefore, Cornette’s Law as to the regurgitation of angles has been violated. Just another example of why they’re not even trying anymore. And I was nice enough to not even bring up the lavatory humor, the last refuge of the incompetent and British. Please, please, please, hire me, Scooter, and Hevia, damn quick.

Time Flies…: Has it really been ten years since Hogan’s turn and the beginning of the NWO? Wow. That’s all I can say, wow. Ten years. And now all that moment is good for is to be used to advance the “Randy Orton Is Leching Over Hogan’s Daughter” demi-angle.

And I’ll close this off. If you’re in the US, enjoy your holiday. If you’re not, join an anti-American protest near you.

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