– Well, Independence Day 2006 under our belts, I guess it would only be necessary to share my experiences, which are nothing exciting. Cooked out and had a nice little back-deck family get together, ate some good old Americana, or as Lucard would put it, “Pork lips and assholes into an oft-kilter cylindrical type shape.” And although the garlic butter grilled chicken in adobo was very tempting, I can’t cook outside of the grill so that recipe went untouched. Maybe I’ll get to it sometime. Had the annual backyard firework display, in which me and a buddy of mine let off a buck fifty worth, which indeed translates to $150. I myself would never fork that kind of cash out on the gun powder bamboo, but he does, every year in fact, and even claims the display is like a second Christmas to him, so whatever. And that about sums up my Fourth. To be honest, I’m glad the festives are over, so we can all enjoy a little bit more sleep without hearing the booming blasts coming from the windows behind our bedboards.
– Oh yeah, and before I forget, I have purchased that Nintendo DS Lite in which I asked for comments on a few columns ago. I have actually had it for a couple of weeks, I guess I just got too lazy to say it. Came with the bundled Brain Age, and I bought New Super Mario Bros. (which I have already beat, in more or less one sitting, as well as unlocked all of the unlockable worlds, so for lack of a better term, yes, the game was a bit of a letdown, and the new features were nothing special) and Metroid. I now need recommendations for new DS games, so keep the e-mails flowing. Seriously, I am really depending on you guys for advice here.
The NeelDown iMPACT Zone
– From Orlando, Florida
– Hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West
Sonjay Dutt v. Homicide
Dutt gains the advantage early and gets a senton to take out LAX. LAX capitalizes however and Homicide gets a dropkick for two. Powerbomb after more Konan-ference gets two. He goes for a splash but Dutt evades it and springs in with a dropkick. Spinebuster, random yes, and a moonsault get two for Dutt. Homicide comes back with a Diamond Cutter, which Don West notes hasn’t been seen for a while, despite Bobby Roode using it randomly not long ago. Oh well, I guess he’s getting more specific into the days of those glorious Jarrett-DDP matches. He tries the Cop Killa, but Dutt gets out of it and counters to a neckbreaker. However, Konan holds the ref back from counting the pin, and even despite TNA’s wacky magic rulebook, that will draw the DQ. ** Match was fine but cut Impact short, so they couldn’t really do much. Afterwards LAX attack until Ron Killings makes the save.
Winner: Sonjay Dutt
– A Team Canada match is announced where if they win, they don’t have to disband, and the person who makes the pinfall gets a title shot of his choice. Well, they might have well as just announced that during Cornette’s meeting speech last week instead of just saying they are split up. Although, if TC does go over, it will most likely just be either A. Petey Williams goes over and uses another X division title shot or B. Some fluke win for Eric Young. Speaking of which, Young comes out whining to the announcers saying he’s going to get fired, despite that whole storyline being over. So Slick Johnson has him pass out photos of bald Larry Zybysko to the crowd. Remember, all about the wrestling = TNA, and yes, it has been a while since I’ve pulled out that running gag.
– Footage of Rhino from the Philadelphia show saying his heart is with TNA, and Heyman can f*ck him because he’s not in it for the money, blah blah.
Monty Brown v. Kenny King
Okay, the Brown squashes are becoming to be a tad bit much. I mean, you’d think after some title shots and so on that he would be past this stage EVERY week. Sure, Joe had to pull the duty even as he was X champ, but this is overkill. And I’m not pulling the race card here or anything, but poor Norman Smiley last week, and now King? Shame on you, Monty. Quick squash, Pounce, you know the drill. DUD
Winner: Monty Brown
– Time for the annual Jarrett/Steiner pep-talk, for their match, hyped and billed as the “biggest Impact main event ever.” Well, you would have figured that a NWA title match, i.e., Jarrett v. Rhino for the said title at the first ever Thursday prime-time special might be “bigger,” but I guess all the stars combined in one is just too much.
– Shelley Cam Productions presents us with footage of Kevin Nash talking about humiliation and the “ole BB’s”, body bags. Johnny Devine joining the Eye Spy crew is pretty funny, though.
– Anyway, out come Nash, Shelley and Devine, with a body bag in a shopping cart, as Nash makes unfunny jokes about Osama Bin Laden being in the bag. Oh, whose writing this script for you, Kev? Anyway, the zipper reveals that it is “Osama Bin Sabin” in the bag. Jay Lethal makes the save. This is not only stupid, but overdone.
Jeff Jarrett & Scott Steiner v. Sting & Christian Cage
BIGGEST MAIN EVENT EVER! Smell the ratings, I dare ya! They brawl on the floor to start due to Sting impolitely throwing his jacket at the heels. Sting puts on Steiner’s headgear while he pounds on him. Inside Sting gives Steiner THREE big boots and a dropkick. Christian comes in but Steiner pokes the eyes and tags in Jarrett, who Christian sunset flips for two. Jarrett tries a rana, but gets slammed down for two. Not a good idea to attempt that, Jeff, just not a good idea at all. Have to commend the guy for trying to keep the moveset fresh though, even if it is just a set up to be countered. After the main event advertisements, which I haven’t bothered to put in caps anytime in a while, Jarrett jabs Christian with a chair and tags in Steiner who DOES PUSHUPS. He then proceeds to deliver to Christian an OVERHEAD SUPLEX. Jarrett comes in and tries the sleeper but Christian reverses it and they both go down. The heels try a double suplex but Christian turns it into an inverted DDT to get the hot tag to Sting who cleans house and sandwiches the heels for a nice big juicy Stinger Splash. He locks in the Deathlock on Jarrett, but Steiner interrupts. Sting fights him off, only to turn around to a low blow and a Stroke, but Christian pulls out the ref. Sting gets the Death Drop on Jarrett and Christian follows with the overused frog splash for the pin. Okay-ish match, although the domination by the heels didn’t do much but drown it out. **3/4
Winners: Sting & Christian Cage
– Post-match Joe makes the Steiner-beatdown save, and they brawl to the back as Jarrett and Sting battle in the crowd leaving Christian in the ring with the belt.
End of show.